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Old 01-09-2019, 03:46 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,580,121 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
Typically the bartender is the go between and will come over and tell you that the person bought you a drink. So in that case should you just say no to the bartender? Or do you need to talk to the drink buyer too?
Just say No. If this happens a lot, (obviously it does since you started a thread about it)....you may want to rethink where you hang out when traveling. That isn't sexist.....just common sense.

Last edited by JanND; 01-09-2019 at 03:58 AM.. Reason: edit text
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Old 01-09-2019, 04:09 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,580,121 times
Reputation: 26195
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
You are in a bar or restaurant and someone sends you a drink to express interest or get a path in to speak with you. But you are not available or interested in talking. And further, you don't want the drink at all. What is the best way to refuse this politely?

Not only is a drink from a stranger a safety concern, I just always feel very uncomfortable when this happens. I travel a lot and am often going through work notes when I'm sitting at a bar. I'm happily coupled and not entertaining new relationship options. But I don't want to be rude.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It doesn't.

That is the cliche that should be challenged .... the idea that merely saying no is rude.
I agree with BirdieBelle....After all, in the OP's own words......she isn't trying to figure out why this drink offer continues to happen.....just how to turn a random strangers offer of an unsolicited drink down politely.

So many reactions seem to focus on those of us offering the advice to go sit in an alternative area if this type thing continues to the point that the OP started a thread. It is not a sexist suggestion....I'd honestly say the same thing to either male's or females. Common sense.....not sexism. Just my opinion.
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Old 01-09-2019, 04:52 AM
 
2,333 posts, read 1,180,896 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post



I agree with BirdieBelle....After all, in the OP's own words......she isn't trying to figure out why this drink offer continues to happen.....just how to turn a random strangers offer of an unsolicited drink down politely.

So many reactions seem to focus on those of us offering the advice to go sit in an alternative area if this type thing continues to the point that the OP started a thread. It is not a sexist suggestion....I'd honestly say the same thing to either male's or females. Common sense.....not sexism. Just my opinion.
So the answer is that I have to take up a restaurant table and order a meal, because if I don't I should just expect to be hit on? I have to pay for a more expensive item (meal, tip) because if I am in a bar, I should expect that I am luring people to me and will have unwanted invitations? This seems absurd.

As I said in another post, I have been doing just this, at a table alone, when a man has asked to join me as he was dining alone. That presents an equally awkward situation. Traveling means you stay in a lot of hotels, and often you encounter other lone travelers. Some may just want company but others are looking for some kind of short term physical encounter. Perhaps I should know this, and as a woman, not travel for my business?

See the slippery slope logic here?
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Old 01-09-2019, 06:14 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,713 posts, read 41,426,610 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
So the answer is that I have to take up a restaurant table and order a meal, because if I don't I should just expect to be hit on? I have to pay for a more expensive item (meal, tip) because if I am in a bar, I should expect that I am luring people to me and will have unwanted invitations? This seems absurd.

As I said in another post, I have been doing just this, at a table alone, when a man has asked to join me as he was dining alone. That presents an equally awkward situation. Traveling means you stay in a lot of hotels, and often you encounter other lone travelers. Some may just want company but others are looking for some kind of short term physical encounter. Perhaps I should know this, and as a woman, not travel for my business?

See the slippery slope logic here?
It's not a slippery slope. The answer is NOT "move."

The answer to your question is to hold your ground and not fear any repercussions for stating your choice.

The biggest concern you seemed to have in your OP was how not to appear rude when rejecting an offer. But that is the faulty logic, that simply not wanting company is rude. Accept that it is not, word your rebuff in polite language, and continue to work in peace.
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Old 01-09-2019, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Pikeville, Ky.
13,565 posts, read 21,673,224 times
Reputation: 18091
Moderator cut: refresher A quick reminder that THIS...bolded blue... is what this thread is about. Please stop with the side bar bickering about stereotypes,etc.

Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
You are in a bar or restaurant and someone sends you a drink to express interest or get a path in to speak with you. But you are not available or interested in talking. And further, you don't want the drink at all. What is the best way to refuse this politely?

Not only is a drink from a stranger a safety concern, I just always feel very uncomfortable when this happens. I travel a lot and am often going through work notes when I'm sitting at a bar. I'm happily coupled and not entertaining new relationship options. But I don't want to be rude.
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:15 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,032 posts, read 69,950,573 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
You can refuse a drink and don't have to be nice about it, either. Someone I know was drugged and raped because of a man she met at a coffee shop, who put a drug in her coffee.

If their feelings are hurt, tough. Tell them you only drink with people you know really well.
Oh, great. Now we have to worry about coffee!
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:19 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,032 posts, read 69,950,573 times
Reputation: 75802
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It's not a slippery slope. The answer is NOT "move."

The answer to your question is to hold your ground and not fear any repercussions for stating your choice.

The biggest concern you seemed to have in your OP was how not to appear rude when rejecting an offer. But that is the faulty logic, that simply not wanting company is rude. Accept that it is not, word your rebuff in polite language, and continue to work in peace.
This. OP, you're not responsible for some stranger's wish to engage with you. You don't need to take it upon yourself to manage his feelings. All you need to do is say, "No, thank you" or "No, thank you. I'm working" to the server.
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Old 01-09-2019, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles
12,119 posts, read 10,254,685 times
Reputation: 32975
I'll say it again. All your worries and scenarios can be politely handled by looking the person in the eye and saying no thank you as you have a slight smile.
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Old 01-09-2019, 08:01 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,652 posts, read 4,762,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite View Post
Okay ladies. Well this here ridiculous woman knows that if I go into a bar alone for a drink that it IS an open invitation asking to be approached and that I'm guaranteed, without fail, to be offered drinks and company from strangers and those strangers could be men or other women or both.

I know they're going to offer because THEY believe that I'm there for two things, either looking for company or looking to get drunk, or both. It doesn't matter that I know I'm not looking for company or drunkeness because those strangers can't read my mind, all they can read is what they see with their eyes ...... Pretty Lady. Drinking Booze. All Alone. In a Bar. Just like me.

Stranger's eyes --> to --> brain translation = Pretty lady is lonely and came here looking for company and booze and I'll offer mine with a free drink.


It's inevitable. It's an invitation.

If you insist that your presence is not going to be interpreted by others as an invitation you are just making lame excuses for your own naÔvety and your poor judgement about human nature and human loneliness.

If you don't want offers of drinks from strangers and you don't want their company then you have the option of not going in there in the first place or at the very least you can make it absolutely obvious from the get go the moment you walk in the door that you want to be left alone. There's lots of ways to do that and there are no excuses for not being able to make it obvious that you want to be left alone. And don't worry about if you're being rude for saying "No thanks, I'm not interested" to utter STRANGERS that you're never going to see again. They don't care. They're just lonely and getting drunk and looking for an easy hook up to crawl into the sack with for the night.

.
No, a single woman going to have a drink alone in a bar is not an open invitation to anything. It's a thirsty, or tired, or just bored person going into a bar to have a drink. That's it. Regardless of what ANYONE in the bar thinks, it is NOT an invitation. It's just a person sitting and having a drink. Regardless of whether you are pretty or not, you are allowed to sit anywhere in peace and not expect to be bothered. (You must be exceptionally pretty if you are GUARANTEED to be offered free alcohol everywhere you go, even from women!) If you don't want a drink, just say no thanks and move on, but it's just crazy to say that every woman in a bar is looking for company or to get drunk. It is not an invitation.
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Old 01-09-2019, 08:07 AM
 
2,360 posts, read 1,185,087 times
Reputation: 2360
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
No, a single woman going to have a drink alone in a bar is not an open invitation to anything. It's a thirsty, or tired, or just bored person going into a bar to have a drink. That's it. Regardless of what ANYONE in the bar thinks, it is NOT an invitation. It's just a person sitting and having a drink. Regardless of whether you are pretty or ont, you are allowed to sit anywhere in peace and not expect to be bothered. If you don't want a drink, just say no thanks and move on, but it's just crazy to say that every woman in a bar is looking for company or to get drunk. It is not an invitation.
Maybe in your country it's not an invitation, but in USA and other western countries it is.
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