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My mother and I are estranged. She thinks if she waits long enough I will forget about why and pick up where we left off. That's not going to happen. She texted to wish me happy new year. I responded in kind and wished her a good time on her upcoming trip and then told her I had to go to bed, ending the conversation. I kept it polite, but shut it down. My desire is for us to be able to be civil on occasions we encounter each other, but that is more and more unlikely. I moved to Colorado and she is leaving my home state to move to Florida soon (YAY!). We will have no reason to enounter each other again.
But it seems like she HAD to push a boundary. She recently asked me in a text to send my grandfather's binoculars to her for her upcoming vacation. We have not had a conversation in two years. My grandfather has been dead for 30 years. She has made no mention of the binnoculars in that time. I know exactly where they are but I don't want to send them to her because I don't want them damaged or lost, and I have no faith that she will send them back when she's done. I'm not a sentimental person, but I like knowing I have a good set of old school binoculars and I like that they were my grandfather's (her father's) - I didn't get any keepsakes or pictures when he died.
So I'm thinking I'm just going to ignore her text and if she pesters just tell her I don't know where they are. I really just want her to leave me alone, but I respond to texts in a civil but perfunctory manner in order to set the tone if we do run into each other in the future.
You could respond simply by saying that these binoculars hold special, sentimental value to you and you're afraid they would become lost or damaged during shipping.
If you're so inclined, you could purchase a small pair, suitable for traveling, from Amazon and have them shipped directly to her. Then add in your response "Since you need binoculars and I don't want to risk losing grandpa's, I ordered a pair from Amazon and these will fit more easily in your suitcase. They're scheduled to be delivered tomorrow and there's no need to return them." Then she could have her own pair and there's no need to send them back. (and effectively ending the conversation about binoculars)
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 5 days ago)
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I'm always in the camp of wondering what the estrangement is over.
You seem like a reasonable person, so it seems it must have been a really significant issue.
In which case, I think I'd just end contact, and not have this very fuzzy/ill defined limbo you're in.
As it is, she can contact you occasionally, and you'll respond back kind of coldly and rudely. And that apparently is an ok relationship from your perspective. She contacts you, which is fine, and your behavior reminds her she's not forgiven.
Those who haven’t had a difficult relationship with a parent don’t understand the dynamics at work here. You’re trying to apply normal logic to a dysfunctional relationship.
Jrzdefector, there’s a way to do this that doesn’t involve lying, maintains your boundaries and minimizes drama. Tell her the binoculars are the only keepsake you have of him and you don’t want to part with them. Don’t say anything about her potentially losing them or anything that could be considered inflammatory or an insult. Just keep it calm and neutral. They’re your binoculars and you’re not required to loan them out if you don’t want to, not even to your mother. There’s a good chance you’ll never get them back. If she tries to coerce you or gets angry, just say “I’m sorry, but my answer is no. I hope you can understand.” Then don’t respond anymore to further texts or messages about it. She can get upset all she wants, but if you stay neutral and don’t react, the drama will end with her.
I second this.
I DO think a lot of people don't understand the severity of manipulative, narcissistic parents, because MOST of us didn't have parents like that. I know I didn't.
But my best friend's mother is a narcissist. Whether she can help it or not, she has cruelly manipulated my friend's feelings in the past, and my friend finally had to put up some emotional walls in regards to her mother.
I used to be sad for my friend that her and her mother's relationship was so rocky. I always hoped that they'd find a path to a smooth relationship. And then one time, I saw for myself something her mom did...and I knew my friend was right to put up the boundaries, and I support her in the effort.
JZ...we don't know if you're being petty. I suspect that you are not. But time and distance has let you lower your guard, which brings up the old insecurities...and so you ask.
I think FairMinded gave an elegant and polite way to deal with the situation. It allows you to keep your barriers, not have to lie, and not get caught up in drama.
You're not being petty. You did not create this family dynamic. She did. Do not feel guilty about doing what you have to do.
I know your mother's type. There's no setting parameters with them, unfortunately. Give them an inch, they take a mile. Mail her the bins, you'll never see them again. Or she'll show up in your town and hold them hostage until you have lunch with her, which will turn into a demand to have lunch with you every week. I think you thought of the perfect solution. You don't know where they are. Especially if they're one of the very few things you have from granddad. They're yours, and you're under no obligation to share them.
Also: I would not count on this particular forum to be able to empathize with your particular family issue, with the exception of those of us who have some experience with this. (Case in point: it took all of 3 replies for someone to accuse you of stealing your mothers belongings, and for someone else to say you'll appreciate her when she's dead). I think there's a forum out there for children of narcissists. I would talk about these issues there. In the meantime, stay strong, don't doubt your instincts. Don't let her take up real estate in your head.
I wouldn't mail the binoculars, and I wouldn't purchase a pair for her. It's just as easy (probably easier in fact) for the mom to just go ahead and buy her own.
I'm thinking it's just a tactic the mom is using to try and create a link to the daughter that would create ongoing interactions.
Sounds like she's trying to find a way to try to stay in contact with you BUT is not addressing WHY you 2 became estranged.It sounds like she knows why but isn't willing to just own up to start the conversation to talk about it...
Some people feel that if you hurt someone years ago...and reach out years later...that the hurt party will have 'forgotten' the hurt.Just people who don't want to own up to being wrong and pretending that everything is ok. I wouldn't want to waste too much time with people like that. If they don't want to own up to what they've done, then forget them.
I agree with those saying she's using the binoculars as an excuse to try to break your boundary. And I get that you don't want to let her. It's not petty - it's taking care of you. You have your reasons for keeping her at bay, don't let anyone or anything guilt you into going against yourself. Especially if, like the poster above said, she is trying to ignore what the big issue is.
I love how everyone assumes there are perfectly acceptable reasons to cut off a mother who appears to be trying to have some contact with her child.
Sorry. I realize there are *some* really awful parents out there who deserve to be cut off... but I'm not going to assume that as a default. Rather, I'm going to assume that the mother may be a flawed imperfect person, with a flawed, imperfect offspring, and they both probably need to learn how to forgive and get along, not be encouraged to just cut ties over petty nonsense and perceived slights. We are ALL flawed, imperfect people. The benefit of family is that unlike the rest of the world, they have to try to forgive us. And we them... even when it's not perfect.
Or your can have binoculars and a life where there is no one who really cares to deal with you when it's inconvenient or difficult.
OP--you don't have a history of petty posts. I wouldn't send them to her and would do whatever you feel most comfortable doing: tell her you can't find them, tell her no and why, send her a new pair. You know her better than anyone here.
I love how everyone assumes there are perfectly acceptable reasons to cut off a mother who appears to be trying to have some contact with her child.
Sorry. I realize there are *some* really awful parents out there who deserve to be cut off... but I'm not going to assume that as a default. Rather, I'm going to assume that the mother may be a flawed imperfect person, with a flawed, imperfect offspring, and they both probably need to learn how to forgive and get along, not be encouraged to just cut ties over petty nonsense and perceived slights. We are ALL flawed, imperfect people. The benefit of family is that unlike the rest of the world, they have to try to forgive us. And we them... even when it's not perfect.
Or your can have binoculars and a life where there is no one who really cares to deal with you when it's inconvenient or difficult.
Well...since I don't know JZ, and I don't know her mother, I'm going to take her word for it that she's had to put her mom on ice, and distance herself from her.
I've seen what my friend's mother was capable of...and I won't doubt my friend again. In my friend's mother's case...I don't know if she can help it, per se...or if it's just her nature like it's a cat's nature to stalk its prey. But I completely understand the need for my friend to protect herself. And thus, I get JZ's need to protect herself.
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