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Old 01-20-2019, 07:27 AM
 
35,508 posts, read 17,736,752 times
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Do you still have your brother and mother, Mellyy?

Would it hurt either of them if you forgave your father for abandoning his family?
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Old 01-20-2019, 07:34 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mellyy View Post

My parents have never been together but i always had bi weekly visits with him growing up until he got married and changed his phone number, cutting off all communication because his new wife was jealous he had a life before her.

This happened 9 years ago and i came across his profile on Facebook and debated adding him. But I'm so scared he won't accept. And if he does then what? I'm worried one day I'll find out he passed away and wonder what could have been. I figure if I add him I made an attempt to reach out and if he rejects it that's on him. I don't know if I'll be able to take another rejection from him. What would you do?
Look at the bolded sentence. He already made his decision. He hasn't reversed his decision.

Why would you worry about the passing of someone who took great pains to cut ties with you?

You say you don't think you can take another rejection, so why do this to yourself?

EDIT: I see you have decided against it. GOOD DECISION!
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Old 01-20-2019, 08:29 AM
 
2,163 posts, read 1,539,917 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jilly9244 View Post
I didn't meet my dad until I was 18. I had to find him. My mom wouldn't speak about him. It turned out he lived 5 miles down the road from me my whole life. I made several attempts to form a relationship with him and my effort wasn't matched. He never formally met his grandson. We were in Subway one day and he walked in and he stopped to speak to me. My 6 year old son at the time said, "Mom you know you shouldn't talk to strangers". It was a very sad moment. He was a stranger. The last time I spoke I to him was after Hurricane Matthew. We had several trees down in our yard and didn't have a chainsaw. I asked to borrow his and he was more worried about his equipment being damaged even though my husband knows how to operate it perfectly fine. More now than ever, I am realizing that I have given people way too many chances and I have chose to see the glimmer of good in people, instead of seeing them for who they really are.

My point is...sometimes people are just sorry. Don't let him break your heart. I wouldn't reach out of Facebook. I would call or see him face to face. It's a better gauge. If their is no reciprocity then let him go.
If you take anything at all from this post let it be NOT to reach out. Don't 'choose to see the good' in an obvious loser. This is what I meant by 'Disney' way of thinking.
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Old 01-20-2019, 08:31 AM
 
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Yes, add him. It could be a first step to reconciling your relationship with your Dad.
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Old 01-20-2019, 08:39 AM
 
Location: The Ozone Layer, apparently...
4,005 posts, read 2,062,620 times
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No. In my humble opinion, any reconciliation should not be played out on social media. It's like everyone laying out their soul for the court of public opinion, and the peanut gallery, to comment on.

If you want to feel him out, do it privately - a PM or whatever.
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Old 01-20-2019, 10:09 AM
 
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Agree. Utilize phone or a public venue to meet .
I'm sorry to read of your past relation.

My bio Dad was given many chances...the reality was...the opportunities were there.
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Old 01-20-2019, 11:58 AM
 
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Sometimes people make mistakes by desperately trying to please others. Sounds like that's what he did. He probably believes he's burned his bridges.
First, you don't know how he'll respond.
Second, you would be showing grace by giving him an opportunity to apologize.
Third, if he hasn't grown a set, he can always block you.
But this is fb, for heaven sake. Why not send him a msg just to break the ice? He may end up sending YOU a friend request!
Just be the bigger person. Be an adult. See him for theperson he is. And don't let him steel your joy. Learn to shrug. Try it now! Both shoulders! See? Doesn't that feel good?
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Old 01-20-2019, 12:01 PM
 
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-In my opinion, I'll not say you should, I'd rather say you can add him. I don't think and I don't find it make a sense to reject it but although, every thing is possible; so you need to be prepared/accepted whatever response you might get.
At least, as you said :

Quote:
:" . I figure if i add him i made an attempt to reach out and if he rejects it that's on him.
-you do what you can do, nothing to feel sorry about it later.

-His new wife had children from a previous marriage, and he had to accept her children, nevertheless she required him to cut off his relationship with his own children; it's really unfair!
But I don't blame her, I don't want to judge your dad at the same time, but I do know that there are people (males and females) who are very weak character.

-On the other hand, from reality stories:
I know that sometimes, the second wife think that her husband's children (from previous marriage) are sent/ used by the first wife to ruin her life and this may/may not be true/real. You stated that when you were children, you mentioned your mom in front of her which I guess was increasing her jealousy and insecurity. She might not consider this as just children innocence.

-like the others mentioned, don't communicate with him on public.
Because if his wife still in the same method, she may put her husband with all his accounts under microscope. You don't want to cause conflicts/problems to them in this phase of their life.

- Meanwhile, she doesn't have any right to avoid her husband of communicating with his own children, just because they were from previous marriage and her insecurity, this is her problem; that's why you can communicate with your dad behind her back.


Good luck



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Old 01-20-2019, 12:24 PM
 
7,289 posts, read 4,061,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mellyy View Post
My parents have never been together but i always had bi weekly visits with him growing up until he got married and changed his phone number, cutting off all communication because his new wife was jealous he had a life before her. This happened 9 years ago and i came across his profile on facebook and debated adding him. But I'm so scared he won't accept. And if he does then what? I'm worried one day I'll find out he passed away and wonder what could have been. I figure if i add him i made an attempt to reach out and if he rejects it that's on him. I don't know if I'll be able to take another rejection from him. What would you do?
I've been through something like this. I strongly advise against it. He is a bad person.

So sorry for your pain.
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Old 01-20-2019, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Forest bathing
3,191 posts, read 2,452,499 times
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My dad abandoned me at age 4 or 5. We lived on opposite coasts after he moved back home to New York. I contacted him at 19 and met half my family who are basically good people: 4 aunts and uncles and 9 cousins plus grandparents. We didn’t really connect and over th3 years I saw him occasionally. He never paid child support so promised me a life insurance policy. This he ultimately gave to some woman with 9 kids. He also inherited over $100k from a lady friend and promptly spent it on his drinking buddies. Yes, he was a miserable man who drank, gambled and picked up women in bars. He died almost two years ago and I rarely think about him.

I am telling you this because maybe you have grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins who might want to know you? His family was the best part and a wonderful bonus. Can you reach out to them? I asked my aunts why nobody wrote or called me. They thought I was okay.
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