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Old 02-06-2019, 11:54 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
9,007 posts, read 2,939,193 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FamilyIssues View Post

Yes, my brother has had a tough life. He got whatever he wanted, free ride to college abroad, lodging, free BMW car for graduating, free insurance, free food, and free masters degree. Horrible life. I did suggest to get a STEM degree at first, but he said it was too hard, so he has a BA in social work. Three years ago he work up and finally got a masters degree in computer science; yet, there's no work apparently for him. So he wants me to call a few IT businesses where I know the CEO's, but I am weary to do so. To be honest, he doesn't talk much about his degree or what he wants to do in life but make $$$.
Figure out who your biggest rival is in your line of business and set your brother up to go to work for them. If you gave him a job in your company, you'd get to deal with him all day, every day.
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Old 02-07-2019, 09:27 AM
 
1,389 posts, read 538,813 times
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Cut them out of your life.They will never change.If you want to stay miserable for the rest of your life...keep associating with them.Yes I know they're your family BUT you have to stand up for yourself and you're not.You're letting them run over you.
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Old 02-07-2019, 10:43 AM
 
17 posts, read 4,653 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve McDonald View Post
Figure out who your biggest rival is in your line of business and set your brother up to go to work for them. If you gave him a job in your company, you'd get to deal with him all day, every day.
That would be an interesting idea. lol.
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Old 02-07-2019, 10:46 AM
 
17 posts, read 4,653 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl View Post
Cut them out of your life.They will never change.If you want to stay miserable for the rest of your life...keep associating with them.Yes I know they're your family BUT you have to stand up for yourself and you're not.You're letting them run over you.
No one is running all over me, as myself (not by choice) and the CPA control the funds. They're just annoying and miserable. I know the old saying, misery loves company, and that is why I am distancing myself. I come from a religious upbringing, so it's hard for me to turn my back on friends and family. But, no one is running over on me; I just don't enjoy being around them. I feel guilty about that.
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Old 02-07-2019, 11:17 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
77,945 posts, read 69,884,727 times
Reputation: 75730
Quote:
Originally Posted by FamilyIssues View Post

I sometimes wished I became a therapist. I can compartmentalize my feelings, my brother and mother, not so much. They are very much similar in that respect; but my brother gets angry, yells and such. You have no idea how he tells mom to shut up, idiot, etc. I say that's inappropriate and wrong, but she takes it and doesn't stand up to him. I said if dad was here, he'd throw him across the room and then kick him out. She puts up with it because she doesn't want to live alone I believe.

He's entitled as he's the baby in terms of the children. My mom even says and agrees that she coddles him too much. The funny part is they, my parents, thought I was the one who would be lost in life because I temporarily dropped out of college to start a business. I took the six year plan instead of the four year plan. Partly because I was working during the day, so I'd take night classes. It was just easier to pay for since I my parents didn't have the money to help pay for my college. They were apparently spending it on trips, vacations to impress who knows...
How did your brother behave, when your dad was around? His behavior sounds almost like some kind of mental illness, but did he control it, when your dad was alive?

Did you pay for your college education, or for the majority of the costs? IOW, there was no college fund set up for the kids, but when it was your brother's turn, suddenly the money was available? I can see where your mom got her spendthrift, luxury-loving ways. Unfortunately, your dad programmed her to expect that.

Thank you for posting this additional information, to fill out the picture.


Oh, and I'd like to comment on one more thing. Notice the Catch-22 involved, in berating you for taking too long to complete college, while at the same time, not providing the support they could well afford to give you, thus forcing you to work your way all the way through. I've seen this setting-kids-up-for failure, -then-holding- them-responsible syndrome before. Would you say there's narcissism involved? That could explain why you were scapegoated to a degree, while your brother was the "golden child". That's a pattern with narcissistic parents.

Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 02-07-2019 at 12:38 PM..
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Old 02-07-2019, 11:31 AM
 
17 posts, read 4,653 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
How did your brother behave, when your dad was around? His behavior sounds almost like some kind of mental illness, but did he control it, when your dad was alive?

Did you pay for your college education, or for the majority of the costs? IOW, there was no college fund set up for the kids, but when it was your brother's turn, suddenly the money was available? I can see where your mom got her spendthrift, luxury-loving ways. Unfortunately, your dad programmed her to expect that.

Thank you for posting this additional information, to fill out the picture.


Oh, and I'd like to comment on one more thing. Notice the Catch-22 involved, in berating you for taking too long to complete college, while at the same time, not providing the support they could well afford to give you, thus forcing you to work your way all the way through. I've seen this setting-kids-up=fo- failure, -then-holding- them-responsible syndrome before. Would you say there's narcissism involved? That could explain why you were scapegoated to a degree, while your brother was the "golden child". That's a pattern with narcissistic parents.
He's not mental, just spoiled and never had to work for anything in his life. Since he's the baby per se, my mom always coddled him, whereas my dad would want to him to do something with his life. When he came back from college, he would just it around playing video games. We have an older sibling, but she's in Texas with a family. She flew the house at the similar age as I did, in our teens. I recall going to the home and my dad and him would fight consistently about him not doing anything. You could hear the video games or movies playing from his room. If it was me, and he wasn't going to school or working, I'd throw him out.

Yes, I paid for my college 100%. I took out loans to start my business and paid them back too. Never asked my family for help. Correction, I did ask for some help with college, but they didn't have the funds to do so. They also helped my older sister with her down payment of her house and college. So, I guess, as the middle child, I was left to fend for myself. It is what it is.

I think my dad did try his best, however, he had medical issues and his finances were deteriorating. He was trying to keep a lifestyle alive that was no longer able to be kept. He and my mom were not able to adjust to the the drop in lifestyle. I do not travel, so I didn't have that lifestyle. I only spend what I need. I bought a house a few towns away from my parents, not to be close to them, but it was a really good buy. Prior to that, I lived in the city, and I got hell for not coming up to see them. It's expensive and a 45 minute drive. When I move back to NJ, I will start bring the visits down. I also have to call, as my mom never calls, which I feel is wrong too. Her idea is your her son, she created you, you should call and want to be around. It doesn't really work like that when you're an adult; imo.
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Old 02-07-2019, 01:22 PM
 
930 posts, read 277,403 times
Reputation: 2019
Quote:
Originally Posted by FamilyIssues View Post
I also have to call, as my mom never calls, which I feel is wrong too. Her idea is your her son, she created you, you should call and want to be around. It doesn't really work like that when you're an adult; imo.
My husband's mother never picks up the phone either. I don't know if this is an Italian family honor your parents thing or a habit. I don't get it.
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Old 02-07-2019, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,882 posts, read 17,190,006 times
Reputation: 40776
Quote:
Originally Posted by funisart View Post
Please go ahead move to your condo, get a social life, sell your house and save for retirement. Your mother seems to have enough funds support herself and your brother. She is enabling him, as are you a bit, to be a failure to launch.

If you don’t cut ties with him you will have him as a ball and chain around your neck for the rest of your life. He is a grown man with an education. He can get a job.

There is no law in life that says you should see your family every week or replace your dad in social situations. Calling or scyping should be fine to fill in gaps of time. That is what my 35yr old son does. You should be able to go months without being there physically.

Your job now is to live your life and secure your future, have a family if you desire. Your mother is not elderly (I’m almost her age), so unless she is in bad health, she should be out making more friends and doing activities with them, not waiting around for you to take her out. What is going on now is dysfunctional.

The is no way in heaven a 39 year old man should be expected to see his mother and his brother once a week. Heck, I know adult men who love and respect their mother and live close to her an still see her only once every month or two or even less often.

Imagine if your situation changes, you get married and have a few children. Do you really think that you will have the time to travel to see Mom and brother that often? I am almost the same age as your mother and also a widow, I am delighted that my son (who lives 2,000 miles away) is able to visit once or twice a year. My daughter recently moved back from 6,500 miles away and I saw her only saw her once in the last 2 1/2 (after the death of my husband/her father). Even if my son and daughter lived in the same city as me I know that I would not been demanding that they visit weekly. Sheesh! They are adults with their own lives to live.

Unless I have major health issues, I see other widows or friends once, twice or three times a week and volunteer on a regular basis. And, I periodically travel out of town to visit extended relatives (cousins, nieces & nephews, etc.) Now I admit that I do see my 73 year old brother once or twice or three times a month for a meal but we live only a few minutes away from each other and we are both retired. He LOVES to cook and I LOVE to eat, nd we enjoy each others company so Win-Win-Win! I have also taken a few trips with my 75 year old widowed sister.

What type of social life does your mother have? As you can see I am quite busy. I have been wanting to stop in at the senior center for the last year and still have not found the time to do that.
Most of my friends (in their late 60s) are still working part-time or are very active in hobbies. Heck, I have had several relatives who worked full time or half time until they turned 80. It was mostly for the socialization and not for the money.
What type of hobbies does your mother do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan123 View Post
Excellent advice. I've seen this sort of thing happen before.
You need to make it clear to your Mom and brother that you will not be giving your brother any money or going into business with him. Stop trying to help him. He doesn't want help, he want someone to give him money so he can continue to do nothing. I can tell you now that there is very little likelihood that your brother will ever change and your Mother will stop enabling him him. If you give him money, I doubt very much that you will ever see a penny of it again. I would start telling him now that when your mother passes he will be on his own so he needs to figure out how to support himself.

You need to set boundaries with both of them. If your Mother mentions love again, tell you it's because you love your brother that you want him to be independent and you worry about him not ever being able to stand on his own two feet. I'd continue to try and check in with your Mom every couple of weeks but that could be a call and an occasional visit. You are not responsible for their social lives.

I'd also try to have one frank talk with your Mother about her finances. Go over them with her and get her to try and understand how much she has and how long the money needs to last. Tell her that you won't be able to help her out if she mismanages what your Dad has left.

Explain she needs to be saving some for home repair, medical expenses, etc. I'm guessing she won't be receptive to this but I think you at least need to try once.

Live your life, save for retirement and sell the house if you like the condo. I also think you will be happier if you stop expecting them to be grateful or appreciative (even though they should be). Good luck OP. I think you will need it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
See, I don’t know what you want to change. If you want to see them less, that is something you can control. When they complain about not seeing you, just blow it off, or leave. If you visit you get complaints, if you don’t visit, you get complaints. I don’t see why you would EVER visit.

So cut back. You are going to get complaints whatever you do. If your mom asks why you aren’t coming round, tell her it’s “because you complain when I do.”

It sounds like you are communicating about finances. I am not sure why you need to visit so often.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FamilyIssues View Post
I will not be her caretaker. She claims to have LTC insurance, but who knows. She pays the 500 a month premium, which again, she states will pay for a home health aide or nursing home. I seriously doubt it. At worst case scenerio, if she needs money to pay for that, we'd have to either get a reverse mortgage or sell the family home. In theory, she should have enough cash to live on for 25 years w/o selling anything. However, that would only hold if we stick to the 7k a month she currently receives.



I would like to stop fighting. It seems that all I hear from them is $$$ and there's no real family vibe
. It was much different when wasn't forced into this mess. Truth be told, my dad knew that he and mom were bad with money. After the crash, he called me crying asking for help on his investments and a loan. I did both and was paid back and fixed his investments. However, after fixing, he didn't change his spending habits. I believe the stress from the money was a leading cause of his death. I forced the sale of the cars, he had 6. The money was supposed to go to mom, but she gave the 50k to my brother. It's unreal. He also asked me yesterday to help him invest it. Again, unreal.

I will read the thread, but I wish I was never in this family. I've thought more than a couple of times to move to Florida or California, but I hate the heat.
Wisconsin and other Midwest states have all four seasons where the summers are not too hot. Depending on your business you could move anywhere that you desire.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
Don't want to fight? Stop engaging, get up and walk away. And don't answer their calls, emails, texts for awhile.


Don't want to hear the complaints, $$$ issues... Change the subject. If they don't want to change the subject, stop engaging, get up and walk away. And don't answer their calls, emails, texts for awhile.


If you want to move to another state much farther away, go for it! There are other coastal states that doesn't get too hot. My home state, WA is very comfortable with the short summers. There's Maine as well. And there's the Great Lakes states as well. You can manage your mother's finances from afar. You'll probably feel better that way.


You don't have to wish you're not part of the family. You are part of the family, but it doesn't mean you have to take on the insurmountable, ceaseless problems. Let them lie in their bed
.
Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
Move to Oregon or Washington or Northern California. I don't know if your business makes it possible for you to move but I would put a lot of distance between myself and your brother and mother if I were you.

They aren't going to change, certainly not unless something forces them to - such as you dying unexpectedly. As you can't change their behavior, you can only change your own in how you respond to them.
You have received a lot of great advice.

Last edited by germaine2626; 02-07-2019 at 06:10 PM..
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Old 02-07-2019, 06:12 PM
 
17 posts, read 4,653 times
Reputation: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
My husband's mother never picks up the phone either. I don't know if this is an Italian family honor your parents thing or a habit. I don't get it.

Yep, it's an Italian thing I think. It's unreal.
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Old 02-07-2019, 06:21 PM
 
17 posts, read 4,653 times
Reputation: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
The is no way in heaven a 39 year old man should be expected to see his mother and his brother once a week. Heck, I know adult men who love and respect their mother and live close to her an still see her only once every month or two or even less often.

Imagine if your situation changes, you get married and have a few children. Do you really think that you will have the time to travel to see Mom and brother that often? I am almost the same age as your mother and also a widow, I am delighted that my son (who lives 2,000 miles away) is able to visit once or twice a year. My daughter recently moved back from 6,500 miles away and I saw her only saw her once in the last 2 1/2 (after the death of my husband/her father). Even if my son and daughter lived in the same city as me I know that I would not been demanding that they visit weekly. Sheesh! They are adults with their own lives to live.

Unless I have major health issues, I see other widows or friends once, twice or three times a week and volunteer on a regular basis. And, I periodically travel out of town to visit extended relatives (cousins, nieces & nephews, etc.) Now I admit that I do see my 73 year old brother once or twice or three times a month for a meal but we live only a few minutes away from each other and we are both retired. He LOVES to cook and I LOVE to eat, nd we enjoy each others company so Win-Win-Win! I have also taken a few trips with my 75 year old widowed sister.

What type of social life does your mother have? As you can see I am quite busy. I have been wanting to stop in at the senior center for the last year and still have not found the time to do that.
Most of my friends (in their late 60s) are still working part-time or are very active in hobbies. Heck, I have had several relatives who worked full time or half time until they turned 80. It was mostly for the socialization and not for the money.
What type of hobbies does your mother do?







Wisconsin and other Midwest states have all four seasons where the summers are not too hot. Depending on your business you could move anywhere that you desire.





You have received a lot of great advice.



Yep, but they both try to make me feel guilty; such as you don't want to be around us if you do not see us more than once a week. Or, you just come here out of obligation. I was married, briefly, but it just didn't work. She rarely came with me. She did state, when we were still in good terms, these two will ruin your life. When I do visit, I can feel the tension between me and my brother. Then, because it's my mom's or my brother's birthday, the world has to stop. It's not enough that I take them out on the weekend, they both need to go out on their birthday's too. It's unreal. I do not celebrate my birthday, as I think it's a bit childish.



The other thing is that guess who has to pay for both mother's day and her birthday? Yep, you guessed it, me. I don't go or unavailable (I have some medical issues which flare up from time to time), I just feel the destain from them.



My mom really doesn't have any hobbies. One a year she goes away with a friend to Tennessee, and then I get berated by not taking out my 30 year old brother.. Aside from that, she stays home. They both, stay home. He supposedly goes out with his friends here and there. Then he complains they are either married, have relationships or have a job.. Kinda hard to do the 1st two when you're living with your mom at 30. Recently, I learned he installed a lock on his bedroom door. lol.



All I know, Saturday is going to suck.
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