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Generally positive. I drink, but am a social drinker without a drinking problem. It's not an easy lifestyle to be alcohol free. The people who have it most difficult as alcohol free people are single and unattached people, because a lot of early stage dating revolves around alcohol consumption.
He doesn't need to share his decision with the world. I think if he's out where people are drinking, he should just get a club soda with a lime in it and carry it around. If someone asks what he's drinking, he can say a club soda. If they ask why he's not drinking or if he wants a drink, he can just "I don't drink and drive," or "not today, thanks." And then just turn the conversation around quickly. People probably won't care anywhere near as much as he's worried about.
"No thanks, not today. So, how's the job going?"
If cornered and he feels like he needs to explain more, he can just say he's taking a medication he can't drink with, or he's having some stomach issues. He doesn't have to get into a conversation about having a drinking "problem."
But, odds are, most people won't notice or care. Or, they'll already be aware he had a problem and will be glad he stopped.
Why on earth should anyone make up excuses? Anyone should just accept "I don't drink, thanks". To me, trying to hide sobriety has connotations as if it's a shameful thing. I think shame has a lot to do with addictive behavior, there is a shame cycle that goes along with any addiction. To me lying about why you're not drinking only adds to that. He should be proud he has gotten sober.
More power to him. He decided to make changes. It's not up to others to belittle him for it. They can still drink if they like, no harm to them for him to stop.
I drank really hard in my youth and greatly tapered off in my 30's. I barely drink at all any more.
I have recently discovered it is now a fad for offices to install beer keg coolers, wine bars, etc. This is a huge mistake IMHO. Drinking at work should not be encouraged on a daily basis like this.
My late wife didn't drink because her mother was an alcoholic, and she was afraid they might share that weakness. She didn't mind being around others when they drank, didn't mind if I drank, etc., she was just afraid of it for herself.
For a decade or two I drank fairly heavily a couple times per month. Then I dropped one of my business/professional organizations that met weekly for dinner, and the drinking became mostly a thing of the past.
So when my late wife and I got together, I just quit drinking completely, not as a goal, but I just didn't have any reason to continue drinking. I had a 6-pack of beer in the refrigerator, just to have on hand should a guest want a beer. (I'd have drank one too.) Not long after my wife died, my son stopped by for something. He drinks quite a bit... actually, quite a bit more than he should. Anyway, I asked him if he wanted a beer. He asked how old it was. *LOL* It was 4 years old! All that time the beer was in the refrigerator waiting for me, and when the time came to enjoy one, it was too old!
Now I've got some 60-year-old whiskey on the self. That ought to be great, eh?
The people who have it most difficult as alcohol free people are single and unattached people, because a lot of early stage dating revolves around alcohol consumption.
Disagree. The people who MIGHT "have it most difficult as alcohol free people" are those who are overly worried about being accepted socially. They are more likely to cave and engage in something they don't really want to do just to be part of a group. They could be single, unattached, married, or anything in between. A confident person will make a choice that's right for them regardless of what others do.
Last edited by Parnassia; 02-09-2019 at 02:57 PM..
It's rough at first, but if you keep at it, life becomes fun.
As a drinking alcoholic (16 years), I didn't think I was sick. Now, after 44 years of sobriety, I still don't think I was sick. I was just a garden variety drunk. Why was I a drunk? Does it really matter? If I found out why I drank, I would probably think myself clever enough to try to drink differently. Drunks, like me, think that way.
My comments are based on my own experience. I began developing a drinking problem in h.s. (but then, so many guys in h.s. were lousy drinkers...), however, it escalated into a couple decades of lost jobs, bad social behavior when drunk in a bar, etc. And down to the blackouts, and panic attack hangovers.
I joined AA when about age forty, followed the program and stayed out of bars for a year.
My close friends, all of whom drank, knew what I was attempting and were supportive. The wider range of friends and acquaintances in the neighborhood I saw around, but not in bars. Thus, the subject never came up.
After a year I returned to socializing in my neighborhood bar. Guys would say, "Oh, you don't want a drink!?" And I would say that I had quit. No, problems...except for two people. Both - behind my back - ridiculed me, both were heavy drinkers. It was behind my back and I rarely saw them; therefore, of zero importance. One guy with whom I had a nasty relationship realized one night on his own when I was pleasantly chatty with him. He said, "Something's wrong!" (He was a very confrontational person.) "What are you drinking?" "Soda." That's it, that's it....you're not drinking!"
One person, not in my social group, knew I had quit. But he always asked me if I wanted a drink. However, he had a sister and a brother who were alcoholics but had quit, and his feelings about their recovery were close to malicious. So, his offers to me were part of his problem with his family.
The drinkers (almost all of the people) in my social crowd were pleased. My social conduct when drinking always went from okay to bad/lousy/or horrible. After I quit, I "magically" became Mr. Nice Guy, and as much of a PIA as I had been before I was now just as much easy-going and fun guy. Why wouldn't they have been pleased, it was such a relief!
My performance, attendance and attitude at work improved obviously. And when my boss asked me in a roundabout way, I was direct about joining the program, etc. I neither broadcast it, nor hid the fact at work. If anyone has ever regarded me as "broken" as a result of this experience, I am blithely unaware of it, with the exception of my mother who regarded my joining AA and not drinking as embarrassing. Every few years she would say to me, "I still don't believe you were an alcoholic. You just drank too much." And in a hissy whisper she would tell me not to tell people, "don't let people know." She was obsessed all her life with being socially acceptable and advancing above working class, so this was totally in character. Fortunately, I lived far from her.
I have no problem being around people who drink - other than if they act like obnoxious jerks like I used to, then like most people, I want to flee. But a party or bar does not bother me, though sometimes I am bored if too many people are beyond their capacity.
I have never had a drink since I joined AA. And I have no interest in drinking. I have not been to a meeting in more than thirty years. If people ask why I am not drinking, I may say that I do not drink, or I may say that I had a serious drinking problem and quit. I couldn't care less if people ask me why.
A friend of mine has recently made the decision to become sober (from alcohol) because he had a problem with it and is concerned about how he will be treated in days to come. While you would think most people would be pretty understanding, drinkers tend to challenge previous drinkers when they are not drinking almost as if they were offended. People also tend to give people who are in recovery a stigma that they are "broken" in some compacity and general take it as a red flag to avoid them if they've had prior substance abuse issues.
What I told him and what my personal thoughts are is that people will most likely with his respect and be impressed with his decision to change for the better as long as he stays on his intended path. Especially due to the fact that most people will not even change the simple things about themselves, let alone the difficult things. I generally tend to see people who become sober personalities overtime become richer. But that's just my opinion and I can understand both sides of the argument.
Generally I am a "live and let live" kinda guy in all aspects of my life
I guess my reason for posting is I figured it would be a good topic of discussion as everyone knows someone either in recovery or active addiction.
What are your opinions? Good or bad?
Sure, I have an opinion: I've been sober twenty five years, almost. Feb 27 or so, 1994. Hadn't realized it was 25 years coming up, that's funny.
I had a problem with it, as far as I'm concerned, in that I liked to drink too much and get hammered maybe four nights per week. Two is not so great, three a bit obnoxious, and four, well...do the math. I tired of it one day and hung up the spurs. No AA or any of that, though they do good work I'm sure for others. I just said: enough. I have sips of wine at Xmas, sometimes, to-present. That's that.
Alright: to your points, in my pretty substantial social experience dealing with permanent sobriety, if we want to call that "recovery" as in never-ending, that's fine too:
Those who are live and let live will blow it off and make you fit right in. That is the vast majority, 8 or 9/10 people, fortunately. Nothing will be said, no sly looks or comments whatsoever. The other 1 or 2 think you're nuts. Avoid them or get in their face, whatever amuses you most.
Asking questions of sober people probably isn't too cool unless they volunteer information. Some have asked, and they're usually drunk when they do so. I have answered with what I wrote above, no more or less. They usually don't get it, the question was dumb/rhetorical to begin with. What answer they want, I don't know. See, "the 1 or 2/10 who don't get it," previous point.
Yes, it was a difficult thing to change, over the first year. I jettisoned most of my drinking buddies, if not every one of them. Drunk bums have no truck with sober people, and vice-versa. Few thought I'd make it. I remember being tempted a few times, and passed. Stopped hanging with them, the temptation went away, after a year or so that was that permanently. "Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son", as they said in Animal House.
Those who must go through rehab are in a serious pickle, and I have respect for their (very) serious problem. That's beyond my experience and I don't judge. Once had a girlfriend whom, on my knowing her for a month, dropped court papers on my lap from her divorce years ago. She said, "read this please" and went home. Turns out she went through court-ordered rehab to keep primary custody of her son, which explained much. I was damn proud of her, not contemptuous. That's how I am: some judge, others admire what you did.
I took up fitness and running and made that my mission in life. Damned if that didn't work out well as a substitute: born again bad we might say, bad being good. Too bad I couldn't keep that going, but oh well: working on it!
Biggest problem-that-wasn't was in Africa couple times, among the English, Aussies, and Scots: they drink like they'll die tomorrow, who can blame them because southern Africa is a trippy place I cannot even begin to describe. They would hear none of my no-drinking ****. They waved shots under my nose. Once I took a shot of Jager and pretended to throw it back, then handed it to a peer. All that flew like a lead zeppelin. Who really gives a crap, I suppose. I just didn't want to be around it, so awakened each morning with fresh shave at 7:30am ready to go. I don't talk much to them anymore, great way to opt yourself out of the clique.
And that's part of the point, you'll never be in the clique again and be disgusted, then contemptuous, to be around drunk slobs. Male or female, it's just gross and stupid. So now, I'm a temperance crusader, truth to tell.
"Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety". So we ask ourselves if we have achieved the primary purpose. Perhaps we have stayed sober for whatever number of years and stopped going. But have we helped other alcoholics in those rooms achieve sobriety? I think maybe it's my time to go back.
If I go to gatherings where liquor is served (eg. weddings) I know I must have an escape plan before I go there, especially in early days. I purposely avoid celebrations. Today if I am offered an alcoholic drink all I say is "No thanks.I am allergic." or "No thanks, doctor's orders".
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"Once a pickle always a pickle".
