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Old 02-09-2019, 03:27 PM
 
7,235 posts, read 7,001,966 times
Reputation: 12265

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Quote:
Originally Posted by arwenmark View Post
This really bugs me, NO it is not a sad outlook and no there is nothing wrong with not having friends to "get together and have fun with" not if you do not want friends. and believe it or not there are people out there who don't want them or need them and that is what this thread is about.
Stop trying to make it NOT OKAY for those of us who feel different than you do.

I have no problem with people who are loners and prefer a solitary life. I don't relate to that-my friends are a very strong, enriching part of my life--but I recognize that everyone is different. Social anxiety is real!

But I do think it's sad to not socialize with people you call your friends because you feel they only want something from you more than your company. I was out with some of my oldest friends last night and was laughing so hard my stomach hurt. It's one of the best feelings in the world to me, I can't imagine thinking they "wanted" something from me.
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Old 02-09-2019, 03:37 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque, N.M.
312 posts, read 274,572 times
Reputation: 891
"I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social." -- Woody Allen

“I wasn't a misanthrope and I wasn't a misogynist but I liked being alone. ... I had always been good company for myself.” -- Charles Bukowski
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Old 02-09-2019, 07:04 PM
 
8,238 posts, read 6,531,544 times
Reputation: 23135
What about a person who doesn't really need you - maybe you were involved in a relationship with the person and now it has evolved into a friendship - but the long-term friendship of long duration sort of hobbles along because one person does not really need anyone. The person travels alone all the time - many trips - and doesn't have many people to relate to when not traveling.

Any thoughts on the type of person who doesn't really need anyone, so that everyone is really expendable?

I realize it's good not to be too needy and not to show excessive need in many relationships and friendships, but it can be difficult for people when they have a person in their life who really does not need them.
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Old 02-09-2019, 07:12 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 24,927,066 times
Reputation: 50788
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Dissenter View Post
So you talk about the posters who are showing judgement, then proceed to judge those posters by your own standards? Business as usual at CD I guess.
I don’t think this is judging by my own standards. I have asked for feedback. Your comment simply sounds like a put down with no further thought.

What I’m trying to get at is if people refuse to socialize at all with people who they feel give them nothing, aren’t they, themselves guilty of the same lack of giving.

If your (or my) social interactions are purely transactional, and never motivated by interest or compassion, what is left for us? How can anyone have friends ever? Are these people going to get through life never helping a co worker, serving on a church committee, or giving support to a friend or acquaintance? By definition, people who do not do these things are, at least, dead weight. At the most they are takers. Which is what these people have complained about in other people.
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Old 02-09-2019, 07:40 PM
 
1,279 posts, read 840,681 times
Reputation: 2054
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
I don’t think this is judging by my own standards. I have asked for feedback. Your comment simply sounds like a put down with no further thought.

What I’m trying to get at is if people refuse to socialize at all with people who they feel give them nothing, aren’t they, themselves guilty of the same lack of giving.

If your (or my) social interactions are purely transactional, and never motivated by interest or compassion, what is left for us? How can anyone have friends ever? Are these people going to get through life never helping a co worker, serving on a church committee, or giving support to a friend or acquaintance? By definition, people who do not do these things are, at least, dead weight. At the most they are takers. Which is what these people have complained about in other people.
If this is in light of my post, I have been on tons of church committees and am currently a member of multiple nonprofit boards. I was also a deacon at church multiple times (the committee that looks after people). I serve plenty- it just gets tiresome when people always just want something from me: usually money or career benefits but even my time for their project. It’s never “hey, I like you and I’d like to spend time with you, just to enjoy being around you.” It’s only, “hey, let’s meet up with him; we can get him to volunteer/donate/help me in some way.”
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Old 02-09-2019, 07:45 PM
 
371 posts, read 372,535 times
Reputation: 1704
The current thinking about introversion and extraversion is that it is a continuum and the majority of people are comfortably in the middle, neither one nor the other.

I am an extreme introvert by most standards, but I also enjoy my friends a lot. Just in smaller doses than most people. Introversion is not the same as misanthropy. I need a lot of personal space, because I have very permeable boundaries. It's almost a physical thing. I get 'taken over' by other people's energies if I am around them too much. Then I have to go looking for myself again, once I'm alone.

I grew up in a family dominated by extraverts, and more than that, there was a lot of contempt for, and misunderstanding of, people not like them. So I am, like many another, an introvert with extra baggage about it.
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Old 02-09-2019, 07:50 PM
 
8,238 posts, read 6,531,544 times
Reputation: 23135
Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppiesandKittens View Post

If this is in light of my post, I have been on tons of church committees and am currently a member of multiple nonprofit boards. I was also a deacon at church multiple times (the committee that looks after people). I serve plenty- it just gets tiresome when people always just want something from me: usually money or career benefits but even my time for their project. It’s never “hey, I like you and I’d like to spend time with you, just to enjoy being around you.” It’s only, “hey, let’s meet up with him; we can get him to volunteer/donate/help me in some way.”
Maybe what you describe (in blue) is out of style for many? For people holding full-time jobs and having children and child care tasks plus household tasks, maybe extra time for what you describe in blue is becoming less prevalent. For people beyond child raising years, maybe it's become more of a personal preference, and could be a preference due to the distraction of relying on electronics?

Just asking - could be.
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Old 02-10-2019, 08:42 AM
 
855 posts, read 618,695 times
Reputation: 1815
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Wave View Post
That's how I am. I'm polite and nice to others, but I don't really enjoy dealing with people. I stay in touch with my family because it is the right thing to do and it's important to have support, but I don't really miss them when I'm not around them. I'm a loner and I've gone a couple of weeks without talking to anyone else, and I didn't feel lonely or really miss other people at all. I'd say that would be to the far end of the introverted range.

I know extroverts who can't stand being alone and complain about being "lonely" when they are by themselves for any length of time. I guess we're all just wired differently.
I’m very introverted. Somewhat like a modern-day Emily
Dickinson, but without the knack for poetry!

I do like people, a lot; I just have a low tolerance for socializing,
so I feel a need for plenty of solitude in order to recharge.

That said, I like knowing people are around. I live in an apartment,
and like hearing the everyday signs of life that comes with residing
in a multi-family building: People going up and down the exterior
steps, someone walking across the unit above me, or closing a door
in the unit below me, etc. And they’re all very good about not being
noisy after a certain time in the evening.

We’re all doing our thing alongside each other, yet I still have my
space and my solitude when needed.


-
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Old 02-10-2019, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Redwood City, CA
15,242 posts, read 12,813,333 times
Reputation: 54012
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
My question is, isn’t this selfishness? Doesn’t all of this withholding lead to narrower, more barren lives?

Shouldn’t we be willing to give something of ourselves to people? When we encounter selfishness in others, is the proper response to be selfish in return? How else to break the cycle? And when do we finally become adult enough to take responsibility for becoming proactive, instead of reactive?
I have a question of my own:

How many times should I give attention and any part of myself to people who are just going to ambush me?

BTW, I love the way you've managed to brand an entire group of people as selfish, narrow-minded and childish. And how you've tried to make it sound as though your insults are for our own good.

I have elevator conversations with people. That's how I socialize. That's what I can handle. Don't like it? Don't do it.
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Old 02-10-2019, 10:01 AM
 
1,279 posts, read 840,681 times
Reputation: 2054
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
Maybe what you describe (in blue) is out of style for many? For people holding full-time jobs and having children and child care tasks plus household tasks, maybe extra time for what you describe in blue is becoming less prevalent. For people beyond child raising years, maybe it's become more of a personal preference, and could be a preference due to the distraction of relying on electronics?

Just asking - could be.
I think that you are correct. People in my stage of life don’t have much free time so they likely spend the little free time they have with their spouses and kids, which is the right thing to do.
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