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Old 02-15-2019, 10:50 AM
 
31 posts, read 9,145 times
Reputation: 45

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ellybelly83 View Post
The reality of you was too much of a threat. My bf has some female friends, if one of the dolled up to be around him i would be a little suspect of her intentions. I have male friends and when i hang out with them i resemble the people of walmart. The only person i dress up for is my guy.
She saw my Facebook pictures though and was on my FB prior to meeting her. I am always dolled up and she was "love" reacting my dolled up pics. Jason was NEVER inappropriate with me because he even said I am like a little sister to him. I knew him through a mutual friend and we share the same hurt and pain from a friend we lost, and we both have a hard time dealing with loss and grief. So our conversations always consist of him talking about his dead parents and me talking about our dead friend. We were just there for each other through crucial times, but nothing sexual ever went on, not even a kiss. I naturally dress up when I go anywhere. That's the person I am. It's kinda sad and judgmental to think one only dresses up for guys? When I am meeting people and different people I don't want to look like a hobo. Maybe after a couple of visits I'll dress down. But that's just me. That's a sad way of thinking because the only person I'm dressing up for is ME!
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Old 02-15-2019, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Chicago
879 posts, read 241,198 times
Reputation: 1699
I naturally dress up too, i work in management so its a bit of a requirement. But i know that it can be a sensitive subject, neither bf or I want to give up our other friendships so i make sure i dress down when i hang with a guy friend.
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Old 02-15-2019, 10:59 AM
 
31 posts, read 9,145 times
Reputation: 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hallouise View Post
Yes. She was meeting you not to make a new friend, but to suss you out.

You readily admit that you get really dolled up (and the fact that you brought this up tells me that you know this may have been a factor). Maybe it was all too much. That and the big ethnic meal that she's not able to cook herself - maybe it felt like you were competing for the male.

You were also in a relationship for most of the duration of your friendship with Jason, yes? Jason ends up dating a woman who's a lot like you. He probably told her that, too. So she knows that you were something special to him. She's probably thinking "If we're so much alike, then probably the only thing that kept Jason and her from dating was the fact that she was in a long-term relationship. And now she's not".

She smells trouble, whether fair or not. Give them some distance. Don't write Jason off just yet, maybe you'll be closer in the future. But she met you to suss you out, and for one reason or another you didn't pass the test. Be friendly when necessary, but don't keep trying to develop a friendship with her.
Oh my! No! I never dated, kissed or had sex with Jason EVER!! We are platonic friends and always have been. We had a friend whom died. We both knew her and that friend was the one who introduced me to Jason. We talk about our grief and loss of our best friend and his dead parents. That's all our conversation consist of. He was never inappropriate with me and neither was I. We were just there for each other. And her friend Jordan asked if I would make Lasagna because he's been craving Italian food, and she was all for it. She knew about it prior. I wasn't competing. There was all mutual understanding. I'm just a giving person and a loving person. I didn't cook that food for any reason other than to just share my excitement with them and bring joy. That's all. That's really sad. I was hoping I could be friends with her. It's one ****ed up situation and honestly I'm really hurt. Because I don't want her man, and no man that's in a relationship. Just ****ed up. Whatever, I guess my kindness and generosity is taken as something sinister. That really hurts.
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Old 02-15-2019, 11:09 AM
 
1,398 posts, read 535,065 times
Reputation: 2553
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pearljam93 View Post
Hey! So it is kinda odd to me this situation. I've been friends with this guy (Jason) platonically for 4 years. He has been on and off with this woman he had a child with, and they finally made it official to be with each other. I only knew about her through messages, so I friend requested her, and we started talking. My friend was always saying that me and her are alike. I felt that. She was really sweet, really nice, and opened up to me alot. We both were super excited meeting each other for the first time, and meeting up with my old guy friend whom I haven't seen in a long time as well. She also said she missed homecooked italian food since her mom passed away. And always loved her Lasagna.

So, my first visit I made homemade lasagna for her and meatballs and homemade garlic bread (I'm italian) lol. So, she seemed happy. We laughed alot and had a really good time! Everything was good according to me! Then after that hangout we had she has been silent with me. And my guy friend too. They don't converse with me anymore, and they aren't "liking" or commenting on my Facebook like they were. They just respond to me when I say "Hope you have a great day!" But they aren't initiating conversation like before. I don't know how to go about this and their weird behavior? Because me and his girlfriend really connected and I was very kind towards her, she was as well to me. So, I thought it was all good vibes. She even said she was happy that Jason is happy to have a woman friend like me who won't over step boundaries. She said she had alot of issues with that and I understood. Because Jason has ALOT of woman friends. But I'm a womans woman and I even told her that. I've never been inappropriate with Jason and Jason never was with me either. My one friend thinks she might have been jealous of me. Because I get really dolled up and dressed up all the time, but if we were laughing and having a good time, then there shouldn't be a problem? And she was like begging to see me and to hang with me, and now it's like I'm pretty non existent to them. I don't know how to take this? I tried to be nice and make them a homemade dinner, and we all had fun! I am so mind boggled. I don't know how to approach it either. Thank you for reading.
She thinks her man likes you as more than just a friend so now she's feeling threatened. Probably made a big stink about the friendship and that's why Jason is acting the way he is acting. Sometimes men with female best friends end up with the best friend, so she may be worried about that too. Maybe she thinks he does have feelings for you.
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Old 02-15-2019, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Chicago
879 posts, read 241,198 times
Reputation: 1699
It sounds like you two had a deep bond and it was probably hard for girlfriend to accept.

I have a good male friend, we met on OLD and clicked instantly, like you and Jason our past somewhat mirrored each other and both dealt with issues from being fat as kids, there wasn't any chemistry so we chose to be friends. When bf came on the scene he was very jealous and couldn't understand why i wasn't with the guy that i had so much in common with, it got to the point where he wanted me to choose, i don't do ultimatums and i picked my friend. We got back together and he met the guy, he could see i wasn't into him at all, but he was still hurt that i picked the friend over him. Over time he accepted the fact that i have males, single and married in my life.
You said Jason's relationship with his gf was on and off for years. That kind of instability coupled with her own insecurities i can see if she had asked him to cut contact with all his females friends.
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Old 02-15-2019, 11:27 AM
 
Location: Northern Virginia
5,082 posts, read 5,346,651 times
Reputation: 12576
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pearljam93 View Post
I am trying to establish a relationship with her by texting her and not Jason as much. I'm just a very loving person and always love people. I understand if they just don't like me, but I guess it's mindboggling when it was very lively energy and a lot of fun! And we all laughed with no awkward moments. It all was such a good time. And I spoke toher like 80% of the time. Jason and his buddies were also over. So, I just stuck by her and talked to her. I did find it strange that I mad each very nice dinner for them, and they weren't super thrilled about it. They said "Thank you" of course but they just seemed like "whatever" about it. It kinda did hurt my feelings because I put alot of effort into my food and want people to be just as excited as me. My grandfather was a chef so I learned alot about home cooking, and tasty dishes. So, I guess it really kinda dampened my mood that they weren't that grateful? I just felt like everything else though was natural and awesome! It's actually hurting me alot because I never felt this way. And actually she is prettier than me and wore less makeup, so I don't think me being dolled up and having nice makeup on made her feel insecure. I just hate it when I'm speculating and nobody tells me their true feelings.

I'm a real straight up person. I know if I go to them and ask them if they are cool with me they are going to be fake and say "of course". They aren't going to be real with me if they truly don't like me, which makes me more anxious and sad. It just really sucks. I'm not the flirty type either, I'm a womans woman. I don't understand. I honestly wish they could tell me to my face if they don't like me, so I can just move on and not deal with them. I guess I'll just keep to myself. I'm not going to keep being in people's lives if I'm unwelcomed. Just hurts my heart.
I think you're doing the right thing in backing off. Not all friendships are lasting, and it may be time to let this one fizzle.

I understand it's painful but keep in mind that it's you in an indirect way - it's not you personally. It's not that she doesn't like you. If you and her had met any other way, you probably would have been good friends. But she's admitted that she has issues with this, and his friendships with women could be why they have been on and off for years. Now that they have a child together, maybe he's agreed to distance himself from those opposite sex friends to make things work.
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Old 02-15-2019, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,631 posts, read 11,084,828 times
Reputation: 37650
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pearljam93 View Post
Hey! So it is kinda odd to me this situation. I've been friends with this guy (Jason) platonically for 4 years. He has been on and off with this woman he had a child with, and they finally made it official to be with each other. I only knew about her through messages, so I friend requested her, and we started talking. My friend was always saying that me and her are alike. I felt that. She was really sweet, really nice, and opened up to me alot. We both were super excited meeting each other for the first time, and meeting up with my old guy friend whom I haven't seen in a long time as well. She also said she missed homecooked italian food since her mom passed away. And always loved her Lasagna.

So, my first visit I made homemade lasagna for her and meatballs and homemade garlic bread (I'm italian) lol. So, she seemed happy. We laughed alot and had a really good time! Everything was good according to me! Then after that hangout we had she has been silent with me. And my guy friend too. They don't converse with me anymore, and they aren't "liking" or commenting on my Facebook like they were. They just respond to me when I say "Hope you have a great day!" But they aren't initiating conversation like before. I don't know how to go about this and their weird behavior? Because me and his girlfriend really connected and I was very kind towards her, she was as well to me. So, I thought it was all good vibes. She even said she was happy that Jason is happy to have a woman friend like me who won't over step boundaries. She said she had alot of issues with that and I understood. Because Jason has ALOT of woman friends. But I'm a womans woman and I even told her that. I've never been inappropriate with Jason and Jason never was with me either. My one friend thinks she might have been jealous of me. Because I get really dolled up and dressed up all the time, but if we were laughing and having a good time, then there shouldn't be a problem? And she was like begging to see me and to hang with me, and now it's like I'm pretty non existent to them. I don't know how to take this? I tried to be nice and make them a homemade dinner, and we all had fun! I am so mind boggled. I don't know how to approach it either. Thank you for reading.


I suspect the lasagna wasn't all that good, or, they see you as a threat.

Last edited by don1945; 02-15-2019 at 12:09 PM..
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Old 02-15-2019, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,672 posts, read 41,395,027 times
Reputation: 82010
Quote:
Originally Posted by HokieFan View Post
I think you're doing the right thing in backing off. Not all friendships are lasting, and it may be time to let this one fizzle.

I understand it's painful but keep in mind that it's you in an indirect way - it's not you personally.
I agree.

She is the primary woman in his life, you are not, and despite your best efforts to prove yourself to be neutral, she has asserted herself as The One. For whatever reason.

Try hard not to take it personally, and continue to respect their boundary.
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Old 02-15-2019, 12:17 PM
 
6,373 posts, read 2,285,056 times
Reputation: 14644
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pearljam93 View Post
I am trying to establish a relationship with her by texting her and not Jason as much. I'm just a very loving person and always love people. I understand if they just don't like me, but I guess it's mindboggling when it was very lively energy and a lot of fun! And we all laughed with no awkward moments. It all was such a good time. And I spoke toher like 80% of the time. Jason and his buddies were also over. So, I just stuck by her and talked to her. I did find it strange that I mad each very nice dinner for them, and they weren't super thrilled about it. They said "Thank you" of course but they just seemed like "whatever" about it. It kinda did hurt my feelings because I put alot of effort into my food and want people to be just as excited as me. My grandfather was a chef so I learned alot about home cooking, and tasty dishes. So, I guess it really kinda dampened my mood that they weren't that grateful? I just felt like everything else though was natural and awesome! It's actually hurting me alot because I never felt this way. And actually she is prettier than me and wore less makeup, so I don't think me being dolled up and having nice makeup on made her feel insecure. I just hate it when I'm speculating and nobody tells me their true feelings.

I'm a real straight up person. I know if I go to them and ask them if they are cool with me they are going to be fake and say "of course". They aren't going to be real with me if they truly don't like me, which makes me more anxious and sad. It just really sucks. I'm not the flirty type either, I'm a womans woman. I don't understand. I honestly wish they could tell me to my face if they don't like me, so I can just move on and not deal with them. I guess I'll just keep to myself. I'm not going to keep being in people's lives if I'm unwelcomed. Just hurts my heart.

Maybe (and I mean this kindly, for real) you're just a little too much "extra" for them (her) and they need some time to absorb it. I don't think there's a thing you need to change about yourself because you seem delightful...but maybe just pull back a little.


Truly, you seem delightful.
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Old 02-15-2019, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,981 posts, read 16,703,857 times
Reputation: 19585
Maybe you connected with her more than she is into you?


My boyfriend's best friend is a woman who I am not threatened by at all - it's obvious that neither of them are attracted to the other and their relationship is more like siblings than anything. I also find her incredibly obnoxious, needy, and immature, but out of respect for my boyfriend, I'm very nice to her. The problem is, she thinks we're also going to be best friends even independent of my boyfriend and she regularly texts me and tries to hang out alone. At first, I went out with her a few times, but I realized it was getting harder to keep my mouth shut so I backed away. It's caused tension.



It's awkward - I'm not going to tell her that I'm not a fan of hers because I very much value that she and my boyfriend have a strong bond. That said, I'm not interested in having girl's night with her or spending time with her without my boyfriend - or even WITH my boyfriend. I think, unfortunately, this has created some distance between the two of them. I don't need to or want to be involved in their friendship but I think she was trying to be respectful to me by developing a friendship with me independently - it just wasn't going to happen.






Quote:
Originally Posted by Pearljam93 View Post
I am trying to establish a relationship with her by texting her and not Jason as much. I'm just a very loving person and always love people. I understand if they just don't like me, but I guess it's mindboggling when it was very lively energy and a lot of fun! And we all laughed with no awkward moments. It all was such a good time. And I spoke toher like 80% of the time. Jason and his buddies were also over. So, I just stuck by her and talked to her. I did find it strange that I mad each very nice dinner for them, and they weren't super thrilled about it. They said "Thank you" of course but they just seemed like "whatever" about it. It kinda did hurt my feelings because I put alot of effort into my food and want people to be just as excited as me. My grandfather was a chef so I learned alot about home cooking, and tasty dishes. So, I guess it really kinda dampened my mood that they weren't that grateful? I just felt like everything else though was natural and awesome! It's actually hurting me alot because I never felt this way. And actually she is prettier than me and wore less makeup, so I don't think me being dolled up and having nice makeup on made her feel insecure. I just hate it when I'm speculating and nobody tells me their true feelings.

The bolded part sounds EXHAUSTING. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who very apparently had an appropriate threshhold of gratitude that they expected me to show. That's toxic and uncomfortable. That just doesn't jive with what you said about being a straightforward person.
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