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Old 02-16-2019, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,664 posts, read 14,253,536 times
Reputation: 30320

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Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
OP, if your schedule allows, I'd recommend taking a vacation. Go alone -- anywhere -- for a week or two. And it doesn't need to be some tourist trap type place. You could go to a dump like Cleveland. The destination doesn't matter. The idea is to just get away for a little while.

You may find that it was exactly what you needed.
I agree with this! This time of year you could visit a sunny locale. You could not check social media, and just chill.

Then see how you feel about coming home, as your plane lands. Are you suddenly filled with dread? Do you feel as if you want to put off contacting your family for at least another day? You might gain some insight.

Where wherever you go, you take yourself with you.
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Old 02-16-2019, 05:48 PM
 
7,980 posts, read 3,444,021 times
Reputation: 11229
You can cut the ties without running away,
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Old 02-16-2019, 07:31 PM
 
9,197 posts, read 9,183,108 times
Reputation: 11601
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I have some family members that cause me a lot of stress (but whom I love).

I am having a fantasy of moving away - but I like where I live!In 12 Step programs they call this "doing a geographic" and it is not recommended, but I am really fantasizing about going somewhere where I could have some peace. Of course there still will be phones/FB/Instagram, so I will still know what's going on (which often torments me).
Doesn't seem like a great idea. I wish you would have mentioned your age, because it seems to me that running away isn't a great pattern.

You'd do much better learning how to cope with your family.
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Old 02-16-2019, 11:03 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,020 posts, read 22,808,725 times
Reputation: 34961
I highly recommend moving far away from family.

Then, get a therapist to help you deal with the continued contact with them, until you can figure out how to separate yourself/set boundaries, etc.

For me, it was the only way to grow as a separate individual. Really glad I did it. Went away for many years, and eventually came back, but by then, I was no longer in contact with any of my family. So, I could enjoy the area, without the toxic family stuff.

Good luck.
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Old 02-17-2019, 05:44 AM
 
Location: New Britain, CT
760 posts, read 273,602 times
Reputation: 1114
When my dad passes (I take care of him in his house. he is 88), Odds are that I will relocate within the town I am in and just block my sisters on my phone. If they lived in the same town odds are that I would never bump into them anyway.



So relocate within your town, get a new phone number and instruct any mutuals to NEVER give it out, or your address. All of my family is also blocked on Facebook.
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Old 02-17-2019, 07:30 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
9,848 posts, read 20,116,919 times
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There’s nothing wrong with moving, if you want to experience a new environment, meet different people, and expand your horizons. I think it’s healthy.

Cutting ties with your family while living in the same city they live in might cause more stress than moving. There’s all this angst and questioning.

Travel and new experiences are enlightening. A couple of people I know in AA say one of the best things about the program is being able to connect with your community, no matter where you go.

Shake it loose.
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Old 02-17-2019, 07:36 AM
 
952 posts, read 356,353 times
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Move!!! Start watching the travel channel or just exploring other places. Find start looking for jobs in other places. Sometimes it's really good to cut ties and start over! Live your best life now!
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Old 02-17-2019, 11:44 AM
 
Location: Kirkland, WA (Metro Seattle)
3,960 posts, read 3,229,627 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nurider2002 View Post
Have to disagree with the other posters here. I moved 1500 miles to put distance between myself and my extended family, whom I love very much, five years ago. No regrets. The constant drama that consumes my family was something I found hard to escape living within 20 miles of them all. Since I am not on any social media sites my contact with family is by phone or text, it is much easier to set boundaries from a distance. I have family who visits every year and I travel back once or twice a year to visit. The down side is, we are not as close as we used to be. The up side is, my life is much less stressful today. I will say that I was also very ready for a change in locale so perhaps that made it easier. I think my marriage improved as a result of not always dealing with family problems. Family is a wonderful thing, from a distance.
LOL: very good. The "downside" is actually the "upside," RE closeness, since too much closeness was what caused the problem, presumably.

I got along much better with my family once I'd put 2,250 miles between me and them. While I loved them, I sure as hell didn't like them. Major difference! Never did, never would, and when they passed in good time (decades), I had very few if-any regrets. Funny thing was, they were no doubt relieved I split, too. I could give a ___t what anyone else in that town thought, though they made efforts to subtly let me know across those couple decades.

Have to make your own way in life, I'll sure agree with you there.

Last line is a gem, too. Awesome.
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Old 02-17-2019, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Kirkland, WA (Metro Seattle)
3,960 posts, read 3,229,627 times
Reputation: 7004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
Somehow I doubt how much "peace" you'll actually get by a physical move. You'll always know WHY you moved...it wasn't what you wanted it was something done to escape something. In a way, a defeat. It might make you feel better initially, but the reasons you don't get along with these people will probably still be there. You might feel that they "chased" you out of your home even if it's not really the case. Isn't there a way to change how you choose to connect with them instead? The distance could be created in a non-geographical manner. Seems harder but probably better in the long run, because you're controlling it, not running from it.
LOL: had to rep this, the phrase "get some peace" isn't too clever, sort of a trigger for yours truly. I've combed the Hawaii forums occasionally, out of idle curiosity, and some genius invariably cruises in to talk about "moving to the islands" to "get some peace." Usually some hillbilly and three brats plus common law wife from Missouri or whatever. They're laughed out of the section, fast. Problems usually follow weak people, doesn't matter where they live. They bring it along, half the time, those who actually summon the moxie to even move from (wherever). Not always, mind: I personally think it's a great idea as long as you realize what you're doing, top to bottom.

When I was 22, I knew I was leaving MI and had planned it a year or two in my undergrad (4 years) prior with job lined up elsewhere. Back when you could actually do that, if you had valuable skills in-training. Which I surely did, STEM being valuable back then (and valuable to an "unclear" extent today).

I figured: One, who would want to stick around that place? Two, there are things to see in the country, and world. Both are big places in every sense of the phrase, this isn't Lichtenstein. Three, I wanted to put my parents and childhood home in the rear-view because all were annoying, loved but not liked. That had gotten better the four years I lived away from home in college, visiting occasionally, which proved the point.

Back then, I had a phone as the only tether, and that could always be if not unplugged then selectively answered. However, proving the point in the non-dinosaur era (i.e. today), I've unplugged (main social media site) twice, for year(s) at a time. Other social media, for business, always stays up. The remainder can be unplugged temporarily. Say two years. It's, uh, easy enough. Find better things to do in life.

The above assumes OP has skills and resources, and no compelling physical reason to NOT leave. If so, well, it's more complicated and a boundaries check is in order if there is no physical escape. If you're a dial at zero, needle going the other way, my condolences.
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Old 02-17-2019, 03:26 PM
 
Location: St Louis MO area
62 posts, read 21,896 times
Reputation: 477
I moved about 40 miles away and it did the trick for the most part. I still want contact with my mom (dad is dead), brother, and son. The extended family.... meh. I have one relative that has been an endless source of drama, backstabbing, rumor-starting, etc. since we were all toddlers. My Plan A was to raise my son to 18 and then move alone to Florida. Before that happened, I met my (now) husband. We bought a house with the specific plan of being close enough to help my mom if needed, but far enough away to keep ANYONE from "just dropping in" for a visit. I knew if we lived closer to my family, we would be dragged in to all the BS. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to be this far away from the drama!
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