Moving to Get Away From People (female, male, member, wedding)
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I have some family members that cause me a lot of stress (but whom I love).
I am having a fantasy of moving away - but I like where I live!
In 12 Step programs they call this "doing a geographic" and it is not recommended, but I am really fantasizing about going somewhere where I could have some peace.
Of course there still will be phones/FB/Instagram, so I will still know what's going on (which often torments me).
If you like where you live, you might end up resenting them, for causing you to leave a place you enjoy. Unless you were able to find an equivalent place elsewhere.
I think there's nothing wrong with putting some distance between you and difficult or unpleasant or stressful family members.Sounds like potentially a healthy choice.
Somehow I doubt how much "peace" you'll actually get by a physical move. You'll always know WHY you moved...it wasn't what you wanted it was something done to escape something. In a way, a defeat. It might make you feel better initially, but the reasons you don't get along with these people will probably still be there. You might feel that they "chased" you out of your home even if it's not really the case. Isn't there a way to change how you choose to connect with them instead? The distance could be created in a non-geographical manner. Seems harder but probably better in the long run, because you're controlling it, not running from it.
I would definitely stay where you are if you love where you live. If your family causes you a lot of stress and you want to distance yourself from them, unfortunately you're just going to have to start distancing yourself from them. It might seem mean and they probably won't be happy about it but it's for your own good.
Ditch the Facebook, etc. You don't need it.
I'm an only child and besides my parents, now that my grandparents are all dead and gone, I have nothing to do with the rest of my family. They stress me out with their constant need for drama and I haven't seen them in years and frankly I don't want to see them again, ever. I don't hate them or wish bad things, but I don't want them in my life.
I'm 37, never married, no kids. I have an account with an online dating website because I like female companionship on occasion, I can never see myself "sharing" my life with someone or being responsible for raising kids.
I don't have a Facebook. I don't watch the news, the weather, I don't even have a TV. What little social media I do like is this forum and I'm definitely a Youtube junkie. The news stresses me out to the max and I used to force myself to watch it because I was raised to believe I needed to be "informed". Well I realized once that I don't need to be the smartest guy in the room.
I travel, have a ton of hobbies, enjoy my job. I'm happy and content. You can be too.
Have to disagree with the other posters here. I moved 1500 miles to put distance between myself and my extended family, whom I love very much, five years ago. No regrets. The constant drama that consumes my family was something I found hard to escape living within 20 miles of them all. Since I am not on any social media sites my contact with family is by phone or text, it is much easier to set boundaries from a distance. I have family who visits every year and I travel back once or twice a year to visit. The down side is, we are not as close as we used to be. The up side is, my life is much less stressful today. I will say that I was also very ready for a change in locale so perhaps that made it easier. I think my marriage improved as a result of not always dealing with family problems. Family is a wonderful thing, from a distance.
This is a challenging situation. It really depends on a number of variables in the OP's life. I would wonder how the local economy is doing where the OP lives. Is career a consideration in comparing the current place with a new place? What about social life in current and future locations?
All in all, it is probably easier to stay in the current location and reduce interactions with family.
Specific to my life, it is easier for me to not live in the same city as family members. Additionally, my family members are scattered.
I would definitely stay where you are if you love where you live. If your family causes you a lot of stress and you want to distance yourself from them, unfortunately you're just going to have to start distancing yourself from them. It might seem mean and they probably won't be happy about it but it's for your own good.
Ditch the Facebook, etc. You don't need it.
I'm an only child and besides my parents, now that my grandparents are all dead and gone, I have nothing to do with the rest of my family. They stress me out with their constant need for drama and I haven't seen them in years and frankly I don't want to see them again, ever. I don't hate them or wish bad things, but I don't want them in my life.
I'm 37, never married, no kids. I have an account with an online dating website because I like female companionship on occasion, I can never see myself "sharing" my life with someone or being responsible for raising kids.
I don't have a Facebook. I don't watch the news, the weather, I don't even have a TV. What little social media I do like is this forum and I'm definitely a Youtube junkie. The news stresses me out to the max and I used to force myself to watch it because I was raised to believe I needed to be "informed". Well I realized once that I don't need to be the smartest guy in the room.
I travel, have a ton of hobbies, enjoy my job. I'm happy and content. You can be too.
Wow! You could be the child I never had
I did marry (widowed now) and have a TV, primarily to record DVR movies, but other than that, we're clones.
Stay where you are and just cut ties. It is under your control how much you see them and how much you interact with them.
That being said, I've lived a long distance away from family drama and it was a side benefit. Not the reason for me to live where I lived, and I wouldn't have moved away from an area I loved or away from a good job in order to escape from family, but I will admit it was nice to not be receiving dinner invitations and the like.
I am for moving to get away from things, but only in very specific circumstances. When I left my hometown, where I was very happy for the most part, I found a whole new level of happiness in my new home.
But here's the thing: I knew after putting in a lot of work that I had achieved "peak happiness" in my hometown. I had a very good job. I had a wide circle of friends and family who were very dear to me. I had also sought out activities I enjoyed and was not able to pursue them as fully as I wanted to. I had put in the work to create my own happiness, but it just wasn't happening. I have always believed "Wherever you go, there you are," but it's not always true. When I found a city that truly spoke to me (Denver, in my case), I realized I wanted to leave my beloved hometown. I could have stayed and probably been... content, but I wanted more.
So I moved 1700 miles away. I found chances to develop the activities I was interested in (creative writing, dog sports), and I found a great deal of pleasure in being "unknown." There was no baggage of family history weighing me down. And I got a much more clear view of my interactions with my own family. Eventually, I realized my relationship with my mother was deeply toxic and started to work on things in therapy, where I made a ton of progress. So right now, when I'm not working my days are filled with fun activities with my dogs, creative writing group meetings, new friends and generally happy stuff. The absence of my original circle of friends and my cousins is a constant ache, and I dream of my hometown and its surroundings. I am in exile, essentially. But I genuinely love my life, and the happiness I feel on a daily basis is a revelation.
OP, you know your family is part of the problem. Before you move from a place you enjoy, see a therapist to work on the issue. This would not work for me, because my mother has poor boundaries and I needed physical distance from her to realize just how toxic things were. I literally had a repressed memory surface after I'd been away for 5 years that brought everything into focus. That would not have happened in my hometown, where proximity caused me to bury a very disturbing recollection. If you like where you are, take whatever steps you think you need to achieve happiness THERE. Learn to set appropriate boundaries with your family and explore the resources in the community for entertainment and socializing.
If none of that works, then start looking for a place that speaks to you and research how you can build a life there. I miss weird stuff about my hometown and adjacent areas. The restaurant culture there is different, which I never really considered. The climate is more humid, and so that wild areas are very different from the mountains of where I live now. The ocean was only 30 minutes away. The area was steeped in history related to the founding of this country, which regularly left me in awe.
But I HAD to go. I have maintained most of my relationships with friends and family via social media, and I get back to visit when I can. My days in my new area are very joyful and the friends I have made here are truly wonderful. I have learned to live with the ache of homesickness that never quite leaves me. But I realize now that my choice to leave was a necessity for my continued growth and future happiness. Make sure you aren't trying to escape anything that will just follow you before you make the decision to leave.
Have to disagree with the other posters here. I moved 1500 miles to put distance between myself and my extended family, whom I love very much, five years ago. No regrets. The constant drama that consumes my family was something I found hard to escape living within 20 miles of them all. Since I am not on any social media sites my contact with family is by phone or text, it is much easier to set boundaries from a distance. I have family who visits every year and I travel back once or twice a year to visit. The down side is, we are not as close as we used to be. The up side is, my life is much less stressful today. I will say that I was also very ready for a change in locale so perhaps that made it easier. I think my marriage improved as a result of not always dealing with family problems. Family is a wonderful thing, from a distance.
I agree completely. Like nurider said, you will not be as close as you once were. You don't want to be close, but you'll want be able to attend a wedding or funeral.
Cutting ties, means cutting ties. It's harsh. Been there, done that. Family gets pretty angry. You may not find the peace you are looking for.
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Thoughts from an Exile
