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Old 02-19-2019, 12:10 AM
 
1,110 posts, read 322,457 times
Reputation: 3379

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Absolutely say no. You do not want to open this door. It starts with this one favor and soon it is another. First it's a visit for this school, then it's Johnny had such a good time with you, he relates so well to you, can you let him spend a weekend? Then it's a few weeks in the summer.
You are better off if he doesn't know where you live.
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Old 02-19-2019, 04:27 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,535 posts, read 21,206,643 times
Reputation: 8470
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
You are on target. He has a history of hurting other kids and animals. He has zero remorse for his actions. He can't understand or process emotions like other kids. He has been in and out of of treatment facilities for his young life.


I have more insight into the need for a parent/guardian at the school. My step sibling is planning to attend but can only take off the bare minimum of time from her job. So that was not clear on the original ask. She wants us to host him solo for a few days and host both of them for the rest of the visit. Answer is still no.
If mom wasn't going to be there I'd say hell no.

What exactly would the schedule be? Would she be there the 1st few days and if so, how many of those days will she be there verses she won't. What will the schedule be that they're spending time at the school?

This would allow you to actually be there with this older kid that you do not know but his mother would be there too. If you dislike the way either is you could cut it short. I doubt they'd be at your house much as they'd be busy with testing etc. It's probably more so for them to crash at night and probably dinner.

My daughter can get pretty out of hand with her anger but she was always behaved around new people even if we visited them for a week or so. She really had to get to know them before that anger would show. I do wonder if the boy has changed now that he's older and I'm also wondering if he'd allow you to see any of his bad behaviors. This arrangement could change him for the rest of his life.

As for the future if he does get accepted, don't allow her to add you to his school stuff. Make her be the one responsible.

Honestly, I would probably do it if she was there with him for most of it if he was able to behave while she was there. As soon as I saw old behaviors all bets are off.

Please give it some thought before deciding not to do this. You could end up changing this kids life. He has no father figure which probably adds to it. It's added to my daughters anger issues.
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:25 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,939 posts, read 16,661,771 times
Reputation: 19443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccernerd View Post
Absolutely you need to protect your family. You aren’t even close to your sister. Why is she assuming that you’d be willing to do this?
Because she's a single mother with a severely disturbed child and a job that neither pays much nor apparently will allow her to take the time off she needs. If I was looking at a choice between losing my job and getting my child help, or not losing my means of supporting my family and not getting my child help, I would be asking everyone and anyone in my life for any assistance. Wouldn't you?

That doesn't mean that the OP should say yes.
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Old 02-19-2019, 07:23 AM
 
872 posts, read 260,999 times
Reputation: 1922
Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
Because she's a single mother with a severely disturbed child and a job that neither pays much nor apparently will allow her to take the time off she needs. If I was looking at a choice between losing my job and getting my child help, or not losing my means of supporting my family and not getting my child help, I would be asking everyone and anyone in my life for any assistance. Wouldn't you?

That doesn't mean that the OP should say yes.
^^^^This^^^^

The problem with the OP situation is this kid is a loose cannon. He may or may not be okay. Unfortunately, the stakes are too high to chance it.

My problem with the situation is if he acts badly (new people, new house, new school and too much stress) and the police are involved? Not helpful for anyone including his nephew.
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Old 02-19-2019, 07:46 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,221 posts, read 17,256,497 times
Reputation: 27099
I would go no further than you have. Getting yourself too close is just going to create unnecessary drama.
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Old 02-19-2019, 08:23 AM
 
1,951 posts, read 1,286,635 times
Reputation: 3354
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
They don't call kids sociopath. They have a kinds of other misnomers that amount to that constellation of traits. The thinking is that a child may not develop full blown adult sociopathy with intervention. He's not on the spectrum. He's violent, intelligent, can read others but has not been able to demonstrate empathetic connection to people, doesn't understand fear, and doesn't get remorse. He can be manipulative and lies like a pro. Again not autism.
Sounds like my old neighbor. The kid had no fear or remorse to do anything.

I'd let that kid no where near your house and not think twice.
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Old 02-19-2019, 08:28 AM
 
11,934 posts, read 6,580,261 times
Reputation: 12781
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
I have updated the information on this that was not clear when she first asked. She plans to be there for part of the visit. You can find the information earlier in the thread.
She needs to be with him the whole time. I'll bet if she talked to the school and explained her situation, that she as a single parent can only get X amount of time off from work to visit the school with her son, they would understand, and they could complete their visit during her time off.

That is what she would have to do if she wasn't expecting you to help. If she wants her kid to get into that program, then she will do what she needs to do whether you are involved or not.
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Old 02-19-2019, 08:45 AM
 
16,988 posts, read 20,549,176 times
Reputation: 33950
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
She needs to be with him the whole time. I'll bet if she talked to the school and explained her situation, that she as a single parent can only get X amount of time off from work to visit the school with her son, they would understand, and they could complete their visit during her time off.

That is what she would have to do if she wasn't expecting you to help. If she wants her kid to get into that program, then she will do what she needs to do whether you are involved or not.
This sounds good, but the stepsister could still say "can we stay with you" if she can get the time off, having his mother there might decrease the chances of him getting violent and lashing out, but you don't know.

The mother does need to be there, but she needs to figure out of way of not asking others to house her child.

Maybe the OP and other family members could offer to cover the cost of the stepsister and son staying at a hotel or motel?
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Old 02-19-2019, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
560 posts, read 132,500 times
Reputation: 1666
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
There's no money to move. This child would live at the school. I see this as a slippery slope with more asks for involvement in the future when my step sister can't take time off work to do certain things. I am also not sure I want to familiarize this kid with our house as the first stop on any journey away from this facility.

I do feel badly. If no one treats this kid like a normal human chances are great he won't be able to function like one, ever. But his past behavior is scary. It's too great a risk and I'm not equipped to handle him in one of his "episodes"....at 4 they were creepy and frightening. I can't imagine what they are like now.
This really says everything. You fear more expected future involvement and you fear future repercussions from having this boy familiar with your home's location, layout and probable routines.

While I understand you want to be able to do something positive for this kid you have to put your own family first. If you don't feel equipped to handle him then you shouldn't put yourself and your family in the situation where it could happen. Your parents have said "he's better" but what does that really mean and does it still apply when he's in an unfamiliar home without the parent who is used to dealing with this? Any normal kid pushes the envelope when they are away from home and think they might get away with a little more than usual. What's this kid going to do?

Your sister needs to look for a different solution. She may or may not like that answer but that's life. This child was part of the hand that she was dealt, not you.
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Old 02-19-2019, 10:15 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
560 posts, read 132,500 times
Reputation: 1666
Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
And to those who have asked, father is not in the picture. The marriage broke up when the child was 5 and his mom refused to get him inpatient care after he attacked another child violently. No one knows where Dad is. He refuses all contact. I had heard that he had set up some kind of arrangement to pay support through an attorney at one point but the cost of this child's care is heavy. Mother doesn't have a professional job and works in restaurants.
So she didn't take this seriously then but now he's "much better" and safe to leave alone with you and your family for a few days?

Nope.

This also makes me wonder if she doesn't also have other, perhaps better and safer, options for him that would not involve you or this school that she's refusing to consider because she wants desperately to believe that her little boy is in there somewhere. (as a mother I don't blame this but reality doesn't always match your hopes and dreams)
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