U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-19-2019, 12:40 AM
 
Location: Middle of the Pacific Ocean
11,348 posts, read 6,128,824 times
Reputation: 11175

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by flyingsaucermom View Post
No you're not over reacting. This move is straight from my family's playbook, myself included..

Daughter is feeling conflicted and she's trying to mitigate her feelings (maybe other people's feelings too). She likely had a good time with you and thought it might be nice to take a trip with you. You agreed and maybe she wasn't expecting that and/or she started giving it serious thought, maybe she talked to a spouse/friend and that individual isn't as comfortable or even dislikes the idea of you going with them (that would be my husband in my case).

So she tried to back out.. and got caught...

She felt guilty, and felt bad and probably negotiated with the other person/people in the travel party and came to compromise: Invite mom, but not all the days.. They get some time with you, but they also get some time with just themselves.

Take from it what you will. I've been in your daughter's position my entire life. My mom and I get along so-so. We talk on the phone about once every week or two, but we only see each other 1-2x a year and even that is exhausting. Mom and I are cut from a different cloth and neither of us like each other's lifestyles or value systems. It's a mutual thing. We go through the motions of being family because of social norms more than genuine interest.

But from your stand point: Yeah, she doesn't want you around the whole time on that trip and/or there are other influences on her life that don't want you around the whole time on that trip. How could that not make you feel bad and self-conscious?

I would feel that I'm not as "loved" or as important as other people in my daughter's life. Of course, that might just be a feeling and not the "truth", but in my opinion truth is always best expressed through behavior.

To someone in this situation your presence is only wanted/tolerated for part of the time.
Without knowing more, that's what comes to my mind, too. The OP's daughter here in this case (either her or someone else) seems to not want the mother around for the full vacation. While such a position can be understandable, I still find it in poor taste. On the whole, I would NOT personally ever fly to Hawaii for only four days. I live in Hawaii now and flying out here from the mainland can be very tiring. Still, if I was the OP, I'd still go, but, as others have mentioned, do something on my own for another few days or more the daughter (or whoever) wants time to herself after 4 days.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-19-2019, 05:53 AM
 
768 posts, read 198,166 times
Reputation: 1278
I think the situation can be viewed from a number of vantage points. My husband and I owned a vacation home and while we loved both sets of parents dearly, we could only tolerate a few days of their company when staying together. Some of it has to do with my personality, his personality and their lifestyle habits. So, I don't necessarily think her actions reflect on how she feels about you.

While I do think she should have discussed length of stay before booking your flight, perhaps she thought the timeline was at her discretion since she was hosting you at the condo. As has been stated, maybe she truly sees this as a good compromise to treating you to a vacation in Hawaii. To say something that would sound critical in anyway will only serve to cast a pall on the vacation for her and you.

If the costs are sunk, I would go as who knows when you might get another opportunity to visit Hawaii and you may later cherish the time you spent with daughter and son-in-law.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2019, 06:06 AM
 
16,988 posts, read 20,549,176 times
Reputation: 33950
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104 View Post
I think the situation can be viewed from a number of vantage points. My husband and I owned a vacation home and while we loved both sets of parents dearly, we could only tolerate a few days of their company when staying together. Some of it has to do with my personality, his personality and their lifestyle habits. So, I don't necessarily think her actions reflect on how she feels about you.

While I do think she should have discussed length of stay before booking your flight, perhaps she thought the timeline was at her discretion since she was hosting you at the condo. As has been stated, maybe she truly sees this as a good compromise to treating you to a vacation in Hawaii. To say something that would sound critical in anyway will only serve to cast a pall on the vacation for her and you.

If the costs are sunk, I would go as who knows when you might get another opportunity to visit Hawaii and you may later cherish the time you spent with daughter and son-in-law.
Your vacation home is most likely within driving distance or maybe a few hours away by plane,it isn't the same as hours of flying and having to change planes.

The OP already said a plane change was involved, so she isn't coming from the west coast of the US. Just that is a 6 hour plane ride. OP is probably looking at more like 10 to 12 hours of travel.

She will really only have 2 days in Hawaii.

Not worth it, and I would tell the daughter that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2019, 06:16 AM
Status: "ONE NATION UNDER GOD" (set 3 days ago)
 
5,062 posts, read 989,672 times
Reputation: 2789
Is there any way you could extend your stay(once the four days with daughter are done, or even before) in a different dwelling and invite a friend along for those extra days to have fun with? I don't know your life so just a suggestion.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2019, 06:46 AM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,632 posts, read 11,024,477 times
Reputation: 37644
Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
My adult daughter lives 3hrs away. See her maybe 7-10 days a year. She invited me on a trip to Hawaii. After first initial invite 2 months ago she said flight prices had doubled the next day and they were not going. Not really giving it another thought after that...I found out through a third source that they were still going to Hawaii a month later. Asked her if they were going after all and she replied yes. Well...sorta awkward. Initial invite was not discussed at that time. A week later she asked if I still wanted to go. Had a “What the heck” feeling about it but didn’t want to cause drama. Told her I was still interested in going even though there was still a feeling of awkwardness but just thought go with the flow and let initial awkwardness go. Well she wanted points with CC and asked if she could pay for my plane ticked with her CC. I said sure and promptly paid her cash to pay her back for the plane ticket. Well here’s when the second “What the heck” feeling comes in.They are staying for 11 days. A 2 bedroom condo has been rented. But she made my plane reservation for only 4 days....flying out late on the 5th day. I feel so uncomfortable and hurt with this situation. Really don’t want to even go now. Am I over reacting?

It sounds to me as if you and your daughter do not have a really close relationship. As a parent myself, I would never have a situation like this happen, my communications with my sons are clear cut and , at the end, we both know what we were talking about.


I also find it strange that she only lives 3 hours away, and yet you only see her 7-10 days a year. That speaks volumes right there, and reaffirms my suspicions that you two do not have the warmest relationship.


What I find most surprising is that, during those conversations, you did not question her on why she was doing the things she was doing. Me, I would have said "Is there a reason you are going for 11 days and I am only scheduled for 4 ?" Sounds like you are a little timid when it comes to having open, frank discussions with her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2019, 07:11 AM
 
768 posts, read 198,166 times
Reputation: 1278
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Your vacation home is most likely within driving distance or maybe a few hours away by plane,it isn't the same as hours of flying and having to change planes.

The OP already said a plane change was involved, so she isn't coming from the west coast of the US. Just that is a 6 hour plane ride. OP is probably looking at more like 10 to 12 hours of travel.

She will really only have 2 days in Hawaii.

Not worth it, and I would tell the daughter that.

I wasn't addressing the logistics factor only the length of stay with parents and the loving relationship. Under no circumstances would I have invited parents along on an extended vacation but it is what it is. Whether or not it's worth the travel logistics is another factor. We often visit my daughter, driving 6 to sometimes 7 hours one way, for an overnight visit. If the costs are sunk and it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, it may be worth it. So, to each it's own.

Last edited by Maddie104; 02-19-2019 at 07:22 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2019, 07:17 AM
 
6,173 posts, read 2,229,180 times
Reputation: 14303
I don't know...heck, your daughter invited you to go to Hawaii for 4 days. You will have 4 days of fun with your daughter. She COULD'VE gone without you, having never invited you at all, and you probably wouldn't have been as hurt.


Your daughter, that you only see a couple of times a year, invited you to Hawaii. How nice.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2019, 07:35 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
10,139 posts, read 4,736,296 times
Reputation: 21374
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon View Post
You're right: it's awkward. But I suggest you try to put the hurt behind you and go on the trip. Be a good traveling companion (no complaining, no demanding) so everyone looks back on the experience as a good one.

^^^This^^^. Maybe she wants some time along with her spouse, boyfriend, whatever. Go and have a great time.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2019, 08:12 AM
 
16,988 posts, read 20,549,176 times
Reputation: 33950
Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945 View Post
It sounds to me as if you and your daughter do not have a really close relationship. As a parent myself, I would never have a situation like this happen, my communications with my sons are clear cut and , at the end, we both know what we were talking about.


I also find it strange that she only lives 3 hours away, and yet you only see her 7-10 days a year. That speaks volumes right there, and reaffirms my suspicions that you two do not have the warmest relationship.


What I find most surprising is that, during those conversations, you did not question her on why she was doing the things she was doing. Me, I would have said "Is there a reason you are going for 11 days and I am only scheduled for 4 ?" Sounds like you are a little timid when it comes to having open, frank discussions with her.
Exactly, add in the OP found out through a 3rd party the daughter and SIL were going to Hawaii after the OP was told they had canceled the trip, now she is invited but just for 4 days.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104 View Post
I wasn't addressing the logistics factor only the length of stay with parents and the loving relationship. Under no circumstances would I have invited parents along on an extended vacation but it is what it is. Whether or not it's worth the travel logistics is another factor. We often visit my daughter, driving 6 to sometimes 7 hours one way, for an overnight visit. If the costs are sunk and it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, it may be worth it. So, to each it's own.
Driving in a car for 6 or 7 hours where you can stop if you want or need to, and getting on a plane, having to change planes, and being on the two planes for what could be 10 hours or more is lot to do for just 4 days.

The only thing that is "sunk" is the daughter's CC because she insisted on paying to get CC points.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-19-2019, 08:42 AM
 
11,939 posts, read 6,580,261 times
Reputation: 12785
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
Your vacation home is most likely within driving distance or maybe a few hours away by plane,it isn't the same as hours of flying and having to change planes.

The OP already said a plane change was involved, so she isn't coming from the west coast of the US. Just that is a 6 hour plane ride. OP is probably looking at more like 10 to 12 hours of travel.

She will really only have 2 days in Hawaii.

Not worth it, and I would tell the daughter that.
I wouldn't even have my bearings yet from the travelling and then would be time to pack up and leave... lol, no.

It's odd the daughter doesn't see this is not enough time to relax and enjoy a trip like that. OP should not have to make other plans for herself to go somewhere else, if she is not comfortable doing so.

Frankly, my mom would have my azz if I tried to pull something like that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. | Please obey Forum Rules | Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top