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Old 02-19-2019, 03:30 PM
 
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In our families, my husband and I are the ones that left our families to live in other parts of the country. We hardly see them, but that doesn't change how much we love them. I am comforted that in our case, we have siblings who have stayed to live near our parents. They have very full relationships with each other.


Our kids are very ambitious and work HARD. When they fly they are definitely going to be out of our scope of life. We are very close and I miss them already just thinking about it. They are in college now.


I feel for the OP. It may just be a series of miscommunications, but I don't think this would happen in a close and healthy relationship between mother and daughter.
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:31 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,980 posts, read 16,703,857 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
I see my daughter less than two weeks a year and have been on one other vacation with her in 10 years. Cut The Cord!? I am very independent and own my own successful business. I am not clingy or desperate.It doesn’t sit well with me that this is what life is like after your children become adults.

How many vacations did you go on with your parents as an adult? That's not common in my social circle without grandchildren involved.



This isn't just a trip with your daughter. It's a trip with her husband as well. If my partner invited his mother for an 11 day vacation, it would be a trip for the two of them while I packed his things and shipped them off to her house at home.
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:38 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charolastra00 View Post
How many vacations did you go on with your parents as an adult? That's not common in my social circle without grandchildren involved.



This isn't just a trip with your daughter. It's a trip with her husband as well. If my partner invited his mother for an 11 day vacation, it would be a trip for the two of them while I packed his things and shipped them off to her house at home.
But the point is, the daughter did invite her. Then she got flaky. As an adult you hold yourself to your word, especially to people you love.
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Old 02-19-2019, 04:35 PM
 
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I would go. You said she made the plane reservation to leave late on the 5th day. That’s a good 3.5 days there with daughter and SIL.

As an aside, my parents never took vacations with their parents. None of my friends do either. I do invite my dad along on 3 or 4 day trips—with my hubby’s prior approval— because frankly he doesn’t have much going on in life. If he had a full happy life it would never occur to me to invite him. I’m not saying you don’t have a full life. Just my perspective on adult relationships. I think most parents would be surprised at an invite.
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Old 02-19-2019, 04:48 PM
 
Location: Camberville
11,980 posts, read 16,703,857 times
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Originally Posted by tamajane View Post
But the point is, the daughter did invite her. Then she got flaky. As an adult you hold yourself to your word, especially to people you love.

Sure, I agree with that. Both mother and daughter seem to have a lot of communications issues and seem to be avoidant.


I wonder if the daughter looped in her husband before she invited her mother.


I also wonder if there wasn't miscommunication from the outset. The pair don't seem particularly close so to go from seeing each other only a few times a year when they only live a few hours apart to 11 days together seems like a huge jump.
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Old 02-19-2019, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Kaliforneea
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Well many opinions on this thread, but I have been to Hawaii at least twice so it caught my eye for that reason.

I am of the opinion 4 days in Hawaii is better than zero days in Hawaii, so I would join/buy in on a trip to Hawaii that was already happening. Indeed I may have that option this spring.

Inviting your mother-in-law VS seeing your own adult child has certain issues. My own mother would have 'limitations' in her ability to travel, and for how long 'away from home' (for example 4 days might be 'enough'), so I could see where I would offer "4 days" vs the whole 11-day package. If you feel like you are "getting ganked for the airfare", that's for you to do the math and either demand a partial refund or say that's Tertiary to the situation because they're covering your lodging food drinks car-rental (nice hotels/time shares/resorts are not cheap in Hawaii, compared to other tropical/3rd world destinations).

If it's only about the money, you are free to cancel the trip and maybe visit your adult daughter for a 3day weekend here / Stateside for 1000s less.

As many posters have recommended, get your own lodging for days 5-8 at a hotel/AirBnb and a new return flight date, your Vacation in Paradise can be everything you dream... 4 days with your daughter and 4 days with your own independant itinerary - if you can't have a good time in HAWAII, I just say ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Wow. The place is magical.


_WHEN I go_ to Hawaii, they are certain things I like/want to do, that may involve such death-defying activities as seeing active volcanos spewing hot lava, hiking 8 miles up Waimea Canyon, or snorkeling with green turtles and humuhumunukunukuapua'a fish and dodging sharks while dreaming of surfing Pipeline / North Shore, ziplining, parasailing, etc. Someone 20+ years older than me, or even my age with a bad knee from a previous ski accident, or not an Excellent Swimmer, might have no interest or ability to participate in such activities.

Please do not discount or forget, epic walks on the beach hand-in-hand with-the-one-I-love are very much on the list of things I want to do, dont want any 3rd wheels, children or parents in tow. They might have a deliberate plan to risk a misdemeanor indecent exposure charge for Sexytimes on a Black Sand Beach... because I know the girl I'm going with... probably does.
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:46 PM
 
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I feel for you OP, and unlike many here, I think your daughter did a pretty lousy thing. If the original trip was discussed as 11 days, she should have made it clear to you that the new plans had you staying for 4, and given you the chance to decide for yourself if the expense was worth it. And I would tell her so.

It's also laughable to claim that parents can't have a close relationship with their adult children while only seeing them 7-10 times a year. I work full time, my mother lives 4 hours away, and I'm lucky to see her 3-4 times a year. We do what we can, and keep in touch via phone calls.
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Old 02-19-2019, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,660 posts, read 4,365,743 times
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Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
Really interesting reading all of your thoughts and suggestions. I think of myself as a very easy going and forgiving person. Truly believe in “I am Right” mentality will only get you a negative and destructive mind set. However, I do not feel comfortable with putting out so much effort and money for such a short trip. In the past I probably would have gone. At this point I just do not have the desire to go. So I will be cancelling this trip.

On a side note. With reading many of these posts stating how lucky I was to be invited at all and take what I can get....left me with such an odd feeling. I understand the vast variables in family relationships. But after raising your kids and putting your whole heart into them...lucky to be invited at all leaves me with such a hollow feeling.
If you don’t think you’d enjoy yourself, don’t go! I encouraged you to go but didn’t consider how little time you would actually get to spend in Hawaii if traveling would take up 2 days. I live a 2-hour airplane ride from my son. this Saturday I’ll leave home at 6am, arrive at 10am (2 hours time zone diff) and get together with my son and his family for a nice lunch and a short visit to their house before they drop me back at the airport to catch my 5pm flight home. Be home in time for a late dinner. I love my adult son and his family but a few hours every few months is perfect for me!
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Old 02-19-2019, 07:03 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,631 posts, read 11,084,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by l.wilson View Post
Really interesting reading all of your thoughts and suggestions. I think of myself as a very easy going and forgiving person. Truly believe in “I am Right” mentality will only get you a negative and destructive mind set. However, I do not feel comfortable with putting out so much effort and money for such a short trip. In the past I probably would have gone. At this point I just do not have the desire to go. So I will be cancelling this trip.

On a side note. With reading many of these posts stating how lucky I was to be invited at all and take what I can get....left me with such an odd feeling. I understand the vast variables in family relationships. But after raising your kids and putting your whole heart into them...lucky to be invited at all leaves me with such a hollow feeling.

All of us on here do not know your years of history with your daughter, but, if you are asking these questions, it sounds as if what is going on here doesn't sit well with you either. Being a kinda straightforward kinda guy, I would say to my sons " Are you sure you want me to go because you are going for 11 days, but I'm only invited for a week ?"


But, we could be way off base with our suggestions too. She may simply want to see you, but also enjoy some alone time with her immediate family (if they are going too). In any event, I think to get it right out in the open is always better, that way no one is holding hard feelings that might not be justified.

Good luck either way.
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Old 02-19-2019, 07:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I feel for you OP, and unlike many here, I think your daughter did a pretty lousy thing. If the original trip was discussed as 11 days, she should have made it clear to you that the new plans had you staying for 4, and given you the chance to decide for yourself if the expense was worth it. And I would tell her so.

It's also laughable to claim that parents can't have a close relationship with their adult children while only seeing them 7-10 times a year. I work full time, my mother lives 4 hours away, and I'm lucky to see her 3-4 times a year. We do what we can, and keep in touch via phone calls.
I agree with most of this, but I think both you and your daughter made mistakes.

Most working people guard their vacation time religiously. I know I did. My husband and I always planned a two week beach vacation when we were younger and working. We sometimes invited parents either his or mine, but only for one week of the vacation. It was very important to have some time to ourselves and that was not a reflection on how much we loved or respected our parents.

We were always clear and upfront about it and both sets of parents understood. That being said, we never invited them for an amount of time that wasn't worth the travel time expended!

So, its a mystery to me why your daughter invited you for the whole original 11 days and not a surprise if she got push back or after agreement dissent from her husband. Also, I think you should have probably realized maybe you shouldn't be there for the whole 11 days and suggested that to her.

What I really don't like is your daughter making plane reservations that result in a 4 day vacay most of which is travel time without consulting you. That stinks!

Only you know your daughter and how she normally operates. But, maybe she just has herself between a rock and a hard place? I.E. her husband and her mother...……..

She knows/believes you will forgive her.....maybe not so sure about hubby. Not very mature.

I would calmly call her on all of this. If you don't want to go, just tell her it doesn't seem worth the flight for a couple days there.

I am curious how old your daughter is and how long she has been married.
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