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Old 02-20-2019, 11:10 AM
 
5,323 posts, read 5,278,214 times
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Do not marry for this purpose.

I suspect that as you get older there will be many others in your boat. Get with them and take care of one another.

Best of luck
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Old 02-20-2019, 01:25 PM
 
504 posts, read 298,363 times
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Wow! You sound like me in my earlier life. I am 60 now but have never been Asian. It seems like things haven't changed out there.

Here is how I have been doing it. Make sure you have money! It will do you very well to live in a city of a decent size. Doesn't have to be Chicago or L.A. but no small towns and no Little House on the Prairie.

You will need an available robust and reliable social infrastructure and support network. If you can pay for transportation and perhaps needed in-home care you don't need to burden friends and you won't have to be burdened by friends for years and years just in case you might need a ride some day.

Same with moving (ugh!) lawn care, snow removal etc etc etc. I do as much of what I need as much as I can, then pay for the rest.

If you are like we are (I suspect a touch of autism in myself but I am not Frasier Crane and cannot diagnose these things) we cannot rely on the kindness of strangers, which is what friends become the minute you need them. Or if you haven't been falling for their incessant pitches all the time and are not considered "productive" or "fun anymore."


Quote:
Originally Posted by player07 View Post
I am in my late 30's and have a good job. I am single and have been that way all of my life and don't think i want to change a thing.I am looking for some perspective from senior citizens on how to handle older age on your own, I am talking about 70-85 years of age. Beyond that I don't really care. I am doing alright financially so no concerns there.



Recently, I have had kidney stones, and was unable to drive my vehicle to the nearest hospital. I think i could ask help from a co-worker but didn't want to do so. I am thinking as i age these sort of things could get more common and being single I have no one to help me. I don't want to bundle up with some one just for these things but was looking for some insight from late middle age men or women.

There are times when I feel i wish i had friends to hang out with, now i make friends easily but usually I notice the people who are available to hang out whether they are male or female usually want something from me. It is either cash, or help getting a job, marry my daughter or sister, need funds to start a business or help them in immigrating to North America. Personally, I never try to get something out of them, but they always have clear motive so just avoid people in general. Say, if i want to go visit the zoo on a weekend, and i invite someone, they are usually too broke to afford the ticket so i pay for it on my own and they just tell me financially sad stories so that i pity them and help them even more. People who are the same financial level as i am seem to be all married at my age so have a real hard time with this. It doesn't help i live in a rural town.



I would describe myself as an introvert and a loner and love being alone, but very occasionally I would like to hang out with people and can't seem to find people without any motives.


I am not really much of a family person. I hated my own childhood and couldn't really wait to leave home. I would say it was toxic not the least and left a sour taste in my mouth for family life in general. Things have changed at home now, my parents are old and are more affluent now so life is more comfortable and they don't harass or beat me anymore as they lack the energy to abuse so don't mind visiting them once a year for the holidays. I am of Asian origin so not trying to be stereotypical but we tend to have higher tolerance for crap in general than people in North America.



Am i okay staying just the way I am or should i be looking to marry? It is hard to make friends at my age as everyone is married and they tend to associate with each other. Not sure if things change as we age.
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Old 02-20-2019, 01:28 PM
 
504 posts, read 298,363 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
Do you expect to have no friends when you are elderly?
Here is my take on that. Even if one has friends when they are elderly they won't be 20 or 30 or 40 yrs old. They will all be, more or less, elderly. They might be of no logistical value by then. And if you are the kind of person who does not like to ask friends for favors in your 20's and 30's you'll be less willing to do it with friends who are 65-75-80-85 yrs old
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Old 02-20-2019, 01:52 PM
 
37,975 posts, read 14,807,755 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by player07 View Post
Oh well. I have to re-iterate that making friends isn't hard, but the problem is i bump into too many needy people. It seems like every one is running a race, some trying to make all the money in the world (busy), some doing nothing(broke and always available to hang out), some spending time with family, some spending time with people who they have known for awhile, some hang out with their own ethnic group/religion/gender, etc.



For example, if i want to hang out with some one for lunch or dinner, then i can easily get some one but the problem is i would have to pay for it which i don't really want to so that is an issue.



The issue is everyone knows that i am successful but frugal, I don't have a fancy car or even a house. I rent an apartment so everybody knows that he has money in the bank so will tell some sob stories and ask for favors.
It's unfortunate that all your current acquaintances are moochers. I suggested casting wider net, perhaps that would result in some friendships you didn't have to pay for.

However, if the situation is that the only people who will hang out with you are those who expect you to pay, might as well count on hiring the help when you need it.

Good luck.
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Old 02-20-2019, 02:24 PM
 
6,111 posts, read 2,815,084 times
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call uber if needing a ride.
call 911 if that ill.

I find it quizzical that friends want something from you and you seem not okay with it, then inquire who you can rely on when you age and need help. Its called- YOUR friends. Make em, and keep em. That is the key to being a reliable person and being able to rely on others.
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Old 02-20-2019, 02:51 PM
 
130 posts, read 153,353 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
I find it quizzical that friends want something from you and you seem not okay with it, then inquire who you can rely on when you age and need help. Its called- YOUR friends. Make em, and keep em. That is the key to being a reliable person and being able to rely on others.
Oh well! It has to be two way and not one way. I learned it the hard way, if i help them out and i need something a year from now then usually I can't even find them(sound like friends to you?). Two way works if it is more immediate. Usually the suckers i meet are that way due to laziness and not due to not trying hard. They either believe in "you live only once" or are too religious (so God bought them into a dumpster of a life, it was will of God so what can I do about it), or have been told by their parents and neighbors that they are worthless and can't do anything, nothing wrong with it but it explains why they are so broke.

Most of them are the ungrateful kind, who will swallow an elephant if it is free.I don't mind helping the unfortunate, but i don't see too many of them at least where I am, they usually fall into the bucket above. Buying lunch or dinner solely for companionship feels old and expensive especially to random strangers (i think families do this all the time), but to me these things normally escalate. Today it is a meal, tomorrow they want your car, next day how about $10,000 for business. If you refuse, your a ****, then they tell me your single "what to you do with your money". I could swear i must have heard this at least two dozen times in the last 5 years. Dealt with enough of them, rather just stay to my self. Nowadays, i put my earphone in my ears when i go to a public place just so nobody annoys me.

I talked to others who are single and pretty much they all told me the same thing. They are in different cities or countries, seems like people are the same every where. People want to eat cake and when you want a slice from theirs, you can't get any. I rather just pay for help when i need it but neither am i Bill Gates.

Life kind of sucks if you are living in small town. Either you love it or hate. In the larger cities there are more diversity of people so you have better chances of finding some one your own kind.

Last edited by player07; 02-20-2019 at 03:13 PM..
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Old 02-20-2019, 03:49 PM
 
772 posts, read 182,870 times
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give yrself time to get used to being able to rely on yrself. it can be a bit 'surreal' to experience a feeling of competence if you've absorbed self-defeating, reinforced verbal
abuse from people who are supposed to be supporting your growth into an adult. friendships develop slowly and need to be a two-way understanding of respect and caring behavior (not just "nice sounding" friends--see if they actually show up for you as you would for them in less than ideal moments). marrying idea? make sure you know the person before you decide on marriage, or you will have just married for the sake of loneliness, etc. take yr time getting to know them like any other relationship situation. find yr peers--like-minded people who are willing to take responsibility for their issues and act accountably because *they* also value you in a relationship. seniors can be eager to share what they have learned, too. value yr growth, instead of expecting it to be 'automatic'.
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Old 02-20-2019, 04:52 PM
 
16,801 posts, read 14,484,200 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by player07 View Post
Oh well! It has to be two way and not one way. I learned it the hard way, if i help them out and i need something a year from now then usually I can't even find them(sound like friends to you?). Two way works if it is more immediate. Usually the suckers i meet are that way due to laziness and not due to not trying hard. They either believe in "you live only once" or are too religious (so God bought them into a dumpster of a life, it was will of God so what can I do about it), or have been told by their parents and neighbors that they are worthless and can't do anything, nothing wrong with it but it explains why they are so broke.

Most of them are the ungrateful kind, who will swallow an elephant if it is free.I don't mind helping the unfortunate, but i don't see too many of them at least where I am, they usually fall into the bucket above. Buying lunch or dinner solely for companionship feels old and expensive especially to random strangers (i think families do this all the time), but to me these things normally escalate. Today it is a meal, tomorrow they want your car, next day how about $10,000 for business. If you refuse, your a ****, then they tell me your single "what to you do with your money". I could swear i must have heard this at least two dozen times in the last 5 years. Dealt with enough of them, rather just stay to my self. Nowadays, i put my earphone in my ears when i go to a public place just so nobody annoys me.
You have terrible taste in friends!
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Old 02-21-2019, 12:55 AM
 
Location: Washington state
5,395 posts, read 2,736,238 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould View Post

Most day surgery units require someone to pick you up, receive and sign your discharge instructions, drive you home and stay with you or least be available for 24 hours. Often, they require this person also be available by phone throughout the procedure.
This is where I ran into trouble. I had to go in for angiograms using anesthesia and no one could believe I didn't have one person who could pick me up in the middle of the day and take me home. They won't let you take a taxi either.

My options included decking my car out with a mattress and sleeping over in the parking garage (even I didn't feel I should drive 70 miles back home) or just telling the nurses my friends were going to pick me up, let them wheel me to the lobby, and call for a taxi from there. I decided not to, since the nurses were super nice and I didn't want to get them in trouble. So I ended up doing the angiograms without anesthesia.

I don't have many friends at all near me and I'm a definite loner. I'm planning on going to live out in the boonies and I'm 62 right now. Honestly, though, I'm really tired of all this planning for the future when I get old. This is a horrible way to do it, but most of my planning seems to run off the rails anyway, so I'm just going to take things as they come and hope for the best. Things will work out or they won't. I think the big problem is people think they can control everything and that's not always the case. Sometimes it's better to do what you can and accept what you can't.
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:19 AM
 
504 posts, read 298,363 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rodentraiser View Post
This is where I ran into trouble. I had to go in for angiograms using anesthesia and no one could believe I didn't have one person who could pick me up in the middle of the day and take me home. They won't let you take a taxi either.

That happened to me too. In my case you'd have thought I was the first and only person in the world who was in this situation. I can't believe that there are NO OTHER people with nobody close enough geographically or relationship-wise, that can just drop everything and play ambulance and nurse.. Surely there must be lots of older people who are widowed and whose children live all over the country and cannot vacate their other responsibilities. Apparently I am one of maybe half a dozen people in the USA who has no one else I can dump on for medical reasons.
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