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Old 02-25-2019, 11:09 AM
 
20 posts, read 4,586 times
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Longterm lurker, finally joined. First post.

This has been on my mind for a long time and I need to just get it off my chest.

Going on 5 years ago, I lost my bestest friend in the world. Lost as in, she met another friend, lost interest in me and stopped speaking to me. I accepted it, moved on and plunged myself head first into any and all social gatherings I could to A) grieve that loss and B) hopefully make a new BFF or other strong close female friendships. 5 years later, none of that has happened like I hoped.

I've met tons of acquaintances and hosted dozens of events either on Meetup or through Facebook groups and while I've met lots of cool people, I haven't made much of a connection with any. Through this, the one thing I have come to notice (and which makes me incredibly sad) is that everyone I've met seems to already have a best friend or "bestie" in place and I once I hear of this, I immediately feel myself on the low side of their friend hierarchy and it sucks. It also seems like when someone already has that bestie, there is a firm limit to how close they will allow you, how much communication they will give you and how much they will allow you into their life.

So while I try to be open, fun, inclusive and take personal interest in the new acquaintances I meet, no one seems to take the same interest back and I stay on the lower end of their circle, being the last to know about new developments in their lives, or completely excluded from things (like trips, new baby news, parties, secrets, etc.) This is the first time in well over 10 years where I didn't have a best friend so I never knew how exclusionary and lonesome it would be.

And of course, since my loss, I am very sensitive to this so of course seems like on a daily basis on social media, I see someone shouting out their bestie or "ride or die" or 20+ year friendship. And it freaking hurts.

There is currently no one socially that gets excited to see me, calls me first with news or really wants to be around me.

Can anyone relate to this?
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Old 02-25-2019, 01:05 PM
 
1,143 posts, read 333,315 times
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I can only say you don't have to be the number one best friend. Second or third place is not a bad position to be in. I have four best friends. I am not sure which one would be my BFF; probably my friend since high school as I've known her the longest. I see the other three more often. I have no idea if I Am Number 1 2 3, etc in order of their best friends.

In your search for friends you might want to seek out people new to your area. Perhaps you can become their new best friend, or at least number two or three on the list. I think even when people move some distance from their best friend they still consider that person their best friend for a long time. It's okay if the person you consider your best friend only considers you their second or third best friend.
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Old 02-25-2019, 01:24 PM
 
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Sorry, I can't say that I relate. But I generally have a different view of "BFFs" ... I don't think anyone is limited to one. I have three, and they all have other "besties". It's never been a problem for any of us AFAIK.
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Old 02-25-2019, 01:44 PM
 
20 posts, read 4,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by E-Twist View Post
I can only say you don't have to be the number one best friend. Second or third place is not a bad position to be in. I have four best friends. I am not sure which one would be my BFF; probably my friend since high school as I've known her the longest. I see the other three more often. I have no idea if I Am Number 1 2 3, etc in order of their best friends.

In your search for friends you might want to seek out people new to your area. Perhaps you can become their new best friend, or at least number two or three on the list. I think even when people move some distance from their best friend they still consider that person their best friend for a long time. It's okay if the person you consider your best friend only considers you their second or third best friend.
I'd be happy to be any numbered BFF! I just crave a close connection with a girlfriend again.

And when I first started meeting new friends and hearing about their BFF, it didn't bother me too much. But then I'd hear more and more and began to feel like the 3rd wheel or the less-than friend quickly. Also hanging out with people who are BFFs, I'm usually the one not in the group selfie pics, on the outside of inside jokes and just generally out of their inner conversations.

But yeah the idea to seek out newbies to the area is a good one.
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Old 02-25-2019, 01:48 PM
 
20 posts, read 4,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire View Post
Sorry, I can't say that I relate. But I generally have a different view of "BFFs" ... I don't think anyone is limited to one. I have three, and they all have other "besties". It's never been a problem for any of us AFAIK.
I wish I couldn't relate.

I am good friends with 2 besties and I hang with them often but its clear when I am around then that they are besties and I am not! We've all known each other over 10 years.

Wish people would be more open--minded.
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Old 02-25-2019, 02:11 PM
 
Location: on the wind
6,806 posts, read 2,771,359 times
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IMHO you are pinning unrealistic hopes on having ONE BFF. That is a pretty big responsibility for anyone. I think when we are younger, our world is less sophisticated and closer to home...we simply know fewer people outside family or a childhood buddy.

As we get older our world expands, our interests get more complex, and we move in more circles; work, family, school, social life. What we need in a close friend is bound to change. It is easy to forget that this same world is expanding for everyone else in your age group too. Having that single BFF just isn't as likely.

I also think we need to let things go. Miss them, sure, remember them fondly, but let them go. If you don't move on from the past you'll be stuck there. Eventually there's no one else around at all.
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Old 02-25-2019, 02:33 PM
 
9,638 posts, read 4,895,696 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Juicy Ajenku View Post
I am good friends with 2 besties and I hang with them often but its clear when I am around then that they are besties and I am not! We've all known each other over 10 years.

Wish people would be more open--minded.
You're turning friendships into a competition in your mind. You can be friends with someone without comparing your friendship to their other friendships.
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Old 02-25-2019, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,567 posts, read 14,180,052 times
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I think good relationships are formed when you and others go through a campaign, or other team effort together. If you have a cause you want to volunteer for, you might do that, instead of doing meetups. This is just a thought.

I have not had a true best friend in many years. But I have been blessed to have a few good friends. I think if you work on your jealousy of others’ relationships, you will be happier. None of us gets everything we want in this life. If you have long term friends, I think you are lucky.
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Old 02-25-2019, 04:09 PM
 
20 posts, read 4,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire View Post
You're turning friendships into a competition in your mind. You can be friends with someone without comparing your friendship to their other friendships.
I don't think its a competition. I just look at what they have and I want that too. If someone needs to vent or a pick me up or finds out she's pregnant or is planning a trip or wants to see a movie, I want to be the first person they call.

Instead of the last. Or not called at all.

Its kinda like being the single on hanging out with a couple. You naturally feel like the 3rd wheel.
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Old 02-25-2019, 04:13 PM
 
20 posts, read 4,586 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
IMHO you are pinning unrealistic hopes on having ONE BFF. That is a pretty big responsibility for anyone. I think when we are younger, our world is less sophisticated and closer to home...we simply know fewer people outside family or a childhood buddy.
I think you could be right. I was used to having that one friend that I felt got me on all levels. We had everything in common and it just felt like a great connection. I want that again. But it seems that kind of connection is usually made while younger and life is simply.

Just makes me sad to think, I may never find it again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
I also think we need to let things go. Miss them, sure, remember them fondly, but let them go. If you don't move on from the past you'll be stuck there. Eventually there's no one else around at all.
Yeah, I am working on letting go of the past. I had no idea I'd feel this way as I got older.

Its just hard when you know exactly what you're missing.
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