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This is a long read.
So I have been toying with the idea of completely cutting a friend I've had for over 10 years out of my life.
As I've gotten older, I've grown emotionally, learned things about myself and found value in some core values of mine - as everyone does. A few times she and I have gone on a "break" where we don't talk to each other for 6 months or so to due to either some tension or someone getting busy with life (boyfriend, school, etc.), then we get back together again and usually keep things afloat. I don't think taking a break is an option now because time won't fix what's wrong, and I'll just be dreading dealing with her again the closer I get to the 6th month.
There are a few things that I enjoy about her, but when I think about what those things are, it's not really that great or mature. I haven't had any good (healthy) friends in my life, so I have no reference on what healthy friendships look like. Since she and I have been friends for so long, the boundaries are horrible between us and only now am I really seeing the problem with that.
A huge thing that I have a problem with is the fact that I have to tip toe and steer conversations because her ideologies are very different from my own. She has a tendency of getting too comfortable when talking then automatically forgets my stance on things and start throwing her views around as if I believe them too.
I've told her multiple times that I don't want to talk about politics or religion with her because we don't see things the same way and it always turns into an argument, but she gets upset saying that she wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was identical to her because that'd be boring and that she feels uncomfortable having to restrain herself "just because of politics". I know she has strong beliefs and I honestly get seriously offended and fired up when she makes some snappy remark about it - it's enough for me to not want to be her friend.
She's incredibly naive and I have a bad tendency to get mad and short with her when I feel like she's letting other people take advantage of her, especially a guy. She is practically a doormat and I've tried to look at it objectively as it's not my problem but I do care about her and it's hard to be very sympathetic when someone gets hurt after you told them they'd get hurt. And then she constantly deludes herself into thinking things weren't as they actually were. "He did actually love me even though he **couldn't** really show it." is her catchphrase when it comes to this.
I feel selfish for wanting a friend that doesn't get taken advantage of. When I brought up the issue and told her I was thinking that we shouldn't be friends, she got upset and said she really values me as a friend. I know she 100% means well, but I don't think she'll ever change her actions. I feel sooo guilty for not wanting this. I kinda automatically look down on her because I think she's naive and ridiculous, and I don't want a friend like that. I feel like I always pity her or wish that she had better social skills so she wouldn't cling so hard to me. Maybe my expectations are too high? I'm very far from perfect and she's put up with a lot of crap from me... I just have a hard time validating my feelings because I automatically think I'm being too emotional about this or I don't have enough boundaries with her to see things objectively.
Anyway, if you've read this thank you. I'm sure I answered my own question a few times in this post but I want other peoples' opinions.
Focus on yourself - take good care of yourself - maybe you can make new friends who you have more in common with . . .
You can't change her and she can't change you - if you *love* her, just focus on her good points, and do things together that you enjoy.
If she won't respect your boundaries about politics or religion and you want to maintain the friendship, give her a warning - tell her, under no circumstances, are you good with talking religion or politics because it upsets you - it doesn't matter what she wants - this is what you want. If she argues with you, then tell her your friendship is not a good fit anymore - or just disappear. If she agrees to abide by this boundary, then enjoy what you can with her.
It will be a lot less frustrating for you if you can be a friend without feeling like you need to control the outcome of what she does... We don't need to be so closely tied with friends as we would be with a mate, or a family member.
There was a line in "A River Runs Through It" that I really like. I think it applies well to friendships, where it's perhaps not our job to change the outcome of their choices or agree with their decisions, we can just care about the part of their life they do share with us.
“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.”
No, you not being unreasonable, maybe a bit naive. This friend is being immature, particularly with the crack about being bored by agreement. I suspect we all have friendships that come with sidebars; topics and opinions we have learned we can't cross without damage. Every person is entitled to their views, their passions, their prejudices, their blind spots. If we didn't have them we'd probably be sainted.
The key to surviving is being willing to learn where the sidebars are and respecting them. However, not everyone is very skilled at figuring out what they are, or sticking to them once they do know. I have a very long term dear friend who has made it clear that she doesn't appreciate or enjoy certain topics. Most of the time I catch myself before wading in to one of them, but sometimes I slip. And, vice versa for her. Because we care about each other we forgive. It's only fair, and necessary to keep the friendship with a person you really care about.
This friend has let you know what SHE wants, now its past time for you to do the same for her. How she handles that will tell you a lot about how much she values you.
You may decide her "terms" are unacceptable. If that's the case, I'd suggest that you don't have to have some formal (and rather dramatic) break up. You can ease out of a friendship just as you probably eased into it. You just find yourself less and less "available" when she wants to go off on one of her diatribes. You become less and less of an audience for her pronouncements. Over time she will realize you are not a soundingboard any longer and may find others who entertain her more.
Last edited by Parnassia; 01-27-2019 at 11:27 PM..
This is a long read.
So I have been toying with the idea of completely cutting a friend I've had for over 10 years out of my life.
As I've gotten older, I've grown emotionally, learned things about myself and found value in some core values of mine - as everyone does. A few times she and I have gone on a "break" where we don't talk to each other for 6 months or so to due to either some tension or someone getting busy with life (boyfriend, school, etc.), then we get back together again and usually keep things afloat. I don't think taking a break is an option now because time won't fix what's wrong, and I'll just be dreading dealing with her again the closer I get to the 6th month.
There are a few things that I enjoy about her, but when I think about what those things are, it's not really that great or mature. I haven't had any good (healthy) friends in my life, so I have no reference on what healthy friendships look like. Since she and I have been friends for so long, the boundaries are horrible between us and only now am I really seeing the problem with that.
(snip irrelevant)
The above is enough ammunition to put that person on-ice again, and throw away the key this time. Just get rid of the contact info, block the number prior, and you'll be done with it. She probably won't turn up again unless she's a semi-stalker weirdo.
If she does, say the following, to her face: "People change!" I cannot think of a more concise summary.
I've done this various times in life, with few if-any regrets. I change over time, so do they, if we're no longer compatible it's time to move on. No drama necessary, period.
Hey all, sorry for the late reply. Thank you to everyone that responded.
I've done some thinking and I suspect that this friend might have ASD (autism spectrum disorder). I have read some things about it that sound 100% identical to what she does...
Anyway, ASD or not, I still feel that she is a toxic individual and I've had years of consistently reminding her that she's crossing lines. Nothing changes. At this point, it's pretty safe to say the friendship has more than run its course.
Now all I'm contemplating is whether to cut her off 100% or to keep her at a distance and let things die off organically.
Hey all, sorry for the late reply. Thank you to everyone that responded.
I've done some thinking and I suspect that this friend might have ASD (autism spectrum disorder). I have read some things about it that sound 100% identical to what she does...
Anyway, ASD or not, I still feel that she is a toxic individual and I've had years of consistently reminding her that she's crossing lines. Nothing changes. At this point, it's pretty safe to say the friendship has more than run its course.
Now all I'm contemplating is whether to cut her off 100% or to keep her at a distance and let things die off organically.
IMHO you always have the option to let things drop off on their own. Less stress and drama for both of you. Once she learns that you are simply not available and no longer provide her with anything she wants she'll drift away elsewhere. Its normal to have a wish to pay back some of what she dished out, but what good will that really do if she doesn't "get" it?
IMHO you always have the option to let things drop off on their own. Less stress and drama for both of you. Once she learns that you are simply not available and no longer provide her with anything she wants she'll drift away elsewhere. Its normal to have a wish to pay back some of what she dished out, but what good will that really do if she doesn't "get" it?
I'll try that out, letting it die off on its own. I have a lot of projects going on that'll keep me 100% occupied so I won't have as much time to focus on her anyway. Plus doing that will help me practice and strengthen my own boundaries instead of reflex-blocking like I always do.
She's definitely the type that won't get it - or accept it, rather. From what she says about her other ex-friends who have complained about the exact same things and ditched her, she always somehow manages to delude herself into thinking that they "just misunderstood" her. Maybe from her pov that is true, but she never considers that maybe the complaints are valid. After all, they are reacting from something...
Feels like I'm in the Twilight Zone when I talk to her and things like that come up.
Slightly off topic but recently (as in last week) I had to tell her that I don't appreciate her telling her other friend my (very very very) personal business and clearly not defending me when her friend had some "remarks" about me. The next day, she calls me up and during some conversation she tells me that she's a nice person and chooses not to gossip because [insert long, unrelated story about how telling someone's personal business got her in trouble with someone 10 years ago back in high school ]... But we just had that talk yesterday.. So once again she deludes herself into thinking things were somehow different. She's done this as long as I've known her.
I'm certain there's something wrong with her; that's why I've justified holding onto the friendship because I feel kinda sorry for her I guess. Even now, I'm kinda mad thinking about all of this but I also feel guilty feeling that way because what if she really can't help it.
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]... But we just had that talk yesterday.. So once again she deludes herself into thinking things were somehow different. She's done this as long as I've known her. 
