U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 03-03-2019, 08:43 AM
 
171 posts, read 67,799 times
Reputation: 97

Advertisements

I have been kind of quiet and socially awkward for maybe 7-8 years or so, and I rarely spend time with anyone at all except my family members (and occasionally a handful of old friends), so I tend to be really quiet and unwilling to start conversations with people at my university.
However, I did use to be extremely talkative and spontaneous during my childhood and teenage years and hang out with friends all the time without a problem.
And I have also noticed that I can spontaneously start enjoying conversations and small talk a lot if I don't struggle too much with thinking of conversation topics (I am not even intimidated by hot girls, I have never thought of them as "out of my league" or put them on a pedestal or anything like that, no matter how hot they are), and this seems to sometimes surprise people who have assumed that I am always quiet.
It doesn't always work, but basically if I feel reasonably relaxed and end up in a situation where small talk is expected, then I can completely change and become very talkative and social all of a sudden.

Is this something that I just "have within me" thanks to the fact that I used to be like that a lot when I grew up?
Or how does this work?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-03-2019, 09:16 AM
 
Location: Norfolk, VA
6,372 posts, read 5,996,908 times
Reputation: 3557
Quote:
Originally Posted by Markus86 View Post
I have been kind of quiet and socially awkward for maybe 7-8 years or so, and I rarely spend time with anyone at all except my family members (and occasionally a handful of old friends), so I tend to be really quiet and unwilling to start conversations with people at my university.
However, I did use to be extremely talkative and spontaneous during my childhood and teenage years and hang out with friends all the time without a problem.
And I have also noticed that I can spontaneously start enjoying conversations and small talk a lot if I don't struggle too much with thinking of conversation topics (I am not even intimidated by hot girls, I have never thought of them as "out of my league" or put them on a pedestal or anything like that, no matter how hot they are), and this seems to sometimes surprise people who have assumed that I am always quiet.
It doesn't always work, but basically if I feel reasonably relaxed and end up in a situation where small talk is expected, then I can completely change and become very talkative and social all of a sudden.

Is this something that I just "have within me" thanks to the fact that I used to be like that a lot when I grew up?
Or how does this work?
Despite your anxieties, the mind is still busy at work trying to cope with the situation. This is why I'll think of several different things to say, but I may never say them, depending on how the conversation goes. People may be amazed that I had anything to say at all, because I'm quiet.

The thing about hot girls I can relate. It is more about having something to say, than it is about anything else. So if the girl doesn't have much to say I don't either but if she does I can take that and run with it. That part does not matter as much as it used to, because I'm married and I don't notice women like I used to, but it was never, intimidation as to what the right thing to say would be as much as it was just having anything to say. If she does not have anything to say back, then I move on. Unequal effort and conversation that is not reciprocated gives the wrong impression, and makes girls think you want them when in actuality you don't even know if she is worth your time yet.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-03-2019, 09:23 AM
 
16,797 posts, read 14,533,786 times
Reputation: 37896
Quote:
Originally Posted by Markus86 View Post
And I have also noticed that I can spontaneously start enjoying conversations and small talk a lot if I don't struggle too much with thinking of conversation topics (I am not even intimidated by hot girls, I have never thought of them as "out of my league" or put them on a pedestal or anything like that, no matter how hot they are), and this seems to sometimes surprise people who have assumed that I am always quiet.
If you can summon your social skills when needed and appropriate, what are you worried about? Do you enjoy overthinking and second-guessing yourself?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-03-2019, 10:12 AM
 
171 posts, read 67,799 times
Reputation: 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post
If you can summon your social skills when needed and appropriate, what are you worried about? Do you enjoy overthinking and second-guessing yourself?
I am not worried about anything, I am just curious about how this stuff works.
I feel like parts of your old much more social personality might lay dormant inside you and then become much more likely to appear even after you have become more of an unsocial and quiet person, as opposed to someone who has always been unsocial and quiet.
Or does your old personality have no direct effect on your new personality?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-03-2019, 11:16 PM
 
Location: Scrapple country
1,547 posts, read 1,278,653 times
Reputation: 4582
It all overlaps, Markus. Your "old personality" and your "new personality". It's not like you suddenly stopped being one person and became another. It overlaps. Maybe parts of your personality that were dominant in the past rise to the surface in certain situations. Consider yourself lucky - you can propel yourself forward in social situations using dormant social skills. Just go with it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-04-2019, 06:11 AM
 
5,452 posts, read 2,294,635 times
Reputation: 16438
No. It's a learned skill, cultivated carefully.



The first and most important thing to know in order to be a good conversationalist? Be more interested in talking about the other person than yourself. Take this one simple principle to heart and people will think you're the best conversationalist on earth.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2019, 02:11 PM
 
797 posts, read 190,857 times
Reputation: 578
i can only speak for myself--very spontaneous and lively, and then "whoops, someone isn't in the mood for this" and learned to be more self-conscious. i say self-conscious because it wasn't really necessary, just someone who didn't like to see someone feeling happy; the reasonable thing to do would be to find someone else with a similar personality.

that can be a blessing, too. you don't need to twist yr natural personality into a "pretzel" every time someone doesn't respect it for its own sake, and find yr soulmate instead.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top