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So a friend I have known for 18 years....just did not invite me to her wedding. We were friends in college, after college, and have staryed in touch since. This is not a situation where we haven’t talked. We talked very regularly, and although we haven’t been able to travel to see each other for several year due to distance,we have continued communication. Personal, non superficial communication. We would offen discuss dating, etc and as recently as six months ago she called me for personal reasons that she was very upset about.
My point is, we stayed in touch and had real communication, for many years.
She texted me today and asked me not to be offended because the wedding was “small, local, and under control.” I do know some other college friends will be there.
What does that even mean? “Small, local, and under control?”
I was hurt especially as she was a bridesmaid for me with my ex-H and we would offen talk about how we looked forward to marriage, settling down, and would often wncourage each other in our single days.
I just said I understamd because I didn’t know what to say—I do know there are financial constraints, but, it still was hurtful.
Has this happened to anyone else? Also, am I expected to send a gift? Because honestly, I am thinking this friendship was clearly more important to mw than her, and I am mot really sure I really feel like sending anything other than a nice card.
Last edited by Inacitysomewhere; 03-13-2019 at 03:10 PM..
I am sorry. The only consolation I can offer is the possibility that someone else didn't want you there. That happened to me. An old friend -- a guy, actually -- kept in touch with me after high school and subsequently college to the extent that we spoke monthly. He told me when his wedding date would be. So when he called and I said jokingly, "Hey, where's my invitation?" he told me his intended had said he couldn't invite me. And then I knew he had represented our friendship to her as much more than it really was and surprise, surprise, she saw me as a threat.
Quote:
She texted me today and asked me not to be offended because the wedding was “small, local, and under control.” I do know some other college friends will be there.
What does that even mean? “Small, local, and under control?”
She's afraid you'll make a fuss about being nastily excluded. Couldn't even pick up the phone.
She's not the person you thought she was, apparently. Again, my sympathies.
I do not agree with texting but at least she did not have a wedding you did not know about.
Under control could be under the control of others. Small probably means just that and could be due to family or really budget (as you yourself has speculated). Local could mean only locals invited since the whole thing will be small and short and she does not want people to spend money on travel.
Most likely the family itself has pushed the limits of attendees and she got in a few friends. Not everyone can afford to invite everyone they know even know well.
So are you going to fuss and worry about where you are in the hierarchy of "friends" or are you genuinely going to wish her well and continue the phone conversations?
Just guessing there is fear of some incompatibility between you and other family members or members of his family? Religious, political, personality types, drinking habits, sports teams? I have lots of friends who aren't compatible with other friends... and it doesn't always work to mix them, particularly in a small group. Or she's having a wedding that literally has just the couple and the witnesses and immediate family... less than a dozen people, and it doesn't make sense for you to travel there.
It's interesting because people post here are mad when they are invited to a wedding which they call "gift grab". But when people are not invited, they are offended about that too.
Some people have very small weddings and just invite a few people. They are under no obligation to finance a large wedding or invite everyone they are friends with. She did not exclude you without giving a reason. She explained it to you, so you know exactly why. You have not been treated poorly in this matter and should just let it go.
I am sorry. The only consolation I can offer is the possibility that someone else didn't want you there. That happened to me. An old friend -- a guy, actually -- kept in touch with me after high school and subsequently college to the extent that we spoke monthly. He told me when his wedding date would be. So when he called and I said jokingly, "Hey, where's my invitation?" he told me his intended had said he couldn't invite me. And then I knew he had represented our friendship to her as much more than it really was and surprise, surprise, she saw me as a threat.
She's afraid you'll make a fuss about being nastily excluded. Couldn't even pick up the phone.
She's not the person you thought she was, apparently. Again, my sympathies.
Thanks for the thoughts.
There is a LOT of drama because her parents don’t like the guy, but, I have never met him. I don’t think she should marry him, as it was a whirlwimd romance and there are some red flags, but, I have never told her that as I didn’t want to lose her friendship and I knew it would just drive her away. I was not offended immeadiately, as I assumed it was money, but she then told me that a different college friend is coming (one who is “the one coming from farthest away.”)
As if I am supposed to believe she is excluding guests based on where they live? Come on now.
There isn’t anyone who would’t want me there on her side and he has never met me. It is coming from her for whatever reason.
Her family won’t even be there. They have already told her they won’t attend because they think she is making a mistake.
It's interesting because people post here are mad when they are invited to a wedding which they call "gift grab". But when people are not invited, they are offended about that too.
Some people have very small weddings and just invite a few people. They are under no obligation to finance a large wedding or invite everyone they are friends with.
Haha. Ugh. I wish I wasn't invited to weddings. I have two more to go and I think it will be GAP before I get invited to any more of them. I hope so.
I do not agree with texting but at least she did not have a wedding you did not know about.
Under control could be under the control of others. Small probably means just that and could be due to family or really budget (as you yourself has speculated). Local could mean only locals invited since the whole thing will be small and short and she does not want people to spend money on travel.
Most likely the family itself has pushed the limits of attendees and she got in a few friends. Not everyone can afford to invite everyone they know even know well.
So are you going to fuss and worry about where you are in the hierarchy of "friends" or are you genuinely going to wish her well and continue the phone conversations?
Sure we can talk. But honestly she can take the initiative if she wants to call. The message is quite clear.
Isn’t it up to me if I want to spend time and money to attend? It is not a destination weddimg and it is not even requiring a plane ticket.
Her family won’t be in attendance. That is not the issue.
It's interesting because people post here are mad when they are invited to a wedding which they call "gift grab". But when people are not invited, they are offended about that too.
Some people have very small weddings and just invite a few people. They are under no obligation to finance a large wedding or invite everyone they are friends with. She did not exclude you without giving a reason. She explained it to you, so you know exactly why. You have not been treated poorly in this matter and should just let it go.
Actually I am totally unclear on the “explanation.”
She is inviting other college friends that were part of our friend circle. It is a clear exclusion.
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