U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-16-2019, 08:28 AM
 
791 posts, read 324,800 times
Reputation: 2410

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG View Post
Ugh. Well, try to remember this little universal power phrase in the future, "Oh sorry, that doesn't work for me."

No reasons needed. You can continue with what you need them to do, like move out by Sunday.
Yes. It's not as if they'll be homeless without the casita. What would they have done if they'd "broken down" somewhere else, not around family? Whatever they would have done (live in it, broken down) without you is what they CAN do now.

It's just not so palatable a conversation. lol
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-16-2019, 09:15 AM
 
791 posts, read 324,800 times
Reputation: 2410
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Can’t wat to hear what happens when you get back from trip! Wow. Some people really have no clue.

My sister is very similar. She came out east for vacation and asked if she could stay with us. I told her of course, just let me know when you’re going to be here. She told me around the time she was going to come, but never firm dates. Just showed up at my house one day, never told me when she was going to leave, and then decided to go to my uncles house and did the same thing to him!

So apparently, it sounds like there are people in this world that are absolutely clueless!!
My sister in law (with her family) do things like that. Or rather, did. She is the queen of making plans and either never finishing them or ditching them without notice.

She once mentioned at Easter, how they should all come for Thanksgiving. I told her GREAT, that sounds fine. I didn't hear from her once until the Tuesday before Thanksgiving at 4pm, that they were making good time on the road and would be here in 2 hours. ??!!! I was too shocked to say anything but OKAYYYY. Doubling the household to 4 adults and 6 children. Two adults and 3 children who live like hoarders and never clean. She arrived and said they were staying until Friday, then decided on Friday that they'll stay until Monday. Because "it's so great here!"

She also has had us block out certain long weekends so they can stay here on the way to somewhere else. Months in advance, with me confirming it every few weeks. And then, an hour after not showing up, I'd call and ask if they were broken down. "No- a few days ago, Husband found a good deal so we actually decided to just stay at a hotel in that town so we wouldn't have to drive very far every day. We'll catch you guys on the way back! We can stop by for lunch on our drive back!" LIKE HE!L, you will. I've cleaned, moved around my kids, told them that they can have no weekend plans with their friends, done the same for mine, MY family arranged to host us for lunch and riding, etc. "Sorry, we have other plans that afternoon. Have a safe drive back!" My mother and siblings and their families are all done with my in laws.

I nail her butt to the wall now and message her every day for the week beforehand. They don't get the hostess Me, even then. I make our regular plans as usual. Sometimes we're here and sometimes we have things to do. They sleep on air mattresses in the living room and we're early risers who watch the morning news and make no changes to our habits. Funnily enough, they almost always stay in a hotel now. It's GREAT. (I still accommodate others like a B&B hostess, just not them.)

I also have made it clear to EVERYONE that I am a hostess for 72 hours. After that, the hostess in me shuts down. Because of her, I know this- it's who I am. At 72 hours and 1 second, they're part of the household now... which means I don't care what anyone wants for any meal, if we're out of anything, if their clothes or towels are dirty, that they need to clean up after themselves, and my plan for the day is NOTHING. I'm going to watch British murder shows, drink wine, and go out with friends if they want to do something. The kitchen and laundry room are where they always are, they can google how to use things or where stores are, and if they want to avoid this, I suggest they leave no later than 72 hours after they arrive... to the second. Because after that, the Met household is no longer a charming B&B with an accommodating hostess and resident chef. Those friends and family who stay longer find no problem with this... it's part of being a conscientious human being. They do it always, as a default, from the moment they arrive. They don't make me feel like a maid in my own house. If I'm washing dishes, they stay in the kitchen, chat, and dry/put away things. They drop their own laundry into the washer. My in laws, at first, would push this... "Well, if we're too much a burden, I guess we'll leave..." Okay. Well, have a safe drive home!

Sorry, I guess I needed a rant. SIL has said she MIGHT stop here to sleep tomorrow night (admitting that it's MIGHT is a great improvement) and I'm bristling already, with what boundaries she'll attempt to shatter in new and even more innovative ways. Tell us she's coming at 11pm but arrive at 6pm? (I have literally made plans to have a game night with neighbor friends *so that* she'd find herself locked out.) Tell us she's coming at 6pm (so I'll need to double dinner and seating) but arrive at 1pm? (Taking the kids and their friends ice skating then so they'll be locked out.) Have us waiting up to let them in before we go to bed because she just couldn't tear herself away until late and won't answer her phone? Do I just lock them out, when it's cold and in the middle of the night? I might call at 11:30pm, get no answer, and say I assumed she'd decided not to stop. We shall see!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2019, 09:27 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,389 posts, read 4,548,757 times
Reputation: 27023
^Oh. My. [Censored] Word.

I canít even speak, Iím shaking my head so hard and laughing.

Get it out. Get it allll out... Youíll feel so much better!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2019, 09:43 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
77,923 posts, read 69,884,727 times
Reputation: 75699
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Well ... it was quite direct and impersonal. You will be talked about at future family gatherings.

Since they are in a separate building, they probably didn't think they were that much of an imposition. But obviously they have worn out a welcome they never even had.

Let us know what's up Monday.
I think if they'd made an effort to be helpful and less presumptuous, the OP may have felt differently about them. They behaved as though they were taking the OP for granted. No "we're really sorry about this unexpected visit", no bag of groceries gifted, to show appreciation, not even a gesture of flowers (didn't these people ever hear of gibing a "hostess gift", at minimum?), or taking their hosts out to dinner. No acknowledgement of gratitude at all, unless I missed it in the story.

And the OP says, their side of the family hasn't communicated with them in 3 years? But their adult kids wash up on her beach? And she's the bad guy in this equation? I think the OP isn't going to shed any tears, about being left out of their family circle. Her husband's probably felt relieved the last few years.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2019, 10:08 AM
 
1,669 posts, read 551,841 times
Reputation: 2629
Quote:
Originally Posted by VTsnowbird View Post
Good on you for having a spine, Fluffy!! I eagerly await the news when you return!! I didn't think your note was harsh at all. A bit blunt, but considering the way they have acted, entirely appropriate.



I have some (DH side) relatives that would do something similar, except they WOULD spend time with us. ALL THEIR TIME. It was wearying. Very obvious they were trying to save on hotel costs. I have permanently dodged them now by moving to an apt. without an accessible (to them) guest room.


I imagine you will have to do a deep clean on the casita after the pet stay. Hope you bill them for it.
That's good to add about all the clean up. I feel like this gives good (or at least more) impetus without feeling guilty (or at least not too bad) about it to put them on a list. If they ask again, you can nicely and calmly say...'well,you know, it didn't work out last time. You'd be happier going another direction' .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2019, 10:11 AM
 
1,669 posts, read 551,841 times
Reputation: 2629
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
^Oh. My. [Censored] Word.

I canít even speak, Iím shaking my head so hard and laughing.

Get it out. Get it allll out... Youíll feel so much better!
Did you ever find out if there really ever was an rv or whatever the vehicle that supposedly broke down?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2019, 10:13 AM
 
791 posts, read 324,800 times
Reputation: 2410
Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
^Oh. My. [Censored] Word.

I can’t even speak, I’m shaking my head so hard and laughing.

Get it out. Get it allll out... You’ll feel so much better!
It's freaking TERRIBLE. I have pretty good boundaries but my in laws test my skills with every interaction. Every.single.one.

There was that time that she said our dog was so great and it was a pity we didn't live closer so our one dog and her SEVEN dogs could be friends. "Yeah- too bad." She then said she'd bring them the next time...

Now, keep in mind that she had one black lab/greyhound mix who couldn't be left alone without shredding/chewing on everything. One old-lady mini-dach with its rear legs on wheels... a vicious, angry little B who was blind, always had diarrhea so she wore a diaper, and bit everyone because she was 25 years old and angry about being alive! (From their TEEN years, this dog.) And four mini-dachs with their mama. All such outrageous barkers whenever anyone moves that they were BANNED by the village from bringing a single dog to their summer cottage on the shore. Those things set off the entire community with their constant yapping. All of their dogs are also, apparently, allergic to all kinds of things. Allergic, have asthma, need special food, etc. Their kids are allergic to pets... the kids are on meds to tolerate the pets. It's a freak show for the benefit of dogs they have raised to be the worst animals ever.

I stopped her mid-sentence. "NO."

Why not?

"Your dogs are awful with the barking. We just can't do barking. Our dog doesn't bark unless someone walks into our house without someone here. She's okay with other dogs OUTSIDE on our property but she's possessive. This is her house. So unless you plan to keep your dogs in the van during the entirety of your stay, don't bring them."

Well, then your dog needs to learn to be more social.

"No. She doesn't. This is her house and she's the only dog in it. I'm not going to make her accept a situation WE, as humans, can't even handle. The barking and biting are WAY too much. This is a one-dog house."

*****
Honestly, I think she's been trying to punish us ever since, although she has always been scatter-brained and selfish. It was THAT summer following that they were banned from the shore house. The barking really is horrific, even for dog lovers. There were noise complaints to the local police even from brief visitors to the public beach. INCESSANT barking.

Mother-in-law has two mini-dachs. From this exchange, she learned that she may not bring her 18 year-old dogs to our house either... even if she hasn't visited "for a whole year because she can't find anyone to watch the dogs." Soooo unfortunate. Funny, it doesn't feel like a year... the madness of her 36-hour visit in the summer of 2017 and her 18-hour visit in the winter of early 2018 make it feel very recent.

It makes me understand why my husband happened to not visit his family for almost 20 years. He didn't cut them out... he just didn't make any effort. He simply escaped to college and never came back. The phone calls were enough.

Her oldest visits us from college some weekends. I gave her links of how to visit us via public transportation, saying I'd pick her up at the station in our city... because originally, she wanted us to drive 3 hours to pick up and drop off. LOL. That girl might end up okay... she's learning how to be a guest. She loves helping now... feels like part of our family. Loves having plans that are solid and reliable and chill. Her mother has no idea she visits us probably once a month. She asked me to not tell her because Mom (my SIL) would get jealous. Crazy family.

The upside is that our children are learning about boundaries and why everyone needs them. There couldn't be a better example.

Last edited by LieslMet; 03-16-2019 at 10:31 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2019, 10:25 AM
 
1,669 posts, read 551,841 times
Reputation: 2629
Reminds me one Thanksgiving kids were going to inlaws with their spouses and kids. We had been very busy and our plan was to have a nice meal, some peace, slower pace, less 'up' time, and enjoy a long time older family friend I grew up knowing who was a big part of my, my siblings and my parents lives. He was driving a few hours to enjoy the holiday and two nights with us. He visited a few times a year, really great about keeping in touch.

A couple of days before Thanksgiving, in laws announced they were coming. Well...okay, they're inlaws. They're not really fussy.

Thing is instead of really needy they were cranky and downers.

FIL kept saying about the family friend 'who is that man'. 'What's he doing here'. To MIL or under his breathe but not around the family friend. We went for a great walk around the neighborhood and the fields out back. While downer inlaws laid on the sofa and watched tv. We talked as we prepared the meal together...with the family friend. As inlaws laid on the .....

Thing is it is they, the inlaws, who were not invited. It was the old family friend who was invited.

Last edited by petsandgardens; 03-16-2019 at 10:56 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2019, 10:30 AM
 
Location: planet earth
4,539 posts, read 1,731,020 times
Reputation: 10196
Since you don't even know how old they are, you owe them nothing.

Tack a note on their door advising them to vacate, asap.

Tell them it was fabulous seeing them
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2019, 10:42 AM
 
791 posts, read 324,800 times
Reputation: 2410
Then there's the time they said they were just going to sleep here, with half an hour's notice. They'd arrive around 10:30pm and "leave first thing" and THANKYOUSOMUCH for accommodating them on short notice.

They arrived at midnight and asked what was for dinner. ??!! "Burger King is closed but help yourselves." I woke up at 6am to 3 eggs, condiments, all of the vegetables (they don't eat veggies), and a few drops of half and half. My kids made toast with heels, said they'd buy lunch, and I scrambled those 3 eggs for my husband and I with a shredded potato. They woke up at 11am and asked what we were having for breakfast. "Whatever you go out and get. You ate everything last night." They then feasted on a case of chips I had for our kids' school lunches, complained there was no cream for the coffee (they'd run out of milk and used coffee creamer in cereal), no milk for cereal ("can we use water?" I dunno- knock yourselves out), and sat in the living room watching me eat a really fantastic salad and watch a documentary until 2pm, when they realized I wasn't going to sort out lunch for them either.

I mean... really. Who are these freaks who exist in this world? How have they gotten anywhere in life, being like this?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top