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Early onset dementia can present in weird ways. Inappropriate language, not reading others expressions of impatience with one's behavior or comments, being unaware of other's wishes, all fall under the dementia like behaviors, possibly caused by medical conditions like narrowing of the arteries, etc. If it makes you feel any better, it is likely a passing phase, not likely to last a great deal longer, as for some dementia patients, there is a progressive loss of cognition, and losing the ability to communicate much at all. If you ask his wife, she may tell you herself of what is likely the cause of his behavior. She may be trying to manage his behavior and is just not aware he is leaving the apartment like that. It is possible that he is doing it knowingly, but sounds more like a person who is slowly losing his awareness of others. Head injuries can also cause trouble, or even mini-strokes in the brain can make a person be out of awareness of their own behavior. You might restructure your interactions by inviting his wife to join you and she will lead him out of the interaction herself. It may be not to your liking but it might retrain his behavior somewhat. If you try that once or twice, it might just be the end of it, and she might appreciate having a semi-normal communication with her neighbors. Being a caregiver is very lonely too. Watching someone you love regress isn't an easy thing for anyone to go through. I hope it gets better soon. Sadly many people show weird behavior like this just before things get worse and the person cannot think well for themselves.
The third time, he directly knocked at our door for no reason. He asked my husband where I was and when he said I was in the bathroom, he said 'I don't wanna see her naked. I'm gonna tell you a joke, will you laugh at it? I already had sex with your wife 5 times already'. My husband was furious so he slammed the door on him. Again, we couldn't get if it was ok in American culture to pass this off as a joke.
I probably shouldn't admit this but...
I'm not sure if it was what the guy said, or the husband's reaction, or the way the Girl in Yellow Socks relayed the story, or a combination of all...but I found this extremely funny. Like literally laughing out loud funny.
And for those saying the guy has dementia, I disagree. If he had dementia, I believe he would have just said "I already had sex with your wife 5 times already" without prefacing it with "I'm gonna tell you a joke, will you laugh at it?"
Wow, what a creep! I wonder if he's senile and he doesn't realize he's doing it multiple times a day. You have a lot of replies here, and I don't have time to read them all, but I hope some are useful.
And I hope someone has said:
1. At some point, you need to stop being polite. You open the door and say "Mr. Smith, we've told you that you can't keep coming here all day long. We're busy, and this has to stop." THEN CLOSE THE DOOR.
2. If he ever makes any more rude comments or asks intrusive questions, you need to say, "I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but that's inappropriate" or "Pardon me, but that's none of your business" or "Excuse me, but that's not funny." THEN WALK AWAY.
you did nothing wrong...in fact you were respectful out of good intentions..
lots of old folks lose the ability of boundaries and tact and go over many personal lines...and either don't realize it or care..
as someone else said...be abrupt.....
I had an older neighbor once and always kept telling him I was expecting a co-worker over ….to do some work.... the co worker never showed of course...but he also never asked why....he got the message he wasn't invited at that time and went home..
And for those saying the guy has dementia, I disagree. If he had dementia, I believe he would have just said "I already had sex with your wife 5 times already" without prefacing it with "I'm gonna tell you a joke, will you laugh at it?"
How would you know? Have you experienced dementia first hand as a nurse or caregiver? People with dementia say all kinds of strange, unexpected things. Dementia can present in an infinite number of unpredictable ways. It’s as unique as the individual experiencing it. Both my grandmothers had dementia, so I learned not to try to characterize any one behavior as predictive. It’s all the out-of-character behavior taken as a whole.
That said, I find it sad that a lot of posters here (and people in general) can’t have a little more compassion and patience for this poor, sad man who’s clearly losing his mind. Whether or not you know for sure that he specifically has dementia, isn’t it kinder to deal with him as if he does and is someone to be pitied, not hated? If you can extend him the benefit of the doubt on that point, it shouldn’t be that hard to come up with a kind way to extricate yourself from his company without resorting to rudeness or cruelty. A quick, “Hi Mr. Smith, can’t talk right now, I have a lot of work to do, but you have a wonderful day.” Then exit stage left. If he knocks on the door, same response, “Hi Mr. Smith, can’t visit right now, I have a lot of work to do, but have a beautiful day,” and close the door. See? Simple and kind, and it gets the job done without all the negativity.
And for those saying the guy has dementia, I disagree. If he had dementia, I believe he would have just said "I already had sex with your wife 5 times already" without prefacing it with "I'm gonna tell you a joke, will you laugh at it?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL
How would you know?
I don't know for sure, and neither do you.
I'm guessing based on the fact that he referred to it as a joke beforehand as opposed to just blurting it out. He clearly was aware that he was going to say something offensive. Otherwise he wouldn't have announced it and asked the husband if he will laugh.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL
It’s all the out-of-character behavior taken as a whole.
We don't know if this was out-of-character for him.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL
this poor, sad man who’s clearly losing his mind.
Again, you don't know that. How is it so clear?
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL
Whether or not you know for sure that he specifically has dementia, isn’t it kinder to deal with him as if he does and is someone to be pitied, not hated?
It's always best to be kind to people. But, no, I don't think that assumption should be made.
The OP and her husband are not handling this well. And being Asian seems like an excuse for not handling it well.
Dementia or not op, you are not expected to put up with it. When he knocks on the door tell him that you don't have time to visit and the next time he says anything inappropriate tell him that you find that offensive and to please leave.
This person is 70. That's not that old. Why must he have dementia because he says things that are in poor taste?
Not that you need to be super old to have dementia, I'm just saying it very well may be his normal personality.
Heck, I don't think anyone would be surprised if the President of the United States did this:
"The third time, he directly knocked at our door for no reason. He asked my husband where I was and when he said I was in the bathroom, he said 'I don't wanna see her naked. I'm gonna tell you a joke, will you laugh at it? I already had sex with your wife 5 times already'. My husband was furious so he slammed the door on him. Again, we couldn't get if it was ok in American culture to pass this off as a joke."
(The intent of this post is not to turn this into a political discussion but rather to point out that it's not uncommon for older people to make crude comments in a joking manner yet not have dementia.)
I can't believe how many people actually took this thread seriously. No wonder we get trolled so much!
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