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Old 03-19-2019, 08:09 AM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,615,096 times
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If you wish to stay within the framework of your culture regarding elders there are a number of steps you can take without being rude or confrontational. He may have some serious mental health degradation going on and compassionate but firm response is needed .
We faced the same problem with a man in our neighbourhood

First though I’d suggest keeping a record of each encounter, date,time what and where.( that record may be necessary to help if you need to go the apartment manager or file a complaint)
Do not answer your door
Screen your calls and do not answer your phone when he calls
If using an iPhone then block his number
If he talks to you don’t answer or engage in any way (keep a record of this and every encounter and what he says) this includes every time he knocks on the door.

I understand how culturally difficult this is but you can still maintain your boundaries without compromising your culture. You can still be kind but quietly firm and persistent in setting a healthy boundary.

If he continues then talk to the apartment manager, or call
https://www.n4a.org/
They might be able to offer advice and look into it
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:13 AM
 
2,614 posts, read 834,413 times
Reputation: 3743
I've found, over the years, that most of the problems we humans have are brought on by us, ourselves. You let this get out of hand, you had a soft spot for him, and now it has become a problem. It is now up to you to fix it, or you will be living in Hell for as long as you live there.

Time to simply be a straightforward adult, tell the man he is being over intrusive, and that you do not want him coming around, as he has been doing. We had this happen to us years ago, moved into a new house, and the old guy next door became our new best friend. It was driving us nuts, we couldn't go out into the yard with saying "Oh oh, here he comes !" He would chew your ear off and not leave.

I finally had enough, and simply told him flat out that he was bugging the Hell out of us. He stormed off, but our lives went back to being normal and he never did it again. I think that is how yours will go, but your peace is worth it.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:29 AM
 
3,918 posts, read 2,554,134 times
Reputation: 8414
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL View Post
The man is lonely and has Alzheimer’s/dementia. All the inappropriate questions are due to this. Have empathy for his condition, say hello and goodbye, be polite. If tries to engage you in longer conversation, tell him you have a pressing issue to deal with. Do this every time. When he calls, ignore his calls or send him to voicemail. Gently tell his wife what’s been going on and get her phone number. When he knocks on your door, ignore it and call him wife to ask her to come fetch him. Good luck.

Agree. Alzheimer's/dementia is the first thing I thought of when I read your post. I would definitely let the wife know what's going on.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:46 AM
 
9,879 posts, read 3,926,184 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan123 View Post
Agree. Alzheimer's/dementia is the first thing I thought of when I read your post. I would definitely let the wife know what's going on.
I agree, but it appears she knows very well what's going on.

Sometimes old people have no filter at all, and it sounds like that's what's going on with this guy.

It's SO HARD to be rude, but you're going to have to be.

My guess is, 20 years ago he was a completely normal guy.
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:11 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,596 posts, read 21,260,509 times
Reputation: 8629
Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL View Post
The man is lonely and has Alzheimer’s/dementia. All the inappropriate questions are due to this. Have empathy for his condition, say hello and goodbye, be polite. If tries to engage you in longer conversation, tell him you have a pressing issue to deal with. Do this every time. When he calls, ignore his calls or send him to voicemail. Gently tell his wife what’s been going on and get her phone number. When he knocks on your door, ignore it and call him wife to ask her to come fetch him. Good luck.
I agree that he's lonely for sure. I've spent enough time with older people; my hubs gram and an elderly neighbor at my old house. The only thing both wanted was someone to talk to. My neighbor really had no one, especially after his lady friend passed away. Gram used to tell me that even though she had 8 grand kids, my hub and I were the only ones to call her. I made sure to call her every week or 2.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan123 View Post
Agree. Alzheimer's/dementia is the first thing I thought of when I read your post. I would definitely let the wife know what's going on.
I agree to talk to his wife. She should be able to offer insight on whether he really has something medical going on or he's just like that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WMak70 View Post
I've found, over the years, that most of the problems we humans have are brought on by us, ourselves. You let this get out of hand, you had a soft spot for him, and now it has become a problem. It is now up to you to fix it, or you will be living in Hell for as long as you live there.

Time to simply be a straightforward adult, tell the man he is being over intrusive, and that you do not want him coming around, as he has been doing. We had this happen to us years ago, moved into a new house, and the old guy next door became our new best friend. It was driving us nuts, we couldn't go out into the yard with saying "Oh oh, here he comes !" He would chew your ear off and not leave.

I finally had enough, and simply told him flat out that he was bugging the Hell out of us. He stormed off, but our lives went back to being normal and he never did it again. I think that is how yours will go, but your peace is worth it.
I agree they should be honest that what he says is very offensive, especially in their culture. Who knows maybe if he doesn't have dementia he will apologize and it won't happen any more.
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:40 AM
 
37,855 posts, read 14,739,896 times
Reputation: 24164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowan123 View Post
Agree. Alzheimer's/dementia is the first thing I thought of when I read your post. I would definitely let the wife know what's going on.
Bingo.

Talk with the wife and explain how uncomfortable you are with her husband's behavior.

It may be that she is dealing with an increasingly difficult situation due to his declining cognitive abilities. Regardless, perhaps she can put the fear of the Lord into him to leave you alone or he'll end up in a facility, the police will be called, the apt mgr notified, whatever.

Ask if you may call her when he shows up at your door.

I would also recommend one of the video doorbells.

Good luck.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:01 AM
 
791 posts, read 324,800 times
Reputation: 2410
You don't owe him anything. Say no and let that NO be enough. "We're busy, no." You are always too busy, yes. It doesn't matter what backstory you're told. This creepy guy is not your problem.

He is mentally ill. Don't answer the door. Don't bring him back. If he remains outside your door, call his wife to retrieve him. If she won't get him, call the police and tell them there's a man - likely with a mental illness - at your door and you cannot get him returned to where he lives. They can bring him back. His wife will be made to see that he needs to be put into a home, if she can't manage the situation, no matter how much she might be avoiding it.

This is not acceptable behavior from anyone.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:01 AM
 
1,511 posts, read 1,419,517 times
Reputation: 10981
Why is this even an issue? You do not need to tolerate his behavior. Tell him he is making you uncomfortable and that you want him to leave you alone. If he comes to your apartment, don't let him in. Don't accept his calls. Do not engage him in conversation. He takes advantage of you because you let him. He harasses you because you let him. Stop allowing him to make you his targets.


His age is irrelevant. His behavior has rendered him unworthy of respect, so there is no need to feel bad for protecting yourself from him by whatever means works. Tell his wife he is behaving inappropriately. Make your concerns known to whoever manages the apartment. If he forces his way into your apartment again and will not leave, call the police (and let his wife know you will do this if he is not controlled). You do not have to tolerate his behavior. However, if you continue to tolerate it, you will continue to be targets.


Dementia (or the claim of dementia) is no excuse. His behavior is inappropriate, it makes you uncomfortable, so it is unacceptable and you have a right to ask to be left in peace.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:01 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,632 posts, read 4,757,271 times
Reputation: 18864
GotHereAsQuickASICould has given your best advice. I also immediately thought of dementia when you said he started saying these weird inappropriate remarks. This is a case where the poor guy's mind is starting to slip, and he's also lonely. I would speak respectfully to his wife and let her know that he has been wandering to your place and that his behavior has made you uncomfortable. Let her know that you will call her if he comes over in the future. Use your peephole in the door and don't answer if it's him. Call his wife and ask her to come get him. You can block his number on your phone, or if he calls simply say that you have to go now, and say good-bye, and hang up.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:15 AM
 
9,737 posts, read 16,875,887 times
Reputation: 18328
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tencent View Post
Just call adult/senior social services the man is senile and needs to be watched
Who do you think is going to "watch" him? He is not a danger to himself or others -- they are not going to do anything.
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