Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is not a black cloud, although I completely understand how it feels that way.
This is codependency. While the term is usually applied to someone who is taking on too much to cover for someone who has a drug or alcohol problem, it can stretch to other situations as well, and it seems to be that way in your case.
In your own words:
Yeah, per the underlined, it feels that way because IT IS that way.
The overly simplified answer is that you can't do anything to change someone else, but you can change how you react, the boundaries you set, and how much you will allow someone else to control your life.
Here's some basic info. See if you see yourself and your relationship in there, and if so, what steps you can take to change things. You might just learn to blow that black cloud away.
If you're basically supporting the family, and have been for a long time, and he doesn't live with the family, is it to your benefit to stay together? Are you better off with him, or without him? Are the kids better off if you stay together, or you divorce? Would he be able to get spousal support from you if you divorce, since you're working, and he's not? Would the kids be more upset by a divorce than by the current situation?
Sounds like it's time to go see a counselor and run through the pros and cons of staying married, or divorcing.
If you're basically supporting the family, and have been for a long time, and he doesn't live with the family, is it to your benefit to stay together? Are you better off with him, or without him? Are the kids better off if you stay together, or you divorce? Would he be able to get spousal support from you if you divorce, since you're working, and he's not? Would the kids be more upset by a divorce than by the current situation?
Sounds like it's time to go see a counselor and run through the pros and cons of staying married, or divorcing.
I agree. We need to wait until after he has a job. I don’t want him to have more stress than he already does.
He left to work and live away from you. That's not what I would consider being on love......at least not on his side.
Sales job (not marketing) can involve constant travels.
The same is true for management consultant folks who travel to clients' site on a weekly basis.
So, may be, a job that did not allow him to stay with the family was the only option he had.
OP, since I have never read any of your personal threads before, it does seem like you are thinking negatively. I would recommend talking to the hubby before you go the "divorce" way
Sales job (not marketing) can involve constant travels.
The same is true for management consultant folks who travel to clients' site on a weekly basis.
So, may be, a job that did not allow him to stay with the family was the only option he had.
OP, since I have never read any of your personal threads before, it does seem like you are thinking negatively. I would recommend talking to the hubby before you go the "divorce" way
100%. Now isn’t the time. We need to get through this and have a discussion.
I absolutely am in a negative space now, like I said originally when I am not here, something bad happens.
Sorry to hear about your struggles - it sounds like a difficult situation.
Just tossing this out there .... there is a type of therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). It helps people sort out their thoughts and feelings and make decisions in life. Much more than that, but that is a simple description.
This link has a list of worksheets based on ACT therapy... there is a section for couple/marriage/relationship issues. You might find some of them useful in terms of sorting out your thoughts/emotions about this situation. Scroll to page 46 to get to the relationship section.
I’m 70 years old now, and my former husband lost his life to cancer at age 50. But, in that marriage, he had several job changes (laid off a few times) and at one point he lived in San Diego while I stayed on in Dallas for 3 years. This was before internet — when long distance calls were expensive! I worked full time at a demanding job and lived with a challenging teenager. So, dear, I feel complete empathy for you. Living apart is stressful! When he comes home, he’ll need to go file for UEI (unemployment) right away. Also, the DFW area is a healthy market and temp agencies have jobs. Just hunker down and keep your cool. Take an exercise class once he’s back to blow off some steam.
When I was in your position, I felt the same way. Then my stepdaughter (his daughter) died in a car accident and 3 years later he also died. Then my Dad, then my sister.......
I realized the stress of trying to raise a family with the uncertainty of job security was really nothing compared to what happened next.
Life is what happens between crises! Hang in there, read some great books, play tennis or cards or find something to do with him for fun. Make the most of these years, you can never get them back again.
This! A wonderful post! Such tragedies and still doing okay. Kuddos to you WorldKlas!
Wow, you poor thing. I haven’t read all the posts, but it sounds like you have three problems, so take them one at a time. My husband got fired a few times, so I know that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach.
You have been raising 2 teenagers by yourself. That’s hard. When their father comes home he can help share that burden. When he’s not job hunting, he can take care of the house and the kids.
You don’t know if you love him or not. As Ann Landers used to say, would your life be better off with him, or without him? Only time will tell. You’ve been apart so long that you need to give it a fair chance. This could be the new beginning your family needs.
Do you have a job that would support you, if he’s not working? If you don’t, you better hang in and hope he gets a good job close to home. The job market is supposedly good right now.
Lastly, when I am very troubled and worried about something, I go to a quiet place and count my blessings. No negative thoughts are allowed. If you do this, you’ll feel better.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
