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Old 03-21-2019, 05:16 PM
Location: Canada
5,695 posts, read 4,119,924 times
Reputation: 15281


OP, I didn't read through the whole thread, but could someone have talked smut about you behind your back to him? It sounds like it.

If he would only talk to you and tell you what's going on, you could at least understand it and try to fix it, IF it's fixable.

Old 03-21-2019, 06:14 PM
39 posts, read 6,809 times
Reputation: 69
Yeah, I'm wondering if this guy has borderline personality disorder or something as well. People with borderline tend to act in quite extreme ways over small or even imagined situations. If so, he may have become frustrated or just bored with you about something you totally overlooked or even about nothing. It sounds strange, but it can happen.

Or maybe he's just really petty and looking for some entertainment. Either way, it sounds like he's not perfectly adjusted and may have some underlying personality disorder.
Old 03-21-2019, 06:25 PM
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,991 posts, read 4,748,113 times
Reputation: 2241
The only time I have ever treated someone like the way he's treating you is when I discovered that the person had revealed something I told them in confidence to someone else who couldn't keep her mouth shut. My personal business was then overheard being discussed at a cocktail party (I was not there; word got back to me later). Are you 100% positive you never said anything private to someone else that could have gotten back to him, even if it was distorted or taken out of context? I must admit that I just abruptly quit talking to that friend and I don't know if she ever figured out why (although she really should have been able to). It just wasn't worth it to me to confront her about her loose lips.
Old 03-21-2019, 06:58 PM
9,866 posts, read 3,926,184 times
Reputation: 24899
OP, it sounds like you have maybe left the thread.

I'm very happy this guy is no longer kicking you in the teeth.

And I have to agree with the posters who have said being a psychologist is not a point for his team.

Psychologists/psychiatrists have enough knowledge of human emotion to be really deadly.

I think after you sort of make up and make peace, you probably won't want to have him back as a close friend anymore. He's dangerous to your happiness.
Old 03-21-2019, 07:20 PM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,639 posts, read 41,381,512 times
Reputation: 81963
Originally Posted by Francois View Post

This year we both tried out for parts and are both in the chorus instead, but he is perfectly friendly with everybody, including the one who beat him out for the part I know was a "dream role" for him. In short, there might have been a 1% chance that this was why he was chilly toward me at first, last year, but it can't possibly explain this "deep freeze" lasting over a year. I've heard him rant and rail about other people in the group and all but wish them dead--and a week later, he's back to being fine with them and treating them at least cordially when required.
Is it possible you are downplaying this? Or some cumulative effect of some behaviors/tendencies of yours that he is fed up with?

Originally Posted by Francois View Post

I am not asking for a reconciliation so much as an explanation.

But after it's over, I can't drop this; I need to have SOME kind of powwow with him to ask exactly what I did, a chance to apologize or clear up a misunderstanding ...
I think you need to stop pushing. You've contacted him above and beyond what most people in your situation would do, and now is the time to accept that you may not get what you want.
Old 03-21-2019, 07:23 PM
Location: Arizona
5,904 posts, read 5,252,185 times
Reputation: 17806
Let it go. You are getting close to harassment.
Old 03-21-2019, 09:55 PM
Location: Texas
9,122 posts, read 3,534,321 times
Reputation: 18932
Originally Posted by Osmium View Post
Yeah, I'm wondering if this guy has borderline personality disorder or something as well. People with borderline tend to act in quite extreme ways over small or even imagined situations. If so, he may have become frustrated or just bored with you about something you totally overlooked or even about nothing. It sounds strange, but it can happen.

Or maybe he's just really petty and looking for some entertainment. Either way, it sounds like he's not perfectly adjusted and may have some underlying personality disorder.
If he has a personality disorder, I wonder why the OP wouldn't have noticed it within the six year period they were friends with each other. I have some experience with borderline, with a relative of mine, and the odd, erratic behavior would be noticed after a short time. It wouldn't take six years to realize something was wrong.
Old 03-22-2019, 06:17 AM
Location: SW Florida
10,202 posts, read 4,779,668 times
Reputation: 21511
Funny behavior for a psychologist. If I said anything at all I would say this: "You know I obviously did something to you to get the cold shoulder for so long. For the life of me I don't know what it could be but since you ARE a psychologist I do find the whole thing a bit unusual in that you won't even talk to me".
Old 03-22-2019, 07:10 AM
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,840 posts, read 1,377,263 times
Reputation: 9917
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Sometimes the best "revenge" on people is to forget about them.
absolutely and also to be happy without them.

Op, sorry this happen to you, gay or straight it sucks. Like you I am in my 50's luckily I have my old gal pals but we live in different states so I totally know how hard it can be to develop new friendships.

Now IMO what you could have done to him is moot, no one and I mean no one deserves to be made to feel as if they are worthless. Ignoring someone is the height of stupidity and meanness. YOU absolutely do not deserve to be treated this way.

So, I would make one more attempt to speak with him in person, try to get him alone so he does not have an avenue to turn to another person and ignore you. I would say that I would appreciate the courtesy of a simple answer. that is no more than you would do for a perfect stranger.

No matter if he answer you or not, that's not on you. as another poster said, you cannot control other people actions, you can only control your response to them.

Either way I would end the friendship and mourn it. again your sexual preference is immaterial, you are a caring human being and as such deserve to be treated with some common decency. not 15 year old bs games.

so even if he had an excellent excuse they are simply to many other ways he could have better handled it.

Personally I think he is a narcissist, people like that only develop relationships to be sort of a "mirror" to themselves, to tell them how brilliant they are, etc. and once that need is filled they tend to move on.
Just because he's a psychologist don't make him superman.

Cut bait and run.
Old 03-22-2019, 07:32 AM
Location: England, UK
44 posts, read 8,369 times
Reputation: 87
Francois... you may have already left the thread, but I really hope you're feeling a bit more positive from you recent posting.

It's so hurtful when someone we choose as a friend hurts us in this way, and leaves us clueless as to what 'we've' done.
If you ever come back, or have stayed reading for a short time there're a couple of things that I have thought of whilst reading through some of the comments. You will need to fully grieve your friendship, but the first step towards that is to decide whether or not you want a person who can treat you in such a manner in your life! Would you allow him back in, if he asked??! Please use some time to consider what YOU want.

I will start with a comment about your last post;

Your most recent post says he turned to you to say bye. I read this as a very definitive goodbye to you. I understand you have since e-mailed each other (briefly), but I got the distinct impression that that was a final goodbye to you and your friendship. I hope I'm wrong, but I get the impression that he is doing this for an end point, but not to rekindle the friendship. It is entirely up to you if you chase this person from here on, but I think you owe yourself, your self respect not to. Sadly I have a feeling you will not get answers...

Generally while reading through your original posting, and other comments, I have considered...

- was he jealous of your decorum and calmness that he was given a better job (when he reacts so differently)? he may suffer greatly from lack of self confidence (signs are there if you look: high achiever, not impressed when others do better than he, passive aggressive behaviour... is he high achieving at work? does he have controlling tendencies?)
- is he generally jealous of you... that you are so un-judgemental and more mature and level headed (you may be holding up a 'mirror' to him and his behaviour and he doesn't like what he sees)

As a professional (psychologist) I find it alarming that he would treat you with such disdain/ hostility/ disrespect/ lack of integrity. BUT... the theory to practice gap is real, having the theory does not mean they can deliver. I have considered whether there is an element of personality disorder, but this is irrelevant to this, because irrespective of him having one or not, its his behaviour and treatment of you that is important. I do think there is potential for a jealous/ spiteful person to have stirred up some rubbish, but like others have mentioned, he should be mature (and we know he's not now) and know you well enough to either dismiss it as nonsense, or to ask you.

If it makes you feel any better I've been ghosted by a couple of friends, and I've also had a so called friend try to sabotage me at work. It hurts fiercely! I would even consider that it hurts more than when a romantic relationship breaks down! I've learned through (a dysfunctional) family, and (thankfully only) a few friends that at times we don't get answers to why they treat us badly. Even if we try to 'pin' them down there's no guarantee that they are telling you the truth, because usually we haven't done anything to justify their behaviour. The negativity comes from them. We cannot change them, only they can change their behaviour.

If I can give you one example to help you not chase this person, I hope you don't mind me sharing;

I'm a little bit younger than you, but I have always chased my Mom. I was always the one arranging things, going to her house, bending over backwards to be flexible for her (when my Mom hasn't worked for some time). There were often times my Mom would double book with someone else and cancel me at the last minute. There were many occasions like this and more. I thought about cutting ties for a really long time. I tried one year and started up contact (chasing) again. I found this more deeply upsetting than I can tell you. 3 years ago now I had a sit down conversation with her saying a relationship is a 2 way street. I outlined (kindly) my expectations, and verbally she agreed. I haven't heard from her since. Yes, it hurt/s and I have moments (especially when people say "you only get one Mom") that can be hard, but I can honestly say that the pain is exponentially less than when I was continually chasing and being let down/ not having the relationship reciprocated.

It took me a long time to wake up and think that I cannot make anyone treat me well, I can only set boundaries and if they don't meet them, then I remove myself from the situation. Please do not waste any more time and energy, spend it filling your life with others who treat you as you deserve. Constantly worrying what you are meant to have done is not healthy. Focus on the other friendships with your group.
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