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I am heartbroken and I don't know how to handle it. I'm in my 50s, and as any of you this age likely know, it is difficult to make 'deep' friendships at this age.
One of my hobbies is community theater, and I am a 'regular' in a group that does one show every spring, rehearsing/performing from Jan-March. Several years ago, I met a guy my age and, over the years and doing the show together, we found a lot of things in common and got to be close friends, to the point that we started doing things outside of the theater group together and in the 'off-season', such as joining a bowling league and other activities. I should mention that we are both gay, but there is no romantic attraction, just friends. I am in a relationship and my partner has met this friend and we've even had him to our house before and all has been fine, including between the two of them.
So suddenly, a year ago (after 6 years of friendship), when the new show started rehearsals, I went to speak to him and immediately got a very "cold shoulder" and terse response to my question asking how he'd been in the month since we'd last spoken, then he immediately turned to someone else and started talking to them. I noticed him avoiding me at other times in rehearsals. I emailed him asking "Is everything OK? I detect a cold shoulder from you? Please let me know" and no response. I called and left a voicemail, saying the same thing, after another month of this. No response. I emailed him an article that we would have laughed about "before", just as something of a peace offering and a friendly connection--nothing. We did the whole rehearsal process for the play and performed it, with him completely avoiding me every chance he got, even in the parking lot.
I should mention that he is a psychologist and usually a very direct person; the last one you would ever imagine to be the least bit passive-aggressive, never mind displaying it to this extreme degree.
During the past year, which was a very rough one on me, I let it lie since I was very occupied with things like deaths in teh family, work pressures, etc, but I would still email him once in awhile, for example when my dog died, as he is a huge dog lover and had previosuly expressed compassion when she had been sick a year earlier. No response.
I thought it would just be like that and I'd never understand it, though the fact that this is so absolutely out of character for him continues to plague me. And, the last conversation we had had, had been a very friendly 20-30 conversation talking about auditioning for the show last year--the same one he froze me out of as soon as it started. And no, it's not that I beat him out of a part he wanted--in fact, he beat ME out of a part, but he had done that before, and it was not fun but I didn't blame him of course.
So now we are rehearsing another show together and this time we have much more interaction in rehearsals, and he continues to absolutely ignore me as if I'm not there, even when we are onstage in the same scene. Because of this proximity (last year, we weren't really in the same scenes and it was easier to deal with), it is heartbreaking to see him standing right next to me and not even interacting with me as characters in the scene like everybody else is doing. I NEVER get a moment alone with him to start a conversation, as he is quite adept at making sure that doesn't happen. I tried one more email recently and nothing.
I know most people would say just to let it go, but I just want to know WHAT I did that has caused someone who is usually so direct about dealing with any kind of disagreement or issue to continue, even after a year, to treat me like a leper. The rest of the cast must be wondering why he and I, who used to hang out together all the time, are never in the same part of the room, let alone chatting, but I may be overestimating how much attention people pay to other people's friendships. All I know it is pains me every time I see him being friendly with literally every person there, while actively ignoring me even standing right beside me.
Clearly, I am being "punished" for some slight that happened a year ago, despite our last conversation being friendly. I haven't gossiped about him or told any secrets about him, or anything whatsoever, and not knowing what my "unforgivable sin" was in eating away at me terribly.
I have heard of "ghosting" among teenagers and online, but when it's done by someone you see every night and have to be in large scenes with on a stage, it's impossible to ignore--and yet all the reaching out I do is ignored.
Has anyone else as an ADULT experienced this sort of thing, and did you get past it? I want the friendship back (it will be very awkward to deal with this every single year as we will both probably continue working with this theater group every year), but more than anything *I want to know what caused this*. And I want to know what I need to to to apologize. Even if the friendship is irretrievable, I want to know what I (inadvertently) did, so I don't do it to anybody else.
I'm heartbroken, and the worst part is, I can't even talk about it to my partner because he would be very suspicious of why this friendship with another gay male was bothering me so, and presume there was "more to it", which there is not.
I just wonder how other adults deal with this kind of thing. It would be one thing if it were in character for him, but as I say, he has a background in psychotherapy and communication is the ONE thing counselors always recommend above all else.
If this person cannot talk to you and explain what's wrong, you are better off without him. It might not seem that way now, but it's true. I would not want this person back because I would be afraid they would do it again. I would not contact him anymore. He knows how to get in touch with you. He knows he's not wanting to communicate with you. He is not a nice person.
It sounds like the only thing you haven't tried is approaching him in person to say, "Hey, would you please tell me what I did wrong so I can apologize? You haven't answered any of my messages and I just don't know what went wrong." But it seems like you've tried to put yourself in a situation to do this multiple times and he has made it impossible. He sounds like a jerk. He wouldn't even respond with some sort of generic message of sympathy when your dog passed away. I know it's difficult when y'all have to be in shows together, but it sounds like you are better off without him, as the previous poster said.
I'm in my thirties and was ghosted by a friend for 5 months, recently. I didn't try as hard as you have to get the friendship back. I'm second-guessing myself all the same, but I no longer trust my friend after what she did. It sucks, but I'm getting to a point where I'm not constantly asking myself "why," or blaming myself solely. If you allow yourself to stop thinking of it as something you caused, it will be a huge weight off your shoulders. It was his decision to be so callous, and it's a reflection on his character.
I'm sorry he did this to you. I can tell from your post how much you appreciated his friendship.
Is there a person in your group you could really trust as an individual who makes life better, not worse? Such a person might be willing to have one go and not make it dramatic...just to ask your former friend what happened. You might consider whether you would like the third party to be a sort of open emissary for you. Your former friend knowing this. Or, perhaps to act like he hasn't spoken with you at all.
If this person cannot talk to you and explain what's wrong, you are better off without him. It might not seem that way now, but it's true. I would not want this person back because I would be afraid they would do it again. I would not contact him anymore. He knows how to get in touch with you. He knows he's not wanting to communicate with you. He is not a nice person.
Very true, but the OP has a situation where he still has to have contact unless he quits this theater group.
Surely other people in the group must see this behavior?
I would just be direct and ask him what the problem is, even if he doesn't want to be friends again(and you really have to wonder if you want to) he needs to civil towards you due to the group.
OP, you seem to enjoy the group and certainly don't want him to try and force you out, but ask what is the issue is and regardless, you need to be treated in a civil manner while you rehearse/perform together.
I suggest you quit trying to revive the friendship. He's acting like a jerk. Even if you did something he found offensive or in some way irritated him, he needs to man up and tell you what it was. He must be a lousy psychologist if he expects you or anyone else to be mind readers. He's a jerk.... you don't need friends like him.
i find it difficult to believe that you did anything wrong since he hasn’t managed to share with you what he thinks you supposedly did , so bottom line is he is being a jerk. What he’s doing is cowardly and very cruel. Please realize this is not about anything you did , it’s about him being a numpty. ,
The more you try to appease and beg the more irritated he will get and you won’t get any answers. You are better than this. Treat him as a stranger and try to focus on enjoying your theatre group.
So I think all the responses above have concluded with the guy being a jerk. Which, I'm not disagreeing with...
But that's probably not what you were looking for as a response I'm guessing.
So you both are gay men which means you both are interested in other gay men... Is there any reason to believe that maybe this guy developed stronger feelings for you?
I'll explain my logic: For a psychotherapist to change his behavior and act as neurotically towards you as he is the catalyst has to be based on a strong feeling... strong feelings are always positive or negative. Losing a job, spouse, lots of money would be "negative". Winning the lottery, getting a promotion, taking an awesome vacation would be examples of "positive" events.
Falling in love can be positive, but in the wrong context it can be quite negative.
I'm considering your ages and the fact that you've got a partner. Is it possible that he developed feelings for you, but realized it was a non-starter and is simply doing what he can to deal with his feelings?
He's shunning you, which is a tad more cruel because you have to see him all the time except now he's ignoring you.
It is odd. What was the very last interaction with him like before the shunning began? You can't think of one single weird thing that happened between you?
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