U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-30-2019, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Endless Concert
1,727 posts, read 1,173,744 times
Reputation: 3283

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bette View Post
If someone is really upset, I tell them I'm here to listen. As far as the person who said she should have married someone else, I would say "I'm sorry you feel that way; have you tried counseling?"
Thank you for your post.

I'm going to be having dinner with her soon and I was thinking if she said this again, I would respond with "what are you going to do" but I think your suggestion about counseling may be helpful.

Last edited by 70's Music Girl; 03-30-2019 at 08:52 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-30-2019, 08:12 PM
 
Location: Endless Concert
1,727 posts, read 1,173,744 times
Reputation: 3283
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainebrokerman View Post
when or if I hear these things....along the lines of regret..... from a parent.....whether its regret of marrying the wrong person...(unless they are being abused) I will look at them and say … there are no regrets when you have kids.... kids are blessings you want a world that your kids don't exist???????

personal questions...first of all.....you have options when someone is making you feel uncomfortable...…..1. you don't even have to respond....just say you are listening....2 deflect..any question you don't want to answer.....by asking them questions or change the subject altogether.... 3. deflect back to them " are you feelin ok?? why so serious?? 4. simply say there are some subjects I only talk to my husband or god about... 5. appease...instead of answering head on...go into a like subject matter you are comfortable with ….6. a mirror response...omg why are you asking such a question whats wrong?? im worried about you..
7. if its someone you don't know very well and they are asking personal questions....just smile and excuse yourself...go use the restroom ...get an appetizer...
8.. if its a head on disrespectful question...….just say hey im not at work im here to lighten up... try to have a decent time

someone talking about an affair.... id say "some things I don't want to know" 2. I didn't know you were such a ho 3. you are the third person in the past week that told me they are undermining their marriage...….whats in the air?? 4. I want my wedding gift back 5. does your husband/wife know????? and why not? (this usually ends the conversation)

late arrivals.....order appetizers …..or don't wait for them....if they are habitual....its very inconsiderate...order without them
I once told a guy "good thing you aren't an emt….no one would have a chance waiting for you"

paying the bill......ask loudly to whoever receives the bill "whats my responsibility " this puts the rest on notice..
or you take the bill...and tell everyone what they owe.....
Thank you for such a well written post !

So many great points you've made.

I do my best to deflect, but many times that doesn't work.

I have tried changing the subject on the acquaintance when she's said she thinks she married the wrong person, and will circle back around to the conversation I was trying to get away from. (ugh!)
If I think of it I'll say, I was trying to change the conversation !

Same thing with the friend, from a long time ago, having the affair would try and change subject, she would circle back around to that conversation.
Great suggestion, "some things I don't want to know"

I've remembered a guy friend telling me he married the wrong person, he said he knew it early on, he's since divorced.

What I've realized with some people that if there's something they want to talk about they're going to talk about it, even if the other person doesn't want to hear what they are saying.

Last edited by 70's Music Girl; 03-30-2019 at 09:27 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2019, 09:02 PM
 
Location: Kansas City North
4,036 posts, read 7,315,397 times
Reputation: 5898
Best answer for nosy questions is “”why do you ask?” Apologies if this was mentioned. I’m watching NCAAs and reading C-D at the same time and not doing the best job at either.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-30-2019, 09:39 PM
 
9,271 posts, read 9,220,181 times
Reputation: 11717
Quote:
Originally Posted by 70's Music Girl View Post
I'm not sure how to respond, what to say when ...

1. An acquaintance tells me she wished she married someone else.
2. When parents tell me they wish they didn't have kids, they don't enjoy being a parent.
3.When in a social setting someone starts asking personal questions.
(This can be awkward if I respond, I don't answer questions I wouldn't ask. Then the person is slightly embarrassed and will continue to ask in an obvious, lame attempt to cover their embarrassment.)
4. Going out to lunch/dinner in a group, many people don't put in the amount to cover what they ordered.
(I've been in this situation many times, I'm usually adding more to cover other people's bill because I want to keep the dining experience positive. (Now I ask for separate checks.)
5. Someone starts to tell me about the affair they're having, so awkward.
6. When meeting someone for lunch/dinner - the person is late shows up and doesn't acknowledge they are late or offers an apology to have kept someone waiting.
(I'm a little more prepared about this now as I will only wait 5min. for the habitually late person, if the on time person happens to be late, I would wait a little longer, this person shows up, is accountable and expresses consideration for keeping someone waiting.)
7. There have been times where I've waited a while for someone, when they finally show up I've said, I though we were meeting 25 min. ago ? Their reaction, well let's go in, or Do you want to go in ? (said in slightly surprised/sarcastic tone) Now I wished I had said, No, I don't care to dine with someone so inconsiderate.

Please share the times when you're not sure what to say ?
In most situations, you have a basic choice of whether to respond seriously or with humor, to be direct or to deflect.

Here are some possibilities:

1. Laugh and say "Too late now!"
2. (This would completely depend on how close you are to them.)
3. "Whoa, why do you ask?" or "Sorry, that's a little personal" or any kind of humorous evasion.
4. "Are you sure that's right? Maybe you can check my arithmetic, but I think that should have been $20."
5. "Excuse me, but that's making me really uncomfortable. That might be too much information."
6. "Geez, I've been waiting for 40 minutes!"
7. "Of course I want to go in, but weren't we supposed to meet at noon? I'm not crazy about wasting a half hour cooling my heels."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2019, 09:31 AM
 
Location: equator
3,427 posts, read 1,527,565 times
Reputation: 8499
Quote:
Originally Posted by 70's Music Girl View Post
Please share your experiences when you didn't know how to respond, what to say when ...
Well, since you asked: A friend mentioned that several expats were going to get some plastic surgery done as a group, and he said: "You might want to go with them and get a breast reduction."

I covered up my shock and just casually said, "I already had one." But GEEZ, talk about no filter.
Who would say that???

Sorry you are going through this, OP. Uncomfortable for you, for sure. I laughed, but agreed with Ruth's suggestion: "What an unusual line of questioning", LOL.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2019, 02:22 PM
 
797 posts, read 190,857 times
Reputation: 578
the most i can do is listen, and if asked for ideas, let them know i can't speak for their (unshared) experience--just offer suggestions they are free *not* to do.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2019, 02:31 PM
 
25,972 posts, read 32,978,177 times
Reputation: 32158
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveinMtAiry View Post
I rarely have these things happen to me. I gotta get out more.
Same here. Cray cray!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-31-2019, 06:07 PM
 
1,182 posts, read 351,583 times
Reputation: 3714
What I say is ....... "Wow, I don't know what to say. You leave me speechless.". It works for lots of things.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-01-2019, 12:54 PM
 
3,024 posts, read 2,016,211 times
Reputation: 5936
Quote:
Originally Posted by 70's Music Girl View Post
Please share your experiences when you didn't know how to respond, what to say when ...
"If you want to use me as your therapist, it's a hundred bucks a session."
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-01-2019, 02:01 PM
 
6,536 posts, read 2,362,084 times
Reputation: 15038
Quote:
Originally Posted by 70's Music Girl View Post
I'm not sure how to respond, what to say when ...

An acquaintance tells me she wished she married someone else.

When parents tell me they wish they didn't have kids, they don't enjoy being a parent.

When in a social setting someone starts asking personal questions.
(This can be awkward if I respond, I don't answer questions I wouldn't ask. Then the person is slightly embarrassed and will continue to ask in an obvious, lame attempt to cover their embarrassment.)

Going out to lunch/dinner in a group, many people don't put in the amount to cover what they ordered.
(I've been in this situation many times, I'm usually adding more to cover other people's bill because I want to keep the dining experience positive. (Now I ask for separate checks.)

Someone starts to tell me about the affair they're having, so awkward.

When meeting someone for lunch/dinner - the person is late shows up and doesn't acknowledge they are late or offers an apology to have kept someone waiting.
(I'm a little more prepared about this now as I will only wait 5min. for the habitually late person, if the on time person happens to be late, I would wait a little longer, this person shows up, is accountable and expresses consideration for keeping someone waiting.)

There have been times where I've waited a while for someone, when they finally show up I've said, I though we were meeting 25 min. ago ? Their reaction, well let's go in, or Do you want to go in ? (said in slightly surprised/sarcastic tone)
Now I wished I had said, No, I don't care to dine with someone so inconsiderate.

Please share the times when you're not sure what to say ?

I have a horrible sense of direction. I have a group of friends that like to meet up in the city (St. Louis) for lunch from time to time. They pick restaurants I'm not familiar with. Now I have my phone so it doesn't happen as often, but I would often be late because I turned right when I should've turned left, etc.


And even under those circumstances, I wasn't even the latest person.


I get your frustration though. It's exasperating to wait on the chronically late. I know.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top