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Old 04-13-2019, 04:48 PM
 
2 posts, read 1,476 times
Reputation: 11

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My brother came to me for help asking for a place to stay. Despite knowing what kind of person he is, let him move all his stuff into my living room. I live in a small 1-bedroom apartment, and thatís all I had to offer.

This was 19 months ago. Iíve since spent thousands of dollars on him between food, his nicotine/kratom dependencies, and various non-essentials. The few months heís been able to work I let him use my car, as my work is only a mile away.

90% of the time he isnít working. He is an emotionally manipulative roommate. Every inquiry into why he doesnít work or why he behaves the way he does starts an argument where he does one or all of these things: blames others for his situation, says he's just not good at a job, or makes other sorts of excuses.

After 19 months of him living with me, and over a year before that of helping him financially and lending my car, I am done. I have put my life on hold for this person. I have $0 left after each paycheck. My emotional well-being is atrocious. I have no support system.

Any hint or mention of me kicking him out, or having an ultimatum, ropes me into a 2 hour+ long argument and excuse-fest.

Iím at a loss. He has burned every other bridge with family and friends due to this behavior.

Yesterday I wanted to get it off my chest and went ahead and told my brother that I was thinking of moving out of this current apartment. He had until the end of September to either find someone else to live with, or get his act together and move out on his out.

His reaction was this:

- Told me to go F myself

- Saying I'm a selfish human being and a part of the problem, and might as well die for being this way

- His behavior is just who he is and he can't change that

- His experience with his past jobs and such since 2016 isn't his fault and is mostly just a run of bad luck and bad people

- He is trying to find a job and get him life together, he is not trying to fail

- I should just suck it up and help flesh and blood because that's the right thing to do

- Giving him 5 months isn't enough and is basically throwing him on the street

- I'm condemning him to homelessness

- During those 5 months he "wouldn't make things very fun" and wouldn't even try to help himself, just in spite of me

- Says that if he ever was homeless he'd commit suicide and "don't think that I won't, I've tried it before"

I'm at my wit's end here. Nobody else is willing or able to house this person, and you might be able to tell why. Everyone else has kicked him out, no warning, so now there's me, that last person he knows who can help him, and he's making it incredibly difficult. He's not "trying to fail" but at the same time gets into arguments with his bosses and coworkers when they're not happy with his performance. This conversation we had last night took 4 hours to resolve itself, where I essentially gave in and said I wouldn't do it.

I am a crutch to him. If I wasn't around or I decided to kick him out, it's over for him. He'd rather kill himself than find another solution, or change his approach. And I'd rather not have that on my conscience.
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Old 04-13-2019, 05:46 PM
Status: "All Tangled Up... ❤️" (set 17 days ago)
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
1,522 posts, read 678,272 times
Reputation: 3053
This sounds like a codependent situation and you're the enabler/giver here.

At some point, you have to start looking out for YOU, by cutting the ties, and letting the chips fall where they may with him. Otherwise, you're going to end up drowning yourself.

Don't let him manipulate you. He needs to start taking responsibility for himself and his actions. If push comes to shove, he'll most likely land on his feet and survive.
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Old 04-13-2019, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,947 posts, read 45,385,657 times
Reputation: 61438
You might not be able to get him out of your current apartment legally, so your best option is to move.
It was nice of you to give him shelter for as long as you did, but now you know that he is a user. Don’t fall for it again, or you only have yourself to blame.
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Old 04-13-2019, 07:22 PM
 
13,136 posts, read 20,702,481 times
Reputation: 35314
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
You might not be able to get him out of your current apartment legally, so your best option is to move.
It was nice of you to give him shelter for as long as you did, but now you know that he is a user. Donít fall for it again, or you only have yourself to blame.
+1. Don't let him hold you emotionally hostage. If he threatens suicide, call the authorities and tell them he's a danger to himself. A psych hold will handle it.

You have done plenty, it's time for him to take responsibility for his life.
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Old 04-13-2019, 07:42 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,665 posts, read 41,395,027 times
Reputation: 82005
He has shown you that his connection to you is not based in love. So ...

This should empower you to take a hard stance. After all, he's already taken his.

Based on the truly horrible things he has said to you, I honestly would wait till he leaves one day, pack up all his stuff, put it outside, and change the locks.

Imagine if anyone else had said those things to you. This person does not give one crap about you. He's not being a brother. He's an intruder, and you need to get him out and take your life back.

Oh, and still keep your plans to move ASAP, with no forwarding address.
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Old 04-13-2019, 07:46 PM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
7,361 posts, read 12,894,103 times
Reputation: 30804
He's got you trained to know who the head of the house is. Period!
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Old 04-13-2019, 08:02 PM
 
9,403 posts, read 13,345,874 times
Reputation: 5515
Wow.


Yeah this is why I don't help family.


Nope, too bad, figure it out.


I help nobody.


I'm sorry, OP. This sucks. Definitely move, throw his **** out on the curb and cut ties.
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Old 04-13-2019, 08:14 PM
 
63 posts, read 18,633 times
Reputation: 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretchen963 View Post
This sounds like a codependent situation and you're the enabler/giver here.

At some point, you have to start looking out for YOU, by cutting the ties, and letting the chips fall where they may with him. Otherwise, you're going to end up drowning yourself.

Don't let him manipulate you. He needs to start taking responsibility for himself and his actions. If push comes to shove, he'll most likely land on his feet and survive.
Agreed. Your brother is forcing emotional extortion on you. You are not his keeper.
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Old 04-13-2019, 08:57 PM
 
9,183 posts, read 9,159,768 times
Reputation: 11521
It's so sad that you didn't figure out how to deal with this years ago, and that you walked right into it with your eyes open. Really, why didn't you at least stop giving him money? Buy the food, but if he needs cigs, tough luck.

There's a great Ethics column in the New York Times that had a similar situation, and the gist was: You have a basic moral obligation to try to help your sibling, but not to the point of wrecking your own life and finances.

I think you need to steel yourself with some retorts:

-You're condemning me to homelessnesss!
-No, I'm condemning you to get a job and be an adult.

-My behavior is who I am and I can't change that.
-Then go behave that way on your own, not here.

-Giving me five months isn't enough.
-Five months? You've been here 19 months.

You get the idea. Don't let him browbeat you. Walk out of the room.

I'm wondering facetiously what would happen if you told a doctor that he threatened suicide - and they locked up up in a medial facility, given you time to change the locks.

By the way, does he have a doctor? Good luck.
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Old 04-13-2019, 09:07 PM
 
1,675 posts, read 552,918 times
Reputation: 2641
Quote:
Originally Posted by Merus View Post
My brother came to me for help asking for a place to stay. Despite knowing what kind of person he is, let him move all his stuff into my living room. I live in a small 1-bedroom apartment, and that’s all I had to offer.

This was 19 months ago. I’ve since spent thousands of dollars on him between food, his nicotine/kratom dependencies, and various non-essentials. The few months he’s been able to work I let him use my car, as my work is only a mile away.

90% of the time he isn’t working. He is an emotionally manipulative roommate. Every inquiry into why he doesn’t work or why he behaves the way he does starts an argument where he does one or all of these things: blames others for his situation, says he's just not good at a job, or makes other sorts of excuses.

After 19 months of him living with me, and over a year before that of helping him financially and lending my car, I am done. I have put my life on hold for this person. I have $0 left after each paycheck. My emotional well-being is atrocious. I have no support system.

Any hint or mention of me kicking him out, or having an ultimatum, ropes me into a 2 hour+ long argument and excuse-fest.

I’m at a loss. He has burned every other bridge with family and friends due to this behavior.

Yesterday I wanted to get it off my chest and went ahead and told my brother that I was thinking of moving out of this current apartment. He had until the end of September to either find someone else to live with, or get his act together and move out on his out.

His reaction was this:

- Told me to go F myself

- Saying I'm a selfish human being and a part of the problem, and might as well die for being this way

- His behavior is just who he is and he can't change that

- His experience with his past jobs and such since 2016 isn't his fault and is mostly just a run of bad luck and bad people

- He is trying to find a job and get him life together, he is not trying to fail

- I should just suck it up and help flesh and blood because that's the right thing to do

- Giving him 5 months isn't enough and is basically throwing him on the street

- I'm condemning him to homelessness

- During those 5 months he "wouldn't make things very fun" and wouldn't even try to help himself, just in spite of me

- Says that if he ever was homeless he'd commit suicide and "don't think that I won't, I've tried it before"

I'm at my wit's end here. Nobody else is willing or able to house this person, and you might be able to tell why. Everyone else has kicked him out, no warning, so now there's me, that last person he knows who can help him, and he's making it incredibly difficult. He's not "trying to fail" but at the same time gets into arguments with his bosses and coworkers when they're not happy with his performance. This conversation we had last night took 4 hours to resolve itself, where I essentially gave in and said I wouldn't do it.

I am a crutch to him. If I wasn't around or I decided to kick him out, it's over for him. He'd rather kill himself than find another solution, or change his approach. And I'd rather not have that on my conscience.
You still don't realize he has easily talked you into ridiculous stuff. That's his reference/resume. Don't worry, he's skilled as a con artist and will quickly talk someone else into this inappropriate stuff. If you have to stay because of your lease,kick him out. Hide money, valuables, souvenirs, things emotionally significant to you, anything better quality...handbags, shoes, clothes he would take and sell in a safety box outside your place, hide any info of where anything important is. Tell him well is dry and he'll be gone.
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