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Old 04-17-2019, 11:51 PM
 
3,257 posts, read 4,481,198 times
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Why can’t they go to your in-laws? We have many combined holidays. You obviously feel bad for wanting to go have more fun at the in-laws. If they are so fun why can’t they invite your folks? Or your folks don’t like them? Sorry to be so nosy but it’s so vague.
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Old 04-18-2019, 07:26 AM
 
3,977 posts, read 1,702,773 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
Your mom have been saying this, but does she mean it? Are your parents too polite?



^^^This ^^^.

Also what is up with your in-laws? Wouldn't they realize this wasn't right?
Some families actually do not care. My family really is not that big on holidays and never has been. It can be hard to get other people to believe us because itís socially expected that people should make a big deal about holidays.
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Old 04-18-2019, 07:32 AM
 
Location: Central NJ
30 posts, read 19,639 times
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Ok, so... my parents have NEVER hosted a holiday. I think there was one Christmas Eve probably 20 years ago that we went to my mother's but I made some food to bring over. My in-laws are actually my ex in-laws. I am divorced from my husband but we are still close and I remain close with his family. I did holidays for years and I have no interest in cooking or entertaining any longer. I've had my parents over the day before a holiday and they're there for two hours and my mother is bothering my father asking him if he's ready to go home now. It's boring. I suffer from depression and anxiety and spend a lot of time at home so if an opportunity comes for me to go out and have a good time I want to take it. I did ask my mother if she wanted to come over Easter morning for breakfast and she asked me if I was going to eat? I told her no I will probably just have coffee since I'll be eating later in the day. (Food issues) she said if I wasn't going to eat that they probably wouldn't come but thank you for the offer. I tried.
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Old 04-18-2019, 07:34 AM
 
Location: Central NJ
30 posts, read 19,639 times
Reputation: 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict View Post
Some families actually do not care. My family really is not that big on holidays and never has been. It can be hard to get other people to believe us because itís socially expected that people should make a big deal about holidays.
Holidays are just a day to get together and have a meal. No real meaning to us..
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Old 04-18-2019, 07:35 AM
 
Location: Central NJ
30 posts, read 19,639 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post
Why canít they go to your in-laws? We have many combined holidays. You obviously feel bad for wanting to go have more fun at the in-laws. If they are so fun why canít they invite your folks? Or your folks donít like them? Sorry to be so nosy but itís so vague.
They are my ex in laws and I'm grateful to be invited, I would never ask to bring other people along.
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Old 04-18-2019, 07:36 AM
 
1,000 posts, read 303,498 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pattyswind View Post
I did ask my mother if she wanted to come over Easter morning for breakfast and she asked me if I was going to eat? I told her no I will probably just have coffee since I'll be eating later in the day. (Food issues) she said if I wasn't going to eat that they probably wouldn't come but thank you for the offer. I tried.
If you invited me over for breakfast, but said you weren't going to eat, I wouldn't come either.
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Old 04-18-2019, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Central NJ
30 posts, read 19,639 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YorktownGal View Post
If you invited me over for breakfast, but said you weren't going to eat, I wouldn't come either.
Why? It's about being together, not how much I eat or drink..
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Old 04-18-2019, 07:59 AM
 
1,000 posts, read 303,498 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pattyswind View Post
Why? It's about being together, not how much I eat or drink..
Because inviting someone over to share a meal, means that everyone will share the meal. It is a celebration.

Inviting someone over to share a meal, then not eating is uncomfortable. It's patronizing or an obligation rather than a celebration.

If I invited you over to watch a movie or go for a walk, then I said you can watch a movie or go for a walk, I will sit here and not participate. Wouldn't it feel funny to you?
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Old 04-18-2019, 08:10 AM
 
795 posts, read 336,247 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pattyswind View Post
Why? It's about being together, not how much I eat or drink..
You said yourself that it's boring. Removing the one activity - eating - makes it even more so. Do you think they want to come over and have you watch them while they eat? LOL

My in-laws are like this and it grates me something awful. Their preferred activity is just existing in the same room. I can't clean or cook AT ALL without them thinking I'm abandoning them, even though I have a lounging area in the kitchen and they're right there, not responding to conversation starters. So, they just watch me cook and I text my neighbor friends to come over so it's not so boring. "We really didn't get to spend any time with you... you were just cooking the whole time and then your RUDE friends showed up when they can clearly see we're visiting." ?? But we WERE together. And my friends tried pulling them into conversations too. They don't want to go out for a walk or to anywhere. Having the TV on is distracting to them. "I guess I just thought we wouldn't be watching TV all day... (sad face)" They just want to be looked at, I guess. It's awkward. Spending time together, sitting in chairs without any distraction to the silence isn't an activity I'd want to go over and do. "Isn't it enough to just BE together?!!"

No. No, it isn't. Existing in the same room without anything is not my idea of a good time.

What's shocking is that they're very busy people. Always in and out and cross-scheduling between many layers of family and friends. I swear, they don't know how to just BE in a home environment and they never have company to their messy houses... it's like just being at home and socializing is completely foreign to them. The reason our house is cozy and clean and smells good and is full of friends is because I'm busy AT HOME, making it that way. They get so offended by my doing what I always do in our home. They like BEING here; they just don't DO anything here. They think guests are supposed to be paid homage by way of being looked at or something. Exclusively.

/end rant. They've been here recently, obviously. :P
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Old 04-18-2019, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
21,177 posts, read 11,797,310 times
Reputation: 32193
So you choose to spend holidays with your EX in-laws over your parents. And when you do (seemingly somewhat grudgingly) invite your parents over for a partial celebration, you create a bizarre dynamic where you will prepare a meal and sit and watch them eat while you sip a cup of coffee.

I think your mother is sincere when she says she'd rather skip it and just go to the diner, but I don't think it's because she's actually ok with the way things are, it's because she doesn't want to deal with it all and is taking the path of least resistance.
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