Leaving parents in holidays (brother, sister, husband, siblings)

[Pattyswind]

Originally Posted by emm74

So you choose to spend holidays with your EX in-laws over your parents. And when you do (seemingly somewhat grudgingly) invite your parents over for a partial celebration, you create a bizarre dynamic where you will prepare a meal and sit and watch them eat while you sip a cup of coffee.

I think your mother is sincere when she says she'd rather skip it and just go to the diner, but I don't think it's because she's actually ok with the way things are, it's because she doesn't want to deal with it all and is taking the path of least resistance.

I choose to go where it's the most festive. That would be my sister in laws. Happy and uplifting vs. Awkard silence. There isnt a whole lot of conversation when my parents do come, and my mom has anxiety and usually is pacing around the house and after a few hours is in a big hurry to leave anyway. It's just not enjoyable.

[Jezku]

my Mom told me "You're an adult; it's your choice how to celebrate" but it didn't stop 'wishful thinking' arrangements that my parents were forced to accommodate in their own situation.
i learned to take her input to heart and resist attempts to 'organize' my birthday, their birthdays, and non-consensual family holidays.



p.s. i noticed that each "family" celebration wound up being about the 'greatness' of the organizer rather than the occasion itself, so that put me off about further attempts to do this. my Mom's feedback about the issue was ignored. My Dad's "No's" were disregarded and 'full steam ahead". i don't have to continue/feed into that nonsense myself.

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

Originally Posted by Pattyswind

I choose to go where it's the most festive. That would be my sister in laws. Happy and uplifting vs. Awkard silence. There isnt a whole lot of conversation when my parents do come, and my mom has anxiety and usually is pacing around the house and after a few hours is in a big hurry to leave anyway. It's just not enjoyable.

Then do something that is enjoyable with them around the holidays.

As previously suggested, take them out to dinner. Take in a move together. Drop by and work a puzzle together. Take your Mom out to Afternoon Tea. Take your Dad to a game. Whatever you all enjoy. ...

I always say I don't mind that one of our daughters spends every freaking holiday with his family. It's her life. I don't want her to feel guilty over her choices.

But just once, I wish she wanted to spend some of the holidays with us.

[HokieFan]

Originally Posted by Pattyswind

my mom says she really doesn't mind she wants me to go wherever and have a good time

Do you think your mom really feels that way or is she just saying it to placate you?

Originally Posted by Pattyswind

Thoughts?

You're bailing on them because they're boring. It sounds like something a teenager would do. Self-absorbed and immature.

Originally Posted by emm74

So you choose to spend holidays with your EX in-laws over your parents. And when you do (seemingly somewhat grudgingly) invite your parents over for a partial celebration, you create a bizarre dynamic where you will prepare a meal and sit and watch them eat while you sip a cup of coffee

I agree. I wonder if OP deliberately made it a bizarre dynamic hoping her parents would decline or if she's oblivious to the bizarreness.

[Pattyswind]

No, not oblivious. My ex and I are divorced but still have a relationship. I hosted holidays for years, my parents always came and I always made them feel welcome. They never reciprocated. Things have changed for me the last few years. Mentally and physically. Like I said previously, I struggle with depression. I welcome the opportunity to get out and socialize. Thanks to everyone for the feedback.

[nobodysbusiness]

Go out with them the day before - bring flowers and candy and be a charming host of the dinner!

And if they need it, bring them prepared foods for the holiday the next day or order DoorDash for them.

Make it nice for them AND go where you want on "the day."

[Pattyswind]

Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness

Go out with them the day before - bring flowers and candy and be a charming host of the dinner!

And if they need it, bring them prepared foods for the holiday the next day or order DoorDash for them.

Make it nice for them AND go where you want on "the day."

Thank you.. 😊

[JonathanLB]

I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggles with this haha. My dad throws a tantrum if I even talk about not spending a holiday with him, but I’ve been with my fiancé for 7.5 years and we’re getting married on the 8th anniversary this year! It’s ridiculous. I did tell him finally last year in a fire and brimstone email that I’m sick of this childish attitude and I’m going to spend Christmas Eve with my fiancé’s family because that’s the day they celebrate most, it’s also her uncle’s birthday, and they celebrate birthdays together so mine is also in December and that means I miss them celebrating my birthday every year too. My family never did anything significant on Xmas eve so no clue why it was made into such a big deal.

No matter because we are moving to another state so when I visit for the holidays it’ll be a week probably or 5 days anyway and we’d stay at my dads house so I doubt he would complain given I’m there for the whole time haha. Families can be so annoying sometimes though, we still realize we never get to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas Day together because of our families. Well not for a long time anyway, my dad is 76 but he’s healthy as a horse and more active than ever, he’ll make it until 100 at this rate (which would be great, of course). I’ve just kind of accepted that holidays aren’t about me, they’re about appeasing everyone and while that’s not my usual personality I’m generally ok with it. Except my birthday, I’ll do whatever I want and if anyone has a problem with that I will use profanity in telling them where they can shove their opinion just so it’s clear how little I care about their views on my day.

[Forever Blue]

(It's a LONG story too, but) my future in-laws (including brothers & sister-in-laws) are ALL narcissistic a-holes & my fiance's at the point where he's done w/ them too...YES, his OWN family, so I'm glad I probably won't have to see those #&*($^# ever again!

Grown adults should be able to do what they heck they want on holidays!!!...without getting any guilt trips put on them by anyone.

I've always liked going out of town on vacation for holidays...not to visit anyone in particular, but just to enjoy a vacation. Can't you ever do that?! You know, Hawaii for Christmas or Thanksgiving in New York, for example?

I'd also glad that I never had the type of mother/parents who expected me to be at their house OR do a certain thing every darn holiday! Here's things I've done on holidays (w/o regret):

- stayed home all day w/ good food & watch TV
- go to the movies
- go to an amusement park
- go on vacation as I said above
- Christmastime in Vegas
- go to the beach...I did that & the mall & movies just on Easter a few days ago (did go to church the day before)

[littlerosa]

For holidays, which aren't really a big deal to me, I've always put my parents first--even after I got married. Christmas Eve=his parents, Christmas day=my parents; Thanksgiving dinner=my parents, dessert=his parents (sometimes); Easter dinner=my parents, dessert=his parents (sometimes). They're my parents and I'm not going to leave them alone for a holiday. I have five brothers and sisters, but that's a WHOLE OTHER STORY! And my husband has no problem with how I like to spend the holidays.

Just don't let petty crap come between you and your parents. I lost my Dad a year and a half ago, and I'm so glad that I spent so much time with him--WAY more than any of my sh***y siblings.