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Old 04-15-2019, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Central NJ
30 posts, read 19,577 times
Reputation: 37

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I always get invited to my in laws for the holidays. My other relatives have stopped inviting my parents the last few years. Long story short..... should I be feeling guilty because I want to go to my in-laws where it's festive and fun and I don't want to just sit home with just my parents on a holiday? my parents actually like to go out to the diner for a meal on a holiday and my mom says she really doesn't mind she wants me to go wherever and have a good time but part of me is feeling a bit guilty. No they cannot come to my in-laws with me. Thoughts?
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Old 04-15-2019, 09:27 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,005 posts, read 17,327,635 times
Reputation: 41276
There are several possibilities. You can spend some holidays with your parents and some with your spouse's parents (that is what most couples do). You can invite your parent's and other relatives to your house (or do it with your parents at their house). You can celebrate some holidays at your house and invite both sets of parents (I know several couples that do it that way). Your spouse can ask that their in-laws be invited for the holiday celebration with his/her family I know couples that do this- they even invite siblings and other family members from both sides). You can celebrate the holidays on different days and get to celebrate with both sets of parents (such as Easter dinner on Saturday with your parents and Easter dinner with your spouse's parents on Sunday).

You and your spouse can help make it "festive and fun" no matter who you spend the holidays with.


Your mom may say that she doesn't care but I bet that she feels hurt and neglected if you spend ALL of the holidays with your spouse's family. How would you and your spouse feel if your children were adults and they spent ALL of the holidays with their spouse's parents and never spend holidays with you and your spouse?

Last edited by germaine2626; 04-15-2019 at 09:37 PM..
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Old 04-16-2019, 08:03 AM
 
12,887 posts, read 15,421,155 times
Reputation: 14847
I believe your mother...she doesn't mind.
Go with that....quit feeling guilty...you can still visit with them any time...can't you?
Your parents might even enjoy the peace and quiet...the solitude....
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:15 AM
 
794 posts, read 334,169 times
Reputation: 2442
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pattyswind View Post
I always get invited to my in laws for the holidays. My other relatives have stopped inviting my parents the last few years. Long story short..... should I be feeling guilty because I want to go to my in-laws where it's festive and fun and I don't want to just sit home with just my parents on a holiday? my parents actually like to go out to the diner for a meal on a holiday and my mom says she really doesn't mind she wants me to go wherever and have a good time but part of me is feeling a bit guilty. No they cannot come to my in-laws with me. Thoughts?
Your parents already told you: They're fine. Go and have a festive time.

My husband and I aren't terribly festive about holidays except for looking forward to going nowhere and enjoying that holiday's spread. It's an all-day, relaxing buffet and anyone who wants to come over may... or won't. We don't care. We really just want to chill. We are TOTALLY a damper on my in-laws' holidays because they're all about tablescapes and activities and everything being done just so and are all worried about who's coming or not and why and seating arrangements and we... just don't care. We each grew up in families where holidays were a HUGE deal and had our fill then. WHEN we've gone to their holiday gatherings, even our kids were amazed at the... activity. It's not relaxing and enjoyable for us at all so we leave everyone else to do their own. We do, however, always have an open-house for the evening. Whoever wants to stop in for drinks, coffee, tea, desserts, platters of treats, etc. can but we don't go anywhere. Staying home means no one gets offended that we went to one house over another relative. They ALL have been offended, at certain points in the beginning when they realized we were serious, but not caring goes a long way. :P Holidays are great. Friends and family with a similar demeanor come and hang out with us too.

Go, don't feel remotely guilty, and have a good time. Your parents will, regardless. They don't feel like they're missing out... they're doing what THEY prefer and have said so.
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:19 AM
 
20,524 posts, read 16,605,258 times
Reputation: 38530
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pattyswind View Post
I always get invited to my in laws for the holidays. My other relatives have stopped inviting my parents the last few years. Long story short..... should I be feeling guilty because I want to go to my in-laws where it's festive and fun and I don't want to just sit home with just my parents on a holiday? my parents actually like to go out to the diner for a meal on a holiday and my mom says she really doesn't mind she wants me to go wherever and have a good time but part of me is feeling a bit guilty. No they cannot come to my in-laws with me. Thoughts?
Can you go out to the diner with your parents the day before the holiday? We often do this with my mom for Motherís Day. The crowds are much lighter the day before a holiday too, and you get the full menu not some special Motherís Day or Easter menu with only a few things to choose from.
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:29 PM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,653 posts, read 28,672,666 times
Reputation: 43651
If all they want is to go out to dinner, go out to dinner with them on other occasions. Birthdays, President's Day, national Dill Pickle Day, whatever. That way they won't feel neglected.


Maybe if they are TV watchers, you take a picnic meal to their house to watch the Olympics or a sporting event, or a movie. I suspect that they don't want to cook.
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Old 04-16-2019, 04:54 PM
 
13,160 posts, read 20,776,233 times
Reputation: 35407
Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
Your parents already told you: They're fine. Go and have a festive time.

My husband and I aren't terribly festive about holidays except for looking forward to going nowhere and enjoying that holiday's spread. It's an all-day, relaxing buffet and anyone who wants to come over may... or won't. We don't care. We really just want to chill. We are TOTALLY a damper on my in-laws' holidays because they're all about tablescapes and activities and everything being done just so and are all worried about who's coming or not and why and seating arrangements and we... just don't care. We each grew up in families where holidays were a HUGE deal and had our fill then. WHEN we've gone to their holiday gatherings, even our kids were amazed at the... activity. It's not relaxing and enjoyable for us at all so we leave everyone else to do their own. We do, however, always have an open-house for the evening. Whoever wants to stop in for drinks, coffee, tea, desserts, platters of treats, etc. can but we don't go anywhere. Staying home means no one gets offended that we went to one house over another relative. They ALL have been offended, at certain points in the beginning when they realized we were serious, but not caring goes a long way. :P Holidays are great. Friends and family with a similar demeanor come and hang out with us too.

Go, don't feel remotely guilty, and have a good time. Your parents will, regardless. They don't feel like they're missing out... they're doing what THEY prefer and have said so.
Amen to this. Believe your parents OP. There are many of us with adult kids who are over the holiday hoopla. A quiet day with my husband is all I want now. Of course, if any of my sons and DILs/SOs wanted to come here I'd rally to put on a traditional show, but so far the big holidays are reserved for the families of the ladies they have chosen. And, it's FINE, I consider it a win-win. We've made the effort for years, and it's a total relief to give it up.
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:31 PM
 
18,347 posts, read 23,510,540 times
Reputation: 34397
holidays run deep with all of us....
its hard for one to access situations at face value..

you clear out all the emotional attachments.....it wont be so bad
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:55 PM
 
978 posts, read 298,329 times
Reputation: 2136
Quote:
my parents actually like to go out to the diner for a meal on a holiday and my mom says she really doesn't mind she wants me to go wherever and have a good time
Your mom have been saying this, but does she mean it? Are your parents too polite?

Quote:
Your mom may say that she doesn't care but I bet that she feels hurt and neglected if you spend ALL of the holidays with your spouse's family. How would you and your spouse feel if your children were adults and they spent ALL of the holidays with their spouse's parents and never spend holidays with you and your spouse?
^^^This ^^^.

Also what is up with your in-laws? Wouldn't they realize this wasn't right?
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Old 04-17-2019, 09:50 PM
 
1,181 posts, read 350,933 times
Reputation: 3714
Is it impossible for you to host a holiday?

What about rotating who you spend holidays with?

Are your in-laws long distance? Is it out of the question to have the main meal with one set of parents and dessert with the other?
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