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Old 04-24-2019, 01:51 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,823 posts, read 2,385,077 times
Reputation: 2665

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
I could have written your thread! The only difference is that none of my fiance's siblings ever stayed w/ us. I really feel for you & completely understand. My fiance' has 3 horrendously narcissistic siblings AND BOTH of his parents are the same as well. He's just now recently been fed up w/ most of them (& most recently even his own mother), but before he "saw the light" about them, it was frustrating as I know you are, seeing his siblings treat him (my fiance') in a horrendous way. You can even look up some threads I started on this board about my fiance's family, in fact, read here & you'll see what I mean:

BF's Smug Family Wants to Throw a Surprise Birthday Party...Great!

My Future MIL...Eh / So-So (kinda long)

Being Black Sheep of Family in Very POSITIVE Way...Thoughts

Sadly Dreading My Own Wedding Whenever it Finally Comes...Here's Why

(The last thread above about dreading my own wedding is definitely no longer a concern since they won't be invited.)

Until your husband finally gets fed up w/ being treated like $#!t & puts his foot down, unfortunately, there's not much you can do & I know it's aggravating to have to watch from the sidelines!

I'm so glad my fiance's finally through w/ them!!! But he gave them way, way, way too many chances if you ask me, but I guess better later than never.

Now, UNLESS his relationship w/ his no-good brother is becoming a detriment to YOUR marriage & you give him an ultimatum, then there's not much you can do. Does he spend time w/ his brother often to where he's not spending the time he should w/ YOU or is the brother often hanging out at your house? If so, that's bad & you have the right to do something in that case.
Thank you for understanding 😊. No I hardly see my BIL. Part of what hurts my husband is that he doesn’t return calls or texts. I see it as a blessing 😎
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Old 04-24-2019, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,407 posts, read 8,101,732 times
Reputation: 5040
^ Sure thing! My fiance' ONLY has 5 other immediate fam members & he's done w/ them ALL, but they did it to themselves, not that they're crying about it. They've all got the same narcissistic, smug, idiotic, immature, attention-starving, lying, conniving, vile, vindictive, sadistic, etc. character. He's NOTHING at all like them & I'm not just saying that because he's my fiance'. It's true.
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Old 04-24-2019, 08:32 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,539 posts, read 1,731,020 times
Reputation: 10196
The answer is acceptance of your brother-in-law, with all of his faults.

He is your husband's family.

Just get over yourself and your need to control him.

Let your husband enjoy his company and just let it all go.

Life is not "fair."
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Old 04-25-2019, 10:19 AM
 
3,230 posts, read 1,522,126 times
Reputation: 3568
Actually, no f! The BIL. He should be mature, and show respect for family,which you are. But you,hubby and kids are 1 unit,1 family,takes preference to all. Your hubby should put BIL in check, or keep em away from you. Hubby should defend you always over BIL.
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Old 04-25-2019, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Southern California
5,407 posts, read 8,101,732 times
Reputation: 5040
Quote:
Originally Posted by kapikap View Post
Actually, no f! The BIL. He should be mature, and show respect for family,which you are. But you,hubby and kids are 1 unit,1 family,takes preference to all. Your hubby should put BIL in check, or keep em away from you. Hubby should defend you always over BIL.
You're 200% right! Even in the marriage vows, that one line that says, "...forsaking ALL others..." means everyone: Friends, past girlfriends/boyfriends, other family members, etc. are no longer the priority because you're now marrying in which it's now one's OWN family then. Even each spouse's OWN MOTHERs/PARENTs take the "back seat".

Your husband sorry to say is being kind of wussy & acting all afraid of his brother. I wish your husband would get tough & cuss his @s$ out, then distance himself from him to the point that one day, you guys just never see him (brother) again. NOW that would be a GOOD husband who truly loves & respects HIS wife & kids & puts them 1st, not walk on eggshells for his b@$t@rd of a brother.

My fiance' w/o hesitation put his OWN mother in check because of how she had treated me once in the past & I'll forever love him for his genuine love & support!
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Old 05-15-2019, 06:50 AM
 
Location: New Jersey
1,823 posts, read 2,385,077 times
Reputation: 2665
Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
You're 200% right! Even in the marriage vows, that one line that says, "...forsaking ALL others..." means everyone: Friends, past girlfriends/boyfriends, other family members, etc. are no longer the priority because you're now marrying in which it's now one's OWN family then. Even each spouse's OWN MOTHERs/PARENTs take the "back seat".

Your husband sorry to say is being kind of wussy & acting all afraid of his brother. I wish your husband would get tough & cuss his @s$ out, then distance himself from him to the point that one day, you guys just never see him (brother) again. NOW that would be a GOOD husband who truly loves & respects HIS wife & kids & puts them 1st, not walk on eggshells for his b@$t@rd of a brother.

My fiance' w/o hesitation put his OWN mother in check because of how she had treated me once in the past & I'll forever love him for his genuine love & support!
My husband has certainly put his brother in place on SEVERAL occasions, trust me! But he will always make the effort since he does not have a lot of family and in the past he was very close with his brother. A couple of weeks ago we had some friends over, and somehow the subject of his brother came up. My husband finally admitted his brother is not a good person...he's finally accepting that he has turned into a total disrespectful piece of crap. I don't know if this means he won't try to invite him to things anymore...I think he always will try to invite him, but I said it before & I'll say it again, we only have to see him a handful of times a year so that's good.
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Old 05-15-2019, 01:59 PM
 
3,230 posts, read 1,522,126 times
Reputation: 3568
Most people don't want to create waves with their parents family, but there is no reason to avoid the wave when it comes your way.ride the wave and dominate it.
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Old 05-15-2019, 03:00 PM
 
16,990 posts, read 20,591,236 times
Reputation: 33956
Quote:
Originally Posted by SWFL_Native View Post
Jesus Christ.. “rent free for 3 weeks” WTF do you want? We’re not talking about an extended period of time here and he’s family. If you can’t stay with your brother for 3 weeks then that is pretty sad. I get it if he was there for 6 months or more and not contributing.

OP I think you have some unresolved issues you need help with. You’re babbling on about a karaoke room and 3 weeks of staying with you....
Exactly, at first I thought she must have meant 3 months...LOL.

And why on earth is the OP offended they weren't invited to the brother's girlfriends birthday party? If she doesn't like them that should be a relief.

I get the feeling someone enjoys drama.

The two brothers could just see each other socially, and the OP doesn't have to go, and just limit contact with the BIL if and when the whole family gets together for holidays.
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Old 05-15-2019, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,407 posts, read 8,101,732 times
Reputation: 5040
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrsydevil82 View Post
My husband has certainly put his brother in place on SEVERAL occasions, trust me! But he will always make the effort since he does not have a lot of family and in the past he was very close with his brother. A couple of weeks ago we had some friends over, and somehow the subject of his brother came up. My husband finally admitted his brother is not a good person...he's finally accepting that he has turned into a total disrespectful piece of crap. I don't know if this means he won't try to invite him to things anymore...I think he always will try to invite him, but I said it before & I'll say it again, we only have to see him a handful of times a year so that's good.
Seeing any of my future in-laws even a handful of times a year is way too often for fiance' & I, but that's definitely a step in the right direction for YOU 2, it sounds. Re: my situation, when dating my (now) fiance', I went w/ him to a family get together or two when we started dating, but I they weren't warm, welcoming, kind, OR ANY of the positive adjectives you can look up in a dictionary, so I limited myself. I never actually counted, but I'd say I went w/ him to about 10 gatherings of his fam's throughout a TON of yrs & I don't regret it. He did go to a lot by himself, but I'm so glad he's seen the light now about them.

Now, he's cut himself from them ALL...most VERY recently as in w/i these last 2 weeks, his OWN mother, which he realized never really loved him. She's said a couple of despicable & telling remarks to him very recently on top of all the other horrendous actions throughout the yrs.
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Old 05-15-2019, 06:45 PM
 
794 posts, read 217,976 times
Reputation: 2197
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
I get that you are mad on your husband's behalf, but if he is ok enough with his brother that he keeps him around, then there is not much you can do.

Now, if you feel the brother is a threat to your kids, you can insist he not be allowed in the house or around them.

My FIL's asshat wife (not my MIL - this is my wife's stepmother) was rude, dismissive, cruel, and downright nuts to them as kids and her behavior has not improved. She is a vicious gossip and may also be addicted to prescription drugs.
On my insistence, our kids go nowhere near her, she cannot set foot in our house, and my FIL basically had to come hat in hand asking for forgiveness for letting her treat everyone like that (by himself) in order to see his grandkids. He is now welcome here; she is not.

If that is similar to your situation, you might could put your foot down.
If it is just your hubby, who is ok with being treated crappy, I suspect you can't do anything.
The problem is, it looks like OP is also expected to interact with and deal with this guy. Has to watch her husband hurt. Possibly has their finances affected by this guy. Might see all of their friends alienated if bro continues to act like a rube at their parties.

If OP never had to see or hear about the dude, her husband agreed to never say a word about him and never give him any money or pay for him on anything or invite them to gatherings with people OP wants to remain friends with, I might agree with you, but it's not just OP's husband suffering because of this guy.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
The asking to invite a friend part, not rude.
.
Of course it's rude. Why would it be acceptable to bring a friend to a family member's party-- a friend who I assume does not even know OP or her husband and therefore has no reason to be at OP's husband's birthday party-- to eat and drink and have fun on someone else's dime?


Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
Having guests pay for a party isn't typical from my experience. It would NEVER occur to me to PAY THE HOST for hosting. If you can't afford a party, don't have a party.

Inviting someone to someone else's party is rude.

And you're right to stop going out of your way to include his brother. If BIL wants to come around, he'll make it happen. If your husband wants to invite your brother to something, he can extend the invitation himself.
Why might friends not treat him on his birthday? Consider it as them throwing the party if it makes you feel better. We don't know the circumstances; it could be he simply said "we were thinking about karaoke" and all of the friends said "that sounds great! We'll contribute to that!" OP never said they called up all their friends and said "hey we're having a party, here's the price of admission."

And if the rule is always to be "if you can't afford a party, don't have a party," then some people will have precious few opportunities to see their friends. I value the opportunity to spend time with people more than I value the fact that they might foot the bill.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC View Post
Who knows why he had to invite the other friend - maybe his new girlfriend is really uncomfortable with people she doesn't know well, and so she brought a friend? Maybe that's why you weren't invited to her birthday celebration?
That's what she has HIM for. Or, it won't kill her not to go if she thinks she won't like the atmosphere. "Y'know, I won't know anybody, I'll feel awkward, you go and have fun, tell your brother and sister-in-law I said hi, and eat some cake for me." Or, she can suck it up like an adult and hang out with people she doesn't know for a couple hours in order to support a family member. I hate small talk with strangers as much as the next person-- or rather, probably much more-- but I deal with it in order to go to events important to friends and family members.
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