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Having guests pay for a party isn't typical from my experience. It would NEVER occur to me to PAY THE HOST for hosting. If you can't afford a party, don't have a party.
Inviting someone to someone else's party is rude.
And you're right to stop going out of your way to include his brother. If BIL wants to come around, he'll make it happen. If your husband wants to invite your brother to something, he can extend the invitation himself.
Having guests pay for a party isn't typical from my experience. It would NEVER occur to me to PAY THE HOST for hosting. If you can't afford a party, don't have a party.
Inviting someone to someone else's party is rude.
And you're right to stop going out of your way to include his brother. If BIL wants to come around, he'll make it happen. If your husband wants to invite your brother to something, he can extend the invitation himself.
For something formal like a Baby Shower, you're not expected to chip in, but for a night out/dinner/drinks/karaoke for a birthday in the city, you chip in.
I've been to more of those types that I can count and nobody expects to foot the bill by themselves.
Also, back in my party days, inviting other people out to parties was not only welcome, it was expected, especially because it was a way to meet new members of the opposite sex, and not hang with the same old shmos, having the same conversations...
Of course, if you're 40, and its a more intimate party, then it might be a little more inappropriate, but he did ask beforehand. OP easily could have said no.
For something formal like a Baby Shower, you're not expected to chip in, but for a night out/dinner/drinks/karaoke for a birthday in the city, you chip in.
I've been to more of those types that I can count and nobody expects to foot the bill by themselves.
Also, back in my party days, inviting other people out to parties was not only welcome, it was expected, especially because it was a way to meet new members of the opposite sex, and not hang with the same old shmos, having the same conversations...
Of course, if you're 40, and its a more intimate party, then it might be a little more inappropriate, but he did ask beforehand. OP easily could have said no.
All meeting out for birthday drinks/dinner/a night out? That's meeting up and paying your own way. Reserving a room/having something catered is not something I would ever expect to pay for. I'd order and pay for my own drinks but it would never occur to me to ask how much the room was and what my share of paying for it was. My job is to show up, celebrate the person, and bring a gift. Generally, we all chip in so the celebrated person pays for nothing. So, I don't "blame" the BIL for not asking about chipping in for the room. That said, when you've been invited to a party, you don't ask if your friends can also come. Sometimes, it's fine (like meeting up in a public place or having a HUGE party at home where one more really doesn't matter) but often, it just puts the host in a bind where they want to say no but don't want to seem like a jerk.
But yes, the OP could have just said no.
A lot of problems are easily avoidable by saying no. People don't like to do it. :/
[quote=LieslMet;54956198]That said, when you've been invited to a party, you don't ask if your friends can also come. Sometimes, it's fine (like meeting up in a public place or having a HUGE party at home where one more really doesn't matter) but often, it just puts the host in a bind where they want to say no but don't want to seem like a jerk.
Typically, when I bring somebody to a party , event, or gathering (and granted my days of partying are done), I think it's because they will add to the party and make things more fun for the others there.
If that person is going to throw a fit because they think it's bucking social convention, then those people can let me know, and I'll remember who those people are and never invite anybody else when I hang out with them.
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OP, your husband is in a sad spot here with his brother, and it's not going to be helpful if you are also nasty about his brother and make it known you aren't going to put up with him silently anymore.
I think the ONLY thing he did wrong here, is roll his eyes at the other guests. That's awful, and merits someone telling him that making fun of other guests is not acceptable.
Who knows why he had to invite the other friend - maybe his new girlfriend is really uncomfortable with people she doesn't know well, and so she brought a friend? Maybe that's why you weren't invited to her birthday celebration?
You husband needs to grow some balls and stop contact with his brother..period.It seems that this brother has been like this for all of their lives and YET your husband keeps allowing the guy to treat him and you and you guys friends' like this??The only way YOU can be done with this is if you get a divorce from your husband because it sounds like he will NOT let go of this terrible excuse of a sibling.Your husband will have to do this in order for you BOTH to not ever having to deal with this in-law(his brother) again.It wouldn't be the end of the world if you guys did this.Just because he's a relative, it doesn't give him the right to behave in the manner he's been acting...which has probably been most of his life.You guys don't live with this brother in law so cut him loose.If your husband isn't willing to do this...then you know what your next move might have to be.
You sounds like you are way beyond your limit with having to deal with him.
Typically, when I bring somebody to a party , event, or gathering (and granted my days of partying are done), I think it's because they will add to the party and make things more fun for the others there.
That's up to the host, to decide who will "add to the party and make things more fun for the others there." That's why a host invites some people and not others.
Quote:
If that person is going to throw a fit because they think it's bucking social convention, then those people can let me know, and I'll remember who those people are and never invite anybody else when I hang out with them.
Saying NO to a rude guest is not throwing a fit and I don't think they would mind being excluded by someone who thought it was.
eta: When I threw my husband a huge birthday party, I invited his friends... some of whom were co-workers, past and present. Some of those co-workers called me up and said something like, "It seems like you didn't invite M or [insert name here]..." And I would say, "That's right." And let that silence linger. We had our reasons for not inviting them, some of them having to do with wanting people we like to not be given a hard time by people we don't really know or care about. I don't want to have a discussion about it and gossip over other people's situations. It was enough to just not invite them. If they want to hang out with that person/those people, they can do so on their own time... make their own plans.
You rented an expensive venue and your guests indicated that they were willing to pitch in. Did you tell BIL and his entourage that they are expected to pay to go to the birthday party?
Three weeks of room and board in 14 years comes to 1 1/2 days per year.
OP, your husband is a loyal and generous person. Those are excellent qualities in a spouse, so be glad and appreciate him for his good heart.
Family is important to him and his brother is his family. Unfortunately, in the lottery of life, he wasn't given a good brother and he just has to deal with the cards he was dealt. I suggest that you stay out of their relationship as much as you can, but don't make it any more difficult for your husband if you can avoid it. He's already having a difficult time with his brother.
On this paying for the party thing: it was agreed before hand that friends would contribute to the cost of the room, so you can ignore all the people claiming that their share should have been paid by the birthday boy.
It would be OK, if you mention cost sharing at the time the brother invites himself and his friends. "Yes, dear BIL, you are welcome. Everyone has agreed in advance to contribute $20 to the rent for the room, so be sure to let your friends know that is expected of them" (then don't get your hopes up)
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Reserving a room/having something catered is not something I would ever expect to pay for. I'd order and pay for my own drinks but it would never occur to me to ask how much the room was and what my share of paying for it was. My job is to show up, celebrate the person, and bring a gift. Generally, we all chip in so the celebrated person pays for nothing. So, I don't "blame" the BIL for not asking about chipping in for the room. That said, when you've been invited to a party, you don't ask if your friends can also come. Sometimes, it's fine (like meeting up in a public place or having a HUGE party at home where one more really doesn't matter) but often, it just puts the host in a bind where they want to say no but don't want to seem like a jerk. 
