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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 6 days ago)
35,627 posts, read 17,953,728 times
Reputation: 50650
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The fact that he's an otherwise very entertaining guy, and you enjoy him a lot, to me, allows for some accommodation.
People who otherwise add a lot to an event, I'm willing to put up with irritating things like lateness, or flakiness.
People who I don't like to begin with, I don't accommodate.
I do think, that in the first instance, if he wanted to go out at 6 instead of 7 for the mutual friend's birthday, he should have texted the group, or the birthday guy, and not you? THAT bugs me. If someone wants to make changes, don't call one person and make them do the interceding for what they want to happen.
Having said that, I really like plans to be settled. If the plan is for the 8 of us to go to Chef Drop Out for happy hour at 5:30, and everyone agrees, it bugs me that someone will pipe up and say, much later, "well, there's another bar that might be just as good. Should we go there instead?" And then hours later someone says I can't get there til 8:30, save me a seat.
OP, being cooped up all week, and wanting to go out, is a very lame reason for wanting to re-orchestrate your gathering, or for wanting everyone to change their plans to suit him. It's ridiculous. So he's been cooped up; he can politely decline the invitation, or he can go out a different night. It's rude. Stand your ground, and stop accommodating this Prima Dona. Next time he does that, just say something like, "I'm sorry you're not happy with the arrangements as they are. We'd love to have you join us, but you're free to opt out." End of discussion.
The problem is that your friend is a very self-absorbed person who seems to assume that everything is about him, and feels entitled to control everyone around him by making every event all about what he wants to do.
If you enjoy being yanked around in that kind of dynamic all the time, keep reinforcing his behavior by agreeing to his "suggestions". If you don't want to be manipulated like that, then every time he tries it just say "no, that's not what I was planning to do" and leave it at that. Eventually, he'll learn that he can't control you in this manner, and move on to other people he can easily control. And the only thing you'll have lost is a selfish person in your life.
"That sounds like fun, friend. I'm planning this one and we are doing it the way I planned it and you plan the next one and pick out the time and place"
or
"I'm not the one planning the party, so I can't change it. I'm sure it would be OK if you leave early"
or my son's stock answer
"I think we will leave things just like they are"
I suspect that he won't move on if he can't suggest changes. He'll just go along with whatever has been planned. Don't worry about losing him as a friend, just be a bit firmer about plans. You can do that in a polite manner.
If he wants something done his way, then suggest he organize something and invite you guys. If you are planning something and you invite someone, it's on your terms. They can either come or not.
If he wants something done his way, then suggest he organize something and invite you guys. If you are planning something and you invite someone, it's on your terms. They can either come or not.
He's extremely particular and difficult regardless of the circumstances. He seldom hangs out, as he's either working a gig (bartender) or doesn't want to go out (home body). And when you do ask him to go out, there's a lot of huffing and puffing about whether he wants to or not. Sometimes he'll show up, or sometimes he'll try to hi-jack the invitation like in this case. Most of the time, he just says 'no' to our invitations.
Everything needs to be on his terms as far as socializing goes. That's why I've been contemplating dropping him as a friend. Fun or not, it's annoying to deal with him. I don't think friendships should be this difficult.
I know exactly the kind of person you're talking about.
A friend of my fiancee announced that our reception was going to be too short, and that he was going to call the venue and extend it.
I called the venue and made it clear that he was not a decision maker and that I was not responsible for any plans he made or costs incurred. I guess this isn't as rare as you might think; they said they'd just tell him the place was not available.
I have a friend, not a close friend but someone I was trying to become closer with, who has a terrible habit of hi-jacking invitations to events. What I mean by this is that he'll be invited to something, and then strongly contest that things be re-arranged for his liking.
Last week, we had a get together for a mutual friend's birthday. The initial plan was for everyone to meet at 7pm. Well, this friend calls me up and complains about the time, and requests that we re-schedule for 6pm so he doesn't have to be out as late. While I thought it was rude, I figured there was no harm in asking the group. They agreed that they could meet at 6pm. And we ended up out until 10pm anyway.
This week, I invite him and another friend to come over so we can watch some playoff hockey at my house. I've had a busy weekend, and we are planning on going out of town this next weekend, so I planned on just having them come over to my place so we could drink and eat on the cheap and in comfort on my sectional. He again reaches out and says that he wants to go out to the bar instead, because he has been cooped up for awhile and wants to get out. At this point, I was about to just rescind the invite and exclusively ask my other friend to come over instead. But I tried playing nice, and told them it all depends on how I feel at the end of the week, and I will let them know closer to Friday.
I'm getting tired of him hi-jacking these invitations and trying to get us to plan around his schedule or preferences. I've been tempted to stop inviting him to things. Is it worth even addressing, or would it be reasonable just to slowly distance myself from him? He's an otherwise an entertaining friend to hang with, he's just extraordinarily particular and stubborn when it comes to making plans.
The bolded part. Why on earth do you want to get closer to him?
This is someone you keep at a distance, and if he wanted to change the time for the group birthday dinner than you should have let him contact everyone involved, not do it for him.
You did mention at the end of your post about distancing yourself from him, that is what you should do, he isn't going to change.
I have a friend that does this all the time, it drives me absolutely crazy. We have about seven women that we organize a girls night out. Each time this one woman will try to alternate plans last minute. Whether it is a change of venue, time or date. Literally every. single. time.
I got fed up and scheduled our GNO night for the second Wednesday of each month. If you can go, go, if not, we are not changing it.
Anywho, enough about me people who do this drive me crazy. If you are just starting a friendship, hold firm on your plans. Hopefully he'll stop asking.
The bolded part. Why on earth do you want to get closer to him?
This is someone you keep at a distance, and if he wanted to change the time for the group birthday dinner than you should have let him contact everyone involved, not do it for him.
You did mention at the end of your post about distancing yourself from him, that is what you should do, he isn't going to change.
We're in a difficult situation in our lives where friendships have been sparse. We're in our early 30s, late 20s. People are moving on with their lives, starting families, etc. We met this guy through our co-ed softball league, and he's been an interesting component to our friend group. He's not great, obviously, but I had been trying to help break him out of his shell. We have fun when we do happen to get together. But, to your point, it clearly doesn't seem to be making a difference.
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people who do this drive me crazy. If you are just starting a friendship, hold firm on your plans. Hopefully he'll stop asking.
