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Old 04-16-2019, 06:10 PM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,647,765 times
Reputation: 13548

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
All you have to do is say No. "No- that's not going to work for me." And let the silence linger in the air. He can make his own plans. He can choose to come or to not come.

Him: "I'd rather go out to the bar instead... I've been feeling cooped up!"

You: "Well, have a good time! If you change your mind, you know where I'll be! lol"

Stop accommodating his whims.


Or if he feels rather cooped up just say, "Hey if you want to arrange another night to go out let me know."
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:12 PM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,647,765 times
Reputation: 13548
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
We have talked about it. He acknowledges he is difficult in this area. He also acknowledges that he has lost most of his friends due to this behavior. He is aware, yet he refuses to change. How do you fix that? Because I can't think of a way.
Not your job to fix it. Fix yourself and stop letting him do this. If you made plans stick to them and stop enabling him to hijack your plans.
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:29 PM
 
12,666 posts, read 7,572,129 times
Reputation: 23889
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
My issue isn't about how to fix this guy, it's about how best to go about dealing with him as it relates to inviting him to things.
You invite him, and of it doesn't work for him, then at least you tried.


He wants to go to the bar instead of your house?

"Have fun, maybe we can get together next week."

Wants to change the time of an event?

"That's not going to work. You'll just have to meet up with us later/ leave earlier."

Or you could just say "No." No is a complete sentence, and you shouldn't have to offer and explanation as to why the invitation is not changing if this is already something you've talked about before.
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:29 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,964 posts, read 5,315,071 times
Reputation: 18021
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
I have a friend, not a close friend but someone I was trying to become closer with, who has a terrible habit of hi-jacking invitations to events. What I mean by this is that he'll be invited to something, and then strongly contest that things be re-arranged for his liking.

Last week, we had a get together for a mutual friend's birthday. The initial plan was for everyone to meet at 7pm. Well, this friend calls me up and complains about the time, and requests that we re-schedule for 6pm so he doesn't have to be out as late. While I thought it was rude, I figured there was no harm in asking the group. They agreed that they could meet at 6pm. And we ended up out until 10pm anyway.

This week, I invite him and another friend to come over so we can watch some playoff hockey at my house. I've had a busy weekend, and we are planning on going out of town this next weekend, so I planned on just having them come over to my place so we could drink and eat on the cheap and in comfort on my sectional. He again reaches out and says that he wants to go out to the bar instead, because he has been cooped up for awhile and wants to get out. At this point, I was about to just rescind the invite and exclusively ask my other friend to come over instead. But I tried playing nice, and told them it all depends on how I feel at the end of the week, and I will let them know closer to Friday.

I'm getting tired of him hi-jacking these invitations and trying to get us to plan around his schedule or preferences. I've been tempted to stop inviting him to things. Is it worth even addressing, or would it be reasonable just to slowly distance myself from him? He's an otherwise an entertaining friend to hang with, he's just extraordinarily particular and stubborn when it comes to making plans.
You thought it was rude but you still asked the group to change for him. I would drop both of you.
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:31 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,964 posts, read 5,315,071 times
Reputation: 18021
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict View Post
Just invite him and tell him what the start time/location is. Dont give him room to negotiate. It is easy enough to say - Were all meeting at Joes bar for Petes birthday on Friday @ 6:30pm. Wed love to see you there. If youre not available then, maybe we can do something another time. Or Im having a little get together to watch the game on Sunday, Id love it if you could come over at around 5pm. Dont act like there is any room for negotiation.
I don't know any guys that would use the word "love" like that.
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:40 PM
 
Location: South Australia
374 posts, read 96,777 times
Reputation: 880
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
I have a friend, not a close friend but someone I was trying to become closer with, who has a terrible habit of hi-jacking invitations to events. What I mean by this is that he'll be invited to something, and then strongly contest that things be re-arranged for his liking.

Last week, we had a get together for a mutual friend's birthday. The initial plan was for everyone to meet at 7pm. Well, this friend calls me up and complains about the time, and requests that we re-schedule for 6pm so he doesn't have to be out as late. While I thought it was rude, I figured there was no harm in asking the group. They agreed that they could meet at 6pm. And we ended up out until 10pm anyway.

This week, I invite him and another friend to come over so we can watch some playoff hockey at my house. I've had a busy weekend, and we are planning on going out of town this next weekend, so I planned on just having them come over to my place so we could drink and eat on the cheap and in comfort on my sectional. He again reaches out and says that he wants to go out to the bar instead, because he has been cooped up for awhile and wants to get out. At this point, I was about to just rescind the invite and exclusively ask my other friend to come over instead. But I tried playing nice, and told them it all depends on how I feel at the end of the week, and I will let them know closer to Friday.

I'm getting tired of him hi-jacking these invitations and trying to get us to plan around his schedule or preferences. I've been tempted to stop inviting him to things. Is it worth even addressing, or would it be reasonable just to slowly distance myself from him? He's an otherwise an entertaining friend to hang with, he's just extraordinarily particular and stubborn when it comes to making plans.
It's Ok to say no.

If he's a friend worth having, he'll accept. If not, no loss.
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Old 04-16-2019, 06:55 PM
 
780 posts, read 205,031 times
Reputation: 1134
Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
You thought it was rude but you still asked the group to change for him. I would drop both of you.
Yes, I am evil for trying to be accommodating to my friends.

Where do some of you people get your thought processes from? Honestly...
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:54 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,964 posts, read 5,315,071 times
Reputation: 18021
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
Yes, I am evil for trying to be accommodating to my friends.

Where do some of you people get your thought processes from? Honestly...
By asking your friends to change plans, especially when you know he is always doing that.


You have to learn to say no!
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Old 04-16-2019, 07:59 PM
 
780 posts, read 205,031 times
Reputation: 1134
Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
By asking your friends to change plans, especially when you know he is always doing that.


You have to learn to say no!
Yeah, I get that. But there was also no fault on me to ask the group if they wouldn't mind changing. I was just doing a courtesy (don't shoot the messenger). All they had to say is 'no', too, if it didn't work out.

I'm not the jerk here. He is!
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Old 04-16-2019, 08:17 PM
 
2,971 posts, read 2,754,608 times
Reputation: 6574
Seems by all your description of this 'friend' that he is an inflexible entitled type with too particular ways of socializing i.e. when he does it's all about him. I would discontinue efforts.

If you want to be nicer about it you could try to spell it out for him and then next time just say, "we're going to be going to xx event if you care to join us you are welcome - but do not make any changes.

Curious if this person's value add is based on his bartender stories of other people? It reminds me of an acquaintance long ago. He had few personal stories of his own experience to share but rather other peoples. He was only entertaining in short infrequent contact, otherwise he was a boor and inflexible. Bartenders tend to be sounding boards / quasi psychologist's listening to others tales and is great story material for those who live vicariously through others.
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