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Old 04-16-2019, 08:31 PM
 
780 posts, read 203,266 times
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Big step today. I reinforced that I will be staying at home Friday, and the two people I invited (including this friend) are welcome to come over if they wish. I put the foot down, and both have agreed to come over to my place as originally planned.
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Old 04-16-2019, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
9,138 posts, read 2,998,035 times
Reputation: 13779
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
I mean, the ultimate plan is still to stay home and watch the game. I was just keeping the option open in case I had a change of heart later in the week. As of yesterday, I was not in the mood to think about going out. However, that may change later in the week. That's all that is about.
Your friend probably learned how to do this as a boy, by manipulating his parents, who indulged him. His concept of his own importance in the scheme of things, would likely be difficult to undo. It all depends on how important he is to you as a friend, whether you keep enabling his behavior.
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Old 04-16-2019, 10:40 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,024 posts, read 21,732,170 times
Reputation: 22196
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
We have talked about it. He acknowledges he is difficult in this area. He also acknowledges that he has lost most of his friends due to this behavior. He is aware, yet he refuses to change. How do you fix that? Because I can't think of a way.
You donít fix it. You just donít bend to it. Tell him you appreciate his input, this is what the plans are, he can join or not.
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Old 04-17-2019, 01:42 AM
 
966 posts, read 314,852 times
Reputation: 1601
"No thank you!"

I use this phrase all. the. time. Works like a charm!
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:50 AM
 
795 posts, read 334,547 times
Reputation: 2447
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
Big step today. I reinforced that I will be staying at home Friday, and the two people I invited (including this friend) are welcome to come over if they wish. I put the foot down, and both have agreed to come over to my place as originally planned.
That's great!

Prepare yourself for a sob story from the Hijacker though, come Friday. Maybe a favorite aunt has died or he just saw that an ex-girlfriend - THE ONE! - is getting married or [insert mildly tragic event here]. He will be a MESS and can't handle going anywhere EXCEPT [insert his alternative plan here].

Stand firm. "Oh wow. So sorry to hear about that, buddy! If you want to unwind, you know where we'll be... hang in there!"
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Old 04-17-2019, 09:21 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,603 posts, read 70,482,002 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
We have talked about it. He acknowledges he is difficult in this area. He also acknowledges that he has lost most of his friends due to this behavior. He is aware, yet he refuses to change. How do you fix that? Because I can't think of a way.
You don't try to fix it. You just be real; when he asks for a change of venue or time, tell him the group has already agreed on the time and place, and it wasn't easy getting everyone onto the same page, so they're sticking with it. He can come or leave at whatever time he needs to; there's no requirement to start when everyone else starts, or to stay to the end. And regarding your plans to have an event at home, tell him the truth; you're too tired at the end of the week to go out, everyone just wants to relax in private, and veg in front of a game on TV. Everyone wants to cocoon together, not go out, and be on display somewhere. "We'll understand if this isn't your cup of tea. We'll plan to go out next time."


The idea is, if you're consistent about this, he won't have any choice but to either accept the arrangements, or choose not to attend. He'll still get invitations, so he'll know the group hasn't written him off, but it will force him to either take it or leave it, as is. Eventually, when it sinks in, that a line has been drawn in the sand that he can't crash or redraw, he may drop the behavior. Currently, he has no incentive to change, because you all keep indulging him.
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Old 04-17-2019, 11:01 AM
 
780 posts, read 203,266 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
You don't try to fix it. You just be real; when he asks for a change of venue or time, tell him the group has already agreed on the time and place, and it wasn't easy getting everyone onto the same page, so they're sticking with it. He can come or leave at whatever time he needs to; there's no requirement to start when everyone else starts, or to stay to the end. And regarding your plans to have an event at home, tell him the truth; you're too tired at the end of the week to go out, everyone just wants to relax in private, and veg in front of a game on TV. Everyone wants to cocoon together, not go out, and be on display somewhere. "We'll understand if this isn't your cup of tea. We'll plan to go out next time."


The idea is, if you're consistent about this, he won't have any choice but to either accept the arrangements, or choose not to attend. He'll still get invitations, so he'll know the group hasn't written him off, but it will force him to either take it or leave it, as is. Eventually, when it sinks in, that a line has been drawn in the sand that he can't crash or redraw, he may drop the behavior. Currently, he has no incentive to change, because you all keep indulging him.
You’re right. We’re (I’m) going to start being more firm with him. We were trying too hard to accommodate, but this has only caused us distress.
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Old 04-17-2019, 11:08 AM
 
Location: North Idaho
22,669 posts, read 28,685,250 times
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One thing that occurs to me: if he is a professional bartender, maybe any sort of drinking event isn't fun for him because that is what he does for work.
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Old 04-17-2019, 01:24 PM
 
780 posts, read 203,266 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
One thing that occurs to me: if he is a professional bartender, maybe any sort of drinking event isn't fun for him because that is what he does for work.
I was the one that proposed staying at home. He said he wanted to go to the bar.
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Old 04-17-2019, 01:40 PM
 
795 posts, read 334,547 times
Reputation: 2447
At some point, I would nickname the HiJacker as such, to his face. "DUDE. EVERY time people make plans, you end up wanting to change them. I'm going to start calling you HiJacker! 'Hi! I'm Jack and would like to change your plans!' <LOL>" Maybe make him a little sticker so he can be branded. He'll love it. It's more attention. (And it will be a good warning to others. "Hey- my name is Robert but my friends call me Jack - because I'm always hijacking their plans. Hahahahaaaaa")
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