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Old 04-21-2019, 08:33 AM
 
20,551 posts, read 16,619,414 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
I have a friend, not a close friend but someone I was trying to become closer with, who has a terrible habit of hi-jacking invitations to events. What I mean by this is that he'll be invited to something, and then strongly contest that things be re-arranged for his liking.

Last week, we had a get together for a mutual friend's birthday. The initial plan was for everyone to meet at 7pm. Well, this friend calls me up and complains about the time, and requests that we re-schedule for 6pm so he doesn't have to be out as late. While I thought it was rude, I figured there was no harm in asking the group. They agreed that they could meet at 6pm. And we ended up out until 10pm anyway.

This week, I invite him and another friend to come over so we can watch some playoff hockey at my house. I've had a busy weekend, and we are planning on going out of town this next weekend, so I planned on just having them come over to my place so we could drink and eat on the cheap and in comfort on my sectional. He again reaches out and says that he wants to go out to the bar instead, because he has been cooped up for awhile and wants to get out. At this point, I was about to just rescind the invite and exclusively ask my other friend to come over instead. But I tried playing nice, and told them it all depends on how I feel at the end of the week, and I will let them know closer to Friday.

I'm getting tired of him hi-jacking these invitations and trying to get us to plan around his schedule or preferences. I've been tempted to stop inviting him to things. Is it worth even addressing, or would it be reasonable just to slowly distance myself from him? He's an otherwise an entertaining friend to hang with, he's just extraordinarily particular and stubborn when it comes to making plans.

All you have to do is be firm and say no. Say, "Well, I am not changing it, but maybe we can watch the next one together". Talk to you later". If you sit there and negotiate and offer up all these reasons, it just becomes circular. Don't give reasons why you want it at home, just say "I am not changing it. If you want to come the game starts at 7, if not we''ll catch up another time." If he asks why, say because you don't want to. You don't need reasons that make sense to him.
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Old 04-21-2019, 08:55 AM
 
9,662 posts, read 4,553,619 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
Yeah, I get that. But there was also no fault on me to ask the group if they wouldn't mind changing. I was just doing a courtesy (don't shoot the messenger). All they had to say is 'no', too, if it didn't work out.

I would disagree. You were doing to them exactly what he was doing to you. You feel annoyed that this guy even asks you to change your plans. Simply passing his request to your other friends is creating the same issue for them that the first friend created for you. Sure, all they had to do is say no, and all you had to do is say no. You're expecting them to do what you could not.
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Old 04-21-2019, 09:15 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,624 posts, read 70,508,089 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
All you have to do is be firm and say no. Say, "Well, I am not changing it, but maybe we can watch the next one together". Talk to you later". If you sit there and negotiate and offer up all these reasons, it just becomes circular. Don't give reasons why you want it at home, just say "I am not changing it. If you want to come the game starts at 7, if not we''ll catch up another time." If he asks why, say because you don't want to. You don't need reasons that make sense to him.
This. OP, basically what your friend told you, is that he doesn't want to come to your event. Your event is a home-based one, not a going-out one. Maybe you only posted that one as an example, rather than to ask for advice, as the resolution is pretty straightforward. He's not interested in a hangout-at-home event, so he can pass on this one.
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Old 04-21-2019, 09:30 AM
 
Location: Wilmington, NC
1,935 posts, read 347,984 times
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Ugh ... There is someone in my friendship group who does this too. It's hard to schedule a good time for six or seven people to get together, and just when we find a mutually convenient date, time and place, this person begins chipping away at the plans via group text.

"If we meet at 6:30 instead of 6 we won't run into as much traffic."
"This other restaurant is closer."
"Or would anybody rather go for lunch instead of dinner?"

Usually somebody responds affirmatively which just reinforces the behavior and makes it harder to say NO.

It has gotten to the point where I don't want to even be involved in any of the planning. Just tell me where to show up and when, and I'll try to be there.
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Old 04-22-2019, 07:09 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,433 posts, read 8,147,856 times
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OK, so he agreed to come over THIS ONE time. Most people would say big deal. Come back & update us after the NEXT 10-20 events & let us know if he asked to make any changes...then maybe he's STARTED to change.

He needs to get off his high horse & either go w/ the flow or not have ANY friends at all. I'm not saying he can never ask to make a change, but he does it way too often & that was when you were FIRST getting to know him. Even if you knew him for 20 yrs already & he started this habit, people grow tired of that real fast.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
We have talked about it. He acknowledges he is difficult in this area. He also acknowledges that he has lost most of his friends due to this behavior. He is aware, yet he refuses to change. How do you fix that? Because I can't think of a way.
Back when you said this, I was going to say, apparently he hasn't lost enough friends to still change. Who needs him!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve McDonald View Post
Your friend probably learned how to do this as a boy, by manipulating his parents, who indulged him. His concept of his own importance in the scheme of things, would likely be difficult to undo. It all depends on how important he is to you as a friend, whether you keep enabling his behavior.
I agree. Way too many people have enabled him throughout his life, so he now has this horrendous habit & it shaped him to be an ENTITLED NARCISSIST. Asking nicely to SLIGHTLY change plans once every 10th time is 1 thing, but asking to change things every darn time there's an event is entitled narcissism!
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Old 04-22-2019, 07:15 PM
 
780 posts, read 203,493 times
Reputation: 1134
Quote:
Originally Posted by oceangaia View Post
I would disagree. You were doing to them exactly what he was doing to you. You feel annoyed that this guy even asks you to change your plans. Simply passing his request to your other friends is creating the same issue for them that the first friend created for you. Sure, all they had to do is say no, and all you had to do is say no. You're expecting them to do what you could not.
No good deed goes unpunished, that is the moral here. You try to be accommodating, and that makes you a bad guy. At any rate, this has been long over. The party happened weeks ago. And I put my foot down about going out last week, and the friend came over to my house instead.

So at this point, all this other feedback is noise. I've got it figured out, and I don't need any more criticism about how I suck at friendship.

Thanks, all!
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Old 04-22-2019, 07:19 PM
 
Location: Hampstead NC
5,578 posts, read 5,096,158 times
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I used to do that at work. Whatever plan anyone made, I had an idea I preferred. I worked fairly hard to mold things to my agenda. Sometimes ridiculously so.

I think it was out of basic insecurity and anxiety. I felt that my opinion didn't matter. And also that I needed to have some sort of control over each situation or I would get more anxious (this is after a long history of being pushed around by people and feeling overlooked. and also, being raised by perfectionists...). I still get anxious when I don't have a chance to share my POV or idea or something i think is important. It doesn't really matter any more if I get my way, I just want to be heard. I have come to learn over time that my way isn't the perfect way, and that many other ways can work out really well. I just had to learn patience, as well as learn to let go of my artificial notions of perfection.

I wish people had been more direct with me, as Lieslmet suggested. I think it would have helped me figure things out sooner. Or maybe not.

So to the OP, I can suggest that your friend has some social anxiety or ordinary anxiety. If he feels he can have some control over the situation, he is more comfortable. If you stand your ground with him, he will have to choose to participate or not participate and deal with his anxiety.
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Old 04-23-2019, 03:11 AM
 
1,965 posts, read 958,731 times
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In This Topic:

"I make it easy for folks to walk all over me and then complain when folks walk all over me."

Why are what would appear to be adults so afraid of speaking up for themselves, so terrified of offending the offender?
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Old 04-23-2019, 03:13 AM
 
1,965 posts, read 958,731 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke View Post
"That sounds like fun, friend. I'm planning this one and we are doing it the way I planned it and you plan the next one and pick out the time and place"


or


"I'm not the one planning the party, so I can't change it. I'm sure it would be OK if you leave early"


or my son's stock answer


"I think we will leave things just like they are"



I suspect that he won't move on if he can't suggest changes. He'll just go along with whatever has been planned. Don't worry about losing him as a friend, just be a bit firmer about plans. You can do that in a polite manner.
Nice. You raised a Man with a backbone.
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Old 04-23-2019, 10:05 AM
 
Location: planet earth
4,820 posts, read 1,835,435 times
Reputation: 10718
So weird when people complain about friends like these without saying ANYTHING to them, like "What is your problem?" "No, we are not changing plans to suit you're whims." "Grow up - the world does not revolve around you." "Are you a narcissist?"

Etc., etc.
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