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Old 04-16-2019, 09:37 AM
 
780 posts, read 202,959 times
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I have a friend, not a close friend but someone I was trying to become closer with, who has a terrible habit of hi-jacking invitations to events. What I mean by this is that he'll be invited to something, and then strongly contest that things be re-arranged for his liking.

Last week, we had a get together for a mutual friend's birthday. The initial plan was for everyone to meet at 7pm. Well, this friend calls me up and complains about the time, and requests that we re-schedule for 6pm so he doesn't have to be out as late. While I thought it was rude, I figured there was no harm in asking the group. They agreed that they could meet at 6pm. And we ended up out until 10pm anyway.

This week, I invite him and another friend to come over so we can watch some playoff hockey at my house. I've had a busy weekend, and we are planning on going out of town this next weekend, so I planned on just having them come over to my place so we could drink and eat on the cheap and in comfort on my sectional. He again reaches out and says that he wants to go out to the bar instead, because he has been cooped up for awhile and wants to get out. At this point, I was about to just rescind the invite and exclusively ask my other friend to come over instead. But I tried playing nice, and told them it all depends on how I feel at the end of the week, and I will let them know closer to Friday.

I'm getting tired of him hi-jacking these invitations and trying to get us to plan around his schedule or preferences. I've been tempted to stop inviting him to things. Is it worth even addressing, or would it be reasonable just to slowly distance myself from him? He's an otherwise an entertaining friend to hang with, he's just extraordinarily particular and stubborn when it comes to making plans.
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:46 AM
 
1,195 posts, read 799,367 times
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Stop giving into him all the time, let him know that you have a busy week ahead and this night you are staying home and he is welcome to come over if he changes his mind.
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:46 AM
 
Location: northern New England
2,439 posts, read 1,059,176 times
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He thinks he can get away with it because you let him. I would have said, "Have a nice time at the bar." Sorry, but the people who want to "be nice" are the ones who get walked on. Why isn't HE trying to be nice?
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:54 AM
 
780 posts, read 202,959 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by VTsnowbird View Post
He thinks he can get away with it because you let him. I would have said, "Have a nice time at the bar." Sorry, but the people who want to "be nice" are the ones who get walked on. Why isn't HE trying to be nice?
I mean, the ultimate plan is still to stay home and watch the game. I was just keeping the option open in case I had a change of heart later in the week. As of yesterday, I was not in the mood to think about going out. However, that may change later in the week. That's all that is about.
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:54 AM
 
356 posts, read 83,219 times
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OMG, I have had one or two people in my life (to some degree) ever since college (25+ years ago) who are like that.

In college it was like 10 minutes after settling in at the pub they would want to go to the next bar, then the next one, then the next one. The whole night was spent navigating getting from here to there and in transit. Felt like no time to even settle in and friggin enjoy it.

Then I discovered in early adulthood that it's a "type" and the venues and situations might change but the dynamic doesn't. They just can't seem to settle in and when you bring it up, I found they often react with subtle condemnation of you being too rigid or non-spontaneous. Yeah, nope.

I have gotten to the point for the past several years where basically for some events I try to organize I go in with the mindset that I'd be perfectly OK being alone at this event if my friends somehow can't handle it as-is. Not all events, mind you, but ones/situations like the one you described about the hockey game. I find it disarms the situation now insofar as I still enjoy myself whether they are or not.

I do think it has something to do with short attention spans and a chronic need for stimulation but that's another topic.
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Old 04-16-2019, 10:07 AM
 
794 posts, read 334,169 times
Reputation: 2442
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
I have a friend, not a close friend but someone I was trying to become closer with, who has a terrible habit of hi-jacking invitations to events. What I mean by this is that he'll be invited to something, and then strongly contest that things be re-arranged for his liking.

Last week, we had a get together for a mutual friend's birthday. The initial plan was for everyone to meet at 7pm. Well, this friend calls me up and complains about the time, and requests that we re-schedule for 6pm so he doesn't have to be out as late. While I thought it was rude, I figured there was no harm in asking the group. They agreed that they could meet at 6pm. And we ended up out until 10pm anyway.

This week, I invite him and another friend to come over so we can watch some playoff hockey at my house. I've had a busy weekend, and we are planning on going out of town this next weekend, so I planned on just having them come over to my place so we could drink and eat on the cheap and in comfort on my sectional. He again reaches out and says that he wants to go out to the bar instead, because he has been cooped up for awhile and wants to get out. At this point, I was about to just rescind the invite and exclusively ask my other friend to come over instead. But I tried playing nice, and told them it all depends on how I feel at the end of the week, and I will let them know closer to Friday.

I'm getting tired of him hi-jacking these invitations and trying to get us to plan around his schedule or preferences. I've been tempted to stop inviting him to things. Is it worth even addressing, or would it be reasonable just to slowly distance myself from him? He's an otherwise an entertaining friend to hang with, he's just extraordinarily particular and stubborn when it comes to making plans.
All you have to do is say No. "No- that's not going to work for me." And let the silence linger in the air. He can make his own plans. He can choose to come or to not come.

Him: "I'd rather go out to the bar instead... I've been feeling cooped up!"

You: "Well, have a good time! If you change your mind, you know where I'll be! lol"

Stop accommodating his whims.
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Old 04-16-2019, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,017 posts, read 17,327,635 times
Reputation: 41286
Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
All you have to do is say No. "No- that's not going to work for me." And let the silence linger in the air. He can make his own plans. He can choose to come or to not come.

Him: "I'd rather go out to the bar instead... I've been feeling cooped up!"

You: "Well, have a good time! If you change your mind, you know where I'll be! lol"

Stop accommodating his whims.
Great points.
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Old 04-16-2019, 12:01 PM
 
7,375 posts, read 11,542,544 times
Reputation: 8174
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir Quotes A Lot View Post
I have a friend, not a close friend but someone I was trying to become closer with, who has a terrible habit of hi-jacking invitations to events. What I mean by this is that he'll be invited to something, and then strongly contest that things be re-arranged for his liking.

Last week, we had a get together for a mutual friend's birthday. The initial plan was for everyone to meet at 7pm. Well, this friend calls me up and complains about the time, and requests that we re-schedule for 6pm so he doesn't have to be out as late. While I thought it was rude, I figured there was no harm in asking the group. They agreed that they could meet at 6pm. And we ended up out until 10pm anyway.

This week, I invite him and another friend to come over so we can watch some playoff hockey at my house. I've had a busy weekend, and we are planning on going out of town this next weekend, so I planned on just having them come over to my place so we could drink and eat on the cheap and in comfort on my sectional. He again reaches out and says that he wants to go out to the bar instead, because he has been cooped up for awhile and wants to get out. At this point, I was about to just rescind the invite and exclusively ask my other friend to come over instead. But I tried playing nice, and told them it all depends on how I feel at the end of the week, and I will let them know closer to Friday.

I'm getting tired of him hi-jacking these invitations and trying to get us to plan around his schedule or preferences. I've been tempted to stop inviting him to things. Is it worth even addressing, or would it be reasonable just to slowly distance myself from him? He's an otherwise an entertaining friend to hang with, he's just extraordinarily particular and stubborn when it comes to making plans.
The first one is a little odd. There were occassions in the past where we as a group did work our schedule around one person because that person was going to be the 'glue of the event' or one of the lives of the party. But other than that, screw it, that person can come or they can not.

The second scenario is pretty common. Me and my one friend will argue about where to meet up and then he'll say that his other friend is coming out and wants to do this instead. And then we negotiate what we end up doing. Especially if it's something like a sporting event, there would be some back and forth on the actual location and circumstances.

I mean, if he's generally fun to be around, then I don't think it's a big deal really. At the end of the day, you guys are dudes, and you can always say, "Dude, this is where we'll be. You'll be there or you won;t be."
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Old 04-16-2019, 12:28 PM
 
1,530 posts, read 1,436,059 times
Reputation: 11175
Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
All you have to do is say No. "No- that's not going to work for me." And let the silence linger in the air. He can make his own plans. He can choose to come or to not come.

Him: "I'd rather go out to the bar instead... I've been feeling cooped up!"

You: "Well, have a good time! If you change your mind, you know where I'll be! lol"

Stop accommodating his whims.


^^^^^^^^ This. Excellent advice. This sets firm boundaries without being aggressive or confrontational. He then has the option to accept or decline on your terms, not his. If he persists in trying to rearrange your plans to suit himself, just continue to repeat the "No, that's not going to work for me" part. Do not offer reasons or excuses as that will only give him an opening for rebuttal. Tell him "No" and stop talking.


Boundaries.
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Old 04-16-2019, 01:20 PM
 
1,401 posts, read 548,092 times
Reputation: 3101
What you need to do is tell him what you've told us..that you're tired of him hi-jacking these events to suit him and that it is very rude.Wait for his response and then if he refuses to understand...then drop him and move on.There will always be people out in the world like your friend who keeps getting away with this type of behavior because no one else has the guts to tell him/her to their faces about their rude behavior BUT instead chooses to accept it...but still want to keep complaining about it.
He's been doing this because you and others have allowed this behavior to go on.Just tell him how you feel.
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