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Old 04-24-2019, 06:59 AM
Location: Coastal New Jersey
55,712 posts, read 54,294,792 times
Reputation: 65935



Another book that may help.

When I was reading this, I had it on my desk at work. EVERYONE who saw it stopped and exclaimed, "I should read this!" Male, female, gay, straight, black, white, a woman born in India...
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Old 04-24-2019, 10:28 PM
Location: Southern California
5,413 posts, read 8,117,294 times
Reputation: 5045
Originally Posted by Pbonnibel86 View Post
OP here: I appreciate all the advice and best wishes. I think I've know my whole life that I do give my mom this power over me, the therapy is helping. I'm going to keep it up and work on creating boundaries.
So you live in ANOTHER whole state from your mother AND yet you still feel she has this hold over you because you've enabled this in your mind.

I feel for you & hope things quickly improve!!! It's time to really change & move on. You're 33 now & life is very short as it is. Don't move back home where she is. You don't have to depend on her for anything right? So if she's this controlling, live your life & have fun & finally BE HAPPY.

Are you an only child or does she control your other siblings like this too & of so, what do they do about the way she is?

Sure, have your pleasant chats w/ your mom when you do, but the minute she starts lecturing or telling you what you need to do, tell her firmly that you're going to end the phone call if she continues to tell you what to do next. If you have to, decrease the amount of times you talk to her too, so if you talk to hear daily, cut it down to 3 times a week OR if you normally talk once a week, do it every other week...until you can really see that she's changing & improving.

If you keep this up for EVERY future phone call & visit, she'll get the message. You should have been doing this already for the last 10+ years. Have you been doing this? How often do you actually see her? How often do you talk on the phone?

I wish you well!
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Old 04-24-2019, 11:23 PM
Location: Silicon Valley
18,012 posts, read 22,791,367 times
Reputation: 34933
I eventually had to cut all contact with my mom when I was in my 40's. Everyone has to make their own decisions, but for the record, that's what I had to do. My mother was extremely critical, etc., and I was never going to please her. Lots more to the story of course, but cut all contact when I was around 40 because I couldn't reason with her, after tons of therapy, even.
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Old 04-25-2019, 08:58 AM
Location: State of Transition
78,174 posts, read 70,090,509 times
Reputation: 76003
Originally Posted by Pbonnibel86 View Post
Yes! "Co-dependent" is the perfect word to describe it. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up so we only had each other until I met my ex husband and then once that was over she was back in 100%. I'm definitely going to get some books this weekend. Thank you!
This explains the "my mother has been my whole life" comment, at age 33. It's very unusual for one's mother to be one's "whole life" at anywhere near that age, and it's not healthy. You have some work ahead (which you seem to be proceeding with) to individuate from your mom, and naturally, she won't take it well. Be sure you're making the right decision, moving away with this guy; be sure you're deciding for the right reasons, and that you know him well enough. Will you be able to find a job in the new location? If so, start building yourself a safety-net, a savings account, right away, in case the relationship doesn't work out.
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