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Old 04-16-2019, 01:59 PM
 
Location: Illinois
5 posts, read 1,784 times
Reputation: 22

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I always have to prepare myself when writing about my mother. I want to try to be respectful and also get my point across. I'm 33 years old and 5 months ago I move from my home town to another state to live with my cousins. I got divorced last September, after being married for 5 years and with my ex total for 12 years. I dated a guy for 6 months right after who ended up being totally wrong for me and life was kind of sucking so I needed to get away and start something new. My mother was totally against the move because she came here 5 years ago and it didn't work for her, so she assumed it would not work for me. It's been rough so far. I've had some very bad days and some really good days. My mother is incredibly controlling. She has been my whole life. She's also very manipulative, judgmental and is a major hypocrite. I know now that she's not changing at 53 years old. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I have no relationship with my dad. Since moving out here, I feel free of my mother. We're not fighting as much because we don't talk everyday and I'm learning to not tell her every little detail of my life.



I was considering going back home and of course, my mother was ecstatic. She is renting a big house and I can help her with her side business and cleaning and go to shows with her. She already had my future planned out where she is in total control. That sent me running the other way and I realized that going home has to be a LAST RESORT or else I'll go insane living with her. It also made me realize that I would never leave if I went home. I just know it and now that I'm out I don't want to go back. I know when she says stuff that she means well. I know she cares and loves me, but she does not listen. She has her opinion, which she views as fact and has imposed that on me always.



Now, I've met someone and it's going really really well. He's planning to leave the state and if I eventually decided to go with him I know my mom will have a fit. She's not the type of mom to go, "I'm worried about this choice you're making." She'll go, "No. You're not going! End of story." As if I'm 16. She says dating is childish. "Running around with boys." No answer is ever good enough for her. I would basically have to cut her off anytime she brought it up because nothing I say will be good enough. No reason is good enough. It's wrong. Everything I say is wrong and the idea of it is absurd.
- I just wanted to add, this person I'm currently with is different than any guy I've been with. I can feel the difference. It feels healthy and I'm confident about it. I was miserable with my ex husband for years. I wasn't happy right away after the divorce, but now I feel free of that life and I'm much happier than I was. I feel like people move on in their own time. The hardest part for me was not necessarily moving on from him, but the life I got used to. I've worked with a therapist for a long time now to help me with some of the hang ups and trust issues. I'm still working through it.


I love my mom, but at the same time I'm so frustrated with always worrying that my decisions are somehow effecting her.

Last edited by Pbonnibel86; 04-16-2019 at 02:11 PM.. Reason: Add info
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:08 PM
 
1,226 posts, read 522,472 times
Reputation: 2236
You do you girl
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:15 PM
 
795 posts, read 335,454 times
Reputation: 2451
Tell her that you're an adult and you get to make your own decisions, good or bad, now. That you will hang up the phone when she starts railing on you.

And then do that. Block her number for the rest of the day. She'll get the point, soon enough.

Also, get a few books on boundaries. You seem very co-dependent and I think she may have reason to treat you like a child... buck her off, along with everyone else, and learn to make your own choices FOR YOU.
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Fuquay Varina
4,563 posts, read 6,649,763 times
Reputation: 11315
You have to make your own choices and your own mistakes in life.
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:18 PM
 
3,997 posts, read 3,221,666 times
Reputation: 13016
People can't control you unless you let them. When you figure out the problem is you and not her, you're life will be much better.
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:18 PM
 
Location: Illinois
5 posts, read 1,784 times
Reputation: 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by LieslMet View Post
Also, get a few books on boundaries. You seem very co-dependent and I think she may have reason to treat you like a child... buck her off, along with everyone else, and learn to make your own choices FOR YOU.

Yes! "Co-dependent" is the perfect word to describe it. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up so we only had each other until I met my ex husband and then once that was over she was back in 100%. I'm definitely going to get some books this weekend. Thank you!
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:23 PM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,643,583 times
Reputation: 13548
Let her rant, you don’t have to justify yourself defend yourself, or explain anything. There is no need to even remind her your an adult, sheesh! She starts to rant on saying what she thinks you should do you simply change the subject or say it’s time to get off the phone. There doesn’t have to be drama and confrontations, or cutting off. You hear these snide comments just say NOTHING and leave a pregnant pause, and then move onto another subject.
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Old 04-16-2019, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
4,430 posts, read 4,293,413 times
Reputation: 5220
I wonder if she's also a narcissist like my Mother was. If so, there's a book called "Will I ever Be Good Enough" that is a worthwhile read. Even is she's not a true narcissist, its still helpful.
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Old 04-16-2019, 04:14 PM
 
6,205 posts, read 2,865,717 times
Reputation: 15721
as stated from an old movie...you see us as you want to see us. this holds true for both your moms' perspective and yours. Break out of this mindset, stop the non sense that people can't change. Thru out YOUR life you will change....What makes you so sure your Mother is not able?

I had my angst phase with my Mom, so I get that its a process to mature out of.

Your Mom knows you better then you know yourself....How she chooses to display or cherish that knowledge does leave the door open for reconsideration.

I'd suggest a bit more therapy to motivate different avenues to communicate with this parent who seems controlling.
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Old 04-16-2019, 04:20 PM
 
13,678 posts, read 13,594,180 times
Reputation: 39893
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I wonder if she's also a narcissist like my Mother was. If so, there's a book called "Will I ever Be Good Enough" that is a worthwhile read. Even is she's not a true narcissist, its still helpful.
Yeah, you don't have to diagnose anyone. My mother has strong narcissistic tendencies (as does my father), but mom takes it another step further. The guidelines for dealing with "high conflict personalities" and people with untreated Borderline Personality Disorder have offered the most effective advice. I have no idea what her clinical diagnosis would be, but I had to shop around to find strategies that were effective.

Of course, now it's all "no contact" and that's been amazingly freeing.
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