Self-Entitled sister-in-law, or was I wrong bringing it up nicely (gossip, grandmother)

[LieslMet]

Originally Posted by Kayekaye

Yes it can be difficult for deaf to be on their own. Especially if their parents didn’t participate in understanding Deaf Culture and the realities of being deaf instead of making them fit into the hearing world. If you get any SSI you have access to a social worker or counselor. In my state you may even qualify for housing allowance. I don’t know your circumstances and you don’t have to explain them all here. But maybe you should look into the government benefits you might be qualified to get.

The insensitivity you are being subjected to is appalling. We should be better than this by now in America. I am assuming you are in the USA because so many other nations are more enlightened concerning deaf than we.

She didn't bring up being "deaf" until well into the thread.

Being hard of hearing (she can hear enough to overhear conversations) doesn't excuse her having a conniption about a parking spot she can't park in because there's a car there once a week... by nieces/nephews she didn't mention once. They're not close, okay. She works. She drives. She has friends. She just doesn't have a good relationship with her family.

It's hard for her to hear some things... and while that can make certain things more difficult, it shouldn't be the crutch that explains everything negative someone does. My brother has Down's. He's a very clever jerk and part of why is that every negative behavior he does is excused by his having Down's. His therapists agree it's ridiculous. They (my family/his caretakers) have disabled him from having healthy relationships with others by excusing everything with his Down's.

If she can hear enough of what others say that is negative, she can hear enough to foster a good relationship. They don't mesh because of a personality/compatibility issue; not a hearing issue.

[Spuggy]

It seems your disabilities are compounding an already difficult situation. You are hurt but it looks to me that you are picking fights and making it worse.
I don’t propose you try to placate relatives who don’t feel close to you (I have the same situation with my dil ) but instead just get on with your life and leave it be.
As it is you are the one making their lives miserable with petty complaints, kicking up a fuss , being miserable. Not exactly inspiring to anyone to include you , disabilities or not.

[ClaraC]

Originally Posted by HappyFarm34

My mom was angry with me when my SIL had told her about the parking spot issue I had. My mom started going off blaming me for causing family conflict and worried that it was going damage the family relationship. I was in tears. I couldn’t vent how someone was bothering me without being gossiped about and blamed like it was my fault. On my way upstairs to my room, my mom yelled at me “to keep the argument we had a secret”. And no, I didn’t. It’s sad having family who try to avoid conflicts at all costs just to get what they want. She knows seeing my bro n SIL, means seeing the grandkids.

I did tell my SIL and sister that I wanted to feel more included in their life. We texted briefly but who knows if that’ll change. It’s hard wanting talk to someone that’ll gossip and get you in trouble for it

I do have 1 really close friend that I can trust with my life to confide in to share my problems without worrying about getting yelled at like my feelings don’t matter.

This post is illuminating, OP.

There's a nuance here, that you're really not getting, and it seems there's an immaturity problem.

Yes, your mother wants to make her home welcoming for her daughter in law. And yes, she wants to be able to guide you in how to treat guests without having you go back and make a bigger issue by ratting her out and making it even worse for that guest.

The way you treat guests, especially treasured ones who bring your mother's grandkids with them, is better than the way you treat yourself. You signal to them that you're happy they're there, and any minor inconvenience is well worth the pleasure of their company.

These are your mother's grandchildren, not some roommates unwelcome irritating friends.

And you're not saying, "see, my car doesn't fit in that other space, where yours would", or "my car has trouble going in reverse, is why I need to park in that area". You're saying there are rodents in that other parking area, and you want her and her kids to have to deal with them, not you.

It's unlikely you'll understand what I'm saying, but this is the basis for why you can't get along with anyone else except one single friend. It's because you don't understand these nuances of relationships that everyone else understands, and you baldly say things that are selfish and self-centered.

And you won't be successful at forging better relationships until you at least learn the art of faking kindnesses even if you don't feel them.

[greatblueheron]

Guy, you need to post this in the "first world problems" aka ridiculous things to have concern over thread.

Pick your battles to fight....that's an adage because you NEED to avoid getting caught up in silly things in order to lead a good life.

[LieslMet]

Well said, ClaraC.

[HappyFarm34]

My SIL always complains about her issues to my mom via FB messaging or text. I listen being a good friend. Of course, I don’t repeat anything to my mom bc if I did, she’d be upset.

So, when I told her my issue, my SIL just had rat me out to my mom. My brother n sister rarely complain about our mom.

It made me feel betrayed. I still feel very hurt. It makes me feel not wanting to listen to her issues about my mom anymore.

edit to add: I finally told my SIL any issues she has with my mom, to deal with it on her own.

It sucks when people tell you about their issues but don’t wanna hear about yours or gossip

[Kayekaye]

Originally Posted by funymann

Wow.

Don’t you think you are overreacting a bit?

If you are not being invited it may have something to do with this kind of stuff.

Greet her and the kids happily. Don’t bring up spots where to park. They are just visiting anyways.

Stop being a Debbie downer. If you would be a less uptight person you might be invited to things.

I think YOU are the one that thinks you are self-entitled.

She works nights and may be sleeping when the other person leave. They are inconsiderate of her time schedule and visit often. Plus you may not have read the whole thread to see that being deaf is sometimes treated poorly by their own families. Unfortunately my involvement as an interpreter has led me to have seen these poor communications result in difficult family relationships for the deaf far too many times. There is more going on here than just parking.

[LieslMet]

Originally Posted by HappyFarm34

My SIL always complains about her issues to my mom via FB messaging or text. I listen being a good friend. Of course, I don’t repeat anything to my mom bc if I did, she’d be upset.

So, when I told her my issue, my SIL just had rat me out to my mom. My brother n sister rarely complain about our mom.

It made me feel betrayed. I still feel very hurt. It makes me feel not wanting to listen to her issues about my mom anymore.

edit to add: I finally told my SIL any issues she has with my mom, to deal with it on her own.

It sucks when people tell you about their issues but don’t wanna hear about yours or gossip

You mean she complains about her issues with your mother to YOU, not your mom, right?

The parking space issue is just talking. She didn't rat you out... you confronted her about something silly, like an imaginarily-assigned parking space in the driveway and she said so. If you're in the right, why would you be annoyed at all?

It sounds like your SIL was being gossipy with you. People complain about their family. It's normal. And then you had a fit about her parking in the driveway when you're not even there. Now, she's not going to want to tell you anything. If you "rat her out," which I'm sure she's somewhat expecting, the break will be complete. (Though you've pretty well lost any reputation with your mother, and telling her mean things SIL has said about her will only look like you're making it up.) But rest assured, she'll not tell you anything anymore. This whole driveway situation is a weird thing to have made a stink about.

People get to vent without it being a ::drumroll:: BETRAYAL.

(Your SIL parked in the driveway when you weren't there. This should be a non-issue.)

[HappyFarm34]

..

Originally Posted by LieslMet

You mean she complains about her issues with your mother to YOU, not your mom, right?

The parking space issue is just talking. She didn't rat you out... you confronted her about something silly, like an imaginarily-assigned parking space in the driveway and she said so. If you're in the right, why would you be annoyed at all?

It sounds like your SIL was being gossipy with you. People complain about their family. It's normal. And then you had a fit about her parking in the driveway when you're not even there. Now, she's not going to want to tell you anything. If you "rat her out," which I'm sure she's somewhat expecting, the break will be complete. (Though you've pretty well lost any reputation with your mother, and telling her mean things SIL has said about her will only look like you're making it up.) But rest assured, she'll not tell you anything anymore. This whole driveway situation is a weird thing to have made a stink about.

People get to vent without it being a ::drumroll:: BETRAYAL.

(Your SIL parked in the driveway when you weren't there. This should be a non-issue.)

Yes, that is correct LiesIMet. My SIL complains to me about my mother a few times a month. I never mentioned a word about it to my mom what my SIL has said about her. And no, I refuse tell my mom the stuff my SIL has said about her.

So, when I decided to vent to my SIL even if it was petty, she had to tell my mom about it.

My SIL hardly talks to me unless it’s gossip about someone so it’s not going bother me too much if she chooses not to talk to me

So yeah, I feel betrayed. maybe that’s why im so upset bc I never gossiped about anything she has said to my mom n I wont. Venting should be a 2-way street.

I guess if someone wants to complain about their family, it’s better to vent with someone that isn’t family.

[RamenAddict]

Originally Posted by HappyFarm34

..

Yes, that is correct LiesIMet. My SIL complains to me about my mother a few times a month. I never mentioned a word about it to my mom what my SIL has said about her. And no, I refuse tell my mom the stuff my SIL has said about her.

So, when I decided to vent to my SIL even if it was petty, she had to tell my mom about it.

My SIL hardly talks to me unless it’s gossip about someone so it’s not going bother me too much if she chooses not to talk to me

So yeah, I feel betrayed. maybe that’s why im so upset bc I never gossiped about anything she has said to my mom n I wont. Venting should be a 2-way street.

I guess if someone wants to complain about their family, it’s better to vent with someone that isn’t family.

Why is it better to vent to someone who isn’t family? Family members know other family members. They may be able to provide insight into why Mom or Aunt Jodie is doing what she is doing, while a friend is not going to have anything to contribute. A family member can also go to talk to Mom or Aunt Jodie when the problem is trivial and can easily be solved. Like if I complained to my sister that I get annoyed with my mom and her obsessive checks before a vacation and she told my mom, big deal... And then one summer well over a decade ago, my sister and I were complaining to my mom about each other and my mom had to try to mediate. Sometimes that happens too, but that isn’t going to happen unless someone acts as a mediator. I don’t consider that to be “ratting someone out.” I mean if someone said to me “You really hurt cousin Jane’s feelings last week when you did X,” I would probably consider my behavior. I wouldn’t be hurt about it nor would I feel like Jane had been betrayed.