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Old 04-18-2019, 09:39 AM
 
16,801 posts, read 14,484,200 times
Reputation: 37871

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It is beyond me why you continue to stay where you are clearly not welcomed. You constantly complain about your family's transgressions against you, but you sit there in their home like a lump.

What will it take for you to be an independent adult and not a dependent child?
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Old 04-18-2019, 09:50 AM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,626,743 times
Reputation: 13513
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
..

Yes, that is correct LiesIMet. My SIL complains to me about my mother a few times a month. I never mentioned a word about it to my mom what my SIL has said about her. And no, I refuse tell my mom the stuff my SIL has said about her.

So, when I decided to vent to my SIL even if it was petty, she had to tell my mom about it.

My SIL hardly talks to me unless itís gossip about someone so itís not going bother me too much if she chooses not to talk to me

So yeah, I feel betrayed. maybe thatís why im so upset bc I never gossiped about anything she has said to my mom n I wont. Venting should be a 2-way street.

I guess if someone wants to complain about their family, itís better to vent with someone that isnít family.
You already donít like your SIL so why share your feelings with her about family, or listen to her gossiping about family? Chill talk about an unhealthy dynamic. No need for extremes, just keep living your life and keep a polite distance.
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:03 AM
 
793 posts, read 329,406 times
Reputation: 2429
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post
She works nights and may be sleeping when the other person leave. They are inconsiderate of her time schedule and visit often. Plus you may not have read the whole thread to see that being deaf is sometimes treated poorly by their own families. Unfortunately my involvement as an interpreter has led me to have seen these poor communications result in difficult family relationships for the deaf far too many times. There is more going on here than just parking.
She can park wherever and go to sleep.

Once a week is not a burdensome visiting schedule.

Her SIL is visiting the OP's parents, not her... there is no need to clear visits with the OP's parents with the OP... she can just come home and go to sleep.

People are treated poorly by their families for any number of reasons, whether they're justified or not, "differently-abled" or not. The OP can hear enough that she latches on to everything negative said. Their relationship is what it is and it would likely be best for everyone, including the OP, if she lived with more like-minded people. Find a roommate or roommates who also share her standard expectations and pop back in to her parents' home, as she wishes. She cannot change the family she has but she can change how much they affect her routine... as we all do.

Forums all over the internet are filled with stories of family strife, disabilities or not. Some get along more than others. That is just what happens. We can control how it affects us. OP should start that process and decide what's best for her.
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:27 AM
 
946 posts, read 286,451 times
Reputation: 2067
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoisite View Post
You got suckered by a really lousy excuse.

Okay. Its was a very small thing. Like snowblowing the driveway of an elderly neighbor. Why not?
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:39 AM
 
946 posts, read 286,451 times
Reputation: 2067
My grandmother was proudly deaf. It is a very isolating experience. After awhile, I noticed my family stopped of speaking loudly when my grandmother was around. It seemed like too much work. This doubled her isolation.

Can you read lips? Do you use a hearing aid? My grandmother said hearing aid didn't help normal conversations, but she could hear everything someone was saying a few block away.

In addition to City Data, you should find an online community for deaf people. Maybe one of your doctors know a group you can join. Sometimes local hospitals will have groups for people with specific disabilities. You need to find a more stable and understanding community than your family.
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:46 AM
 
11,067 posts, read 8,477,414 times
Reputation: 27896
When did SFH come with assigned parking spots?
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Old 04-18-2019, 12:21 PM
 
12,426 posts, read 7,472,986 times
Reputation: 23289
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayekaye View Post
She works nights and may be sleeping when the other person leave. They are inconsiderate of her time schedule and visit often. Plus you may not have read the whole thread
It seems you have not read the whole thread either. The OP doesn't work nights.

Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
I work few hours in the morning.
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Old 04-18-2019, 08:00 PM
 
6,566 posts, read 3,714,892 times
Reputation: 13599
I understand what you're saying. I actually agree with you about the parking spot. Except for this: Did you ask your parents if you could claim that spot as yours, because of the easy access when you get home from work tired, and because of the rats? If you didn't, then the spot wasn't yours, really. If you did, I totally agree that your SIL's response was out of line. I can't imagine visiting my parents-in-law, and one of their kids asks me politely to leave that spot free for me, so I don't have to move my car later...I'm tired. Apparently, your brother or parents talked to her, and she agreed not to park there. So good.

I suspect part of the issue is not what you say or ask, but how you do it. Maybe not. But maybe. Just something to think about.

You also seem to care about little things too much. They matter. But in the scheme of things, maybe you can work on not expecting things to go your way much...so you'll be happy when they do. Are you the youngest sibling, maybe? Although I'm over 60, I was a middle child. I learned early on that almost NOTHING would be my way.

Finally, having scraps with family members is something all families have. It's not a big deal. People have disagreements, and then they blow over. It's the nature of families.

Gossiping and confidences: You know the old saying by a mob boss: "Two people can keep a secret, if one of them is dead." People ALWAYS tell confidences, except for special circumstances. Expect it. Once you learn that your SIL won't keep your confidences, you can still like her. You just can't tell her anything you don't want broadcast. (I've found that confidences are most often kept by very close friends, and if it's a secret that very much matters to the person telling it, or it's harmful to the person. Other than that, one person tells his close friend your secret, and that person tells HIS best friend, and so on.

I'm sure your parents love you, and vice versa. They are letting you stay there to get a break on living expenses, so that's nice of them, and provides you a good place to live in for a while. Use this time to make your life plans. When you are out on your own, it will cost you more. If you have roommates, you will have the same issues with them that you have with family...only they won't be forgiving. They'll just move out.

I can get depressed over things sometimes. What helps me sometimes is to remember, and work on: It's not about me all the time, even though I'm important. I should be assertive about things. But people don't want to be around unpleasant people. So, bpollen, focus on THEM...be happy and pleasant when they're around...it'll help you not be so bummed out, they'll want to call you more often, and you'll both have a better time. That seems to help me.

When your SIL is there, sit down, drink a cola, and try to interact. Smile. Say pleasant things...don't make things up and don't falsely flatter. But say positive things. "Wow...it's a beautiful day out there." "Did you hear about that new Minions movie starting soon? Are the kids fans of the Minions?" Etc. Then say you're tired, see ya later, and go to your room or whatever.
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Old 04-18-2019, 09:53 PM
 
6,566 posts, read 3,714,892 times
Reputation: 13599
I can't edit my prior post, so I'll add this:

I messed up a sentence where I talk about your SIL's response to your nice request to leave your parking spot free. What I meant to say was that I can't imagine going to an in-laws house, and their grown child politely asks me to leave that spot free for when he gets home from work, tired, so he doesn't have to move his car later, and I cop an attitude about the request. I would immediately apologize, say I didn't know it was his space, and would of course agree to park off to the side.

As for getting along w/your SIL and others, I wanted you to try this for one week and see how it goes. Try, for one week, to say only positive things to people. No exceptions. Nothing negative. If it's raining, you love the rain. If it's sunny, it's a beautiful spring day. If you're tired after work, "Phew, I'm tired! But I made another dollar today!" Do that when your SIL is there, too. I bet she responds positively. If she doesn't, then screw her! She's just not a nice person. Such people exist.
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Old 04-18-2019, 10:51 PM
 
Location: USA
2,638 posts, read 2,017,353 times
Reputation: 4333
It's late and I'm too tired to read everything and the advice given to me.

I do my best to get along with my SIL after all, she is married to my brother. Related or not, I refuse to be someone's sounding board to hear them vent their issues then they brush off mine and gossip when I tell them my issues.

Healthy conversation is a two way street. I was so upset bc my SIL would constantly complain over the years about my mom and never once I said anything to my mom about it. So, when I vented my issues, idc how petty it was, she had to gossip about it to my mom and then my mom gave me the 3rd degree that I was causing family strife. I was like wtf.

So I finally told my SIL I don't wanna hear her complaints anymore about my mom. She hasn't talked to me since.
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