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Old 04-21-2019, 06:26 PM
 
9,925 posts, read 3,954,245 times
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I'm glad you're doing a little better, MusicFamily5. Your story is heartbreaking.
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Old 04-21-2019, 06:30 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,781 posts, read 41,477,394 times
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It sounds like you aren't in danger of being pulled back into that web for now, which is good.

I'm sorry you're going through this. We don't get to choose our parents, even in adoption, and it's so hard to process when they turn out to be less than what we might have wanted.

I do hope you will seek out counseling to help you ward off any pending guilt trips etc and that you continue to realize your own worth.
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Old 04-21-2019, 08:13 PM
 
1 posts, read 451 times
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Default To MusicFamily5

My heart breaks for you in reading your post.
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. THIS IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND'S FAULT.
You get to decide how your life will be lived, and there is no excuse for your parents and siblings to commandeer your future without your knowledge, input or consent. How dare they?

Your siblings cannot and will not step up? Again, not your fault. Your family is not looking out for your best interest. They want to use you. Do not let them. DNA does not give license for slavery. Run, run, run with your husband away from these people. Print out a copy of the email and send it in a letter to your youngest brother away at college. He deserves to know the truth, and you cannot trust the others to give him the real story.


I am sorry for your pain at this. Time will ease that pain. You must protect yourself, and for the near future, the best thing you can do is to cut off contact with your parents and the siblings involved. NO CONTACT. This is to protect yourself, and I cannot stress this enough. Do not pay your mother back for any belongings in your possession or from whatever money was paid in 2011. If she wants it that badly let her file a lawsuit and get laughed out of court.
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Old 04-21-2019, 09:36 PM
 
939 posts, read 283,382 times
Reputation: 2049
Quote:
Originally Posted by musicfamly5 View Post
When you first met your husband you were excited about bringing him into the family, but as time went on it became clear he has manipulated you into thinking his family comes first before your own.

You never join us for holidays anymore, instead you both make excuses on how you can only visit for half the day or insist on bring his family which as you know is out of the question (and completely inappropriate as I’m sure Jewish individuals wouldn’t feel comfortable celebrating secular/christian holidays).

You have give up your dreams of being a young and stronger mother to help him in a career that’s going downhill.

And now you’re abandoning your duties as our most capable child to assist us as we age and plan on retiring. I won’t buy this crap that you need to care for his mother. Her disability is her own fault and it’s clear she’s got her son wrapped around her finger and is now controlling you.
First, I wouldn't label her as rabid anti-semitic. I have three Christian friends who married Jewish guys. For the first couple, Jewish in-laws refused to attend their son's Church wedding and never acknowledged Christian holidays. The second Jewish in-laws attended the couple's wedding, afterwards distanced themselves from their son. The third couple's wedding went off just fine, everyone gets along and they celebrate every Christian/Jewish holiday. Many families don't want children marrying outside the faith. Some Jews, Mormons, Muslims, Christians, etc aren't happy with intermarriage. Depends on the family.

Once the shock is over, speak to your mother. Have tea with her some afternoon and ask her about her childhood. What was her childhood like? Was there some trauma? Ask her what she meant by the above statements. Don't argue, just listen.

My mother was always difficult. As she went into assisted living, she was more open to discussing the past. My sister and I listened to her and heard her explanations. Didn't mean we agreed with her vision of reality. Talking to her helped make sense of our lives - hers and mine. She died and my sister still wishes she talked to her about more things.

The thing is mom's and daughter's lives are so intertwined. It's so hard to separate. Even if I didn't speak to my mom for years, every decision I made based on her. Either I recreated my favorite memories with my children or I reject her by doing the opposite with my children. She was part of who I am.

Last edited by YorktownGal; 04-21-2019 at 09:51 PM..
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Old 04-21-2019, 11:40 PM
 
Location: Between West Chester and Chester, PA
2,586 posts, read 2,286,319 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by musicfamly5 View Post
Warning that Iím still a little raw and confused with everything so get ready for a very personal rant.

Last weekend while visiting my parents for dinner my husband and I mentioned how weíre planning to move soon. That immediately got a reaction from my mother and she demanded to know why and how I expected to care for my parents and the family home if I moved. Not knowing that everyone in my family had apparently planned and agreed on this I told her I figured any of my other siblings could care for everything as none of them had any intention of moving and seemed to pretty much live at my parentsí home anyway. Well my mother seemed to be done with the conversation, so we all moved on and I thought ended the night on a good note.

I was wrong and the next day one of my sisters called and pressed on why I was ďabandoningĒ my family. Not knowing how to respond I just assured her that we wouldnít move without plans to visit regularly and I would always support my parents as much as I could; but my husband is a only child with a mother and grandmother with no other family and plenty of health issues that it makes sense for us to live together so they can continue being with their only source of family and support. My sister responded with ďwell, thatís all nice and good. But youíre the only one mom wants to take over and if she dies because you abandon her itíll be 100% on you.Ē Again, I didnít know of to respond so I told my sister I needed to think about all of this and moved on. Not long after my father calls to beg me to reconsider moving, saying they would never get to see my future children if I did. I assured him that no matter where we moved we would always visit at least 4x a year since work would bring us to the area and that if they ever needed any support we would do our best as it was becoming clear none of my siblings are being asked due to their various money troubles. Well my dad seemed fine and we both left off agreeing that something would be worked out to make my parents feel more secure.

Well fast forward to this morning. I got an email from my mother stating the following:

ďDear musicfamily5, first off I want to say I love you so much and your dad and I find you such a capable and loving person. Unfortunately these traits are what gets you into trouble and have led you down a road where you find it easier to love outsiders before your own family. When you first met your husband you were excited about bringing him into the family, but as time went on it became clear he has manipulated you into thinking his family comes first before your own.

You never join us for holidays anymore, instead you both make excuses on how you can only visit for half the day or insist on bring his family which as you know is out of the question (and completely inappropriate as Iím sure Jewish individuals wouldnít feel comfortable celebrating secular/christian holidays). You have give up your dreams of being a young and stronger mother to help him in a career thatís going downhill. And now youíre abandoning your duties as our most capable child to assist us as we age and plan on retiring. I wonít buy this crap that you need to care for his mother. Her disability is her own fault and itís clear sheís got her son wrapped around her finger and is now controlling you. I canít understand why you find them more appealing over your own family, but I guess thatís what you get when you numb your mind from ďhigher educationĒ and refuse to follow your parents warnings.

So now I must say we are done with you. We wonít wait around wondering if youíll keep your end of the responsibilities bestowed on you. And we refuse to watch you waste your life and ruin the future lives of our grandchildren with that man you married. You are not invited into your childhood home or any property that we own. Any items from your past (pictures, old toys, your books, your boxes from high school) are now ours as you have forfeited any right to them. Itís also only right that you pay back the money we gave you for 2011 and the items your grandmother gave you. She did so expecting you to take up our family traditions and it would crush her to know you took them without ever intending to be a part of the family those items belong to.

Weíre sorry, but honestly the only way we can see this relationship improving is if you leave your husband and his terrible family, do your part to make this family trust you and your judgment again, and fully respect us as your parents and the only people who truly care about your well-being. Until you make all these things right we no longer will consider you our daughter and as much as it pains us we will have to look at legal ways to get whatís ours. Sincerely, your loving motherĒ


I still donít know how to respond to this. And apparently news travels fast in my family because as of now no one is responding to any messages or phone calls. Iíve been on and off crying for several hours just because I have no idea where this came from. I want to fix this, but at the same time I canít help but feel like this is either an blown out overreaction or some kind of crazy joke. Iím at a lost at what to do and my husband is lost as well (he doesnít even know about the parts about his mother and family) we just have no idea how this came to be and the hurtful comments about our lives just seem so off. Iím confused, hurt and not sure what to doÖ..
I've been dropped by my Dad's and a fair chunk of my Mom's side. At first, it was a bit of a shocker. As time went on I realized it was a growing opportunity, a chance for enlightenment, and an even better chance for me to go on my own separate journey. What I've concluded is I don't need them, have never needed them, and don't care to ever see their miserable butts again. What pisses them off even more is knowing they cannot control me and the knowledge I don't need them in my life.

You don't really need their negativity in your life. Do what you need to do and go down a separate road without looking in the rear view mirror. At least you have somebody riding with you in the passenger seat.
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Old 04-22-2019, 01:09 AM
 
2,047 posts, read 1,135,676 times
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WOW! Your mother is awful! Demanding that you leave your husband so you stay behind and take care of her? She sounds like a narcissist for sure. Run, do not walk, away from this craziness. DO NOT give in to her insane demands. She's nuts!
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Old 04-22-2019, 01:12 AM
 
2,047 posts, read 1,135,676 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
Wow thatís a terrible email but here is my advice based on my own experience. IGNORE it, because be assured if you respond in anguish, if you try to reason, placate, or appease it WILL be other misunderstood, or used against you and it will continue a toxic cycle of emotional anxiety. Take a step back and let this be for a couple of weeks and try not to discuss it with your siblings or family until youíve had a chance to calm down.
The intent of the email was to hurt you or punish you, if you try to fix this you will end up getting more hurt and be forever relegated to someone that can be manipulated and emotionally threatened into compliance. If need be talk to a counselor or suggest you and your mother go together at a later date.
You are absolutely right! I hope the OP listens to you.
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Old 04-22-2019, 01:25 AM
 
2,047 posts, read 1,135,676 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Diana Holbrook View Post
I have never heard a mother tell her daughter to leave her husband because he loves his mother.

That's really remarkable, particularly so if there's not been severe bad blood between them before. That's really bizarre.
Agree. Bizarre is the right word for it. The nerve of this woman to try to break up her daughter's marriage! Who DOES that?? Crazy selfish narcissists.
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Old 04-22-2019, 01:39 AM
 
2,047 posts, read 1,135,676 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
How old are your parents that they need taking care of?

Agree with everyone that the email is bizarre and not to reply to it. Wow, she has issues. Since you're adopted I guess she feels like she owns you.

You really should consider doing Ancestry DNA when it goes on sale for mothers day then upload to the free sites. You may get lucky to find bio family that is looking for you. See my thread Family tree and DNA general instructions for directions how to do it.



I wonder if she's going to try to null the adoption.
I don't believe there is anything such thing. Once an adoption has been completed the child is in every way their's. Is it possible to null or divorce bio children? The same rules apply for bio and adopted children.
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Old 04-22-2019, 01:47 AM
 
2,047 posts, read 1,135,676 times
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OP, are you the only daughter in the family? If so, that may be a factor in everyone assuming you would take care of your parents.
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