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Dad says if you leave he wouldn't get to see your children. Meaning, apparently, he can't go the 30 minutes and underscoring you can't come back the 30 minutes.
BUT...also meaning that if you continued to live at home, he would see your children. MEANING...your husband and kids are expected to be added to the home.
How large is that mega mansion?
Apparently there are either 5 or 6 siblings that live at the family manse or are there most of the time. And their spouses and subsequent children are absorbed into the Borg collective?
All the other siblings are bad with money but have jobs...and free housing?
The parents found that giving the OP $500 to furnish her dorm room was a hardship.
The parents were OK with the OP's husband as long as he was part of the collective. I wonder what happens when a sibling's spouse objects. Maybe this wasn't the first time a child has been ordered to cast off a spouse or partner to ensure the unity of the collective.
Is the OP the "most capable" because she's spent the least amount of time at home?
What happens if it becomes known the OP has aired the family laundry in public?
Once the tears stop flowing, the OP may realize she dodged a bullet here.
This whole episode, letter and all, is just bizarre. What sane mother tells their daughter to divorce her husband in order to take care of her at some time in the future.
I would suggest that the OP move ahead with the plans she and her husband have made, and see what happens next.
She indeed may be the most capable person in the family and needs to model how stable, sane, capable people behave.
Don't show the letter anymore. Throw it away. It is no different than a couple 'breaking up', running off to friends to bad mouth the 'ex', only to end up back up together again as if nothing happened. People will get tired of it.
Also, the comment about not giving up on the in-laws because they cried also caught my attention. It just seems way too emotional.
This “mother” isn’t acting like a good mother. If you don’t dance to her tune it’s all over with your relationship? Move on. Don’t respond. I would wash my hands of her and if your siblings want to get involved in this mess tell them to stay out of it. This lady is off the chain. Go ahead with your plans and don’t give her a second thought.
Good Luck, we can’t choose our family.
That letter is bizarre (I see that word has been used before!) and I agree with the poster who said to consider the possibility that your mother is having some sort of psychotic episode. Remote, but a possibility.
Still- the family was planning for YOU to take care of Mom and Dad in their old age and they never bothered to tell you? That's their problem, not yours. Better you found this out now so they can make other plans.
Live your life. I'd suggest you set a "cooling-off period"- maybe 30 days- before responding. You're in a state of shock right now and that's normal.
I think you are right to help care for his mother/parents if he is an only child, and that it is wrong of your family to assume/insist you would be the one to care for them and especially never communicate that with you. I hear undertones of issues with bigotry from your family regarding his and I think this has something to do with the tone of the response.
My only advice is to keep the door open between you and your family/parents, but don't be manipulated by them into thinking you are guilty of something or in the wrong, and go on with your plans, which are perfectly reasonable. I think you will find the space from them to be very healthy.
Warning that I’m still a little raw and confused with everything so get ready for a very personal rant.
Last weekend while visiting my parents for dinner my husband and I mentioned how we’re planning to move soon. That immediately got a reaction from my mother and she demanded to know why and how I expected to care for my parents and the family home if I moved. Not knowing that everyone in my family had apparently planned and agreed on this I told her I figured any of my other siblings could care for everything as none of them had any intention of moving and seemed to pretty much live at my parents’ home anyway. Well my mother seemed to be done with the conversation, so we all moved on and I thought ended the night on a good note.
I was wrong and the next day one of my sisters called and pressed on why I was “abandoning” my family. Not knowing how to respond I just assured her that we wouldn’t move without plans to visit regularly and I would always support my parents as much as I could; but my husband is a only child with a mother and grandmother with no other family and plenty of health issues that it makes sense for us to live together so they can continue being with their only source of family and support. My sister responded with “well, that’s all nice and good. But you’re the only one mom wants to take over and if she dies because you abandon her it’ll be 100% on you.” Again, I didn’t know of to respond so I told my sister I needed to think about all of this and moved on. Not long after my father calls to beg me to reconsider moving, saying they would never get to see my future children if I did. I assured him that no matter where we moved we would always visit at least 4x a year since work would bring us to the area and that if they ever needed any support we would do our best as it was becoming clear none of my siblings are being asked due to their various money troubles. Well my dad seemed fine and we both left off agreeing that something would be worked out to make my parents feel more secure.
Well fast forward to this morning. I got an email from my mother stating the following:
“Dear musicfamily5, first off I want to say I love you so much and your dad and I find you such a capable and loving person. Unfortunately these traits are what gets you into trouble and have led you down a road where you find it easier to love outsiders before your own family. When you first met your husband you were excited about bringing him into the family, but as time went on it became clear he has manipulated you into thinking his family comes first before your own.
You never join us for holidays anymore, instead you both make excuses on how you can only visit for half the day or insist on bring his family which as you know is out of the question (and completely inappropriate as I’m sure Jewish individuals wouldn’t feel comfortable celebrating secular/christian holidays). You have give up your dreams of being a young and stronger mother to help him in a career that’s going downhill. And now you’re abandoning your duties as our most capable child to assist us as we age and plan on retiring. I won’t buy this crap that you need to care for his mother. Her disability is her own fault and it’s clear she’s got her son wrapped around her finger and is now controlling you. I can’t understand why you find them more appealing over your own family, but I guess that’s what you get when you numb your mind from “higher education” and refuse to follow your parents warnings.
So now I must say we are done with you. We won’t wait around wondering if you’ll keep your end of the responsibilities bestowed on you. And we refuse to watch you waste your life and ruin the future lives of our grandchildren with that man you married. You are not invited into your childhood home or any property that we own. Any items from your past (pictures, old toys, your books, your boxes from high school) are now ours as you have forfeited any right to them. It’s also only right that you pay back the money we gave you for 2011 and the items your grandmother gave you. She did so expecting you to take up our family traditions and it would crush her to know you took them without ever intending to be a part of the family those items belong to.
We’re sorry, but honestly the only way we can see this relationship improving is if you leave your husband and his terrible family, do your part to make this family trust you and your judgment again, and fully respect us as your parents and the only people who truly care about your well-being. Until you make all these things right we no longer will consider you our daughter and as much as it pains us we will have to look at legal ways to get what’s ours. Sincerely, your loving mother”
I still don’t know how to respond to this. And apparently news travels fast in my family because as of now no one is responding to any messages or phone calls. I’ve been on and off crying for several hours just because I have no idea where this came from. I want to fix this, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like this is either an blown out overreaction or some kind of crazy joke. I’m at a lost at what to do and my husband is lost as well (he doesn’t even know about the parts about his mother and family) we just have no idea how this came to be and the hurtful comments about our lives just seem so off. I’m confused, hurt and not sure what to do…..
Maybe there is some truth to it. Do you spend all holidays with your husband's family? Most parents do not want to be close friends with, or entertain their adult child's inlaws.
One of every parent's greatest fear is losing their adult child to marriage.
I hope you can see that your mother is horribly frustrated. Why can't you spend a whole holiday at your families house, without dragging along his parents?
Are you trying to escape interaction with your own family? Is your husband reluctant to visit your hamily? Have you put aside your own dreams to help your husband with his?
It is hard sometimes when someone's true personality is revealed.
My advice would be that you send a brief email, acknowledging her feelings and making it clear that she is mistaken.
Then, (the hard part) carry out her wishes and let her live with the consequences of her decision.
I don't do Facebook, but if you do, make sure that you post items that make it clear you are living your life, a life that she has chosen not to share.
You can't "fix" this. She has to heal herself. Leave her and your siblings (who have been absorbed into the cult) to themselves.
Maybe there is some truth to it. Do you spend all holidays with your husband's family? Most parents do not want to be close friends with, or entertain their adult child's inlaws.
One of every parent's greatest fear is losing their adult child to marriage.
That seems a little off, though. Many parents would be thrilled that their child has a warm and loving extended family. I'm not a parent, but I feel like a good parent raises their child to be independent of them. Their adult child getting married doesn't "lose" anything.
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