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Old 04-19-2019, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
316 posts, read 132,335 times
Reputation: 1448

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Warning that I’m still a little raw and confused with everything so get ready for a very personal rant.

Last weekend while visiting my parents for dinner my husband and I mentioned how we’re planning to move soon. That immediately got a reaction from my mother and she demanded to know why and how I expected to care for my parents and the family home if I moved. Not knowing that everyone in my family had apparently planned and agreed on this I told her I figured any of my other siblings could care for everything as none of them had any intention of moving and seemed to pretty much live at my parents’ home anyway. Well my mother seemed to be done with the conversation, so we all moved on and I thought ended the night on a good note.

I was wrong and the next day one of my sisters called and pressed on why I was “abandoning” my family. Not knowing how to respond I just assured her that we wouldn’t move without plans to visit regularly and I would always support my parents as much as I could; but my husband is a only child with a mother and grandmother with no other family and plenty of health issues that it makes sense for us to live together so they can continue being with their only source of family and support. My sister responded with “well, that’s all nice and good. But you’re the only one mom wants to take over and if she dies because you abandon her it’ll be 100% on you.” Again, I didn’t know of to respond so I told my sister I needed to think about all of this and moved on. Not long after my father calls to beg me to reconsider moving, saying they would never get to see my future children if I did. I assured him that no matter where we moved we would always visit at least 4x a year since work would bring us to the area and that if they ever needed any support we would do our best as it was becoming clear none of my siblings are being asked due to their various money troubles. Well my dad seemed fine and we both left off agreeing that something would be worked out to make my parents feel more secure.

Well fast forward to this morning. I got an email from my mother stating the following:

“Dear musicfamily5, first off I want to say I love you so much and your dad and I find you such a capable and loving person. Unfortunately these traits are what gets you into trouble and have led you down a road where you find it easier to love outsiders before your own family. When you first met your husband you were excited about bringing him into the family, but as time went on it became clear he has manipulated you into thinking his family comes first before your own.

You never join us for holidays anymore, instead you both make excuses on how you can only visit for half the day or insist on bring his family which as you know is out of the question (and completely inappropriate as I’m sure Jewish individuals wouldn’t feel comfortable celebrating secular/christian holidays). You have give up your dreams of being a young and stronger mother to help him in a career that’s going downhill. And now you’re abandoning your duties as our most capable child to assist us as we age and plan on retiring. I won’t buy this crap that you need to care for his mother. Her disability is her own fault and it’s clear she’s got her son wrapped around her finger and is now controlling you. I can’t understand why you find them more appealing over your own family, but I guess that’s what you get when you numb your mind from “higher education” and refuse to follow your parents warnings.

So now I must say we are done with you. We won’t wait around wondering if you’ll keep your end of the responsibilities bestowed on you. And we refuse to watch you waste your life and ruin the future lives of our grandchildren with that man you married. You are not invited into your childhood home or any property that we own. Any items from your past (pictures, old toys, your books, your boxes from high school) are now ours as you have forfeited any right to them. It’s also only right that you pay back the money we gave you for 2011 and the items your grandmother gave you. She did so expecting you to take up our family traditions and it would crush her to know you took them without ever intending to be a part of the family those items belong to.

We’re sorry, but honestly the only way we can see this relationship improving is if you leave your husband and his terrible family, do your part to make this family trust you and your judgment again, and fully respect us as your parents and the only people who truly care about your well-being. Until you make all these things right we no longer will consider you our daughter and as much as it pains us we will have to look at legal ways to get what’s ours. Sincerely, your loving mother”


I still don’t know how to respond to this. And apparently news travels fast in my family because as of now no one is responding to any messages or phone calls. I’ve been on and off crying for several hours just because I have no idea where this came from. I want to fix this, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like this is either an blown out overreaction or some kind of crazy joke. I’m at a lost at what to do and my husband is lost as well (he doesn’t even know about the parts about his mother and family) we just have no idea how this came to be and the hurtful comments about our lives just seem so off. I’m confused, hurt and not sure what to do…..
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:18 PM
 
1,711 posts, read 573,596 times
Reputation: 2706
Wow. A little more info. I'm seeing this in families that are from countries with certain old fashioned traditions. And where you would be the oldest child. However, you may be a female and often traditional old school parents see the significance of the oldest male taking on the parents in their old age. There's no oldest male?
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:23 PM
 
Location: Herndon, VA
2,086 posts, read 2,101,980 times
Reputation: 7371
Wow, talk about manipulation at its finest. Your mother is a pro! You are under no obligation to take care of anyone but yourself. I would never put that type of burden on my own children. NEVER. If you truly want my opinion, I think your mother did you a favor with this temper tantrum by showing her true colors. Run, don't walk away from this drama, and let her finally come to her senses and ask for your forgiveness some day. If not, move on with your life.
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,595 posts, read 4,674,480 times
Reputation: 27774
That's quite the kiss-off note. The anti-Semitism was a nice flourish. I can understand your dismay, as you may not have realized that your entire family has been badmouthing you or continually made excuses for them over the years.

I find it kind of hard to believe you didn't realize how awful your family is before now. Or maybe you did, and that was why you wanted to move your husband's elderly relatives in with you? They were more sympathetic and loving than your own family. I can relate. I desperately needed a mother figure, too.

Has your mother always been a narcissistic monster whose children dance to her tune?
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,595 posts, read 4,674,480 times
Reputation: 27774
And what's this all about?

as much as it pains us we will have to look at legal ways to get what’s ours.

What, they want their DNA back?
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,683 posts, read 4,408,388 times
Reputation: 11639
I would not treat your mother’s hysteria, immaturity and manipulation as anything but temp insanity. I’d respond with a short note and just go on with my plans. I don’t advise that you try and pull your siblings into this drama. Just act like things are the same. It will all blow over. Your mother chooses to target your husband because you wouldn’t be considering moving if not for the marriage. Don’t take it personally (I know that’s pretty difficult). I know when I am upset with my own kid, I tend to blame his wife. The less said the better in response to Mom. Don’t even go down the path of considering returning items she is demanding. You own whatever is in your possession.



Dear Mom,

Sorry you feel that I am disloyal or that I disrespected you. That’s just not the case.

I love you.

Musicfamily5
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:47 PM
 
1,625 posts, read 745,853 times
Reputation: 8870
Quote:
Originally Posted by musicfamly5 View Post
[b]

I still donít know how to respond to this. And apparently news travels fast in my family because as of now no one is responding to any messages or phone calls. Iíve been on and off crying for several hours just because I have no idea where this came from. I want to fix this, but at the same time I canít help but feel like this is either an blown out overreaction or some kind of crazy joke. Iím at a lost at what to do and my husband is lost as well (he doesnít even know about the parts about his mother and family) we just have no idea how this came to be and the hurtful comments about our lives just seem so off. Iím confused, hurt and not sure what to doÖ..
You can't "fix" this.

At this point, sit on any inclination to reply or try to explain to anyone.

Let your mother and the others lie in the bed they've made and marinate in the outrageousness of their expectations.
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:54 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,142 posts, read 41,752,473 times
Reputation: 82846
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatzPaw View Post
You can't "fix" this.

At this point, sit on any inclination to reply or try to explain to anyone.

Let your mother and the others lie in the bed they've made and marinate in the outrageousness of their expectations.
Yep. I guess the siblings are ok with her being their "most capable child"?

What a perfect example of dysfunction, all there in writing. OP, I'm sorry, I know this hurts, but it is insane.

She regrets your education? How insulting that is to you as a functioning adult. Your marriage? Denying you access to your childhood belongings?

It all is proof that her "love" is conditional.

I'm sorry this happened. I agree that you should not reply but seek out guidance from someone you trust who supports what is healthy for you.
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Old 04-19-2019, 02:59 PM
 
3,169 posts, read 1,664,054 times
Reputation: 8693
Wow. I don’t think anyone who says these things really loves the person they’re addressing. Your mother is a selfish and manipulative person.
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Old 04-19-2019, 03:01 PM
 
10,467 posts, read 8,417,014 times
Reputation: 19203
I am sorry - that is just awful. I could say a thing or two about your mother, The Queen of Control, but that would probably be more upsetting, so I'll just say no one deserves to be addressed this way by a parent. Or anyone else, for that matter.

You might check with a lawyer about ownership of your childhood toys, books and other items, if there are any valuables among them or things you cherish. Anything your grandmother or other family members gave to you is yours, so forget returning them. You certainly don't need to return any monetary gifts from 2011.

It sounds as if your in-laws are nice, warm and caring people, which is great.

Have any of your extended family members other than your siblings experienced similar manipulative efforts from your mother? Your extended family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins - any decent, caring folk among them? If so, give them a call and let them know you care about them. If your mother has already attempted to poison those wells, read her letter to them. That should set the story straight.
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