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Old 04-22-2019, 05:08 PM
 
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
6,843 posts, read 3,926,375 times
Reputation: 12624

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Of course at your age, you are an adult, and can do what you want.



But ,Before, I would feel comfortable giving an answer, I need to learn a bit more about the situation.
What mental illness does your Boyfriend have? (I am surprised to hear that they allowed him into the military with a mental illness...but I suppose if one were clever enough they could evade detection).
What mental illness were you diagnosed with?
I don't understand why your Father would be disappointed that you visited your boyfriend.
Is there more to this story?
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Old 04-22-2019, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,424 posts, read 14,083,204 times
Reputation: 29775
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I would not tell them in advance.

But are you sure that moving in with him is the best idea? What mental illness does he have? Can you afford to live on your own there, without moving in with him? Do you know anyone else in Texas?

Please use reliable birth control, whatever you do.
Yeah, several red flags here. You broke up and got back together, he has mental illness, you are moving in with him because you need a break?

Was he discharged because of mental illness? If so, please consider living with him extremely carefully.

Why did get back together? Were you lonely? Did he tell you he loved you?

Using your BF to as an escape plan from your mom is recipe for disaster. IMO, you should not do this until you have visited him more times, and have spent several days in a row with him. I read so many cases of guys who become controlling and violent with their wives. You do NOT to jump into a situation like you had with your mom. Please be wise about this.
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Old 04-22-2019, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,632 posts, read 11,016,275 times
Reputation: 37644
Quote:
Originally Posted by liv47 View Post
Background on question: I am 22 and he is 23. I met my boyfriend in 2012 and we dated until 2017. In 2016, he left to join the military and was recently discharged and living in Texas still. We broke up due to long distance, but have talked every day since and I finally went to visit him in person in February of this year. He and I decided that I should move in with him, and I am ready for a change. When I told my mom I was going to visit him, she called me a disappointment and that she was going to find him on Facebook and tell him to leave me the eff alone. She said I need to move on from him and that she will never approve. My dad is quite and said he was disappointed in me when I went to visit. My mother is emotionally abusive and hates everything about me and him, separately and together. She has never liked our relationship due to his mental illness, him being my first boyfriend, and him growing up in a bad home life. She will kill me when I tell her I am leaving, but I am applying for jobs and have somewhere to keep up on my own medication for my mental illness. How do I tell her and my dad that I am moving to Texas from Ohio to live with this guy that they hate? I'm scared to death to tell her because I'm afraid of what she'll do to me and I'm scared to tell my dad because I dont want him to be disappointed and hurt by me because I actually do love him and want him in my life in the future unlike her.

"Mom, I've decided I am going to move to Texas to be with _____________." You are 22, and adult, that simple. Now, if you were 12, that would be a different story.
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Old 04-22-2019, 07:28 PM
 
1,161 posts, read 646,410 times
Reputation: 4036
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Yeah, several red flags here. You broke up and got back together, he has mental illness, you are moving in with him because you need a break?

Was he discharged because of mental illness? If so, please consider living with him extremely carefully.

Why did get back together? Were you lonely? Did he tell you he loved you?

Using your BF to as an escape plan from your mom is recipe for disaster. IMO, you should not do this until you have visited him more times, and have spent several days in a row with him. I read so many cases of guys who become controlling and violent with their wives. You do NOT to jump into a situation like you had with your mom. Please be wise about this.
I agree with all of this ^^^.

I am wondering if you have been so unhappy with Mom before now, why have you not moved out and roomed with a friend?

Do you have a job now that handles your medications or are you under your parents’ plan?

Where will you go and can you afford to live alone if you break up again? Would you have to move home again or land in a shelter?

We know way too little about this whole situation, with mental illness involving both people, to give suitable advice. OP may be getting into an uncomfortable if not dangerous situation, instead of the “escape” she wants. Caution is needed plus thinking things through.
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Old 04-22-2019, 10:04 PM
 
Location: Midwest
4,190 posts, read 7,090,459 times
Reputation: 6973
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
After the fact.
Yeah. Western Union comes to mind. Old School.
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Old 04-23-2019, 01:40 AM
 
40 posts, read 8,454 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by djmaxwell View Post
How did he manage to enlist with a mental illness?
Ah, well he hid it at first. When he began working and showing signs, they asked him to do a mental health evaluation. They found he was too unstable to continue and put him on medication and therapy. It took 9 months for him to be discharged, hes been out for 4 months, and has been stable since February 2018 on the same medication, and has been with a new therapist at the VA since he was discharged. When I visited in February, he was the healthiest and happiest I've ever seen him.
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Old 04-23-2019, 01:43 AM
 
40 posts, read 8,454 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazee Cat Lady View Post
Of course at your age, you are an adult, and can do what you want.



But ,Before, I would feel comfortable giving an answer, I need to learn a bit more about the situation.
What mental illness does your Boyfriend have? (I am surprised to hear that they allowed him into the military with a mental illness...but I suppose if one were clever enough they could evade detection).
What mental illness were you diagnosed with?
I don't understand why your Father would be disappointed that you visited your boyfriend.
Is there more to this story?
He has major depression and GAD. I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD at age 14, and my diagnosis was just recently changed to bipolar 2. He was clever enough to evade detection until he started working after tech school.

They dont like that we broke up. And I lied and told them we had only been talking for 6 months, but now that's going to bite me since it makes more sense that we never stopped talking and are moving in together rather than just after 6 months of talking again...my dad is super religious too and didnt like the fact of me being alone with a boy.
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Old 04-23-2019, 01:50 AM
 
40 posts, read 8,454 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
This. More info needed. We don't know anything about the quality of this relationship; only that you've been with this guy (except for the LDR period) since you were 15. You should be sure you have a good job there, so that if things don't work out--and they may not, because living with someone is different from dating them--you'll be able to get your own place. In fact, I'm inclined to suggest, that you go there planning to have your own place from the start. Then, if things go well, you can move in together later.

But you didn't ask for advice about that. I don't understand, why both parents said you were a "disappointment", just for going to visit your bf. What's wrong with visiting a friend? Are they very conservative, and disapprove of sex before marriage, is that it? If so, there's no way around it, you'll just have to go. Overprotective parents tend to make decisions that prevent their kids from growing up and maturing.

What kind of job does he have? Has he dealt with his childhood abuse issues? That can handicap people in life, and it can make it challenging to maintain a stable relationship.
They are very conservative. My dad disapproved of us being alone when we were younger and now. Hes very religious. My mother was trying to manipulate me. Shes just never liked him even though he has never hurt me physically or emotionally and is the best thing to happen to me. He works on the base as a civilian. Hes been in therapy and stabilized on meds since March 2018. I'm stabilized on meds and intend to do therapy once I get there. I also want to do couples therapy with him to ensure we are the strongest couple we can be, not because I'm afraid we'll fail, but because I dont want any future normal arguments or anything jeopardize us. I believe everyone should do couples therapy or counseling so I would just be going along with what I believe everyone should do. He makes me happy, and him I.
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Old 04-23-2019, 01:54 AM
 
Location: NYC
3,882 posts, read 1,609,503 times
Reputation: 1740
Well you've clearly left out too many details. The biggest factor is your own mental illness, how severe it is, and how well you can manage it on your own. *If* it's not too severe then it sounds like the smart thing to do in this case is to move out of your parents' house and also break it off with your boyfriend. Elaborating:


Move out of your parents' because it is clear that you've outgrown your home life and need to get out and experience life for yourself. Break it off with your boyfriend because (based on what you've said about him) it seems likely that your life with him could quickly turn into something unexpected or even disastrous. Move onto a different obsession.


Instead you should find a job and non-romantic friends to hang out with. Get some distance from the current situation and, if desired or necessary, come back to it with some perspective and life experience.
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Old 04-23-2019, 01:55 AM
 
40 posts, read 8,454 times
Reputation: 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
You're an adult and all...but...I have concerns.


Your boyfriend has mental health issues. YOU have mental health issues. Maybe your mom has valid concerns about your future happiness, and why she expresses disapointment in your choices? Have you given your mom drama and problems as a teenager?
I dont disagree that she has valid concerns. But we are both stabilized, him on medication and therapy. And I on medication. I intend to do therapy when I get to Texas. I have off and on in the past but have never clicked with anyone. She was disappointed because she doesnt like him or the fact hes the only boy I've been with. I never did anything to cause any drama with my mom. She never let me go to church with him even when I asked multiple times, she wouldn't let me visit him when he moved away before the military because she didnt trust me even though I never gave her any reason not to. She is just an unhappy person who needs to deal with her own problems. Like I said, I don't discredit her concerns or her possible love for me, but she goes about it in all the wrong ways and has since I was little.
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