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First of all, I'm going to start by saying I don't expect some sort of a smorgasbord set out for me when I visit. This is just an observation on what I find to be strange behavior and here are some examples. None of these examples are poor people.
My ex fiancee's family was opposed to eating breakfast right when you got up. They had at least three hours of what I called pajama time and the only acceptable thing to do was drink coffee. On the rare occaisions you were offered food it was cereal in a child sized bowl. For dinner it was a ritual of pouring milk into cups that held maybe five shot glasses worth of liquid. That was all the milk you got.
If my dad and step mom have you over for a burger that is all you get. One. Burger. They will make a huge effort setting out the fixings and you can time them with a calendar when they go through the ritual of putting things on it.
My dad and step mom and extended family also go through a presentation of the food and if you so much as take a morsel more than what you're allotted it's a nonstop barrage of you eating too much. It's all very odd to me. I'm not complaining or looking for some sort of advice, just making an observation and curious if others have seen this.
Compare that with my mom's side of the family which is here's the food, dish it up, don't be a pig and eat it all, make sure everyone gets something, and eat whatever you take.
Control issues can affect all sorts of things in life. Controlling what others eat is one way to take control.
If that is what the family normally eats, then it isn't all that odd that they serve guests what they normally eat. If that is what is going on.
I would say to plan on eating before you go and eating again after you leave. I've been to nice restaurants like that. You have a lovely meal and then have to stop on the way home to get something to eat.
You can work around it instead of getting all worked up about it.
Have you asked your dad, why they have such an odd ritual relating to burgers? Are you saying, that on burger night, the burger is the entire meal? No vegetables, salad, etc.? Do they only berate you, if you take an extra slice of tomato for the burger, or whatever, or do they do that with any guest? It's very rude behavior, but some people seem to think it's ok to be rude with family members.
These are odd behavior people might call "quirks". I'm curious about the "pajama time", though. If breakfast isn't served until 3 hours after everyone gets up (3 hrs.? Really??), when is lunch? Or is there no lunch? Maybe it's a family that has a tradition of brunch on weekends, and there's no other meal other than a snack around mid-afternoon, until dinner. Maybe your ex never told you, that in her family, on weekends they have brunch instead of an earlier breakfast. It would have been a courtesy to let you know such a basic fact. Was she neglectful in her communication with you in other contexts, too?
If I go to visit my mom, its always "I bought a new flavor of yogurt, want to try it? I made some cake yesterday, want a piece? I cut up some pineapple that's really sweet, want some of that too? Oh and I have dinner leftovers in the fridge if you want any..."
My MIL is the same. I don't like to eat breakfast right when I get up, I like to wait an hour or two. But whenever we visit, as soon as I get up it starts. "I have this for breakfast, or I have this, this, or this. Oh you're not hungry? Well I also have this, or you could just have a small piece of this, what about this? Do you drink coffee? I have 10 different flavors of you want any. There are also 5 different creamers in the fridge. Here, what don't I just show you how the coffee maker works..." Finally I just have to eat something so it'll stop. But then it starts up again for lunch 2 hours later.
If I go to visit my mom, its always "I bought a new flavor of yogurt, want to try it? I made some cake yesterday, want a piece? I cut up some pineapple that's really sweet, want some of that too? Oh and I have dinner leftovers in the fridge if you want any..."
My MIL is the same. I don't like to eat breakfast right when I get up, I like to wait an hour or two. But whenever we visit, as soon as I get up it starts. "I have this for breakfast, or I have this, this, or this. Oh you're not hungry? Well I also have this, or you could just have a small piece of this, what about this? Do you drink coffee? I have 10 different flavors of you want any. There are also 5 different creamers in the fridge. Here, what don't I just show you how the coffee maker works..." Finally I just have to eat something so it'll stop. But then it starts up again for lunch 2 hours later.
Are you one of my kids? Or maybe your mom and I are secret sisters?
Does anyone know people who ration food with guests but make a big presentation?
Yes, and ration is the key word. I've seen that rationing habit in many people who were born prior to and during the WW1, Depression Years and WW2 eras and in post-war boomers born before the 1970's. Either they, or their post-war children who were raised up learning the habit from them, are literally practicing rationing and the 'waste not, want not' principles that everyone was forced to abide by with no choice in the matter. Some old habits die hard in people who have experience of the real hardships of having very few resources, little money and having to stretch any available staple foods and totally do without other types of non-staple and luxury foods.
I've also met a lot of 'food insecure' people who were raised up that way as rationers and have rebelled against the principle, turned large quantities of food into a status and security symbol and gone the exact opposite way with a vengeance. Spending unreasonable amounts of money on extra food and having turned into wasteful gluttons who wolf down excessive amounts of food like hogs at the trough and encouraging the same behaviour in their families and guests.
As Oregonwoodsmoke said, if you're a guest of rationers you can work around it and plan ahead for your own food needs. Contribute lots of food that you bring with you as side dishes and snacks when you are a guest. Eat before and after visiting. Hide food in your over-night luggage that you can secretly snack on.
Does anyone know people who ration food with guests but make a big presentation?
Yes, and ration is the key word. I've seen that rationing habit in many people who were born prior to and during the WW1, Depression Years and WW2 eras and in post-war boomers born before the 1970's. Either they, or their post-war children who were raised up learning the habit from them, are literally practicing rationing and the 'waste not, want not' principles that everyone was forced to abide by with no choice in the matter. Some old habits die hard in people who have experience of the real hardships of having very few resources, little money and having to stretch any available staple foods and totally do without other types of non-staple and luxury foods.
I've also met a lot of 'food insecure' people who were raised up that way as rationers and have rebelled against the principle, turned large quantities of food into a status and security symbol and gone the exact opposite way with a vengeance. Spending unreasonable amounts of money on extra food and having turned into wasteful gluttons who wolf down excessive amounts of food like hogs at the trough and encouraging the same behaviour in their families and guests.
As Oregonwoodsmoke said, if you're a guest of rationers you can work around it and plan ahead for your own food needs. Contribute lots of food that you bring with you as side dishes and snacks when you are a guest. Eat before and after visiting. Hide food in your over-night luggage that you can secretly snack on.
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Hmmm. My parents who certainly lived through hard times and WWII offered up bountiful meals to guests, even though they tended to cook the cheaper cuts of meat. When I, a Boomer, cook for guests, there is plenty of food. I can’t imagine rationing it.
Personally, I think portioning food for guests is a form of hoarding, or controlling. It is a symptom of how the rationer thinks, more than anything. I’d want to know if such a person rations affection, positive comments, or hugs. Perhaps there is fear about the future. Or perhaps being generous causes anxiety.
I am going to be frank. I would not enjoy being in this type of person’s home, and would avoid it whenever possible.
Have you asked your dad, why they have such an odd ritual relating to burgers? Are you saying, that on burger night, the burger is the entire meal? No vegetables, salad, etc.? Do they only berate you, if you take an extra slice of tomato for the burger, or whatever, or do they do that with any guest? It's very rude behavior, but some people seem to think it's ok to be rude with family members.
These are odd behavior people might call "quirks". I'm curious about the "pajama time", though. If breakfast isn't served until 3 hours after everyone gets up (3 hrs.? Really??), when is lunch? Or is there no lunch? Maybe it's a family that has a tradition of brunch on weekends, and there's no other meal other than a snack around mid-afternoon, until dinner. Maybe your ex never told you, that in her family, on weekends they have brunch instead of an earlier breakfast. It would have been a courtesy to let you know such a basic fact. Was she neglectful in her communication with you in other contexts, too?
The burger is all you get. A big spread but one measly burger. The pajama time rule was odd. You got looked at wierd for getting dressed right away. One time we visited her grandpa and he offered Danishes. I took one and got looked at like I had three heads for eating one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke
Control issues can affect all sorts of things in life. Controlling what others eat is one way to take control.
If that is what the family normally eats, then it isn't all that odd that they serve guests what they normally eat. If that is what is going on.
I would say to plan on eating before you go and eating again after you leave. I've been to nice restaurants like that. You have a lovely meal and then have to stop on the way home to get something to eat.
You can work around it instead of getting all worked up about it.
I'm not getting worked up about it nor was I looking for advice. Read the post again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran
Hmmm. My parents who certainly lived through hard times and WWII offered up bountiful meals to guests, even though they tended to cook the cheaper cuts of meat. When I, a Boomer, cook for guests, there is plenty of food. I can’t imagine rationing it.
Personally, I think portioning food for guests is a form of hoarding, or controlling. It is a symptom of how the rationer thinks, more than anything. I’d want to know if such a person rations affection, positive comments, or hugs. Perhaps there is fear about the future. Or perhaps being generous causes anxiety.
I am going to be frank. I would not enjoy being in this type of person’s home, and would avoid it whenever possible.
I don't enjoy being in their homes when this happens. Luckily I never stay at my dad's house overnight so can plan around it. At the ex's parents house I started sneaking snacks to eat.
Haven’t seen what you described. The closest thing is to have exactly X burgers or whatever for X people. We do that ourselves so that nothing gets wasted, but the portions are decent size in the first place and there are side dishes as well. If there is enough ground beef to make more, I leave it in the fridge and tell people that we can easily cook more if needed.
One change since I grew up is that back then, an average hamburger either at home or in a restaurant was maybe 4 ounces. Now people would consider that stingy, but only because of the Supersize Everything mentality that has become widespread. The only person I heard complaining about the size of a relative’s spread definitely did not need extra calories.
Fact is, if you lay out a huge feast, some people let themselves become gluttons because it is “free.” We serve the way we eat: an appropriate amount is prepared, and if we want more we eat something else. Having some extra bags of chips or more bread or salad is easy to do.
That's why you don't go stay with people - get a hotel. Take them to restaurants. Then you can eat when and what you want.
The hispanic culture is all about the food, so no issues with this type of thing here.
I have a friend that has to eat breakfast at 8, but i'm more the 3hr pajama lounging coffee drinker. So i understand that part. And so lunch is really the first meal of the day.
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