Grandparents too focused on other child to notice anything wrong (person, children)
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I initially posted this in the Grandparents section under Parenting, but was recommended to post in here as well, so here goes:
I was wondering if anyone had experience with this...so I have an 18 month old son and a younger brother who has a history of drug use (he is better now) but ever since he was younger, my parents have always prioritized him over almost everything I had done. They even got mad at my choices during my engagement, wedding, sons christening, and basically any event that they felt my choice was not “fair” to my brother. Now that I have a wonderful family and they had become grandparents, the trend is still happening.
My sibling recently had a stint in the hospital due to some psychotic episodes, and was released after a few weeks due to an improvement in his behavior. A week later he had another mental break and was readmitted. Long story short he was scheduled to be released this week. I had nicely and calmly expressed my concern to my parents that I was weary having his uncle who was just released from a psych ward, and that had a psychotic break only weeks before, coming around my son so soon, and should maybe wait a few days to see how he is since his medicine has changed and I don’t know how he will be once he is out.
When I told him this right away they got defensive and felt like I was being unreasonable asking for that. The more I talked about it, the more I felt that they were downplaying how serious this was, and sarcastically told me you can do what you want, and then shortly hung up after I said goodbye.
It’s been a week since I’ve talked to them, and I am sure they think they have done nothing wrong. This has been going on for every situation that involves my sibling and I am frankly fed up, now that their limited view is possibly affecting my sons safety. Has anyone else had an experience like this? Thanks.
I think you received good advice in that other thread but I wonder if it went far enough.
Your parents are clearly unhinged when it comes to your brother, to the point of parsing every situation as "Will this cause our Golden Child Sonny to feel or look bad?" TBH, I would keep them away from your family as well until further notice. When (if) they ever start to act like decent human beings again, maybe some contact can resume. But they want to have a tight little family unit of three. I say, let them.
No need to fight about it or try to get them to see your point of view. They never will. Just lay down the law.
Please don't tell me, "But I want my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents." They treated you like crap. Hopefully your DH's parents are kind people who can model healthy family dynamics.
Sorry you drew the short straw in the parent lottery.
They don't have a healthy relationship with you. You cannot make them healthy; what you CAN do is keep your own relationships healthy with good boundaries.
Stand firm on your boundaries, which you've made clear: Son is not to be around Brother until you say otherwise. Add that none of you are to be talking about it in front of your son. Brother may not be around son until YOU decide he's better, IF he does get better. That means that if your parents visit, they may not bring your brother. If they all get out of the car and walk up to your door, go outside and unemotionally say that they cannot visit at this time. Because they brought your brother even though you'd said this was not to happen. Flat and unemotional. Go back inside and lock the door.
And you will not bring your son to their house when he's present. You control you and your son. You do not control them or your brother or what they do except as it directly affects you. If you're at their house, having been told he was not present, and he springs up out of nowhere, get up and leave with your son. Show them how boundaries work.
Minimize their ability to affect you by referring to your previously-explained boundaries. It doesn't matter if they don't like it. You are making your own family now and are setting a precedent of healthy relationships for your son and yourselves. They don't need to approve. And if they end up being angry with you for protecting yourselves, so what? Those are not the kind of people you need in your and your son's life. No one needs manipulative people in their lives, especially if they're family.
I initially posted this in the Grandparents section under Parenting, but was recommended to post in here as well, so here goes:
I was wondering if anyone had experience with this...so I have an 18 month old son and a younger brother who has a history of drug use (he is better now) but ever since he was younger, my parents have always prioritized him over almost everything I had done. They even got mad at my choices during my engagement, wedding, sons christening, and basically any event that they felt my choice was not “fair” to my brother. Now that I have a wonderful family and they had become grandparents, the trend is still happening.
My sibling recently had a stint in the hospital due to some psychotic episodes, and was released after a few weeks due to an improvement in his behavior. A week later he had another mental break and was readmitted. Long story short he was scheduled to be released this week. I had nicely and calmly expressed my concern to my parents that I was weary having his uncle who was just released from a psych ward, and that had a psychotic break only weeks before, coming around my son so soon, and should maybe wait a few days to see how he is since his medicine has changed and I don’t know how he will be once he is out.
When I told him this right away they got defensive and felt like I was being unreasonable asking for that. The more I talked about it, the more I felt that they were downplaying how serious this was, and sarcastically told me you can do what you want, and then shortly hung up after I said goodbye.
It’s been a week since I’ve talked to them, and I am sure they think they have done nothing wrong. This has been going on for every situation that involves my sibling and I am frankly fed up, now that their limited view is possibly affecting my sons safety. Has anyone else had an experience like this? Thanks.
There will always be people out there that just don't want to get how serious it is when dealing with someone with some sort of drug addiction or mental illness or a combination of BOTH. I had dealt with this when I was married to my ex husband. He refused to admit that he was bi-polar,refused to take his meds off and on.It was a nightmare.Now mind you,his parents knew about all of this way before I had ever met him.They had gone through some hospitalizations with him before I ever met him...yet no one ever told me anything about it.I had to find out on my own through his episodes off and on.What you do is that you take care of YOU and YOUR immediate family and keep your son away from his uncle.Period.If your parents don't want to get it...then stay away from them too.It's not your problem.Let me guess...he's living in the parents home with them.You don't need to force yourself and your son around someone who is NOT stable.He can be a danger to your son if he's not well.Period.
I initially posted this in the Grandparents section under Parenting, but was recommended to post in here as well, so here goes:
I was wondering if anyone had experience with this...so I have an 18 month old son and a younger brother who has a history of drug use (he is better now) but ever since he was younger, my parents have always prioritized him over almost everything I had done. They even got mad at my choices during my engagement, wedding, sons christening, and basically any event that they felt my choice was not “fair” to my brother. Now that I have a wonderful family and they had become grandparents, the trend is still happening.
My sibling recently had a stint in the hospital due to some psychotic episodes, and was released after a few weeks due to an improvement in his behavior. A week later he had another mental break and was readmitted. Long story short he was scheduled to be released this week. I had nicely and calmly expressed my concern to my parents that I was weary having his uncle who was just released from a psych ward, and that had a psychotic break only weeks before, coming around my son so soon, and should maybe wait a few days to see how he is since his medicine has changed and I don’t know how he will be once he is out.
When I told him this right away they got defensive and felt like I was being unreasonable asking for that. The more I talked about it, the more I felt that they were downplaying how serious this was, and sarcastically told me you can do what you want, and then shortly hung up after I said goodbye.
It’s been a week since I’ve talked to them, and I am sure they think they have done nothing wrong. This has been going on for every situation that involves my sibling and I am frankly fed up, now that their limited view is possibly affecting my sons safety. Has anyone else had an experience like this? Thanks.
Wow, OP. It sounds like they just gave you your walking papers. These aren't people you can reason with, or who will ever see the light. Their myopia is a risk to you and your child. Take that seriously; they're not going to change.
So, as you process this weighty (and, I gather, somewhat unexpected) development, be aware that you'll have to take the difficult but necessary step, of drawing fortress-like boundaries around your family and your child, to keep him out of harm's way. Your family of origin has given you no other choice. Hopefully, the relationship with your husband's family is supportive, and not problematic. Orient yourself and your son toward the in-law side of things.
Your parents aren't healthy parents or grandparents, OP. That's the reality. If you need help processing this (it can be a shock, if you hadn't realized the extent of their personality disorder), feel free to get a few counseling sessions, to help you understand what you're up against. It could be enlightening, and also empowering, to have a clear picture of your parents' issues, and what you can, and can't, expect from them.
I think you received good advice in that other thread but I wonder if it went far enough.
Your parents are clearly unhinged when it comes to your brother, to the point of parsing every situation as "Will this cause our Golden Child Sonny to feel or look bad?" TBH, I would keep them away from your family as well until further notice. When (if) they ever start to act like decent human beings again, maybe some contact can resume. But they want to have a tight little family unit of three. I say, let them.
No need to fight about it or try to get them to see your point of view. They never will. Just lay down the law.
Please don't tell me, "But I want my children to have a good relationship with their grandparents." They treated you like crap. Hopefully your DH's parents are kind people who can model healthy family dynamics.
Sorry you drew the short straw in the parent lottery.
This is the crux of it. Your parents have thought of your brother as their Golden Child, and have made you at least to some extent the family scapegoat. This is a typical pattern of narcissistic parents. And astonishingly, the odd tendency is to make the healthy, higher-achieving child the scapegoat, and the loser child the Golden one, which doesn't make any sense, but that's how it often plays out. Such parents fail to see their special child's lackluster school performance, chronic problems with law enforcement or substance abuse, etc. from a realistic perspective. Everything that child does is viewed through rose-colored glasses.
Be grateful that you survived your upbringing in such a skewed reality, fairly unscathed. Now, as an adult and new parent, you'll have no choice but to come to grips with the dysfunction, and set boundaries, come up with policies, that will help you create a loving environment for your child, and keep the dysfunctional elements at a distance.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-03-2019 at 11:49 AM..
There will always be people out there that just don't want to get how serious it is when dealing with someone with some sort of drug addiction or mental illness or a combination of BOTH. I had dealt with this when I was married to my ex husband. He refused to admit that he was bi-polar,refused to take his meds off and on.It was a nightmare.Now mind you,his parents knew about all of this way before I had ever met him.They had gone through some hospitalizations with him before I ever met him...yet no one ever told me anything about it.I had to find out on my own through his episodes off and on.What you do is that you take care of YOU and YOUR immediate family and keep your son away from his uncle.Period.If your parents don't want to get it...then stay away from them too.It's not your problem.Let me guess...he's living in the parents home with them.You don't need to force yourself and your son around someone who is NOT stable.He can be a danger to your son if he's not well.Period.
All of this. You have to prioritize the welfare of your child.
Ironically, that is what your parents are doing with your brother.
But you are responsible for this young child, whom you brought into the world. IMO, it is fine to limit your contact with your parents and your brother.
I think you have to accept that your parents will never give you the wholehearted approval you want. I think you have to emotionally free yourself from the need and disappointment you feel because of their inability to love you the way you deserve. The family dynamic is not going to change. The only thing you can control is your reaction to them. Put some physical and emotional space between you and your parents.
If this seems too, too hard. Find a clergy person or therapist to talk through your feelings.
People show us who they are. Their behavior reflects their character. We don't always believe what they are showing us because sometimes who they are is not what we want them to be. We need to believe them and accept that the person they show us is the person they are and make our choices in that relationship on the basis of the truth they tell us about themselves, not by the image we have in our minds of how we want them to be.
Your parents have shown you over and over again who they are. You have confronted them, and they have shown you and told you where you and your child are in their priorities. Believe what they have shown you and what they have told you. They will not change. All that can change is how you interact with them (and with their favored child, who is clearly an extension of then) and how you allow them all to interact with your child. They will never be the parents or grandparents you want them to be, so stop trying to make them change or "see reason" or behave any differently. They have shown you who they are. Believe them.
I did not read the other thread so maybe there are other indicators but they may not see OP's sibling as the "Golden Child" so much as the "weaker" child that needs parental support more than OP. It's typical for the child with special needs to get the majority of mom and dad's time and energy even when that child grows into adulthood.
Now they could very well be narcissistic but I think we're often quick to label people that way, so I'm giving them a slight benefit of the doubt here. Even though he's an adult, he's their child (that apparently still needs them) just like your son is your child and just like you, their instinct is to protect him.
With that being said, they need to respect your decision when it comes to the safety of your child. I do not think you're wrong to stand your ground.
Are they unwilling to visit you and their grandson without your sibling in tow?
It sounds like they are giving you the time that you asked for. Perhaps you could check on them and see how things are going.
I also think that they are dealing with life and death situations where your brother is concerned so they are counting on you not to be dramatic.
It sounds like you chose that time to discuss your feelings, which is fine...your fears may well be valid....it just might have needed a bit more tack.
I hope that your family all gets better. Don't give up on your parents because they are overinvolved with the child that apparently needs them the most.
Perhaps do a bit of research on your brothers illness/issues and gage your concerns from there. Good luck to your family.
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