Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
What's done is done. I don't think being judgy is helpful to the OP in any way.
Yes, we all know that managing your money is the overriding obsession of your life. You post about it endlessly. You may not be aware that it frequently comes across as being a bit tone-deaf.
The parents are fortunate/blessed to have caring, loving daughters that don't hesitate to jump in and give substantial and ongoing assistance like housing.
I wasn't born in a family like this, nor am I expecting my son will/can provide the same care for us (not including the son with autism that we're not sure will be fully independent as an adult).
It is my obsession to make sure we stay off the government dole. As a tax payer you might be grateful!
I understand what you guys are saying, but they are in full panic mode. And I can't blame them given that all signs point to this money being gone forever and ever, Amen. And when you're talking about a fairly sizable rent and a much smaller nest egg, you want to be rid of as many obligations as possible as soon as possible. It's been 10 days since we were first alerted to the situation and the guy has not responded. If he had the money, he would have responded by now. It is gone.
I don't want to upset you even more but it is not unusual to have poor financial decisions be the first sign of dementia. Please watch for other poor decision making during their "full panic mode" that you children can help your parents avoid. You mentioned that your mother may sell her car because of limited parking by her daughter's house. Now that may be a great money saving decision, especially if your parents are having difficulties with safe driving or if it a second car, but it may be a terrible decision, if it means that your parents sell their only car and then need to rely on public transportation or Ubers or their children if they ever want to leave the house to go places. The ramifications of selling their car may be far reaching in terms of isolation. There may be alternatives to selling the car such as renting the garage of a neighbor or parking the car on a nearby street or storing the car (for now) at the home of another child until "the dust settles" and your parents have time to make more thought out, rational decisions.
In retrospect, making poor financial decisions was the very first indication of my late husband's dementia and showed up years before his official diagnosis. Later, other poor decisions were also likely due to his dementia. If I would have been more knowledgeable I would have investigated medical causes for his changes in behavior and cognitive skills much earlier and avoided some of the problems that he caused (which did very long term damage to our finances and other areas of our life).
Good luck to you and your family. Just keep an eye on other poor decisions that your parents may make because they are panicked and scared.
The guy is an unlikely flight risk as he is 70+, owns a home, and has a wife. I don't see him picking up and fleeing to the Caribbean. But how to proceed next?
And, yes, I know my Dad was naive and foolish. He didn't ask the right questions and chose to trust his old buddy. His mistake. But dwelling on that won't help. They need best next steps. We cannot afford to support them financially as we have our own issues to deal with.
Ok I'm not going to concentrate on what "shoulda, woulda, coulda" have been done. The money is gone, whether mom was on board, not on board or any other comment is irrelevant. It's gone.
1) family powwow. a hard truthfully look at the financial situation needs to be done and done immediately.
2) any legal avenue. lawyer up. don't care if this was an "old" buddy or the second coming of Christ. find out if there is any recourse to getting whatever funds are left.
3) you say they are in full "panic" mode?? very understandable so you need to step in and up. good decisions are hard to make in panic mode. I know it will be hard but some times when someone takes the rein, the person in panic mode will calm down.
now this last one is a suggestion for everyone and it's from a personal experience.
In 2013, I lost my wonderful husband of 30 years to cancer. he was 54
In 2014, I lost my baby brother to cancer at teh young age of 52
In 2015 I lost my best friend since I was 10 to a heart attack from obesity. she was 50.
I tell this story to let you and your whole family know, that you will be OK. yes it will be tough but you guys sound like a loving, extended family.. NEVER EVER LOSE sight of what you have.
how is that useful or helpful? if mom says she didn't like the idea does it make the money less gone??
No, but it makes the husband a first class jerk - it was her retirement also. I can't fathom doing something so GD stupid, but to do it against my wife's wishes? not in a thousand lifetimes.
Sorry for the rant, I know that last they the op needs is scorn, but c'mon.
No, but it makes the husband a first class jerk - it was her retirement also. I can't fathom doing something so GD stupid, but to do it against my wife's wishes? not in a thousand lifetimes.
Sorry for the rant, I know that last they the op needs is scorn, but c'mon.
Hey absolutely no argument from me but again, it's like when anyone royally screws up their life. Is constantly telling them they screwed up in anyway helpful? rarely.
All the folks who ignored the signs from Bernie Madoff, or any other con job, is beating them over their head with their stupidity help.
When I need help sorry the last thing I want or need to hear 20000X's is that I've been stupid. lol my Pastor says it all the time, some times people need more than prayer and derision.
No, but it makes the husband a first class jerk - it was her retirement also. I can't fathom doing something so GD stupid, but to do it against my wife's wishes? not in a thousand lifetimes.
Sorry for the rant, I know that last they the op needs is scorn, but c'mon.
She didn't like it. But she never say a word to me about it. No, "I'm worried about what your father is doing with our money" or anything like that. Different generation, different attitude. He was the breadwinner and money manager. She took care of the kids, the home, and organizing everything for everyone. That was the division of labor they've had for their entire 50+ year marriage. It's unlikely that a 76-year old woman would say, "Get out of this investment scheme or I walk." I'm sure it never even occurred to her to do something like that. BUT she could have voiced her concerns to me and my DH and she did not. For whatever reason.
Hold on. Aren't your parents sort of rushing into even more major, life changing decisions? Have they even checked on other living alternatives? In my area there are several low income living facilities for elderly, where they only pay 1/3 of their monthly income for rent & utilities. Some places even include one or more meals a day. In some cities, there are long waiting lists, in other cities (like mine) you can move right into a very nice, one or two bedroom apartment.
^^^^^ This has been mentioned several times, and is a very good idea. That way they can keep the car, and their privacy. Many of them are very nice. Check out the Housing Authority in your county. You could drive them around to visit different ones. They are not the projects. The car could be kept somewhere else until the dust settles. Also, if they broke their lease to move into your sister's place, won't they still have to pay the rest of what they owe on that lease? I wish the best for them, and your family.
We're in Atlanta. I'm sure there are lengthy wait lists for this. And when my sister offered, they accepted. The owner of their town house is actively trying to find new renters (two people looked at it today), so there's no time to waste. I suppose if/when they all get sick of each other, they could look at options such as those.
I don't mean right away, but after they get their strength back they could look around at low income senior places. The idea is to get on a waiting list for suitable places since they can be 3-5 years long, or longer in popular areas. They could get on several lists. You don't have to take a place when your name comes up if you change your mind. If they wait till they are sick of each other, and then start looking they would still have to wait a long time to get in. Eight people is a lot to have in one house. Or in smaller towns outside of the large areas the list can be much shorter. But they need to be near shopping, and good medical, some things that small towns can be lacking in. Moving is awful even when much younger, but is especially hard on the elderly. And after the stress of getting ripped off they must be exhausted.
I’m so sorry OP. This has to be a very hard place to be for yourself and your parents. Is there someone to keep tabs on your father? After everything going on and going through drastic changes, he might feel like everything is his fault and do something drastic. I had a family member that at a young age, got himself into a financial hole and just simply didn’t see a way out, when there were many
Prayers to you OP and your family.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
