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View Poll Results: Would you give a former bully a second chance?
Yes 25 62.50%
No 15 37.50%
Voters: 40. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 05-13-2019, 11:54 PM
Status: "Did I just roll my eyes out loud?" (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Columbia, SC
7,321 posts, read 4,408,566 times
Reputation: 8819

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Real forgiveness is better for the one doing the forgiving than the one they are extending it, too. It's better to forgive someone their past sins then to carry that hurt and anger around you. Forgivness does not mean you are best buds with the transgressor. It just means that you have moved on.
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Old 05-14-2019, 12:01 AM
Status: "Did I just roll my eyes out loud?" (set 4 days ago)
 
Location: Columbia, SC
7,321 posts, read 4,408,566 times
Reputation: 8819
As the youngest child with two olde sisters, I appreciated when they looked after me. But I did not appreciate it when they ket sticking their nose in my business. At 17m your brother is old enough to make decisions for his own. Certainly your parents should keep an eye on the situation, but inviting the guy over and then interrogating him is nt the way to go in my book.
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Old 05-14-2019, 03:57 AM
 
Location: NJ
10,596 posts, read 21,256,134 times
Reputation: 8629
Quote:
Originally Posted by Veronica97 View Post
Carrying a daily, persistent pattern of tormenting someone for 4 years and making them feel miserable isn't an accident nor should even be called that.

Yes, twice that I know of. First in Feb to both my brother and parents and then yesterday to my mother through fb.


As to why I can't easily move on like my brother has, well I fail to mention at there was a time my brother has getting seen by a psychologist, his school grades were dropping and he had a lost in appetite. In the beginning we had no idea what was going on because he would keep it all to himself. We had to find out through Alex.
As someone else mentioned, I'm protecting my brother at this moment from any harm. My parents are in protective mode too. My brother is well and happy again. We want him to remain that way. It took a while to get to that point.
Is or was he bullying anyone else or just your brother? 4 years is a long time to be bullied. My opinion, it could have been a combination of your brother kicking his butt plus he grew up.

I hope your brother doesn't get too close to him because he's probably the type to turn on someone with telling secrets
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Old 05-14-2019, 08:16 AM
 
6,359 posts, read 2,280,949 times
Reputation: 14616
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144 View Post
Nope. I would say "thank you very much for saving my life {rescuing animals, helping old ladies to bridge club, researching cures for cancer" but it wouldn't mean I'd feel the need to add them to my life. Even if they apologized for what they did formerly. "Apology accepted, thank you, goodbye."

Just because a person doesn't want to see another person die doesn't mean they're not still a jerk.

Did this guy even approach you about friendship, or did you approach him? If the latter, why?

It's okay to not bring people back into your life for no other reason than that you don't need them. You're not obligated to be forever friends with everyone you've never known. Life and people move on. Not everyone is friends with everyone else. You're grateful to the guy, but what are you missing that he will add to your life that you must now be friends with him? It's not about harboring resentment or holding a grudge. It's about simply not feeling the need to bring every person in the world into your personal fold, especially if they have proven in the past that they don't deserve to be there. You can cut someone out of your life, and keep them out, without still having any resentment or ill-will toward them. If he has changed, then he can find new friends; there's no need for him to go digging up past hurt with people he's been cruel to. If no one he has been mean to in the past will now be friends with him, well, he has learned a lesson about why you don't do that and why he should be different going forward.

I could not imagine going to someone I'd been mean to or purposefully offended and expecting them to do anything besides tell me where to go and shove a hot coal you-know-where; why would I deserve anything otherwise or expect them to trust me? Even if I'd done something for them that I hope any decent human being would do (prevent another's death if able to do so).

Maybe that's the "Facebook problem." Everyone thinks they need to friend everyone who asks, keep finding more and more people to be friends with, even though the people they already have in their life are enough.




I cannot imagine wanting to be friends with someone who is interested in bullying those weaker than them, then once it is proven that someone is as strong as or stronger than they are, they want to kowtow and be friends.

My friends like me for who I am, not whether I can beat them up. My friends don't pick on people weaker than they are and cozy up to people stronger than they are (in fact, I hope my friends would defend and feel compassion for those weaker than they are and stand up to those stronger if need be). I don't need that kind of self-centered, manipulative, brown-nosing, bullying person in my life.

Hmmm. Why am I feeling judged and found wanting, for something that happened in 5th grade?
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Old 05-14-2019, 12:06 PM
 
Location: Frisco, TX
1,152 posts, read 517,834 times
Reputation: 1839
I think Iíd forgive the bully even if they didnít do a good deed. Itís called moving on.
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Old 05-14-2019, 01:59 PM
 
22 posts, read 6,081 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by petsandgardens View Post
What does "forgive" mean to you? How do you see yourself acting differently if you forgive him?
Forgiving is when you've reached a point of fully moving on from an event and closing the chapter for good. It means you no longer hold the wrongdoer responsible nor feel hurt. It means you can accept it happened and not talk about it anymore.

To answer your second question, that would take some time. However, if I see he continues making progress through actions, do as he promised (no bullying and defending my brother and others) and my brother continues to be happy well then I'll reconsider it and forgive by then. I can forgive but it requires the wrongdoer's hard work and proving me they really changed as time passed by.
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Old 05-14-2019, 02:08 PM
 
22 posts, read 6,081 times
Reputation: 23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
Is or was he bullying anyone else or just your brother? 4 years is a long time to be bullied. My opinion, it could have been a combination of your brother kicking his butt plus he grew up.

I hope your brother doesn't get too close to him because he's probably the type to turn on someone with telling secrets
He was bullying a couple other guys but my brother was the one bullied the most. Two years ago, he once made a girl transferred to another HS (not to be heard from again) after spreading a false rumor of her being a hooker that sleeps around.
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Old 05-14-2019, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Midwest
4,210 posts, read 7,109,796 times
Reputation: 7032
Quote:
Originally Posted by redplum33 View Post
In this situation, yes, I would forgive him. He saved your brother's life while putting himself in harm's way.

Though I do wonder if the (former?) bully has actually changed his ways or if he just stopped bullying your brother because your brother toughened up. Does he still bully other kids?
I would wait. Bullying is sadism, it's a character flaw and I don't think it magically goes POOF! and disappears.

Administering a most-deserved arse whuppin was an excellent public service that OP's brother performed. I'd watch this pot to see if it boils again or if it just stays put.

Sometimes a Come To Jesus Moment DOES change a life. Time will tell.
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Old 05-14-2019, 02:26 PM
 
Location: Kentucky
474 posts, read 296,926 times
Reputation: 2100
No one needs to forgive the bully except your brother, and maybe, one day, the bully himself. I was not a nice kid when I was young, and I sometimes have trouble dealing with that. I try to be a better person as an adult.
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Old 05-14-2019, 02:41 PM
 
6,266 posts, read 3,381,728 times
Reputation: 3449
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy View Post
Hmmm. Why am I feeling judged and found wanting, for something that happened in 5th grade?
Possibly because many who were frequent targets of bullies carry the memories of what happened in the 5th grade for a lifetime.
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