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It is just that their belief system is so fundamentally different from mine. Yes, I believe it is right to eat clean. live clean, tell the truth, acknowledge and respect other people, and generally live in gratitude .
That aside, let's say I believe that everyone should cheat on their mate, lie to get money, and kick dogs, but my friends don't believe that. We would still be fundamentally different.
Either way it goes with who is "the bad one" and who is "the good one" matters not. I am not growing spiritually by being friends with the group (or at least by not having other friends) and wonder if possibly, I am even being pulled into a deficit. When I expand on how I refuse to let myself be pulled backward, a lot of you guys villainize me.
I obviously believe that my way is right, as I would HOPE that everyone believes THEIR way is right. That is what I am confused about: Do they think their ways are correct, or are they making poor choices on purpose?
And which one of those would be worse than the other--> knowing you're doing wrong and doing it anyway, or lacking the interest in learning how to become better?
The little details about each one of the ladies would be long, boring, and I know you guys wouldn't read-LOL. But I made the mistake in thinking that you would trust when I say that "help! my friends and I are so very different and I get sick of being odd man out. How do I make more friends?"
Is it so impossible to just trust when I say I want to be better, and want to surround myself with others who want to be better?
The problem is that you present their way as being “pulled backward” instead of being a different way. You’ve presented nothing to suggest that they are cheating on their mates, lying to get money, or kicking dogs. That is WAY different from eating out at a restaurant and not living in gratitude. I believe my way is right FOR ME. I don’t necessarily believe my way is right FOR OTHER PEOPLE, and I think that is the problem you are facing. You believe your way is right for everyone, and it might not be. Their choices might not be a poor choice for them. They may not have any health problems related to going out to eat with friends once in a while.
"Either way it goes with who is "the bad one" and who is "the good one" matters not. I am not growing spiritually by being friends with the group (or at least by not having other friends) and wonder if possibly, I am even being pulled into a deficit. When I expand on how I refuse to let myself be pulled backward, a lot of you guys villainize me."
That's not it. What bothers me (and I suspect others here) is that you seem to be blaming these "friends" for holding you back. Blaming them for your discontent. How exactly are they doing this? What secret powers do they have? Are they kidnapping you and forcing donuts down your throat? Brainwashing you into doing unethical immoral things? Don't you have self will? IMHO it sounds more as if you are afraid to step away from the familiar, the habitual. So, you blame the familiar and the habitual for it.
If you want to grow spiritually its up to you to take action for yourself and leave them behind. How can they be pulling you into a deficit unless you allow it? The way all this is coming off is that you have nothing good to say about these friends, want nothing they want, don't care to engage in activities they do, and yet you are complaining about their ability to prevent you from doing what you want. You are an autonomous being. Doesn't sound like anyone is stopping you.
"I obviously believe that my way is right, as I would HOPE that everyone believes THEIR way is right. That is what I am confused about: Do they think their ways are correct, or are they making poor choices on purpose?"
Who knows? You won't find out unless you ask them. They may not have such strong feelings about many aspects of their lives and may not be able to tell you. Not everyone is so driven. Once again, its not up to you to decide what's right for others, it's up to them to decide what's right for them. Don't really understand why you must know this, considering you are planning on disengaging yourself from these people.
"The little details about each one of the ladies would be long, boring, and I know you guys wouldn't read-LOL. But I made the mistake in thinking that you would trust when I say that "help! my friends and I are so very different and I get sick of being odd man out. How do I make more friends?""
Of course people here "trust" that you want to leave this group behind and why you are different. The question still is...what's stopping you? You are attempting to draw away, they are starting to draw away. The process is already happening. Keep it going.
No one needs or wants to read even more detailed criticisms of these people. You've made it clear how flawed they are and keep dwelling on it. Repeatedly complaining and blaming others is just procrastination. You seem to need to build a stronger and stronger case...why? You have made yourself the "odd man out" all by yourself. Accept it and go get involved with the causes and interests you have. Posters have already made helpful suggestions for how to do this. Go do it!
"Is it so impossible to just trust when I say I want to be better, and want to surround myself with others who want to be better?"
Of course not. Who isn't trusting what you say? No one here. You've said this again and again. Its completely your choice to be "better" and be with "better" people. What you keep doing is dwelling on the past instead of getting on with it. Are you trying to convince a bunch of web forum strangers or yourself? Who isn't trusting you? No one here.
Totally agree w everything you said.
I have tried repeatedly to reach out to other friends/acquaintances for everything from glass of wine, to music festivals to yoga retreats. Everyone is so non committal: e.g. "so good to hear from you! I am busy this entire month unfortunately, but let's talk about June" then never hear from them again. Or, make plans and break them last minute. I end up hanging with the old group because I do have fun w them, and apparently, I don't have anyone else (for now).
I have asked why they make decisions- bear in mind I have known these ladies 30+ years. Their answers are always in the realm of "I am human" like that excuses bad decision after bad decision. Like I said, some have real health issues, and instead of loving their children enough to stay on Earth a little longer, they choose to gorge themselves with crap. Don't get it. It's selfish, and that is one thing I cannot stomach.
Finally, here is what really jerked me into final reality of noticing the vast differences. My life is great and wonderful and I have but one worry: my oldest daughter. She is emotionally troubled and wants to die- says it will happen one day (yes, I see a professional about this, and so does she). When I had a melt down one day, I said " I feel like I am on the ledge of a skyscraper in a windstorm and I don't know when I will be blown off the ledge. Can you imagine living like this every day". To this, I received advice on how I should correct her behavior, along with insinuations that it was my fault, and a very clear underlying condition of them not even wanting to try to understand my constant pain. Sadly, 2 are psychologists, one is a pediatrician, and 2 are teachers. You would think that aside from compassion as a friend, they would have also had some actual scientific insight. Contrast that with the fact that one lady has a special needs child and she is constantly fawned over and catered to because of "how difficult it must be".
Ever since then, each thing that happens is a glaring reminder of being the outcast.
But then no one else wants to be my friend either so....
Perhaps y'all are correct who basically insinuated that I am inherently unlikable....
"I have tried repeatedly to reach out to other friends/acquaintances for everything from glass of wine, to music festivals to yoga retreats. Everyone is so non committal: e.g. "so good to hear from you! I am busy this entire month unfortunately"
These people may simply be giving you a polite brush-off because they don't want to go to your festival or yoga retreat. Your invitations may be coming across as "loaded" with significance. That can be as appealing as attending a lecture on electrical circuitry. Nothing dictates that you can't go to these events yourself. If you don't go because you won't go alone, that's a different issue.
"I have asked why they make decisions- bear in mind I have known these ladies 30+ years. Their answers are always in the realm of "I am human" like that excuses bad decision after bad decision. Like I said, some have real health issues, and instead of loving their children enough to stay on Earth a little longer, they choose to gorge themselves with crap. Don't get it. It's selfish, and that is one thing I cannot stomach."
We get it. You can't stomach much. If someone, no matter how long term a "friend", interrogated me about my life in such a condescending manner I'd be insulted and embarrassed. This isn't about being right or wrong, it is about being put on trial. You are insinuating that they need their flaws pointed out for their own good. It is self-righteous and preachy. What you feel about these women is oozing through your words. No wonder people are not taking you up on invitations. Are they going to get an unsolicited critique on the way to the festival? Pretty steep admission ticket.
"Finally, here is what really jerked me into final reality of noticing the vast differences. My life is great and wonderful and I have but one worry: my oldest daughter. She is emotionally troubled and wants to die- says it will happen one day (yes, I see a professional about this, and so does she)."
How old is this daughter? You have no idea why she's struggling? Really? She sounds a lot like you TBH. Wonder where she picked that up?
"When I had a melt down one day, I said " I feel like I am on the ledge of a skyscraper in a windstorm and I don't know when I will be blown off the ledge. Can you imagine living like this every day". To this, I received advice on how I should correct her behavior, along with insinuations that it was my fault, and a very clear underlying condition of them not even wanting to try to understand my constant pain."
This was telling. One brief sentence about your daughter and then the conversation was immediately redirected back to yourself and how miserable you are. Your daughter is another burden you have to bear.
"Sadly, 2 are psychologists, one is a pediatrician, and 2 are teachers. You would think that aside from compassion as a friend, they would have also had some actual scientific insight. Contrast that with the fact that one lady has a special needs child and she is constantly fawned over and catered to because of "how difficult it must be"."
There it is again. The put down. You are right and everyone else is wrong. Nothing anyone suggests could possibly be helpful. You alone are the one who stands firm in the face of adversity. A lonely beacon of worthiness surrounded by a sea of useless people. No one other than you has the right to suffer because their life has challenges. Your comment about the mom with the special needs child was simple jealousy over the attention someone else received.
One has to ask: If you know all and they don't, why isn't your daughter doing better under your wing? I'd venture to guess that she's learned her habits of thinking from you. You are eternally dissatisfied and self-righteous, so you are unhappy. Kids are sponges. You've modeled for her.
"Ever since then, each thing that happens is a glaring reminder of being the outcast. But then no one else wants to be my friend either so....Perhaps y'all are correct who basically insinuated that I am inherently unlikable...."
Outcast? If so, it's self-imposed. You want to be recognized as either victim or martyr. My dear, you are whining, wallowing in your misery and blaming everyone else for it. No one is good enough for you but you want their approval anyway.
One has to wonder: In one sentence you claim that your life is great because of the personal choices you make. In the next sentence you moan about being victimized by others. Does not compute. Guess those lesser beings are good for one thing after all...keeping you the center of their attention.
OP I realize this sounds harsh. What your motivation seemed to be in the OP morphed into something quite different as the thread went on. A lot of repeated validation for yourself and a lot of blame for others.
Last edited by Parnassia; 05-18-2019 at 02:42 PM..
I have asked why they make decisions- bear in mind I have known these ladies 30+ years. Their answers are always in the realm of "I am human" like that excuses bad decision after bad decision. Like I said, some have real health issues, and instead of loving their children enough to stay on Earth a little longer, they choose to gorge themselves with crap. Don't get it. It's selfish, and that is one thing I cannot stomach.
Wow. So eating the occasional donut or fried food is making a "bad decision"? Yeah, that's what women want to hear from their friends.
You must be superhuman if you won't accept "I am human" as an explanation for eating poorly (in your opinion). No one is perfect, but it sure sounds like you think you are, and that your way is the right way and there is no other way. If I'm interpreting what you're saying incorrectly, please tell me. But if not, I have to say that if you're looking for perfection (or your version of perfection, i.e., conforming exactly to the way you live your life) from your peers, then you're definitely going to have trouble making new friends in the future.
I eat a pretty clean diet, but when I go out to eat, I eat what I want. The last time involved 3 desserts for 3 people and we enjoyed them thoroughly. Tonight is a party, same thing, I ate some healthy stuff before I left, and now will eat... and drink what I want.
Friends support each other, not get all judgey.
"I know you've been complaining about weight, and you will be so proud of yourself if you get salad! No? The fried chicken? You go girl! I'll stop by tomorrow and we can run an extra mile, I'll bring a green smoothie for after."
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Finally, here is what really jerked me into final reality of noticing the vast differences. My life is great and wonderful and I have but one worry: my oldest daughter. She is emotionally troubled and wants to die- says it will happen one day (yes, I see a professional about this, and so does she). When I had a melt down one day, I said " I feel like I am on the ledge of a skyscraper in a windstorm and I don't know when I will be blown off the ledge. Can you imagine living like this every day".
In another thread, you talked about your mother and how she was unloving. When I read your statement, I see a cry for help from someone who was emotionally neglected growing up.
"I feel like I am on the ledge of a skyscraper in a windstorm and I don't know when I will be blown off the ledge. Can you imagine living like this every day?"
You don't have an anchor because you didn't feel secure and loved as a child. Emotional neglect is a horrible thing to do to a child.
Quote:
But then no one else wants to be my friend either so....
I'm sure they would, but you push people away with your impossibly high standards. Do you think that might be a defense mechanism to guard yourself from further pain?
I'm also wondering whether the OP might be a little bit---not envious, exactly---but wishing SHE could indulge in the occasional cake or pizza, and hiding it from herself.
Why not just cut them off? Why do you need to find new friends first? The fact that you do not enjoy these people in your life and do not want them in it anymore has nothing to do with whether you have other people to hang out with. This isn't like "I hate my job but can't quit until I find another one because otherwise I couldn't pay the bills."
What exactly do you have against doing some things alone? You mentioned a yoga class, or a charity walk. Why do you need someone to do it with you?
Try Meetup, groups interested in hiking, yoga, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968
I do care about them. That is why I so badly want them to take care of themselves. They are starting to get sick and will die far earlier than they should if they don't get a handle on their health.
Not everyone wants to live forever. Every time I read that drinking a sweetened coffee on occasion will shorten my life by 6 months or whatever, I realize: why the hell would I want to live until I'm so old I can't remember who I am, I can't walk, and some stranger is wiping my arse, or until my retirement savings run out and I can no longer afford to live? I've seen it with people I love and no thanks. I'd rather go before I can't live anymore. Maybe they feel the same way. Not everyone anticipates that they're still going to be hiking the Great Wall at 95, you know.
Remember, no one's ever "stuck" in anything. Not where they live, not even w/ family if they don't love & support you, not the type of career they have, not a certain job position (well if there's a contract, break it or get out of it as soon as possible), etc. OR anything else that makes you unhappy. So why even ask about friends of all things? Friends come & go. Good loyal ones should be there for you, but even then sometimes they do odd things that we may never know why.
OP, I think you should focus on your oldest daughter and doing things with her. Not saying you can't have friends, but these friends don't sound like the most fulfilling, so your time is probably better spent trying to figure out how to help your kid. Take her on hikes and to do community service projects. I don't think you should try to be her best friend, but helping her engage more with the world would be the objective.
I have made like minded friends by joining meetup groups for activities I like, and also by getting a retail job in a bookstore. But maybe a parenting support group would be a good outlet.
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