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Old 05-19-2019, 03:14 PM
 
4,695 posts, read 1,172,702 times
Reputation: 3647

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
Nope, that's about it.
For example: I work with 2 other women. We have separate offices and do not interact or socialize at all. For some reason, the office does a little birthday song, candles, cake, card for each person. When it comes to my birthday do I: go against everything I believe and eat the cake, feel sick and in pain, AND ashamed of myself for the rest of the day, or do I politely say "please don't do this for my birthday. Cake and hoopla is just not my thing."
I chose the latter
I did not say "Oh. My. God. You guys eat CAKE?!?!? I mean don't we know in 2019 that all that processed food is bad for us?!?!?!"
Of course I didn't.

Even when people push me and ask me why this and why that, I simply say that I feel it is what works for me, and leave it at that.

Yet, these 2 ladies cannot wait to be mean to me, making fun of every vegetable I eat, making fun of me for going to my other job (as a fitness professional) when I leave the office.

And yet, when I describe about my friends, about my co-workers, people want to jump to the assumption that it MUST be me acting superior.

That's what I meant by "not the first time"

Here's another:

One friend just sent a meme to the group text. It's kind of long, but part of it says something about how taking care of yourself is to "eat the delicious food". To me, that line of thinking is so backward. I didn't say anything, I didn't send an emoji, I did nothing.

If my ONE AND ONLY choice to "not looking superior" is to agree with something that I think is wrong, then there is something very flawed in that advice
Ok, here is my take on these. Saying cake and hoopla 'are not my thing' implies judgement and when pushed saying something like 'I feel that's what works for me' is kind of cold sounding. You could say something simple like "I don't eat sugar because it makes me feel awful'. That comment doesn't imply ANYTHING about the commenter which is what your comments did. You could still socialize with the group and not eat any cake.

There are tons of progressive groups on meetup. I know because I tried to find some groups and all of them were progressive, which is not my thing. I have often met progressives who have a morally superior than thou attitude and I am not saying you do. Just something to think about.

I understand wanting your friends to be healthy. I am in my 50's as well and I would love to work on eating healthier and sometimes I do but my husband drinks a lot of soda and eats popsicles every night. Nothing I say to him is going to make a dam$ bit of difference. Up until about 2 years ago, he worked out 5 days a week and quit doing that. He isn't obese or anything, but I think it is more important than ever to work out. In other words, you can lead a horse to water...
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Old 05-20-2019, 09:31 AM
 
Location: DFW
477 posts, read 135,403 times
Reputation: 787
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia View Post
"I have tried repeatedly to reach out to other friends/acquaintances for everything from glass of wine, to music festivals to yoga retreats. Everyone is so non committal: e.g. "so good to hear from you! I am busy this entire month unfortunately"

These people may simply be giving you a polite brush-off because they don't want to go to your festival or yoga retreat. Your invitations may be coming across as "loaded" with significance. That can be as appealing as attending a lecture on electrical circuitry. Nothing dictates that you can't go to these events yourself. If you don't go because you won't go alone, that's a different issue.

"I have asked why they make decisions- bear in mind I have known these ladies 30+ years. Their answers are always in the realm of "I am human" like that excuses bad decision after bad decision. Like I said, some have real health issues, and instead of loving their children enough to stay on Earth a little longer, they choose to gorge themselves with crap. Don't get it. It's selfish, and that is one thing I cannot stomach."

We get it. You can't stomach much. If someone, no matter how long term a "friend", interrogated me about my life in such a condescending manner I'd be insulted and embarrassed. This isn't about being right or wrong, it is about being put on trial. You are insinuating that they need their flaws pointed out for their own good. It is self-righteous and preachy. What you feel about these women is oozing through your words. No wonder people are not taking you up on invitations. Are they going to get an unsolicited critique on the way to the festival? Pretty steep admission ticket.

"Finally, here is what really jerked me into final reality of noticing the vast differences. My life is great and wonderful and I have but one worry: my oldest daughter. She is emotionally troubled and wants to die- says it will happen one day (yes, I see a professional about this, and so does she)."

How old is this daughter? You have no idea why she's struggling? Really? She sounds a lot like you TBH. Wonder where she picked that up?

"When I had a melt down one day, I said " I feel like I am on the ledge of a skyscraper in a windstorm and I don't know when I will be blown off the ledge. Can you imagine living like this every day". To this, I received advice on how I should correct her behavior, along with insinuations that it was my fault, and a very clear underlying condition of them not even wanting to try to understand my constant pain."

This was telling. One brief sentence about your daughter and then the conversation was immediately redirected back to yourself and how miserable you are. Your daughter is another burden you have to bear.

"Sadly, 2 are psychologists, one is a pediatrician, and 2 are teachers. You would think that aside from compassion as a friend, they would have also had some actual scientific insight. Contrast that with the fact that one lady has a special needs child and she is constantly fawned over and catered to because of "how difficult it must be"."

There it is again. The put down. You are right and everyone else is wrong. Nothing anyone suggests could possibly be helpful. You alone are the one who stands firm in the face of adversity. A lonely beacon of worthiness surrounded by a sea of useless people. No one other than you has the right to suffer because their life has challenges. Your comment about the mom with the special needs child was simple jealousy over the attention someone else received.

One has to ask: If you know all and they don't, why isn't your daughter doing better under your wing? I'd venture to guess that she's learned her habits of thinking from you. You are eternally dissatisfied and self-righteous, so you are unhappy. Kids are sponges. You've modeled for her.

"Ever since then, each thing that happens is a glaring reminder of being the outcast. But then no one else wants to be my friend either so....Perhaps y'all are correct who basically insinuated that I am inherently unlikable...."

Outcast? If so, it's self-imposed. You want to be recognized as either victim or martyr. My dear, you are whining, wallowing in your misery and blaming everyone else for it. No one is good enough for you but you want their approval anyway.

One has to wonder: In one sentence you claim that your life is great because of the personal choices you make. In the next sentence you moan about being victimized by others. Does not compute. Guess those lesser beings are good for one thing after all...keeping you the center of their attention.

OP I realize this sounds harsh. What your motivation seemed to be in the OP morphed into something quite different as the thread went on. A lot of repeated validation for yourself and a lot of blame for others.

Well, I guess you set me straight. Not only do I now realize that I have no redeeming qualities which would make any of these ladies even WANT to be my friend, nor any other sad souls whom I might reach out to, but also I realize that my oldest daughter's depression and suicidal ideology are entirely my responsibility.
At least I now know I have 100% control over not only my own horrible-ness, but also the actions of others.
I am just sad for all those moms who have lost their kids to suicide that you were not there to set them straight before it was too late.
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Old 05-20-2019, 11:32 AM
 
25,959 posts, read 28,383,327 times
Reputation: 24624
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
Those who have said that I do things to feel superior, this is not the first time I have heard that accusation. However, I don't get how I am supposed to choose NOT to be healthy just so I don't offend someone (?) That's weird. So when I go out to eat with them I have to order the pizza instead of the veggies or else *I* am the bad person??
It's not about what you do. It's your thoughts/attitude about it.
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Old 05-20-2019, 02:40 PM
 
2,729 posts, read 710,967 times
Reputation: 7004
Quote:
Originally Posted by mysticaltyger View Post
It's not about what you do. It's your thoughts/attitude about it.

How would her friends know her thoughts? Are they mind readers?


I understand exactly, OP. I am a healthy eater and nondrinker and live a life with no drama, always making the best decisions I can. People find this boring or threatening. Drinkers don't want to be around nondrinkers! They don't want to be around someone eating a salad or veggies while they eat fried foods and meats. And some of the friends who aren't living their most healthful lives may actually not have the energy to get together for quality interactions---just more of the drinking and bad eating. Of course it's their choice and they are entitled to make it, just as they are entitled to not find your way appealing. But I can definitely see how it wouldn't be fun for them or you. In a perfect world, such choices could be overlooked in lieu of the deeper qualities that make someone a good friend/person. In reality the time spent together may not be nourishing/uplifting for you as you would like and not fun/comfortable for them.
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Old 05-20-2019, 02:56 PM
 
3,000 posts, read 2,000,723 times
Reputation: 5880
I've never been around anyone who cared what someone else ate or drank while we were out.
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Old 05-20-2019, 03:39 PM
 
Location: DFW
477 posts, read 135,403 times
Reputation: 787
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nonchalance View Post
I've never been around anyone who cared what someone else ate or drank while we were out.
I think it is because we have known each other so long- like sisters. They will say "is that all you're going to eat?" or "don't you want just one bite of this (something carb-y or sugar-y)?" That kind of thing. I know they don't mean anything by it, but, as I said from the beginning it just highlights how I am different from the others. I just wish they would not keep highlighting how blissfully alike they are and how different I am.
That said, people at work whom I don't know very well also make fun of what I eat. I dunno...maybe it's Texas???? yea, kinda weird

Last edited by MarshaBrady1968; 05-20-2019 at 03:55 PM..
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Old 05-20-2019, 04:26 PM
 
3,882 posts, read 1,653,901 times
Reputation: 7883
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarshaBrady1968 View Post
I think it is because we have known each other so long- like sisters. They will say "is that all you're going to eat?" or "don't you want just one bite of this (something carb-y or sugar-y)?" That kind of thing. I know they don't mean anything by it, but, as I said from the beginning it just highlights how I am different from the others. I just wish they would not keep highlighting how blissfully alike they are and how different I am.
That said, people at work whom I don't know very well also make fun of what I eat. I dunno...maybe it's Texas???? yea, kinda weird
Why does it bother you so much? I have never been able to drink alcohol and Iíve just had to suck it up and realize that most people are able to drink alcohol with no issues. This makes me different, but that doesnít mean it defines friendships I have. My best friend actually loves to attend beer festivals and likes craft beers. She goes to many festivals with her husband and other friends, but obviously that is not something we do together. It is no big deal. We are allowed to have different interests! No one is doing anything to highly how they are different, they are just doing it because that is what makes them who they are! Many people like to bond about food and drink. There is nothing wrong with that.
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Old 05-20-2019, 07:35 PM
 
1,175 posts, read 785,970 times
Reputation: 4179
Do you like these ladies? Are they stopping you personally from growing “spiritually”? Are they stopping you from making new friends? Do you accept them for who they are?

Get involved in activities you enjoy and find people who share your interest.
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Old 05-21-2019, 09:26 AM
 
6,778 posts, read 3,675,564 times
Reputation: 17925
Quote:
Originally Posted by jazzcat22 View Post
How would her friends know her thoughts? Are they mind readers?
....
I have a relative much like the OP. You know their thoughts because they are sure to let you know. Usually in a myriad of oh so helpful passive aggressive little digs. Their self righteous superiority over eating habits scream out loud and clear even if they claim to have said nothing.

It's basically like a religion with the same prothelsizing and judgement as you see from fundamentalists.

And yes even going to a restaurant can be difficult in finding an agreeable place and embarrassing as they make a scene over every ingredient on the menu.
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Old 05-22-2019, 10:12 AM
 
698 posts, read 429,637 times
Reputation: 705
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict View Post
Why does it bother you so much? I have never been able to drink alcohol and Iíve just had to suck it up and realize that most people are able to drink alcohol with no issues. This makes me different, but that doesnít mean it defines friendships I have. My best friend actually loves to attend beer festivals and likes craft beers. She goes to many festivals with her husband and other friends, but obviously that is not something we do together. It is no big deal. We are allowed to have different interests! No one is doing anything to highly how they are different, they are just doing it because that is what makes them who they are! Many people like to bond about food and drink. There is nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, my husband doesn't drink and when we go out to dinner, I'll have a glass or two of wine. Doesn't bother him in the slightest. At the ladies nights that I mentioned upthread, sometimes all of us will have dessert, other times only some of us, and no one cares! Now, if the OP is being made to feel bad about not having dessert, that's a different story. But I'm not getting that from her posts.


OP, the next time your friends offer you dessert or another food you prefer not to eat, you can say something similar to, "I've mentioned before that I don't eat [sweets/that type of food], so I would appreciate if you don't continue to offer it to me every time we're out. I love getting together with everyone and it doesn't bother me at all if I'm the only one without [x food] in front of me. So don't worry about me at all and please continue to enjoy!' Also, perhaps you can get a nice hot cup of tea while they're having dessert?
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