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I live a healthy and clean lifestyle. Health is, in fact, the only thing I am truly passionate about (other than my kids). I am also a Progressive thinker and doer, lean far to the left on every topic, and am 100% convicted.
It starts with places to eat - I don't want to waste money and time on "taking more than my share" by going to a stupid restaurant. I swear to God that is all they want to do
I want our trips to involve hiking, cycling, yoga, or something where we are taking care of the planet.
I want music outings to involve what's new, who is up-and-coming, and NOT reliving the 80's over and over and over again
Just some small examples of the total and complete fundamental differences. I think each of them does have a similar feeling about one or two aspects of their lives, but all of them have an outside group of friends they do stuff with.
There was this yoga thing I really wanted to go to. I asked just for the sake of it, and of course no one interested. I asked my "yoga" friends, and no one would commit.
I wanted to do this charity walk, which not only is giving anyway, but also giving to a very specific thing that is important to me. I figured as friends, they would do it just because they know what a difficult thing I have been through and want to give to this charity, but when I asked, I heard crickets
Personally I like hiking and biking and trying new restaurants. I like yoga and I like the occasional lemondrop cocktail. I have different friends for different activities. I have no problems doing things on my own. I have made new friends that way. I don't know if there are any one size fits all friends. I don't think you will ever find a group of friends that will all be just the way you want. We love our friends in spite of their faults, or differences from us. Some of your friends quite possibly love you in spite of your political leanings, food idiosyncrasies, and other quirks.
I'm not sure what you want either, OP. Are you looking for new friends who share your interests? Start a MeetUp group in your area by going to Meetup.com. You can organize any type of group activity you want - hiking, camping, social outings, yoga class, charity drives...whatever. Let the people come to you.
^^^^^this. But you will find the groups already in place and won't need to start a new one.
Having friends and being a friend are two very different things. You may think they fall short of your standards, but are you truly a friend to any of them...are you concerned with their well being and their happiness, or just your own? Are you a good friend, is what I'm asking. Maybe you're the one who falls short of their standards?
I do care about them. That is why I so badly want them to take care of themselves. They are starting to get sick and will die far earlier than they should if they don't get a handle on their health.
There are causes that hit close to home for them- causes they care about- that I will go out and work for on their behalf, donate to, etc, because they are my friends.
I do not ignore text messages or phone calls. As stated, every event is something they want to do, not me, and I gladly go just to get time with the girls I love, though the activity is not what I would have wanted.
I have gone to great lengths and expense to make sure I am there for every life event (wedding, kids, etc).
All of the above things I have stated that I do for them out of love, I do not get in return. I don't give to them ever expecting that I would get it back- I give to give- but you asked so I am explaining.
Those who have said that I do things to feel superior, this is not the first time I have heard that accusation. However, I don't get how I am supposed to choose NOT to be healthy just so I don't offend someone (?) That's weird. So when I go out to eat with them I have to order the pizza instead of the veggies or else *I* am the bad person??
Those who have said that I do things to feel superior, this is not the first time I have heard that accusation. However, I don't get how I am supposed to choose NOT to be healthy just so I don't offend someone (?) That's weird. So when I go out to eat with them I have to order the pizza instead of the veggies or else *I* am the bad person??
I think you need to look at that and find out why, it's probably pretty important.
I don't know anyone who gets accused of feeling superior because they ordered a salad, so it is probably more than that.
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I think you need to look at that and find out why, it's probably pretty important.
I don't know anyone who gets accused of feeling superior because they ordered a salad, so it is probably more than that.
Nope, that's about it.
For example: I work with 2 other women. We have separate offices and do not interact or socialize at all. For some reason, the office does a little birthday song, candles, cake, card for each person. When it comes to my birthday do I: go against everything I believe and eat the cake, feel sick and in pain, AND ashamed of myself for the rest of the day, or do I politely say "please don't do this for my birthday. Cake and hoopla is just not my thing."
I chose the latter
I did not say "Oh. My. God. You guys eat CAKE?!?!? I mean don't we know in 2019 that all that processed food is bad for us?!?!?!"
Of course I didn't.
Even when people push me and ask me why this and why that, I simply say that I feel it is what works for me, and leave it at that.
Yet, these 2 ladies cannot wait to be mean to me, making fun of every vegetable I eat, making fun of me for going to my other job (as a fitness professional) when I leave the office.
And yet, when I describe about my friends, about my co-workers, people want to jump to the assumption that it MUST be me acting superior.
That's what I meant by "not the first time"
Here's another:
One friend just sent a meme to the group text. It's kind of long, but part of it says something about how taking care of yourself is to "eat the delicious food". To me, that line of thinking is so backward. I didn't say anything, I didn't send an emoji, I did nothing.
If my ONE AND ONLY choice to "not looking superior" is to agree with something that I think is wrong, then there is something very flawed in that advice
It ( the attitude) probably comes through. People pick it up in a subconscious way.
Which is the reason I am asking if I should try to dump the old friends? We are held together now by our history and the people who are the glue in the group, but I think several of the ladies are not tripping over themselves to be my friend (like how hard is it to answer a text?!?!)
The synopsis is: Why would a person choose to do the wrong thing when they could do the right thing?
I just don't know if I have very much respect for a person who chooses to do the wrong thing. Like I said, I keep "happening upon" (I think the powers that be put things in our path) readings talking about how you cannot spiritually grow if you are surrounded by those who do not seek spiritual growth, and/ or cannot succeed around those who do not inspire you... this kind of thing.
If everything that the 8 of them agree is cute/awesome/fun is something that makes me SMH, am I growing?
If - as it has been suggested - I am some horrible, narcissistic, know-it-all, then are they growing either?
Maybe my tiny house in the mountains with my dog that I joke around about is actually a good idea
All of the above things I have stated that I do for them out of love, I do not get in return. I don't give to them ever expecting that I would get it back- I give to give- but you asked so I am explaining.
Those who have said that I do things to feel superior, this is not the first time I have heard that accusation. However, I don't get how I am supposed to choose NOT to be healthy just so I don't offend someone (?) That's weird. So when I go out to eat with them I have to order the pizza instead of the veggies or else *I* am the bad person??
Look OP, on the one hand you are sensing that you don't want to continue with the activities, values, thought patterns of this group. So don't. If you are unwilling to compromise or sacrifice occasionally instead of going "cold turkey" in your change, so be it. A lot of this doesn't have to be draconian. It is not your mission to better them. They probably know full well what choices they ought to make but choose not to make them. The time they spend in your presence is a constant low level reminder and that creates tension; they feel they are being measured against something. It's you, and somehow you are letting them know it. If you have gotten this feedback before, you are not being as subtle as you think.
OTOH you are now saying that you are not getting a return on your efforts for or with these people. Sounds as if they are the ones starting to make the separation happen. Let them. From your latest comments you sound as if you are starting to resent the lack of reciprocity. Why is this yet another thing they do wrong in your eyes? Aren't they in effect making the shift for you? Maybe you should be thanking them for making it a little easier. Not that they are showing some weird united front to disengage with you, but they are choosing to prioritize the friends they feel more at ease with...which may no longer be you.
Again, I just don't see the problem here. Both "sides" seem to be heading in the directions they prefer. Up to you to let the transition happen peacefully or to be dramatic. No need to do the latter. And, no need to become the lonely sage on the mountain top in reality either. That's kind of like taking your toys home in a huff because others don't want to play a game by your rules. With a little dusting of martyrdom on top?
Last edited by Parnassia; 05-17-2019 at 02:33 PM..
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